DISCLAIMER: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That show/toy line is property of Hasbro. Some of Rainbow Dash's characterization is based from the fan video series Friendship is Witchcraft by Sherclop Pones (Jenny Nicholson and Griffin Lewis). Another acknowledgment I have to make is the plot to this first chapter is based in large part on the episode "Muh-Muh-Muh Murder" of The Looney Tunes Show, owned by Warner Brothers. Any other copyrighted materials I may use in this fan fiction are the property of their respective owners.
AUTHOR NOTE: The attention/reviews from my last fic, After Dinner Mint, (on this site, at least), has inspired me to continue writing. Thank you to any returning readers, and if you are new, welcome. This story will be a lot lighter and softer than After Dinner Mint, and is based more off Rocket to Insanity by DARKJESTER. However, this fan fic is still rated Mature for later sexual content. This fic is very outside of continuity, and is more like a sit com, a la The Looney Tunes Show to the original Looney Tunes/Merry Melodies. Constructive criticism/reviews are greatly appreciated.
Chapter One: Birthday's Rainbow
"Last cupcake, three ponies...what a dilemma," said a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail to her other two friends; a purple unicorn and a pink earth pony. The pegasus was about to continue, when suddenly the pink earth pony's tongue whipped out of her mouth and grabbed the cupcake, quickly snapping back into the pink mouth. The cyan pegasus' eyes grew wide.
"Pinkie!" cried the cyan pegasus.
"What?" replied the pink earth pony, her voice muffled with a mouth full of cupcake. Before a larger argument could grow, the waiter walked by, dropping off the bill.
"I'll get it," said Pinkie, swallowing the cupcake and reaching for her wallet.
"No, it's fine. I'll get it; I still feel bad about destroying your room at Sugar Cube Corner with that stray magic missile. Buying that new house with the down payment and everything must have been expensive," said the purple unicorn.
"Oh, it's fine, Twilight. Time for me to get my own place, anyway. What with the Cakes having their twins and everything. And these payments are really helping my credit. It was super nice of you to co-sign for the loan," said Pinkie.
"Well, being the favourite pupil of Princess Celestia is not without it's advantages. Like a good line of credit," replied the purple unicorn. Turing towards the cyan pegasus, she said
"Rainbow Dash, aren't you at least going to pretend to reach for your wallet?"
The cyan pegasus just leaned back and said "Nah, it's my birthday."
Raising an eyebrow, Twilight countered, "Your birthday is not until next week."
Looking non-paused, Rainbow Dash said "It is well in the birthday zone."
Twilight just rolled her eyes and was about to begin writing a cheque when her cell phone rang.
"Hello...Spike?...Whoa...slow down...okay...okay...just...just calm down...I'll be there soon...okay...bye," Twilight said into her phone. Looking back at her friends she said, "Spike broke his arm! Poor thing sounds scared. I'm going right away to the hospital. See you girls later." And with that, Twilight rushed out of the restaurant. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie just looked at each other for a minute.
"Way for Twilight to leave you with the bill," said Rainbow Dash. In response to Pinkie's raised eyebrow, Rainbow Dash added, "didn't bring my wallet."
"Super nice of you to let me stay at your place since Twilight is at the hospital, and my cloud house is still being repaired from that stray fire bolt Twilight shot," said Rainbow Dash as she and Pinkie neared Pinkie's new (old) house.
"Yeah...really wish Twilight would work on her aim," noted Pinkie. The house was an older two-story house from the turn-of-the-century. Although a fixer-upper, Pinkie had already improved the house quite a bit: putting up new wall paper, planting a small flower garden, giving the house a fresh coat of pink paint, restoring the vintage furniture that had come with the house, and in general trying to make the house hers. The garage was a later but still relatively old addition Pinkie used for storage, as she did not have a carriage to put into the garage, although her deflated balloon was in there.
Walking through the front door revealed a hallway with a kitchen to the left, a living room to the right, and a stair case down the side of the hall.
"I've got some work in the kitchen to do. Please, make yourself at home," said Pinkie, stepping into the kitchen, leaving Rainbow Dash to go into the living room. Looking at the décor Pinkie had set up, Rainbow Dash said,
"Ugh! That Pinkie is one crazy pink pony...This wall paper is hideous...and no way those curtains match the carpet...at least she has a tv." With that, Rainbow Dash quickly found the remote laying on a table by a recliner and turned on the tv. A local news broadcast was on, and Rainbow Dash was about to change the channel when suddenly "Special News Update" appeared across the screen. Rainbow Dash focused on the news anchor.
"Up until now, the Ponyville Stranger was thought to be a crazy pony," said the news anchor.
"Huh, just how I just described Pinkie," said Rainbow Dash.
"However, an eyewitness has emerged who describes the Ponyville Stranger as a chubby pink earth pony with big hair. If you see a pony fitting this description, call the authorities immediately," finished the news anchor. Thus ended the news, and then some show about a purple dragon came on Rainbow Dash did not care for, and so turned the tv off. The news broadcast had given her plenty to ponder.
Nah...Pinkie couldn't be the Ponyville Strangler...even if she is chubby...and pink...and an earth pony...with big hair...wow, she sure does match the description...wonder what she's doing?
Wanting to convince herself Pinkie could not be the Ponyville Strangler, she peeked into the kitchen. On the far counter, Pinkie was chopping a rainbow trout with a large meat cleaver. The sight of the gore caused Rainbow Dash to pass out.
Rainbow Dash slowly opened her eyes. The room that came into focus was not at all familiar, though she had to admit the bed for comfortable. Quickly realising the room was all pink...
Gasp! Pinkie's trapped me in her house.
Getting out of the bed and looking at the nearby dresser, Rainbow Dash saw yesterday's newspaper with the front page headline "Ponyville Strangler Strikes Again".
Pinkie's the Strangler! I have to call the authorities.
To Rainbow Dash's relief, there was a phone on the dresser.
Gotta call 911...wait, I don't know the number for 911...I know, I'll call 411, and ask them the number for 911...horse apples, I don't know the number for 411...I know! Twilight...I'll call her and ask the number for 411, then call 411 and get the number for 911! Twilight is full of useless information.
Rainbow Dash picked up the receiver and pushed the buttons for Twilight's phone number. However, there was no dial tone.
She's cut the phone lines! I've got to get out of here!
Rainbow Dash rushed to the door, only to fly back when she opened it to a confused Pinkie.
"Um...is everything alright, Dashie?" asked Pinkie, an eyebrow raised.
"Yeah...everything is just fine...you just scared me...standing there like a sociopath...not that I think you're a sociopath...know what, I'd really like to go to Twilight's now," said Rainbow Dash nervously.
"Okie dookie loki. I'll walk you there," said Pinkie with her characteristic smile.
"Wait...they say never take your killer to a second location," said Rainbow Dash.
"What?" asked Pinkie, her smile leaving her face and her eyebrow raising.
"If you take me to Twilight's, you'd be taking me to a second location," stated Rainbow Dash.
"Um...yeah," replied Pinkie.
"I don't think so, chubby," said Rainbow Dash angrily.
"You think I'm chubby?" asked Pinkie, looking down at her body. True, she did "sample" too many pastries at work, and perhaps she needed to visit the gym more often, but her BMI was barely overweight, much less "chubby". Sure, she lacked the athletic build of Rainbow Dash, but she could outrun her when it was funny.
"Yeah," said Rainbow Dash, getting close to pinkie and shoving a hoof into her chest. "I also think you're pink and have big hair!"
Pinkie gasped in offense. "Rude!" she cried as she ran out of the room.
"Awfully sensitive...for a deranged killer," Rainbow Dash said to herself. Feeling curious, Rainbow Dash then sneaked out of her room into the next room over.
"Ugg...canopy bed...embroidered pillows...frilly curtains. This is either the room of a grandmare...or a serial killer," noted Rainbow Dash. Turning to a nearby dresser, Rainbow Dash began looking through the drawers. "Lookin' for clues, like Scooby Doo...ha, that kinda rhymes!"
Opening the drawers and tossing out a few clothes, Dash noted "no guns, no knives, no body parts". At the last drawer, Dash found it full of sexy panties. "This teal thong would look so hot on Pinkie's Pink ass," said Dash, holding the pair of thongs to her nose and inhaling deeply.
Could Pinkie really be the Ponyville Strangler...or does she just happen to be chubby, pink, an earth pony, and have big hair, and I'm just jumping to conclusions because I am a narcissistic, paranoid, hateful fearmonger.
Looking at a picture of Pinkie Pie, big smile on her back and large blue eyes, Rainbow Dash thought a second.
No, that's the face of a deranged killer...
Sudden footsteps interrupted her thoughts. Dropping the teal thong on the floor, Dash quickly hid under the bed.
Entering the room and seeing her sexy panties on the floor, Pinkie asked "what are these doing here?" Leaving them for more pressing matters, Pinkie sat on the bed and dialed the phone on the nearby nightstand.
"Hi. Listen, I think she's getting suspicious. It'll have to be tonight. I'll go to the basement to get the special ingredient for those rainbow cupcakes," Pinkie said into the phone. While Pinkie was bent over placing her sexy panties back into the drawer, Dash sneaked out of the room.
Secret ingredient...rainbow cupcakes...what is she talking about?
Rainbow Dash just happened to look into a mirror in the hall way, and saw her reflection, her bright mane and tail glittering back.
Rainbow cupcakes...rainbow cupcakes!...She gonna harvest me and...that psycho bitch! I gotta get out of here!
Rainbow Dash ran down the stairs and tried to jump out the front door, but no matter how hard she pulled, the door would not open.
She's locked me in!
"Um...what are you doing?" asked Pinkie, behind Rainbow Dash, eyebrow raised.
"Oh...um...nothing," answered Dash, sweating and smiling nervously.
"Yeah, whatever...look, would you like a sandwich...or something?" asked Pinkie. Her friend's behaviour was really starting to weird her out, which was saying something.
Putting on a big, toothy smile, Dash said "A sandwich would be lovely." With that, Pinkie went into the kitchen while Dash went into the living room.
What imma gonna do? What imma gonna do!? I don't want to be cupcakes!
"Here's a tongue sandwich," said Pinkie, entering the room with a sandwich on a plate.
"Who's?" said Dash, taking a few steps back.
"What?" asked Pinkie.
"Um...I'm not really hungry after all...I'm just going to go to bed," said Dash, nervously waking back into the hallway, walking into several lamps and vases. Pinkie just sighed in exasperation.
Back in the guest room, Dash considered her situation.
Okay...so Pinkie is trying to make me into cupcakes. Stupid Twilight, destroying my safe cloud house with that firebolt. What was that noise?
Dash tip-hooves down the hall to the top of the stairs. Light from the kitchen showed a pony-shapped shadow with another pony shadow with bouncy hair with a knife in her mouth walking over to the other pony shadow.
No. Pinkie...Don't do it!
Suddenly, Pinkie's shadow raised the knife, bringing it down into the other pony shadow a few times before walking away.
Oh...that poor mare...at least it's over.
Just then, Dash heard the roar of a chainsaw and saw Pinkie's shadow holding a chainsaw. Yelling her nervous tic of "Rainbow!", she literally flew up the stairs into her room.
This is soo un-rainbow...
Then Pinkie entered the guest room.
"Hi Dashie. Were you just downstairs?" she asked as she entered.
"No...just been up here the whole time. Things are just rainbow," replied Dash, nauseatingly nervously.
Pinkie frowned and put a hoof to her chin. Rainbow Dash noticed there was red on the hoof.
"You seem kinda...nervous...to me. I'll brew up some chamomile tea," she said, exiting the room.
Yeah Pinkie. Just brew up some...chamomile tea? Chamomile is the sleepiest of all teas...she's gonna make me fall asleep so she can take me to her basement and harvest my organs for cupcakes. I don't think so, gypsy bitch.
With that, Dash quietly exited her room and went down the hall. A sign on a door saying "KEEP OUT" caught her attention.
I probably shouldn't go in there...but why do I want to so badly...because I have a problem with authority...Signs, signs, can't you read the signs...ha ha, explains why I like whiny 60's protest songs so much.
With that, Dash opened the creaking door and stepped into the dark room. Dash gasped. The walls were covered in photographs of her...there were even pictures hanging from the ceiling.
Okay...even if I am a narcissistic, paranoid, hateful fear monger...this is just weird...hell, even for a third grade school girl a shine like this is weird, much less for a twenty year old pony...
"What are you doing in here?" Dash's thoughts were interrupted by Pinkie. Jumping around, Dash saw Pinkie holding a tray with a tea pot and tea cup.
"I know you can read...the others weren't so sure until that time you were reading 'Daring Do' in the hospital...but me and Twilight won that bet. And Twilight even says you're a better reader than Applejack...you're a seventh-grade reading level, and Applejack is only a third grad level..." Pinkie continued.
"Forget reading levels...what the hay is all this?!" Dash interrupted, motioning around the room.
"Sigh...I was trying to keep this secret...but it seems I have to come clean...but I've already had a bath, so I'll just tell you the truth," replied Pinkie, setting down the tray, she opened a drawer on the table and pulled out a picture frame. Holding the picture up, Dash could see a collage of her and the rest of her friends.
"A collage made of assorted pictures of me and my friends...what would process you to make something so creepy," said Dash. Raising an eyebrow, Pinkie replied,
"Um...it's what you specifically asked for...and Twilight agreed a collage would suit your narcissism well. I was saving it for your birthday present, but you found out! You're such a smart cookie!"
"Sooo...you're not going to murder me and make me into cupcakes?" asked Dash.
"What!? Why would I murder you and make you into cupcakes?" Pinkie asked.
"Gasp! Only a murder would ask that question!" with that, Dash picked up the tea pot and threw it's boiling contents into Pinkie's face. Screaming, Pinkie rushed Dash, who quickly side stepped her, leaving Pinkie to trip over a table. Rushing into the hall, Dash turned around to see Pinkie running out. When Pinkie was in front of the stairs, Dash pushed her down the stairs, sending the pink pony rolling head first, crashing at the bottom. Dash walked down the stairs, stepping over Pinkie, who grabbed her rear hoof and managed to get out,
"Twi...Twilight..."
"Twilight? What did you do to Twilight? I've got to get over there," said Dash, kicking Pinkie in the face to release her grip. Screaming "Rainbow" as she crashed through the front door, she saw Apple Bloom in Pinkie's front yard.
"Apple Bloom! You gotta get out of here!" cried Rainbow Dash.
"Well, yeah. I've got to get you to Twilight's. Where's Pinkie, it is her plan anyway," said Apple Bloom.
Dash gasped. "You're in on her evil plan, too!"
Apple Bloom smiled and said "Yep. Pretty smart of Pinkie."
Dash lifted herself into the air and began to fly to Twilight's place. Suddenly, she felt a sudden weight on her left hind leg. Looking down, she could see a lasso around her leg, Apple Bloom on the ground on the other end. Determined, Rainbow began flying full speed, dragging Apple Bloom along the ground.
This silly filly is slowing me down...hey, maybe that cactus field will get her off.
With that, Dash flew over the cactus field, loosing sight of Apple Bloom under the tall cactus. To her surprise, the filly was still hanging on. Dash got another idea from the statue in the middle of town. Flying in an arc and suddenly stopping, Apple Bloom hit into the side of the statue, finally letting go.
Rainbow. Now to save Twilight.
In about a minute, Rainbow Dash landed in front of Twilight's house. Opening the door, she found the house dark, but could make out Twilight laying down behind a couch.
Twilight...I was too late...
Suddenly, the lights came on, and a cheer of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY", with all her friends appearing behind various pieces of furniture and curtains.
"What...what is all this?" asked Dash in shock.
"Your birthday party, silly filly," said Twilight.
"Um...my birthday isn't until next week?" commented Dash.
"Yeah, but Pinkie called and said you were getting suspicious, so we decided to have it tonight. Pinkie Pie actually did most of the preparations. We really have a good friend."
Just then, a battered Pinkie stepped into Twilight's house. She had a black eye on her red face which had several blisters on it. Before anyone could ask Pinkie how she'd gotten in her current condition, Rainbow Dash said
"Good friend...or the Ponyville Strangler!"
The room gasped. Pinkie exclaimed "What!?"
"Yes...that's why you cut the phone line," said Dash.
"You mean the phone in the guest room...there's not phone jack in there...it was only for decoration," said Pinkie.
"Yes...I remember that phone...I picked it out when we were shopping for décor for Pinkie's new house," added Rarity.
"Ok...then how do you explain locking me in the house?" said Dash.
"Um...with the Ponyville Strangler on the loose, yeah...I keep my front door locked...but you just turn the knob to unlock it," replied Pinkie.
"Wait...that's what that thing's for? Anyway, you have blood on your hooves!" cried Dash grabbing Pinkie's hooves for the room to see.
"Paint...for your birthday banner," said Pinkie, motioning to the large banner that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAINBOW DASH" in red letters. The other ponies in the room began to whisper to one another about Dash's sudden paranoia.
"You might have all these ponies fooled, but I saw you kill a mare!" said Dash.
"WHAT?!" cried Pinkie, eyes wide.
"With a chainsaw!" Dash finished dramatically.
"What was the ice sculpture of you," said Pinkie, annoyed, pointing to an eye sculpture of Rainbow Dash on a table. Suddenly, the tv that Twilight had forgotten to turn off went up in volume as "SPECIAL ANNOUNCMENT" appeared across the screen. A second later, a news anchor began speaking.
"Police are happy to announce the Ponyville Strangler has been captured. Ponies can sleep easy once again," said the news anchor. The screen then switch to a scene of police putting a chubby pink earth pony with a large afro and a sour facial expression into the back of a police car.
"Gotta admit, there is a strong resemblance," said Dash. Pinkie just crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.
"Um...where's Apple Bloom? She was suppose to get Dash so Pinkie could add some finishing touches," said Applejack. As if in answer, a badly battered Apple Bloom walked into Twilight's house.
"Apple Bloom! What the hay happened to ya? You're bruised, bleeding, and...are those cactus needles all over you?" asked Applejack.
"Tried...to get...Dash...cactus field...slammed into statue...why?" Apple Bloom got out before collapsing on the floor.
"Horse apples. Gotta get her to the hospital. Some pony call an ambulance," said Applejack. Turning to Dash, she said, "You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with this, would ya?"
Dash sweated and rubbed the back of her head. "Well, she didn't really explain herself very well...I thought they were trying to turn me into cupcakes..."
"Cupcakes...why in the world would Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom turn you into cupcakes? That sound like something from a bad fan fiction," noted Fluttershy. Dash just sweated and rubbed the back of her head some more as everypony gave her a dirty look.
"Pinkie said she was going to get some 'special ingredients' from her basement for rainbow cupcakes," Dash said defensively.
"I was meaning food colouring, for the rainbow cupcakes!" Pinkie said through her teeth.
"I haven't seen Pinkie this mad since Applejack broke her pinkie promise on that cherry farm," Rarity whispered to Fluttershy.
Her face turning red, Pinkie shouted to Rainbow Dash, "Is THAT what you think of me...think I would even be capable of doing something to stupidly evil to my friend...hay, to one of my best friends! I know the others tolerate me...Twilight patronises me—Applejack has no use for me—Rarity sees me as a foal—Fluttershy thinks my talents are a waste—but you, Dash, I thought you really were my friend. But obliviously not, if in your brain you can make such logical leaps of me preparing a surprise birthday party to bucking murdering you to make cupcakes...no, I don't want to hear your counter-argument...that I went crazy when you all were throwing me a surprise party...I certainly did, but I didn't think you all were going to murder me, and I certainly did not splash boiling tea on your face or kick you in the head or call you chubby!"
With that, Pinkie stormed out of Twilight's house, tears flowing down her face. In room was in stunned silence for a moment, before being interrupted by Rainbow Dash,
"You know, I think she might be kinda upset with me." The other ponies gave her a death glare before shouting
"NO SHIT, SHERPONY!"