CRACK! DRABBLE!
Or "As close as this Fanfic writer is going to get"
By: Tropicwhale
Summery: Oh you just have to read it. SLASH INSANITY resulting from a conversation during a car ride
Disclaimer: Contains slashy moments of the gay nature by characters that I do not own nor profit from (besides my novels are so much better, if I could only find the time to write them all down). You have been warned.
A scenario that is so impossible cannot be true. . .right?
RIGHT?
CRACK!DRABBLE!
Draco Malfoy walked up to Harry Potter during lunch one October evening (1) in Harry's nonexistent seventh year of Hogwarts in an alternate reality where something of this nature would actually happen. Draco kissed Harry. Draco kissed Harry full on the mouth. Draco kissed Harry full on the mouth in front of everyone in the Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Shocked silence ensued. Shocked silence ensued and mouths hung open. Shocked silence ensued and mouths hung open with partial masticated food in previously mentioned mouths. In that silence Hermione Granger got to her feet. Hermione Granger got to her feet calmly with the air of someone who is about to say something extremely important. Hermione Granger got to her feet and tangled her hands in her bushy hair that looks nothing like Emma Watson's hair (2) in the movies. Hermione got to her feet and tangled her hands in her hair and scream at the top of her lungs. "OH MY GOD THIS IS HORRIBLE THE WORLD EXPLODED AND IT ALL THE PORSCHE'S FAULT!!!!" Everyone in the Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry stared. But with the difference of instead of focusing on the slashy goodness, they now focused on the apparent loose-screwyness of one Hermione Granger. Some random pureblood who never appears in the books but has full and consistent character development in fanfics (I might mention Blaise Zabini, I might mention Rumpelteazer (3)) whispered
"What's a Porsche?" to which Seamus Finnagen (the token gay guy before Dumbledore was outed) said
"I don't feel exploded, but it must be true. Hermione said it." To which the Vogons laughed and started to recited bad poetry (4) that made the ears of all that heard it bleed chucks of brain matter. And then Dumbledore (who WASN'T KILLED BY SNAPE in the alternate reality where something of this nature would actually happen) choked on one of his beloved lemon drops and died suddenly. But no one noticed because they are were all contemplating the apparent explosion of the world because Hermione Granger said it so it must be true and Dumbledore died so no one was alive who could contradict it. And just as things couldn't get weirder than Draco Malfoy kissing Harry Potter and Hermione Granger going mad and the random tragic death of Dumbledore; Severus Snape and Sirius Black (in the alternate reality where they both were still alive and such things are possible) decided to have raunchy gay sex on the faculty table in the Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on top of the food and everything but no one noticed because everyone was contemplation the apparent explosion of the world because Hermione Granger said it so it must be true. Poor Professor Minerva McGonagall was left wondering where she went wrong and sighed.
THE END
Notice the intended blooper for all you grammer freaks out there, I meant to do this because well I just wanted to. Isn't that what Crack!fics are? An affront to good and decent normal fics?
Notice the not so subtle bitching about Emma Watson
Notice the CATS reference to infuriate lots of people, did you know Cats was actually a non-sequential (that means out of order) series of poems by some famous guy and was never meant to be a play? You should, it makes the musical that much more enjoyable.
Notice the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Reference. If you haven't read it, you should.
Notice that there is no (5).
Review or not! I likes review and will answer them personally, just hold in mind that this was inspired by a friend who calls me Krazy Krickets (if you find her and review one of her CRACK!fics and say that I sent you, you win a free cyber cookie! (6)) however I do not live off of them and this is really me avoiding Script Analysis homework.
(6)Notice that cyber cookies do not actually exist and thus relieves me of any duty to give you one.