Hello everybody.
This is my first Host-story (one-shot) and I hope you will like it.
I would appreciate it very much of you reviewed, because I want to improve my writing.
Bye! LilyJet
Disclaimer. I do not own "The Host", Stephenie Meyer does.
Summary. Wanda lost her sunshine. Can Ian fix this, or will it break them up?
My Sunshine
'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,' I whispered. My hands were clenched in fists, my eyes tightly shut. Tears were leaking down my cheeks, soaking the bed I was lying on. The guilt was burning like a fire within me. It was my fault, all my fault.
Ian was away on a raid and I was almost sick with worry. It didn't make sense, he went on raids all the time, and I too. Burns and Sunny were with them, so Ian and the other humans didn't even have to be seen. I laid a hand on my stomach to try calming it down, the nerves were making me nauseous.
'Do you think they will come home safely?' I asked Jamie. We were peeling potatoes together in the big dining hall. He had been bummed that he couldn't join the raid, I was glad he hadn't. If he had been away too, I would definitely have trouble sleeping.
'Sure, Wanda. Nothing has ever happened on a raid since you came here, and neither before that.' he tried to reassure me, but his words did little to calm me down.
It had been three years since I had begun my tenth life, but it felt like yesterday that I had woken up in my new body. I was used to this body now, although I'd had to fight off a lot of insecurities. I had been afraid Ian wouldn't like me anymore, but Melanie.
True, he had said he loved me, my soul; it was just hard to imagine that he would prefer me, in my small little body and "cute" face, over Melanie, whose body was simply perfect.
The first step had been the decision for me to sleep with him in his room. Never had I felt so protected like I had when I fell asleep in his arms. Those arms and his soft breathing would make me giggle happily when I woke up in the middle of the night. This would wake him up too, so that in the end we were both giggling happily.
After that we begun to act more and more like a couple. We would hold hands under the table while eating, smile secretly at each other when working on the other ends of the room, or even kiss in the hallways, which Jamie didn't like, because he often caught us.
'Wanda! They're back!' My head shot up like a bullet shot out of a gun, before I started to run in the direction of the entrance of the cave. My heart was thudding like it would jump out of my chest, it almost made me feel lightheaded. Never had I ever felt this relieved, happy.
'Ian!' I flung myself in his arms, knowing he would catch me. The feel of his arms wrapped around me, made tears well in my eyes. I blinked quickly, trying to stop them, but they fell down my cheeks in little flows. At first Ian only chuckled happily, but when he heard me sniffle, he gently pushed me back a bit to look me in the eye.
'Wanda, are you okay? Is something wrong?' The tears made it impossible for me to speak, so I just shook my head, while trying to hug him again. He let me, but I knew he was still concerned.
'I was scared something happened to you,' I whispered into his chest.
Ian gave me a quick squeeze, and then broke our hug. 'Let's go to our room to talk.' He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we went on our way to our room.
Hands were stroking my hair, but I shook them off. I didn't deserve for someone to care about me, to comfort me. My hands were trembling, so I tucked them under my leg.
'Wanda, sweetheart, please, turn around.' I stiffly shook my head. He shouldn't be so kind to me, it was my entire fault.
'Go away.' My voice sounded like I hadn't used it for years, scratchy from all the tears.
Most of the time, Ian was awake before I was. He would gently touch my face or arm with his fingertips, waking me up and giving me goose bumps. I would then lazily roll over to face him, a happy smile on my face. It was nice to wake up this way; it made me smile for the rest of the day.
Today things went different. I woke up before Ian, feeling the urge to vomit. I untangled myself from Ian, stood up, and quickly made my way to the bathroom. I barely made it. After I had emptied my stomach for about five minutes, I sat down, exhausted. My head hurt from all the retching, and my throat was burning.
'Wanda? Are you in here?' I lifted my head, before being blinded by a flashlight. I couldn't see the person's face, but immediately recognized Ian's voice.
'Yes, I'm here,' I said, 'I don't feel well.' He quickly turned the flashlight off, and sat down next to me, pulling me onto his lap.
He felt my forehead with his big hand and kissed the spot after. 'Does it hurt anywhere, baby?'
I shook my head while closing my eyes. The nausea had ebbed away, now I only felt tired, like I had run ten marathons after each other.
'I'm fine now, I just want to sleep.' Ian checked my face again, then picked me up.
'I will bring you to bed, but if you don't feel better tomorrow, I will bring you to Doc.' I was asleep before he had finished his sentence.
I had been laying in the bed for three days, crying with my head turned in the direction of the wall behind the bed. As a soul I had never felt like this, sick with grief and guilt, and even as a human I didn't expect to ever feel like this.
After those three days I decided it was enough. I had to get up, start helping around again, and I just had deal with all the grief and guilt myself, it wasn't right to burden other people with it.
Ian, who had fallen in a light sleep after two days, woke up from my sudden movement. For a sort moment he looked relieved, but when he saw my expression, his face fell. 'Honey, are you feeling better now?' He stood up and tried to touch my face. I turned my head the other way and his hand fell down against his leg with a thud.
I stood up stiffly, slowly stretching my limbs. The infirmary was empty, something that didn't happen a lot, because Doc was there all the time. I walked around Ian, determined to help Lydia with baking bread. I was ashamed that I had done nothing for three days; everybody must have been a lot busier than normal. I had been so selfish.
Ian followed me to the dining hall, not saying a word. When I arrived at the entrance of the big hall, I saw everybody eat. I stopped abruptly, before anybody had seen me. Would they hate me? It was all my fault, after all.
Jamie was the first one to look into our direction and he immediately jumped up when he saw us- me.
'Wanda! There you are! Are you feeling okay?' He ran towards us and pulled me with him to a place to sit. 'Come on, sit down. Do you want to eat something?' Before I could answer him, he was on his way to grab me some food.
I felt all the people looking at me, but afraid to see all the accusing gazes, I looked at my hands, which were lying on my lap. It was almost like the first time I entered the dining hall, when I was still in Melanie's body. Except then I had felt a whole lot less guilty.
'Wanda, I'm going to get Doc, you really need his help.' Ian was sitting next to me on the bed, holding my hand securely in his own. I had managed to postpone it a bit, but after I had woken up feeling nauseous for the fourth day in a row, he couldn't wait any longer.
Still not feeling well, I nodded weakly. Ian quickly gave me a kiss on the top of my head, and then went away to fetch Doc. It didn't take long for the two men to come back.
'Wanda?' I opened my eyes and saw Doc's concerned face. 'Ian told me you haven't been feeling well for the last few days. Can you tell what's wrong?'
I told him about nausea, dizziness and fatigue. He listened carefully and suddenly his facial expression turned into a mix of happiness and shock. I didn't understand.
'I'm going to ask you a personal question, is that alright?' I nodded, Souls never feel ashamed or embarrassed. 'Have you missed any of your periods recently?'
I thought about for a few seconds, and indeed, it had been awhile since I had had my period. It wasn't something I really kept an eye on, seeing as it was something I wasn't used to.
'Yes, I think I missed two. Why?' I didn't understand why he would want to know. Did it mean something serious?
'I think you are pregnant.' I sent him a look full of shock.
'A baby?' He nodded.
My mouth fell open in astonishment and I looked up to Ian, who was seated next to me on the bed. He had an expression of shock and happiness on his face, just like Doc had had earlier.
It felt like we had known about the baby for ages, but it really had been yesterday when Doc told us the news. I was almost in a kind of trance; the only thing I could do was silently stare to the space in front of me. A baby!
This night, just like last night, Ian had put his hand protectively on my stomach, it made me nauseas, and not because of the morning sickness (which apparently could last all day). The same insecurities I had felt during the first period in my new body, I had all over again. It wasn't my baby, but the one of the body, of a human. From Ian and another woman. I had wanted to live a normal live with him, not with some kind of baby with it. It had to go!
Trying not to wake Ian, I slipped from underneath his arm, and walked to the entrance of the room. I turned around to look at him. He was sleeping so peacefully, not knowing of the horrible thing I was going to do. I knew he was thrilled about the baby, and it hurt me to hurt him, but I had to.
It wasn't difficult to find my way in the caves any more, even in the dark. It didn't take me long to arrive at the infirmary. I saw a light, and knew that Doc was still awake. I found him sitting on a chair, staring in to the distance.
'Doc?' He jumped a bit at hearing my voice. It cost me some difficulty to not start laughing, but when I thought about my deceit, it wasn't so hard anymore.
'What's wrong, Wanda? Aren't you feeling well?'
I shook my head. 'I don't want a baby.' The only expression on Doc's face was shock.
'You mean...?' He rose from his chair, walked towards me and pulled me to the chair he was sitting on before. 'You shouldn't make any rash decisions right now. You're hormonal and Ian isn't here.
'Yes, I am.' I almost fell from the chair when I heard Ian's voice behind me.
'Sweetheart, what are you doing?' He approached me and easily lifted me onto his lap. My new Host's body was petite, and Ian loved to pull on to his lap or lift me up. Men could be such machos.
I swallowed. How was I supposed to tell him I didn't want this child? 'It's just... It's not my baby, not ours.' I saw he didn't understand. 'This isn't my body,' I clarified.
Even though we had had this conversation more than a hundred times, I saw no impatience in his eyes or on his face. 'Wanda, you must know by now, that a body doesn't define a person, it's his soul. I love you because of your soul, not your body.'
'You don't love my body?' Tears welled up in my eyes, I didn't even understand why I was asking him this, wasn't that the thing I was afraid of? Were these the hormones everybody was talking about?
'You know I love both your soul and body. But it's the soul that matters the most.' He softly stroked my hair. 'This baby could have totally different biological parents, but if we raised it, it would still be ours.' It was weird how Ian could so easily take all my worries away. Without him I must have gone crazy ages ago.
'So you don't care that it's not our real baby?' I was playing with the buttons on his shirt, not wanting to see his face, afraid of what I would see there.
'Baby, stop worrying. It is our baby.' He gently lifted my head by pushing my chin up with his fingers. 'I love you, and our baby.'
I looked into his eyes and indeed saw all the love and caring in his eyes he always had. A small smile appeared on my face, before disappearing again. 'But what if I'm a bad mother? Now Ian did roll his eyes.
After the whole 'infirmary-disaster', as we called it, Ian and I talked a lot. We talked about the things we needed for the baby, the things we would teach him, thought about names. We both were exited and couldn't wait for him or her to come. Meanwhile I was about four months pregnant, and I was happy.
Yes, sometimes I would burst into tears for no reason at all and that was scaring everybody around me. The only people who could calm me down were Ian and Kyle. Yes, Kyle, probably because he looked so much like Ian. Naturally, when I heard him ask Ian if he could stop me from crying when he was around, he couldn't help me any more either.
So, apart from that, everything was fine. The morning sickness was almost nonexistent and just yesterday I felt the baby kick for the first time.
I had been cutting some bread. Ian wouldn't let me do heavy work anymore, so the only thing I could do was help in the kitchen. It was nice, just Melanie, Sunny and me. Melanie and I were close, how could you not be when you had shared a body for a long time? Sunny was attached to Kyle most of the time, but felt a connection with both me and Burns, because we all were Souls.
That's when I had felt it. I'd dropped the knife in shock and grabbed my stomach. Melanie and Sunny had quickly ran over to me, concern written on their faces. 'Is something wrong? Does it hurt?' 'Should someone go get Doc?' With gentle but firm hands they'd pushed me towards a chair.
I'd shook my head, my hands softly stroking my baby bump. 'It kicked,' I had said while raising my head. Little tears of joy had welled up in my eyes and fell down my cheeks. 'There, again.'
They both had put a hand on my belly, faces smiling when they felt it. 'I'm going to get Ian, he must feel this too!' Melanie had said, and she'd ran out of the room.
It didn´t take long before Ian arrived, cheeks flushed from the short run. ´Let me feel, let me feel!' He'd sounded like a little kid and I couldn´t help but smile. I had taken his hand and placed it on the right spot. For a few seconds his face had looked concentrated, then he'd broken out in a big smile. He'd gently lifted me in his arms, bridal style, and spun a few circles.
That evening I still felt the joy of the first kick of my little baby. Ian and I were laying in bed, arms firmly wrapped around each other.
'Ian, I have some kind of song in my head. I think it´s from a memory from the body.' I began humming the tune that was stuck in my head for a few weeks.
'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.'
The words Ian sang sounded familiar and I soon joined his soft singing. The baby, who had been kicking for almost the whole day, calmed down a bit, and I felt myself slipping away in a deep slumber too.
It had happened two weeks ago, and all that time I had succeeded in avoiding as much people as possible. I always walked around with my head turned down and when somebody asked me something, I would answer in short, one syllable answers. The mattresses in Ian's and my room were pushed to two different sides, so I slept on my own, my face turned to the wall. The only one who wasn't easy to avoid was Jamie, but he looked more worried every time I saw him.
On the outside, physically I was fine, but mentally I was a mess. There was only one thing I could think of, and I didn't pay attention to normal things like eating and drinking. Ian and Jamie always fixed me a plate, but the only thing I did with the food was play with it. I did the chores everybody had to do, but my thoughts always drifted away.
The feelings of guilt became bigger every day, and I started to hate myself more and more. It wasn't important how I was doing or feeling, I had screwed everything up. It was all my fault.
It had been one week since I had felt the baby kick for the first time, and the happy feeling hadn't left me. Ian hovered around me the whole time and kept putting his hand on my stomach to feel the baby.
Today I had woken up with a strange feeling in my body. My belly hurt a bit, and I felt weak. I went to the bathing room and splashed some water in my face to wake myself up a bit. Doc had said that the hormones could cause me to feel great one time, and very tired a moment later. Yes, this was probably just hormones.
Everything went normal till halfway through the afternoon after we'd had lunch. Ian was helping on the fields. When they asked him he had hesitated, not wanting to leave me, but I had assured him I would be fine, so he went to the fields.
I was again helping in the kitchen, until some things were needed from the storage area. I said I would get them, because Doc had said exercise was good for the baby.
'I'll come with you,' Kyle said. He had been talking to Sunny, before he would join Ian and a few other men on the fields.
We went on our way, and Kyle asked, 'Are you alright, you look a bit pale.' I nodded, but in truth, I was feeling a bit queasy.
We arrived at the place where all the things were stored and I had flashbacks to the times I had been kept captivated in the little hole.
Kyle grabbed a few boxes and I bent to get some too, when I felt a sharp pain in my belly. 'Ow!' One of my hands quickly went to my baby bump, the other tried to get a hold on the wall behind me.
'Wanda, what's wrong?' Kyle stood beside me, the boxes laid forgotten behind him.
'Something's wrong with- Ow!' This time the pain was so intense, that I would have collapsed if Kyle hadn't been there to catch me.
'I'm going to take you to Doc.' He lifted me in his arms and began running to the infirmary. I was crying, totally in panic, and afraid I was going to lose the baby. I screamed when I saw some drops of blood on my white pants.
It didn't take us long before we entered the infirmary. Kyle quickly told Doc what happened, and Doc began examining me.
'Why don't you go get Ian?' I saw the look Doc and Kyle exchanged, and fear grabbed my heart.
'What's wrong with my baby?' My hands took hold off one of Doc's arms and squeezed. 'Tell me, is it okay?'
He rubbed a hand over his face and said, 'I'm going to have to examine you more thoroughly before I can answer that question.'
While Doc was preparing for an ultrasound, Ian entered the infirmary. His face was pale and I saw tears in his eyes. 'Sweetheart, are you alright?' He quickly took my hand and kissed it.
I tugged my shirt up so Doc could put the cold gel on my stomach- I shivered, not from the cold but from fear- and he began to search for the baby while looking at the monitor.
Silence.
I knew this wasn't good. We had always heard the sounds of the beating heart. Not now.
Doc moved the little device around over my belly for a little bit, then shut down the machine and turned to us. His hands were trembling, eyes a bit misty.
'I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat. The baby is dead.'
He continued to say more, but I tuned him out. My baby. My sweet little baby. In some strange way the tears had dried and wouldn't come out again. I was numb.
'Honey, did you hear what Doc said?' I slowly turned my head in the direction of Ian, but I wasn't really seeing him. 'He is going to remove the-' His voice stopped, but I knew what he was going to say.
'No, you can't take my baby. It's mine.' I put my hands on my stomach. 'Don't touch it, don't touch me!'
Both Ian and Doc tried to calm me down, but I was completely out of it. I screamed and slapped around me, they had to go! Now the tears were falling down rapidly, I couldn't see a thing anymore, and I didn't care; the only thing I could scream- and think of- was, 'My baby… my baby!'
I woke up with a gasp, my heart was aching. I knew this wasn't a dream- a nightmare- no, it had really happened. My hands automatically went to my stomach, and when I felt the flat skin the pain started all over again. I pushed the blankets down and sat up. It was dark, but I could see Ian lying on the mattress on the other side of the room.
Although I felt like I had to stay away from Ian- he made me happy, and it was just wrong for me to be happy now, not after all that I had done- I also longed for him to wrap his arms around me. I missed his kisses, his touch, even his soothing voice.
I stood up and walked towards his mattress. I hesitated, would he accept my apology? I had killed his baby.
'Ian?' I whispered while I gently shook his shoulder. I had always found it funny to see him wake. Firstly he would scratch his head, then he would stretch like a little kitten and lastly he would open his eyes and look very confused for a few seconds. This time wasn't any different.
'I- I need to talk to you.' He sat up straight and pulled me next to him.
'Tell me what's wrong.' He gently rubbed my arm, almost afraid I would pull away.
'I'm really sorry, Ian. I- I know it's all my fault, but I just-' He cut me off before I could say more.
'Your fault? What are you talking about?' He looked confused, yet there also was a bit of understanding- and pain in his eyes.
'It's my fault the baby died. I killed our baby. I didn't want it in the beginning, so I killed it. I'm so sorry.' I felt tears well up in my eyes, and I was angry with myself for being so weak.
He gently but also firmly took my face between his hands and looked me in the eye. 'Wanda, I thought you were mad at me or just grieving, I never thought you blamed yourself for this. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault.'
I shook my head furiously, not really listening to him. 'No! I killed our baby. And I'm sorry, so sorry! Please tell me you forgive me, please!'
Now he grabbed my shoulders a bit firmer and shook me lightly. 'Wanda, snap out of it! These things happen. Sometimes a baby dies, it's horrible, but it happens. But that isn't anybody's fault! You must listen to me.'
'No! You don't understand. I'm so sorry!'
'You don't understand. Nobody killed the baby. It was weak, sick. These caves aren't healthy for us, adults, but especially for unborn babies it's dangerous. It would be better if we could live in a place above the ground, so that you could go outside when you were pregnant. Doc explained it to me. These things happen.'
I looked at the tears which were rolling down his cheeks, not saying a word since it seemed like my throat was obscured by something big. It was strange to see a big, tough guy like Ian cry. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, pressing my nose in the hollow between his neck and shoulder.
'I really wanted to have this baby.' My voice sounded muffled against his shirt, but by the tightening of his arms around me I knew he had heard me.
'I know, honey. Me too. But if we stick together, cry together and eventually laugh together, we will be okay.' The way he softly stroke my hair made me feel better, even if it was just for a little bit.
'I'm sorry I avoided you. I- I really missed you.' I pulled back a little to look into his eyes. 'Do you forgive me?'
'If you mean for "killing our baby", then no, because there's nothing to forgive you for, naturally I forgive you for the avoiding-thing; you can't imagine how much I missed you.'
He pushed me down so I was lying on the bed, and lay down next to me, firmly holding my hands in his, my head resting on his chest. 'We will be alright, baby.'
Yes, I knew we would be alright. We had lost our little sunshine, but together we would make it just fine. And maybe, someday, we would get a new sunshine.