A/N: you're probably saying to yourself: "What the Heck is this?" Good question. Well…it's a musical (Note: The title says "Hogan's heroes: The Musical". What else could it be?) That's right, this is a story put to song. Just pretend you went to see, for example, The Phantom of the Opera, or Mamma Mia (not to mention, that there will be songs from these). You might know most of these songs. If you don't, I'm sure you can find them on the web. So enjoy yourselves and please sing and review!
Hogan's Heroes: The Musical
All (except Hogan): Heroes, heroes, husky men of war. Sons of all the heroes, of the war before.
We're all heroes up to our ear o's. You ask questions - we make suggestions
That's what we're heroes for.
All good heroes love a good, big fight. Open up the bomb bays and brighten up the night.
We applaud the people who laud us, you pull the roses, we punch the noses,
That's what we're heroes for.
What's a hero do? Well, we're not gonna tell ya 'cause we wish we knew.
That's why we heroes are so few.
We've got a slogan from Colonel Hogan and Colonel Hogan's a hero too.
Hogan: Never flinch, boys, never be afraid, heroes are not born, boys, heroes are made.
Ask not why, boys, never say die, boys
All: Answer the call; remember we'll all be heroes forever more!
----- ----- -----
"Of course," Newkirk speaks up to the rest of the group, "we didn't get this way with out our good ol' Colonel 'ogan!"
LeBeau, Carter and Kinch begin to hand out beer, champagne and other drinks to the rest of the prisoners gathered.
Colonel Hogan
Sung by: The Heroes
Taken off from: "Mrs. Robinson" by: Simon and Garfunkle
Newkirk: (raising his glass) And here's to you, Colonel Hogan
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan
London holds a place for those who obey (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
All: (raising their glasses) And here's to you, Colonel Hogan
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan
London holds a place for those who obey (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
(Hogan thinks back to his first arrival to the camp)
Klink: I'd like to know a little bit about you for my files
Shultz: We'd like to hold you here to the end of the war
Klink and Schultz: Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes
Klink: Stroll around the compound until you feel at home
(End of flashback)
All: (raising glasses) And here's to you, Colonel Hogan
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan
London holds a place for those who obey
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
Newkirk: 'iding the operation in an 'iding place where no one ever goes
Message from London: "Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes"
LeBeau: It's a little secret, just the Heroes are there
Kinch: Most of all, you've got to hide it from the Klink
All: Coo, coo, ca-choo, Colonel Hogan
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan
London holds a place for those who obey
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
Carter: Sitting in the tunnel on a Sunday afternoon
Kinch: Going to the Kommandant's office
Newkirk: Laugh about it, shout about it when you've fooled the Germans
Shultz: Every way we look at it, we lose
Carter: Where have you gone, Klink's cigars?
Carter and LeBeau: Our Stalag turns its searching eyes to you (Woo, woo, woo)
LeBeau: What's that you say, Colonel Hogan?
LeBeau and Newkirk: You have stolen them clean away! (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
All: (raising their glasses) And here's to you, Colonel Hogan
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan
London holds a place for those who obey (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
----- ----- -----
Hogan waves to the rest of his companions and humbly accepts his recognition. "This is very nice," he says, "but I did not do it alone." He takes a sip of his beer. "For example," he continues, taking Newkirk by his side,
Corporal Newkirk
Sung by: The Heroes, Schulz
Taken off from "Mr. Mistoffolees" from Cats by: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice
Hogan: There's no such corporal, in the air force,
he owns all the peeten monopolies for preforming suprising illusions and creating eccentric confusions.
The greatest magicians have something to learn from Corporal Newkirk's conjuring turn.
And you'll all say:
All (except Newkirk): Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk
Hogan: He is outspoken, he is tall, he is crafty
from his hat to the tip of his heels.
He can creep through the tiniest crack, he can walk on the narrowest rail.
He can pick any card from a pack, he is equally cunning with dice.
He is always deceiving you into believing that he's only hunting for lice.
Kinch: He can play any trick with a cork or a spoon and a bit of fish paste.
And if you look for a grenade or a rifle and you think it is merely misplaced.
You have seen it one moment and then it is gone!
But you find it next week lying on the compound.
Hogan: And we all say:
All: Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Newkirk: My manner is vague and aloof.
You would think there was nobody more open,
but my voice has been 'eard on the roof
when I was curled up by the bunk
and have sometimes been heard by the tunnel
when I was about on the roof.
At least they all heard that somebody moved
which is uncontestable proof of my singular magical powers
and I've known the Shultzie to call me out from the barracks for 'ours
while I was asleep in the tunnel.
Shultz: And not long ago, this phenomenal corporal produced seven strudels right out of a hat!
Hogan: And we all say:
All: Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?
Hogan: Ladies and gentlemen allies and enemies, I give you the magical Peter Newkirk!
----- ----- -----
"And, we certainly con not forget our Carter," Hogan smiles.
"Carter who?" asks Carter.
"I'll tell you," replies the colonel,
Sweet Carter from Bullfrog
Sung by: The Heroes
Taken off from the folk song: "Sweet Betsy from Pike" by: unknown
Hogan: Did you ever hear of sweet Carter from Bullfrog, who crossed the wide ocean in search of his love (explosions) with two sticks of dynamite and a box of fuse a case of nitroglycerin and an explosion tattoo?
Hogan: Singing:
All (except Carter): One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!
Hogan: Singing
All: One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!
Hogan: His shot up plane was burning and bare and the pilot cried in fear,
"We are lost, I declare! My dear old America Country, I'll go back to you."
Said Carter:
Carter: "You'll go by yourself, if you do, boy. Er…sir!"
Hogan: Singing:
All: One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!
Hogan: Singing
All: One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!
Hogan: They swam the wide rivers and crossed the tall peaks they camped on the Alps for weeks upon weeks.
They fought off the Krauts with rifle and bomb…
Carter: (sulking) and were captured in Stalag 13 in spite of it all.
Hogan: Singing:
All: One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!
Hogan: Singing
All: One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!
----- ----- -----
"Oh," chuckles Carter, "that Carter!"
"You mean, there're more!" jokes Newkirk. He then turns to the others and calls out "'ide the dynamite!"
Hogan laughs. He then smiles, "And we can't forget our transmitter-driving man, now can we?"
"Transmitter-driving'?" parrots Kinch.
James Kinchloe
Sung by: The Heroes
Taken off from the folk song: "John Henry" by: unknown
Hogan: When James Kinchloe was a little baby.
All: Little, little baby
Hogan: A sittin' on his daddy's knee, he picked up a transmitter and a little piece of wire, said:
Kinch: "This is what I'm gonna do in Stalag 13,"
All: Lord, Lord,
Kinch: "This is what I'm gonna do in Stalag 13,"
Kinch: Well, my parents didn't know what I was a 6alking' about, they kept saying, "What the heck is this Stalag 13?" I could not answer for I didn't know my self, "Just gonna have to wait and see"
All: Lord, Lord,
Kinch: "Just gonna have to wait and see"
Hogan: James Kinchloe said to his captain,
Kinch: "A man ain't nothin' but a man, and before I let that blasted Nazi beat me down, I'll die with a transmitter in my hand"
All: Lord, Lord,
Kinch: "I'll die with a transmitter in my hand"
Hogan: James Kinchloe was tapping out the message, And his transmitter was flashing fire, and the only words they heard that poor boy say,
Kinch: "Gimme a fire extinguisher 'fore I burn,"
All: Lord, Lord,
Kinch: "Gimme a fire extinguisher 'fore I burn,"
Hogan: James Kinchloe, they flew across the Alps, the Nazi only made half,
But they pushed so hard that he ran out o' fuel, and they touched down their planeand they landed
All: Lord, Lord,
Hogan: And they touched down their planeand they landed
Hogan: They took James Kinchloe to their headquarters, and they threw him in Stalag Thirteen, and that is how we here came to have a messenger and transmitter driving man
All: Lord, Lord, a messenger and transmitter driving man!
----- ----- -----
"And last, but certainly not least…" continues Hogan,
"But for sure the shortest," interrupts Newkirk sparking laughter in the crowd.
"Very funny," remarks Hogan at the Englander's joke, "our Frenchman LeBeau: the Cooking Wizard!"
"I can agree with that!" exclaims Shultz
LeBeau: The Cooking Wizard
Sung by: The Heroes, Shultz
Taken off from: "Pinball Wizard" from: Tommy by: The Who
Shultz: Ever since I was a young boy I've eaten the fine cuisine.
From Düsseldorf over to Frankfurt I must have tasted them all
But I haven't seen nothing like him in any kitchen hall
That short, little cockroach sure makes a mean strudel!
Kinch: He stands like a statue becomes part of the stove
Checking all the burners
Always cooking clean
He cooks by intuition
The cook book's never open
That short little French Corporal sure makes a mean dinner
All: He's a cooking wizard
There's got to be a twist
A cooking wizard
He's got such a supple whisk
Newkirk: How do you think he does it?
Hogan: I don't know
Carter: What makes him so good?
Newkirk: 'e ain't got no distractions
Can't 'ear those guards and roll calls
Don't see lights a flashin'
Cooks by sense of smell
Never gets a complaint
Never fails at all
My short, little French mate
Sure cooks a mean roast chicken!
All: He's a cooking wizard
There's got to be a twist
A cooking wizard
Carter: Just watch his blending tricks!
Hogan: Even under the stress of Nazis
He can beat his best
His helpers lead him in
And he just does the rest
He's got crazy cooking hands
Never seen him fall
Our short, little Corporal LeBeau
Sure makes a mean casserole
All: He's a cooking wizard
There's got to be a twist
A cooking wizard
A wonderful joy for all!