Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Bleach

Summary: What happens when you cross Naruto with Bleach? Ninja masquerading as Soul Reapers, overpowered zanpakuto, and a crossover crack pairing, oh my!

Note: This story contains major Bleach bashing, so please don't read this if you like Bleach, unless you don't mind. Here it goes!

Chapter One: Welcome to Soul Society

There was a feeling of drifting, of floating in the air like a feather carried by the lazy wind currents, not knowing where he was going, and not having a care in the world…until he felt himself hit the ground none too gently.

It took him a moment to come to his senses. He didn't know who he was, or

where he was. Then, it all came back in a moment.

"Hey, Sasuke!"

He blinked for a few moments. A familiar blond-haired boy stood near him, grinning widely. "Naruto?" The words were sluggish in his mouth. His eyes drifted until he saw a familiar-looking group of people. Everyone was there: his teammates, Naruto and Sakura, and his peers and fellow ninja from his hometown, the Hidden Leaf Village. "Wha...how did I get here?"

Naruto shrugged. "I dunno. I seem to remember dying…and…oh, wait! Someone stamped my forehead with a sword!"

If Sasuke didn't recall the same thing himself, he probably would have called Naruto crazy. "But where is this place?" To his embarrassment, his stomach began rumbling loudly. He clamped his hands over it, as if to quell the noise. Dangit…Naruto's the one who likes to eat, not me!

Sakura looked around. "If we all remember dying, then…does that mean this is the afterlife?"

"If you're right, then this sure is a sucky afterlife," Shikamaru, the lazy genius, commented with a yawn. "I mean, who would want to live here?"

Sasuke had to admit that Shikamaru was right. They were in the middle of a crowded street lined with shabby-looking buildings. Everywhere were people wearing tattered clothing. Some were downright dirty, while others obviously tried to keep themselves clean. Few smiled.

Naruto, Sasuke, and Leaf ninja stood out like a sore thumb in the crowd: Naruto with his bright orange jacket and spiky blond hair, Sakura with her bright red-and-pink clothing and pink hair, and Sasuke with the bright purple rope tied like a bow around his waist. Kiba had red face paint and a black leather jacket, Lee wore a green jumpsuit, and Neji had his spotless Hyuuga robes. It didn't take long for them to notice that they were all hungry. Very hungry.

"I hope they have ramen around here!" Naruto ran forward a few steps before stopping dead. "Gaara? You're here too?"

The Leaf ninja looked and, indeed, saw the three Sand siblings from the Hidden Sand Village. After a quick hello, Temari whispered to Sakura, "You guys might want to watch out. Gaara's in a really bad mood right now."

Unfortunately, Naruto was oblivious to Gaara's mood, which was quite understandable, seeing as Gaara rarely showed any emotion at all. "So, Gaara, does that mean you're dead—"

The ground split under Gaara's feet. Several people screamed as the street cracked in half. Gaara's voice was dangerously calm. "Can someone explain why we are dead, why we are in the middle of nowhere, and why we're all hungry?!"

Everything seemed to freeze. Naruto noticed Gaara's eyes becoming bloodshot and ran through a dozen possible things to say. Gaara did not like not knowing what was going on, and he did not like being hungry and having no food.

"Hey, what's the holdup here? Move it, 'scuse me, pardon me, out of the way…"

The crowd parted. The ninja saw a man wearing black robes, a sheathed sword by his side, and—most noticeably—red hair in a ponytail. Sasuke, interested, noticed he had tattoos instead of eyebrows. He was also wearing a pair of expensive-looking sunglasses on his forehead.

"Okay, you newcomers, who did this?" He pointed to the crack in the sidewalk.

"I did. Now, can you explain where we are and how we got here?" Gaara said, still in an icy tone of voice.

"You're in Soul Society, and you're here because you're dead. End of story. Now, you, come with me."

Gaara didn't move. The man rolled his eyes. "You're hungry, right? Well, if you just follow me, you'll get food—"

"WHAT?!" Naruto yelled. "We're all hungry here! Don't you have a soup kitchen or something in this card board jungle?"

The man scrutinized the ninja. "You say you're all hungry?"

"Yes! Where's the food?"

The man deliberated for a while. "Okay, listen up. I'm Renji Abarai, Lieutenant of the Sixth Division in the Gotei Thirteen. You all have off-the-chart spiritual energy, so you lot can follow me and become Soul Reapers. Unless you'd rather stay here, of course."

"What's a Soul Reaper?" half a dozen voices asked at the same time.

"I'll explain later. Just follow me." Renji walked away. The ninja, by this time weak with hunger, followed after him.

In the back, Gaara still sulked. Being dead did not agree with him at all.