Some days, Mello felt crushed.
Some days, Mello felt unbeatable.
Some others, Mello was sure he was Near's puppet, feeling outraged.
Sometimes, Mello knew he was playing Near.
He was absolutely sure.
Being blinded by confidence one of Mello's mistakes.
And he knew he wasn't seeing clearly, he just couldn't help it.
"Mello?" Matt sat next to Mello. "Are you okay? Did the medication I gave you for the burn-"
"No, it's not the medication."
Mello could accept being considered as blinded.
Because he never believed he was actually blind.
The others were.
Just because he had a different way of thinking, it didn't mean he was the blind one.
The motherfuckers around him wanted him to think that.
"Then what is it?" Matt said, leaving his gameboy on the table.
"I...Matt, am I blinded?" Matt's eyes went wide.
"Tell me that you can't see." Mello sighed.
"Matt, I didn't mean it like that."
Mafia always trusted Mello since he proved he was capable of giving the right advice.
They found him useful.
What an irony.
Since Mello didn't really care if he was useful to them, as long as they were useful to him.
Mello was always selfish.
"Do you think I am blinded, metaphorically? That..." Mello couldn't exactly voice his thoughts.
Matt looked at him weirdly as he lit up a cigarette.
And Mello sometimes felt like he was on the top of the world.
And he always had to find some place higher so Near wouldn't reach him.
Or if he ever allowed himself to think that way, that he was the one trying to reach Near.
The first time Hal contacted him, she told him that he was the only person she ever met that could make the atmosphere that intense by just his expression or his voice.
By just being at the area.
Simply being there.
"I think you should sleep. The medication should have probably made you slightly woozy. And your thoughts are probably fogged."
"Aren't they always?"
And then he got the Note.
Mello was rather monstrous whenever he had power.
Especially the power he was seeking.
And as Mello thought about it a bit more,
He was always much of a monster.
He'd use anyobody.
Anything.
He killed all of the agents without hesitation.
But that was okay.
Because Mello wasn't blinded.
"I don't know, Mello. You never tell anybody what you're thinking. We all try to guess by your emotional outbursts. Which occur rather often."
"I don't even know what I'm feeling, Matt. Which means that you all guess wrong."
"Even me?"
And then when those fuckers stole the Note.
More like got it back, a low voice told him.
Mello hissed.
He'd leave no obstacle alive.
He'd catch Kira.
And honestly,
If he arrested Kira, he'd execute him publicly.
Near right in front of Kira.
So he would smell the blood.
The death.
He'd love to see Near dying.
"I don't know, Matt...I don't know anymore."
"I can see you are desperate now."
"My brain has a black hole. I think I have lost important things because of that hole."
"Like?"
The scar didn't bother Mello.
At all.
It bothered Matt, though.
Mello had been forced to hear Matt yelling how irresponsible of him it was to join the Mafia, thinking he could handle them.
"Hacking isn't any better." Was Mello's answer.
Matt started explaining how hacking was only a hobby he did by himself, not by cooperating with criminals.
But Mello knew it was okay.
Because that black hole in his brain was something beatable.
Like Near.
Like everyone.
"I-I don't know, Matt. I am sure I am losing things. Thoughts. Important ones. But I'm not blinded, am I?"
"Not being able to think in a way that will satisfy you and being blinded are different. Not seeing clearly means that you sure don't notice some important details you should have, but that your thoughts are clear. Mistaken but clear."
Mello wondered how Matt could handle him.
How Matt could befriend him.
How Matt could love him.
Offer his help to him, risking his life.
Of course Matt was always up for something risky.
As Mello thought about it, Mello would risk for Matt too.
Just not succeeding L.
He'd never risk that.
Would he?
"And not being able to think properly?"
"It's the complete opposite. You see everything, but your thoughts are mistaken. Even though you have every single clue, you can't put them all together. Not in a right way."
"And me?"
"You are a single category, Mello."
But Mello knew one thing for sure.
Even if he was a monster.
Even if he was selfish.
Even if his mind was clouded.
He was no inferior to Near.
"Am I?" Matt smiled.
"As always. Clear your mind. Don't bother yourself with these. I'm here. I'll help you." Mello felt Matt's lips on his in a matter of seconds.
Maybe he was inferior to Matt.
After all, Matt was the only one putting him into deep thoughts.
And bringing him out of them.