"Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle through my eye."

He'd promised to himself that he'd protect them all. That's what he'd built himself on, knowing that he lived to protect those that mattered, and even occasionally save those who were a waste of space. But shit gets tough when the society you've built your livelihood on falls to pieces. I mean, really. When most of your friends and colleagues get massacred there's not much you can do to keep yourself sane; especially when you're one of the only ones who got out alive. It's common in the medical books: survivor's guilt is a bitch.

"Run, run as fast as you can, I'm the gingerbread man."

Not that he actually wants to run. He wants to die. The only place he would want to run to was Seretei, but Rukia wouldn't let him. She said Seretei was empty now. Besides, in his current state of mind, he isn't going anywhere.

Coarse, tanned hands ran through messy, red hair. Loose strands fell across the tattooed forehead and over two maroon eyes. A wide tongue licked over parched lips, why was he always so damn thirsty? "If you give a mouse a cookie…"

"Renji, please." The voice was weary. Hisagi was tired, and Abarai was losing his marbles. "Where did you learn those human sayings anyway?"

"If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll ask for some milk." Renji sneaked a look at Hisagi before chuckling and bending over his knees, heaving slightly, broad shoulders shaking.

Shuuhei frowned. Rukia needed to get herself back here and deal with this.

"Do you-" more chuckling "Do you get it, Hisagi? Because we- we don't have milk. Bu-but, we have mice." the six foot male toppled onto his side, stretching over the cave floor, shaking with laughter. There were mice in this cave. He was so funny. His life was hysterical because nothing made sense. He kept laughing because even though the flash of humor had worn off, he couldn't control his stupid body anyway. The real Renji was brooding and stuck inside his crazed shell of a body.

Shuuhei's crinkled brow only creased further as he got up from his perch on a large stone. Jumping to the floor of the cave, Hisagi made his way over to the laughing Abarai. "Renji…" he spoke the name solemnly, sadly, regretfully. He'd been through so many battles with this guy. Brash and impulsive, the redhead had made quite the impression on him. Abarai was a proud creature and in all the years serving with him, through the blood and loss, he had never seen his friend fall so far.

"Where's the black haired girl, Hisagi? Did she go to the moon?"

This was not Abarai. This was not his friend. This was some nutcase who'd suffered severe damage to the head, and who hadn't been able to get proper treatment for it. Shuuhei hoped that there was something physically amiss considering Renji's brain. He hoped that his fellow shinigami's personality hadn't snapped irreversibly.

"It's okay, Renji. That's why Rukia's gone. She's gone to get somebody to help you." The sixty nine faced man rested his hand on Renji's shoulder. "Everything's going to be alright. You'll get fixed up in no time."

Or so Hisagi tried to convince himself.

They'd barely gotten a reprieve until now. It'd been fight after fight. They'd been fleeing Seretei for about a week now. The shinigami corps were in disarray. Squads had meshed together, trying to hold back the destruction of their city. But the effort had been too disorganized; they'd been met with a force they could not beat.

Hisagi sighed exasperatedly when Renji looked up from his place on the ground, smiling stupidly. His exasperation switched to keen awareness upon hearing footsteps outside of the cave's entrance.

"Hisagi."

Shuuhei breathed out in relief, his stance relaxed upon recognizing the figure standing in the cave's entrance.

"Thank the heavens you're here, Rukia. Did you find-"

"Yes. I found Unohana."

"Oh, well that's goo-"

"I found her ashes."

Rukia said it with no inflection. Complete poker face set into her expression: no grief showed for the death of the motherly shinigami. But Shuuhei knew. He knew that Rukia was just as tired as him and that it was taking all of her not to break. Hisagi looked down at Abarai, maroon eyes closed and a tight lipped smile on his face. Rukia shifted to look behind her, "Come on, Hanatarou. It's okay."

"You found Hanatarou? Then it'll all be okay! Right? Finally?" Even Hisagi knows how frantic he sounds, but that doesn't matter right now. Renji can be fixed. One of his best friends can be saved.

"It's not all going to be okay, Hisagi san." The solemn reply from the small healer as he shuffles in makes Shuuhei cringe. "Miss Unohana's dead. That's not okay. Everybody's dying slowly. It's not all going to be okay." Hisagi hadn't meant that everything would be okay; it was just a figure of speech. Hanatarou's reaction wasn't one that he had expected.

"I know, Hana, I'm just… I'm sorry."

Hisagi doesn't get a reply from Hanatarou as the healer kneels beside Renji, whose form jolts to sit up, smiling like an overjoyed child. His smile promptly turns upside down when Hanatarou firmly pushes him onto his back once again. "Well. This definitely doesn't seem like Abarai san."

"That's because it's not." Hisagi sighs. Rukia kneels besides Shuuhei, both watching with deep concentration as Hanatarou holds his palm over Abarai's head, green light emanating from his hand. Renji slowly closes his eyes, head lolling to the side. "Now I can examine him."

They all thought that Renji was a loon at this point. But he wasn't. He was still Renji, and he still felt pain and irritation from their situation. He just couldn't show it. It's like the blow to the head had cut him into tiny pieces and left the childlike, immature part on the outside. All his quirks paired together, losing control of the frontal lobe of his cortex… shit. It really messed him up. Yeah, he looked crazy. At this point he didn't really care. Having that weird crap on his exterior was better than letting the real Renji take over. He was a fucking mess, and he's pretty sure they wouldn't be pleased when they uncovered the real him. He was bitter and once he got control of his body he was likely to fuck himself up. Because Hanatarou, bless the tiny guy, had a crazy amount of healing prowess. The real Abarai Renji was coming home once his head got put on straight, and the first thing he was going to do was look for Kuchiki Byakuya. If Renji didn't find that guy, swear to all that is holy and alive, he was going to come up with some self destruct plan that was going to get himself killed. He needed to know if Byakuya survived all this, because if Byakuya hadn't survived, then Renji shouldn't have survived. A good lieutenant takes care of his captain, and Renji would be damned if he couldn't take care of Byakuya. Who cares if the logic's twisted? Renji needs something to hold on to, seeing as almost everything he used to cling to for stability had crumbled.

"Renji?" Is that Kami? Maybe there is a divine being. Maybe Hanatarou had messed up and he was in Heaven. "Renji." Oh wait, that's Rukia. "Abarai san." Kami? "Abarai san." Nope. That's Hanatarou.

And then he's crashing back into his own head and he's cold and shaking and this world sucks.

"Renji!" Rukia's face lights up for the first time since the destruction started. Renji nods, and though he's in physical and emotional pain he has to feel gratitude towards Rukia. At this point, he almost felt as if she wasn't really his Rukia anymore. The past couple of days had granted him the realization that he actually couldn't hold onto anything. This childhood friend of his, she wasn't really his. She could die and leave him somewhere he couldn't follow. Damn all their weaknesses, damn everyone who couldn't survive because they were weak. Damn them for leaving him, and though this girl has done everything for him and he would do anything for her, he can't feel the same relief that he normally associates with seeing Rukia. He feels detached; this is his best friend, so why doesn't he feel an overwhelming sense of joy in her presence?

The female shinigami leaps forward, her tiny body crashing into Abarai's, her hug fierce and eyes wide.

This outburst of emotion was rare for Rukia. She always kept her cool, but all this had been too much and she had needed for Renji to come back. While fleeing the ruins of Seretei, Rukia and Shuuhei had spotted Renji crawling on the ground, a mess of blood painting his naked torso and ripped pants. He had been calling her brother's name, Byakuya, Byakuya! And then he'd just started laughing as they approached, and smashed his head into a rock with purposeful force. That had shocked her, and she hoped to Kami that he had done it out of his confused, injured idiocy. But part of her worried that Renji had just lost it and attempted to crack his skull.

Renji sighs into Rukia's hair, closing his eyes tightly. He didn't deserve her. She should've left him trapped inside his head. He also can't help but think that though there is disgrace to be found in the act, Abarai wishes that his cranium had been damaged beyond repair when in that instant of hopelessness, he had attempted to crack his skull open on a rock.

Hisagi's split knuckles clenched together. Hanatarou had fixed Renji, saying that something had indeed been jarred loose in Abarai's head, but that he should be okay now. He'd be all better. Or, as good as anyone could be in circumstances such as these.

"Let me in on this," Hisagi said, pushing his arms around Rukia and Renji.

"S'what, did all of you become saps while I was gone?" Renji smirked, until Rukia smacked him on the arm.

"You oaf! You idiot, baboon, oaf!"

But Renji just grinned, and Hisagi just sighed, running a hand over his faintly smiling face.

"So." Three pairs of eyes turned to Hanatarou. "I'm glad that you're better, Abarai san. Now onto the next subject." Renji scoffed, he had been demoted from 'shinigami' to 'subject' now, eh? Hanatarou continued "We, some other shinigami, not just healers mind you, have a base set up on the outside of the seventieth district. We should leave by tomorrow morning if we want to get to that base in one piece."

None of them ask Hanatarou who the other shinigami at the camp are. They're afraid of hearing who didn't make it through. Things haven't exactly worked in their favor as of late, and since only bad news is expected, they do not question.

Hisagi nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that sounds good. I'll stay up to keep watch first."

The other three shinigami nodded as they moved to lie down on the cave's floor. Hot wind blew in from the outside, and if one tried, the smell of burning bodies could be distinguished from the earthy air. Renji snorted slightly, turning from his side onto his back. He could try to sleep, but was likely to only dream about two things: Byakuya, and the things that had destroyed Soul Society.

The redhead closed his eyes. The apocalypse is nigh and morale is low, so why not obsess over a captain who is probably dead? Zabimaru had categorized Renji as a lovesick fool who needed the damn apocalypse to happen for him to recognize his feelings for the sixth squad Taichou.

About time, too.

"Zombies can suck my-"

"Shut up, Renji." Shuuhei called back from the entrance.

"You shut up." And now he had to deal with trauma induced by being attacked by a mindless army of zombies. It was bad enough dealing with nightmares from fighting Hollows and freaking Aizen, but now zombies had to get into the traumatic cycle. Zombies are a pain in the ass and Renji would kill as many as he could; damn the toll it took on him. Let them learn who was higher up in the food chain.

He was the predator now, and he would make sure that natural selection was in his favor.