Killers

by foggi (L@spookysand.com)

Notes: Set right at the end of Conversations with Dead People, before Sleeper. I read spoilers, so there could be some things that I inadvertently put in here thinking that it wasn't a spoiler...but I don't think so. I normally write parody (and yes, I am finishing "Conversations with Stupid People" but I am busy...) so I don't know how well I do with serious fiction, but feedback would be really great!

Disclaimer: Joss, joss, joss. It's all his, you know that drill, he's my hero. All hail the great Mr. Whedon.

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And She'd known it for a long time, known that this would happen. So long that she couldn't remember exactly when it had happened. Dawn still read her diary regularly...she couldn't even write things down anymore. Her life hadn't ever been her own, but it was really beginning to get to her now.

The dust settled around her, hitting the ground, she couldn't even make out the difference between dusted vampire and...just dust. Hell, it was probably all dusted vampire, she'd been in this crypt to kill things thousands of times.

Things.

She'd let him in. Holden, that is. Told him things, knowing she'd have to kill him. It wasn't anything new. Kind of a pattern that she lived by: Let someone in, then kill them.

She never would have told him all of her mistakes if she didn't know that he'd be dead before sunrise. So there she was, using another vampire. It felt so good to get some of that off her chest...but it wasn't like she was owning up to all of it. Because she'd never have to hear or speak of it again, he was dead.

And Spike had killed him.

Spike the first time. Buffy the second time. Killers.

But she was supposed to be the killer, not Spike. He doesn't do those things anymore...that's her job.

He got a soul, and even if it means nothing to everyone else, Buffy knows the difference that makes. Sees it everyday. It wasn't about Spike being a changed man...he was insane of course, but he was still Spike. He'd always had some semblance of soul, he'd been different. A freak like her. It was the fact that he went to get it, that's what made the difference. Even if he didn't need it, the gesture was as important as any change would have been. Like doing extra credit in a class you have an A in. Not that she'd ever vocally give him so much credit...but she knew.

Or maybe she didn't know. Maybe he really had gone back to his old self. Maybe it was her fault.

She'd have to kill him if it was true. It was the last thing she wanted to do. One of the things she tried hardest to prevent. All those times when he tried to understand her she'd shut him out. She didn't want any more of the pattern.

Let someone in, kill them.

She thought he'd always be there, if she could just keep enough distance. She was sure that would solve her problem. If she kept them out of her head, they would stay. She did it with Xander and Willow and Dawn everyday. It worked, the only way to break the pattern. And even though she could only tell her true feelings to random undead psychology majors, if it meant that she'd never have to kill those people she was close to it was okay.

But Spike was close to her whether she wanted him there or not. He understood her even when she shut him out. She'd tried to keep her distance, knowing that he could gather more from just the way her eyes looked than all of her living friends combined. She didn't want him close, didn't want to have to kill him.

Oh well. Life is hard Buffy.

She walks down the streets of Sunnydale, stake in hand. Mechanical; lift stake, place in heart.

Don't think about who you might be killing. You're the slayer, the law.