The Top Ten Un-spoilers for "His Last Vow"

By Doctor Napalm

The time frame is Saturday; one day before the main UK release of the series three, third episode, of Sherlock titled "His Last Vow." A select few have already seen the episode at a BAFTA pre-screening event and spoilers are flying around like gold-hoarding dragons. Let me say that I was somehow passed over in the BAFTA selection process and didn't get to see the pre-screening. I also do not live in the UK, so I won't see the release until the following day when BBC One deigns to put it online for streaming. I have studiously avoided the spoilers, so I am relatively clueless as to what is going to happen. There have been, however, some vague comments about the show popping up here and there, so I decided to speculate on what ISN'T going to happen. These are NOT the spoilers.

10. Some folks are saying that this episode is much darker than the previous two. Struggling with mounting production costs, the decision was made to get rid of set lighting and work with natural light instead.

9. Sally Donovan discloses to Mary that she is pregnant also. The baby daddy is revealed to be either Greg Lestrade or one of the Tottenham Hotspurs.

8. Mark Gatis has been quoted as saying "sometimes, somebody has to die" or some such rubbish. Philip Anderson (so glad we know his first name now!) becomes distressed by Sally's revelation and in a fit of anger throws a plastic dinosaur, hitting his pet guinea pig, and causing its ultimate demise.

7. Molly dumps Ted, or Tom, or whatever his name is, and takes up with a Russian trampoline salesman with a severe speech impediment.

6. John and Mary appear on the Graham Norton show where it is revealed that Mary was abducted and probed by space aliens. Ultrasound photos show her baby has tentacles.

5. Desperately attempting to cheer up John after finding out he is about to become an octo-dad, Sherlock shaves his head and declares himself the reincarnation of Telly Savalas. He begins referring to John as "my friend and colleague, Columbo."

4. Sherlock gives his coat to a thrift shop and begins wearing a paisley Nehru jacket, claiming it makes him look more "inscrutable."

3. Someone tries to blackmail John with Photoshopped pics of him snogging Sherlock, giving him another chance to declare "I am NOT GAY!"

2. Mrs. Hudson evicts Sherlock and John, declaring "I'm not your housekeeper OR your landlady!"

1. Sherlock really did die when he jumped off the top of Barts. It just took Mycroft two years to clone him.