Hard World To Get a Break In/ Vader's musings/ Humor/ One shot deal

Whatever the Emperor meant by "and we shall have peace" is still eluding me. I've been here for half my life and haven't solved that mystery. Maybe for some old codger like him that has nothing to do than sit on the couch and drink beer all day. Er, throne that is. Still seems rather like one of those cheap office chairs you can buy…

Anyhow, - I'm just complaining about my horrible life. Every day is horrible, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. In a sense I do…because I don't get a minute free. Not one! Some stupid idiot always bothering me about "Death Star new employee orientation meeting" or "did you print out those battle plans yet". As if your wondering why I'm spewing now after going on about my tough life, its because I actually got a few minutes free, which is why I'm writing. I could've killed for these free minutes. Hehe…that was kind of a hint there…

I'm "tuning out" in my meditation chamber. It's the only place I can get any peace at all… At which times I get to write (very rarely) in my journal, while listening to Huttese rock music. I actually used to prefer Coruscanti classical, but that is so boring. I like something with a little more kick to it now - keeps me going through my insipid day. Now…Vader is interrupted as Emperor approaches

Vader comes back That was that annoying old geezer. Wanted to know when I was going to print out some new plans I wrote the other day for a new TIE fighter. Can't give me a moment's peace. Frelling sithspawn. I don't even know why I even keep him around. I told him I should just put up a "Do not Disturb" sign on my door, but he merely glared at me. Apparently he didn't think much of it. It probably wouldn't even have make a difference anyway if I had put one up. I already have up a "please keep out" sign, along with many other such signs I put up periodically. I even add little smiley faces sometimes…that is, the opposite of smiley faces. I put up this evil scowling one once, and the emperor said it was offensive and he was ticked off about it so I took it down. Heh, heh. He's such a moron.

Now see, that idiot made me get off track! Well I'll tell you just what a terrible day I had yesterday. First of all, I'm behind in all my office work. I'm supposed to draw up all these troop diagrams and battle schematics for invading half the galaxy at once with 6 SDs and the Death Star. Well to put it short, I haven't made a single one yet. I was also supposed to find the area of every room on the Death Star to figure out how much new carpet to put in. I tried to explain that it would be easier to just have tile, but the Emperor said the troops needed something more comfortable to stand on while they're at their stations. I won't even comment on that. Besides that, I've got a part time job flipping bantha burgers in the Death Star cafeteria. Don't ask. The only thing I'll say is that it wasn't my idea. So besides these moronic jobs, I also am supposed to fill out a survey of what I like/don't like about the Death Star. Reminds me of the first time I got a job as a mechanic on Tatooine when I was 5 years old. They said I couldn't work as a mechanic unless I had a mechanical engineering degree in college. Bull. Seems like no one in the universe acknowledges genius minds such as mine. (That was actually the part time job my mother made me get in between being a slave to that flying blue insect) For all know I was born working. Well I do know what I don't like about the Death Star, Palpy for one.

So anyways, between all this already, I have another job! Like I'm not busy enough already! The emperor put in charge of tech support. Again, don't ask. So this dorky trooper calls up and says he has no sound on his console, complaining about how he now can't listen to the "Bail Organa" radio talk show in the morning. First of all, I told him Rule 1,828,374 says "no music, TV or such distractions permitted during work". Warning klaxons went off in my mind at the mention of the "Bail Organa" talk show. It's very biased against the Empire for one, and it's a rebel show about how dumb we Imperials are, why we should be overthrown, how this rebellion would be better at governing the world, blah blah blah. Just for that, I went over to his station. This guy was dangerous enough to do something about. Not to mention stupid. Before I yelled at him, I checked the computer he was at for laughs. Turns out the volume wasn't working because he didn't have it turned on. Just for that I choked him to death. Incompetence absolutely disgusts me. Then I chucked him through the air and watched him come down and land on a console. It was the first time that day I felt preeeety good about myself.

Then just as I started to walk away, all this screaming and cursing starts coming from where I pitched the dead guy. Turns out the body had landed on a console besides a stormtrooper, and knocked over a cup of hot coffee that was perched on the console, dumping it all over the troopers arm. From what I gathered from the trooper, he said he had third degree burns. Now believe me, I happen to know more about burns than most people. And I am smart enough to know that coffee can't give you a third degree burn through armor. So I tell him that. And he tells me it did. So I tell him it didn't. So he tells me it melted through the armor. So I tell him something that can't be repeated, basically what I thought of his IQ and him altogether. But he showed me, and it HAD melted the armor. I still don't believe it. All this time, he's going on and on and on…So I'm getting ready to choke him to just to get him to shut up, when Tarkin just "happened" along and chewed me out for killing people for no reason.

I tried to explain I had every right to do as I had done, but he refused to listen and threatened to tell the Emperor that I was once again murdering people for laughs; unless I signed up for these new anger management classes hosted by Piett. Apparently Piett used to have anger problems too before he took these classes, and learned so much he decided to start teaching the class himself. The moron. I nearly stupidly blabbed out that I needed Piett for admiral after I killed Ozzel. That old guy is such a dork too, I have a reason to kill him. He's incompetent. So anyway, now I can't strangle this trooper because I have all these people staring at me, besides Tarkin. In the end, I got put in charge of designing new body armor for the troopers, since I "have so much time on my hands to walk around randomly killing people" as Tarkin said.

I then explained it was my WKD "weekly kind deed." I do one of those every week because I'm such a good guy. It usually consist of killing some anonymous person who probably regretted even living they were so dumb.

Tarkin then wrote up a list of things to tell the Emperor about me: committing wanton acts of violence again, destroying equipment, being insubordinate, 1st degree murder, being disrespectful to superiors, being irresponsible...

If that all wasn't outrageous enough, he then handed me a list of damages to pay, which went something like "casket and funeral charges provided for TK-586 (the guy I choked), a new cup of coffee for the burnt trooper, medical bills for burnt troopers, new suit of armor for burnt trooper, a new console (it was allegedly smashed by the trooper I pitched into the air) a fine for having a beverage in a working area (I explained that the trooper had it there and not me, but Tarkin just added it onto my CHARGES, the . I also faced a lawsuit for allegedly dumping an alleged cup of coffee on purpose on a trooper. Apparently I have 30 days in court too. After that, old hatchet face just walked calmly away. I swear the Emperor had me framed for that. I could just see his wrinkled saggy face cackling in my mind.

Raging impotently, I went back to my desk at tech support for the software systems aboard the Death Star. The only thing I was miserably glad about was that I missed a bunch of calls by random idiots while Tarkin was barking at me. Why that old Hutt slime ranks higher than me, I'll never know. I blame the emperor again for that one too. Of course, I couldn't even be miserably glad because the phone was ringing the moment I got to my desk.

"Well?" I demanded as I picked the phone up. It was another trooper saying that this box popped up on his computer asking if he wanted to let a Trojan access the internet. I informed that of course he should click yes, and click yes whenever he got a message like that. He then said how nice it was to have people in the world like me who cared enough to help people like him. Instead of making me feel guilty, it made me thank the Force I wasn't as stupid as him. That thought really scared me, and I spent the next half hour musing to myself what I would do if I was that stupid. I couldn't find an answer, but I knew I would deserve obviously to be killed by someone with a much higher IQ.

The next caller was some guy who didn't know how to open a document. That was it. I just lost it completely. I screamed bloody murder at the guy on the other end of the phone. It was then that I realized the door to my office was open, and several important guests were in the room waiting to speak with me. I'd have to fake them into thinking that it was the guy on the other end of the phone's fault - hey wait, what am I saying, it is his fault. So I continued speaking (or yelling) into the phone. "Okay, okay, fine! But killing people can never be justified," I said triumphantly in a loud tone into the phone, pretending I had resolved the problem. I then set the phone down, grinning exultantly because I knew I had gotten myself out of that one. These high-up Imperials would think I was angry because some guy was killing people. It was then that I noticed their odd stares at one another. It was also about that time I noticed the phone was smashed in and had fingerprints on it from my iron grip, and also that the cord had been pulled from the wall. I could feel my face turning bright red, and thanked myself for wearing a black plasteel helmet.

And then who of all people should appear, but the emperor, who was apparently giving them a tour guide of Death Star. I suddenly felt much much smaller. Then something happened, which I again blame on the emperor. He must have planted a post-hypnotic suggestion in my sub consciousness, because I literally just exploded. "THIS IS GOING OVER MY HELMET!" I shouted about as loud as I could.

The emperor stared at me like I was the stupidest thing breathing air in the universe, instead of the other way around. He didn't get it. He was never much into watching comedies or movies. The only thing he ever watched was the fishing and sports channels. Oh yeah, an occasional slasher movies. He said once it gives him new ideas how to kill people. He's such a sadistic creep, even for a bad guy. I can only imagine what would happen if you put a lightsaber in his hands. If you want my opinion, I just prefer strangling people. I like it for 3 reasons: its fun, educational for the one getting the treatment, and the bones popping and snapping gives me a laugh or 2. Well the Emperor gave me a long, hard look, and there in front of all these important people said, "No TV, X-box, or internet for 3 weeks."

For all the things that had already gone wrong that day, I couldn't believe it. The first thing that came to mind was that I'd miss my "Desperate Housewives" TV show. The next thing that came to mind was that I couldn't play KOTOR 2. That was the last straw. I don't know if I had lost my mind again or what but I suddenly found myself yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOO" and breaking everything in the room. The next thing I knew is that I was getting fried within an inch of my life by lightning. The old geezer still had force powers left, as amazing as that was. I stopped pitching a fit immediately. I wasn't stupid. I guess the same trick can't work twice. Humph. I then and there secretly plotted to create a suit of armor to deflect lightning all for myself.

"Lord Vader," Palpy said in that wavering pathetic voice of his- "If I ever see a display like this again, you will surely die," he said, in the a voice that carried such foreboding. I didn't agree with that. Of course I had a good excuse. "I'm under a lot of stress." That excuse would at least half to work. After all, it had worked the time I left Padme's apartment after killing all those younglings. It didn't work, of course. By the time Palpy had threatened me within an inch of my life, I finally left my office with a threat that I was going to a mental institution and would lose my position as Supreme Commander. Palps didn't say anything about the burger job or the tech support job because he knew I'd love to get fired from those. He also told me to pick up his medication at the Drug Mart on Coruscant after work. I was then ordered to get down to the cafeteria and get to work.

I heard later on that the Imperial guests who had been in my office had been told that I was some "out –of- work maintenance guy with ADD who does odd jobs around Death Star." Well thanks a lot. I was also informed that the guests had been so shaken that they wanted no part in "Isard's Imperial Insurance" company. Served Palpy right. Stupid bankers. Stupid Isard. Stupid Empire. Stupid Emperor. I just wanted my X-box and Satelliete TV back.

I stopped back into my room first. I needed some music to calm me down while I did this ludicrous job. I had just put on my cafeteria clothes over my armor, and strapped my ipod around my arm. It took awhile to get the headphones positioned right, with what my helmet and all. But somehow I managed. With the sound of the Huttese rock band starting up, I headed to the cafeteria. As soon as I was behind the counter… before I even flipped my first stinking bantha burger, the manager started harping on me. He said music was prohibited at this job. I instantly pointed out that all the other stormtroopers working there were listening to ipods. Yes, the manager said, but the white headphone cord matches their armor. I was utterly disgusted. This was the last call. My head swelled with rage and my helmet nearly popped off, but I managed to retain my anger. It would get much worse, if I let out another outburst.

It wasn't my problem I didn't have black headphones. I had a black ipod to match my armor, but not black headphones. They didn't sell black headphones- I had looked everywhere. I told him he was discriminating against me because I had to wear a helmet and body armor. He said he meant no sort of a thing and I had to drop the subject because the whole cafeteria was looking my way like I was some freak. I didn't need to make myself a bigger spectacle, though I didn't see how that was possible anyway. So my ipod was taken away, and I had to spend the time listening to PEOPLE TALKING. How demoralizing. 3 or 4 or 5 or however many hours it was later, I was finally done with that crummy job and found myself en route to Drug Mart on Coruscant. I waited for about an hour for the prescription, and all the time this insipid music was playing- "I hate you, but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you/don't know what to do, I'm stuck on yooouuuuu" by this woman who had a high screechy voice. She sounded like Jabba trying to sing high tenor. I broke the speaker, I couldn't help it. Someone who sings like that deserves to be strangled. She better hope she never meets me.

Finally after I got the prescription, I was handed a 60 off bonus card to give to Palps to use at Drug Mart because Palps was such a good customer there. It goes without saying I kept it for myself and never told him. I had 2 incidents on the way back to Death Star: I got a ticket for parking my speeder in a handicapped parking place in the Drug Mart parking lot, for one. I tried to explain I was handicapped, because of falling in lava and having to be mechanicalized, but the policeman didn't believe me. So I pulled off my helmet and showed him what my head and face looked like. He was so badly shocked he just let me drive away. That was annoying because I had to waste precious time explaining to some insignificant matter such as him. Then I got this ticket for parking in front of a fire hydrant when I stopped at Starbucks. No comment. The last one was that I was pulled over and ticketed for flying the Executor 2 miles over the speed limit in a 20 mph asteroid zone. Apparently during certain times of the day smugglers use these asteroids for making illegal runs. Funny how we haven't been able to do something about that illegal biz. But I guess the wicked do prosper.

I shoved the medicine into Palpy's wrinkled hand and was at last free for that day. (it was about 1 in the morning then) I belted out the song "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by some earth group called "the bugs" or something as I headed back to my quarters. I didn't care how many people I unnerved or disturbed or woke up by it. I was FREE! For 3 and 1/2 WHOLE HOURS before I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning and go back to work at tech support. But it was apparently not to be. As soon as I had settled into bed with a mystery thriller from the library, my cell phone rang. It was some crewmen who wondered if I could cover his night shift because he was tired. I threw the phone on the floor, not caring how many credits it cost. I got out of bed, accidentally stepping on and crushing the phone, which I didn't intend to do. I left my room, stalked wrathfully into the bathroom, and locked the door. It was the one place in the whole galaxy I knew I was safe in.

Then there was a knock on the door.

END