Author: Lisa M
Pairing: Gil and Catherine, of course.
Rating: PG13 - bad words.
Spoilers: Yes. If you haven't seen every single episode from the Pilot through Bloodlines, there's a 100chance you could be spoiled.
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't need to write fanfic.
Feedback: Always appreciated...good or bad. Public or private.
Archive: Graveyard and Anywhere else, just let me know so I can visit and then brag about your site to others.
A/N: This story is as close to canon as possible...but liberties were taken in some places and a few changes made in others. The title? Borrowed. BoDeans, second album. It belongs to them. Thanks to my awesome beta, Angie. You rule, chica! If there are any errors...blame the author.
A/N II: This story started out as a co-authoring venture between myself and Pam. Unfortunately, Pam had to leave the project. I just wanted to say a quick thanks to her for all she did...so thanks Pam!
On with the show. Enjoy kiddies!!!
"Damn it, Grissom!" Catherine's angry voice shattered the silence that had settled within the empty office. She slammed one drawer of Gil Grissom's desk shut and yanked open another. "You want everyone to think you're soooooo efficient. Sooooo organized."
Although she realized that she was talking to herself, she didn't care. Catherine Willows was pissed off.
"You may have everyone else fooled, but I know better. I know you and you're definitely not Mr. Perfect." She shuffled some papers around. "Where are those forms? Every time you leave me in charge, I clean this stupid desk. Every time! And I always put the damn shift forms right in there. In that drawer. But are they where I left them?" Catherine slammed the second drawer and jerked open a third. "Noooooo! Of course they're not! My life could never be that easy."
Leaning back in Grissom's chair, Catherine ground her knuckles against her tired eyes. Normally she didn't mind taking over shifts for Gil. But ever since his surgery, things had been pretty crazy around the lab and tonight was no exception. The caseload was light, but there were stacks of paperwork that Gil so thoughtfully left for her to complete. She had sent the rest of the team out and had stayed behind.
She had been sitting behind this desk for at least three hours and Catherine was getting very little frustrated. She took a few seconds to catch her breath and calm down, then she turned her attention back to the desk.
"Ok, Cath. Get a grip. The poor man had surgery recently, give him a break. This time." She removed some paperwork and miscellaneous odds and ends from the open drawer. Underneath she found a folder. Catherine closed her eyes. "Please, God, let these be the forms I need." She opened her eyes and flipped open the manila file. Her lips curled into a soft smile as she turned her gaze upwards. "Thanks. I owe You one, big time."
As Catherine began to push the drawer closed, she noticed a notebook. On the cover, in Grissom's calligraphy-like writing, was "Entomology - the Study of Insects. Instructed By: Gil Grissom" The smile grew larger as she realized what she had found.
"Holy crap!" Catherine pulled the notebook from its hiding place. She traced the title softly with the tips of her fingers. "God. I can't believe Grissom still has the notes from his class. This was the one he was teaching when we met!"
Flipping open the cover, she laughed. Next to his perfectly written notes, Gil had drawn little pictures of bugs. Doodles of beetles, bees, flies, spiders, and all kinds of other insects crawled and flew along the margins.
"I wonder why he's got this here? I can't remember ever seeing it in here before."
Catherine shrugged and glanced through the book until she came to some blank pages. She was about to close it and return it to the drawer, when she happened to catch a glimpse of more writing on pages further back. Catherine flipped through the blank pages. When she found the one she was searching for, her breath caught. The words she saw written on the first line were startling.
I met the most beautiful woman in the world tonight. Her name is Catherine.
Beneath Grissom's writing was a sketch...of her.
It was a perfect likeness. All the way down to the small, light freckles that had peppered her nose and cheeks when she was still in the prime of her youth.
A painstakingly, hand-drawn snapshot of the past.
Catherine stared into her own face for what seemed like hours. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. If the words hadn't been in Gil's own hand, and if her face wasn't peering back up at her, Catherine would have thought this was someone's idea of a joke. But the evidence was right there. Right in front of her very eyes.
"I can't read this." Catherine closed the notebook, returned it to the drawer and swiveled the chair away from the desk. "It would be an invasion of his privacy. I can't do that to him." She stood and tried to distract herself by looking at Grissom's bug collection, but her eyes kept returning to the desk. To the closed drawer. Finally, with a sigh of resignation, Catherine plopped back into the chair. She grasped the handle and pulled the drawer open. The blue notebook stared up at her accusingly. It was almost as if Gil Grissom himself had possessed the spiral-bound item.
"Don't do it Cath. You might open up a world of trouble," she thought silently. "One you'll never be able to close."
Catherine dismissed her inner voice with a self-conscious laugh and flipped the notebook open. She saw the same words as before.
I met the most beautiful woman in the world tonight. Her name is Catherine.
This time, her eyes traveled below the drawing and she continued reading.
Catherine. Even her name is beautiful. Jim handed me an assignment tonight. Strip club interrogation. I don't really care to go to strip clubs, even in a work situation, so I tried to stall - convince him to have someone else go. But he kept pushing and pushing. Finally, I agreed, not knowing that my life would change forever. So, I walked into this place, The French Palace, and the first thing I saw was her. She was dancing up on the main platform. I think I stopped breathing for a minute. She was a vision. Long reddish-blonde hair that shimmered like rays of sunlight, and beautiful blue-green eyes. Her flawless body was barely covered by a kelly green push-up bra and matching g-string. I watched as she stripped away her bra, revealing the most perfect breasts I'd ever seen. I'm not sure how long I was just standing there watching, but I was pulled out of my trance by the sound of the bartender's voice.
Catherine paused in her reading. Her lungs started burning. She had stopped breathing. Warm air wooshed from between her lips when she released her breath, and cool air filled her strained lungs as she inhaled deeply.
"I remember that night. Gil talked to me after my set, questioned me. He was so professional while he was doing it. I had no idea that he felt, that he thought..." Her voice failed, so she turned her eyes back to Gil's writing.
I got some wonderful news today. Catherine has decided she wants to be a CSI. I had given her my card the night in the strip club, and told her to call if she had any questions. I was shocked when she did just that. It was weeks later. The case had been solved. She didn't have questions about that. She asked about becoming a CSI. I couldn't believe it! She said it seemed like a fascinating job. Like putting together giant jigsaw puzzles. She asked what she needed to do to become an investigator. So she's going to start school next semester and take all the classes. And that's not even the best part. She wants to come to work with me when she's finished. She said she really wants to get her life on track and I think that's great. I wish I could say that I had something to do with her decision, but I don't think that I did. Besides, I really don't care what her reasons are, she wants to work with me. I'll get to see her, work with her, be with her, almost every day. I couldn't ask for anything better than that.
Catherine sighed. He had been part of the reason why she had chosen to become a CSI. In the short time they had spent together in the strip club that night, she had made her decision to change careers. She had watched him as he questioned everyone...as he glanced around the club with an open, yet somewhat cynical expression. In the span of a few hours, she had become completely engrossed with the idea of becoming a CSI.
With thoughts of him, too.
She had found herself liking him a lot. In her line of work, she didn't meet too many men like Gil Grissom. He was very appealing...in many ways. He was smart, funny, interesting, complex, genuine.
"And very handsome," she added, completing her own thoughts. "I guess he had more to do with my decision than even I knew."
She's getting married. I can't believe it. Catherine is getting married. I knew deep down that there was a possibility this could happen, but a part of me was holding on to hope. Hope that maybe she would someday see me as more than a friend. I wish I could find a way to make sense of this, but I can't. I wish I knew how to tell her about my feelings, but I don't. I love her, I know I do. I've been too scared to tell her how I feel and now, I can't. It's over. We'll never be together. I have to accept it and try to move on. How? I don't know.
Her gaze drifted down. To her left hand. The finger that once held the wedding ring from Ed. She traced it with the tips of her fingers. It felt like an eternity since she'd worn that ring...and even longer since it had really meant anything even close to resembling a commitment between Eddie and she. She actually wished she had never worn it. She hated thinking about it...her marriage.
"If you had only opened your mouth and said something, Gil." She shook her head. "Maybe things would've been different."
Catherine winced when she began to read his next entry. She knew where it was going before she even read the second sentence. Remembered all too well...
She came to me last night. I somehow knew it was her as soon as I heard the phone ring. She asked if she could crash on my couch. That 'things had gotten a little out of control at home' and she needed somewhere to stay. Just for the night. Of course I let her come. I knew it would just about kill me to have her so close, but at the same time I couldn't say no. She had a black eye and a large, bloody scratch across one cheek. As I cleaned and bandaged her battered face, I felt a red-hot fury building inside of me. I knew he had put his hands on her. I wanted to kill the bastard for touching her...for hurting her. I started to say something, but Catherine simply smiled and placed her fingers to my lips. 'Just hug me and say goodnight, Gil,' she said. She's so strong. I don't know why she puts up with him. I did as she asked. I hugged her tightly and kissed her on the cheek. The pain in her body was obvious. She winced as she slowly lowered herself onto the couch. I offered my bed, but she refused. Over the years I've learned not to fight her decisions, so I agreed. I covered her with a warm blanket and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. She told me that I was her best friend. Those words made me want to cry. Or scream. Maybe both, but I resisted the urge. I made sure she was comfortable and then went to my bedroom. After I was sure she was sleeping, I slipped into the living room. I slept in the chair across the room from her. I may not be able to protect her in her own home, but nothing is going to happen to her while she's here...not on my watch. That's for damn sure!
There were many entries in Gil's journal that read almost exactly the same as that one. Catherine remembered each night vividly. Gil had always been there when she needed him...always. Her heart climbed into her throat as she continued to read his heartfelt words. She had known he was upset each time she showed up on his doorstep, but she thought it had been because they were friends and colleagues...and the fact that he hated men who beat their wives. And those reasons were part of it, but now she knew things ran much deeper than that. It was personal to Gil because he was in love with her.
Today, I found out that Catherine is going to have a baby. I am so happy for her, but there is a part of me that is angry. How can they bring a child into that volatile situation? I mean, Ed already beats on Cath. What if he decides to shift his abuse to their child? I can barely hold back on giving the guy a taste of his own medicine right now. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from ripping him apart if he lays one hand on that baby. But I really don't want to think about that. The other part of me is jealous. I wish it were me...that I was the father of this baby.
"Me too, Gil," Catherine said, brushing away a lone tear.
Catherine called me tonight. She had a little girl. Lindsey. I rushed to the hospital the second after I hung up the telephone. Lindsey... she's perfect. And so beautiful. Just like her mother. The moment I held her in my arms, I was in love. Cath introduced me to her as 'Uncle Gil.' I almost cried. I wish I was 'daddy'...but I was happy all the same. I stared down into her angelic face and she smiled up at me. My heart leapt. I swear I could've held that baby forever. It felt so natural. But Ed showed up. At the sight of him, I felt physically sick. I kissed little Lindsey and handed her to Cath. I left without even acknowledging him. God, it should be me in there...with Cath and Lindsey. Not him. If I had just said something in the beginning, maybe it would've been me.
Catherine sniffled, but said nothing.
I caught him. I caught that bastard! He's cheating on her. I can't believe it! I saw him with someone else. With my own two eyes. How can he do that to her? I would give anything to have her...and he does. He has her. And he treats her like garbage. I could wring his neck! God, what do I do now? Do I tell her? No, I can't do that. It will break her heart. I could never forgive myself for doing that to her. I hope she never finds out that I know. If she does, she'll hate me forever. But I can't tell her. I can't handle the thought of wrecking her life. I'd die if I were the one responsible for making her sad. I couldn't bear it. I hope I never see Ed Willows again, I may not be able to restrain myself.
Fresh anger rose up within Catherine, but it dissipated almost as quickly as it came. How could she be mad at Gil? He hadn't kept that secret to hurt her...he had kept it to keep from hurting her.
Originally, she had been furious with Gil when she found out he'd known about Ed. When she finally caught him, Ed had said he was surprised that "Grissom didn't tell" her. That he knew Gil had seen him out. When Catherine confronted him, Gil said he didn't want to get involved. It wasn't his business. That had made her even angrier. But amazingly enough, she had gotten over it very quickly. Their friendship had been unharmed by the situation. Catherine chuckled softly to herself. These days, they even joked around about it. She smiled. It was hard to stay mad at Gil Grissom...for anything. A tragic flaw that she had to live with. Besides, she had never really blamed him anyway.
"He didn't want to be the one to break my heart." Catherine ran her fingers over his writing, caressing it lightly. "Because he loves me, and if my heart gets broken, so does his. That's so...Gil," she said with a small smile.
Continued in Chapter 2