"GRAGHHKHFSSLOGHAVAUHWKIEAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!"
A large creature stood within the debris of what used to be Beacon. As students either ran out or prepared to face the monster that suddenly attacked the school, he clenched his teeth and ass cheeks as he farted, igniting flammable oil blatantly set up by Roman Torchwick because he was actually a fanwick of Minecraft.
Years, and years and years and years… Years, he waited for his release. Years did he wait for his moment to shine, but yet again, he had been denied by the deity of Canada, Masahiro Sakurai.
A prophecy had once told of his inclusion in the most recent battle of galactic all-stars. Told by Stalin's grandfather-in-law, a being known as "Ridley" would have been included in the battle of the century. He waited in anticipation, training furiously to become the best there ever was. He did everything he could to look epic enough for the gods to accept him, but alas, his looks were ultimately what prevented him from joining the Smash Brothers in beautifully-scaled combat.
He was too big, they said.
"NNNNNNNNNNRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Picking up a plate littered with marijuana on it, Ridley F. Smash furiously threw the object into a fire. Though he would have been proclaimed as a hero for making Cuba's reputation look just a little better, him destroying the entire academy forced everyone to run away from Ridley.
"NGHH! NGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJKKKKKKGAGHAGHAGHAGHAH! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!"
Using the power of the Ninety-Nine Dragons, Ridley F. Smash jumped into a wall that stood before him, crashing through a window to deal more damage to the building. The building flinched, gritting his teeth as he whispered, "Not a-fucking-Gaia-n."
Huntsmen and Huntresses stood up against Ridley, only to fall before him in battle. While he- thankfully- decided to spare all of them, he eternally traumatized them by sharing his life story. Two policemen from Vale fired pistols at the large creature from a distance as Ridley attempted to smack a girl with a giant scythe-gun.
"OC FUCKFACE, WHAT'S YOUR STATUS?!" Sergeant Muhammad Squidward screamed into his radio, only to hear a hideous gargle. "SHIT, RIDLEY'S SO STRONG, HE TENTAKILLED OUR OC WITHOUT EVEN FIGHTING HIM!"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE?!" Lieutenant Megatronus Sparklefag screamed to his partner, who stood next to him firing Dust bullets at Ridley. "WHY DO WE HAVE RANKS?! WHY AM I EVEN HERE?! WHAT AM I EVEN DOING?!"
"WE'RE SAVING THE WORLD, MAN!"
"Oh, really?"
"HUH? CAN'T HEAR YOU, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"OOPS, SORRY, I FORGOT MY ALL CAPS-"
At that moment, Ridley finally noticed them and swung his mighty tail at the two cops, sending them flying away from Bacon Grillcademy.
"NO!" Ruby Rose shouted as she attempted to reach out for the flying cops. "DON'T GO YET! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!"
Sergeant Squidward chuckled as he saluted at Ruby, not noticing that his pants zipper was stuck on his partner's pants. Looking like a flying bola of gayness, he shouted as he flew to the skies,
"FUCK YOU, TRIGONOMETRY!"
But it was right then that Jaune Arc realized his destiny.
Jaune Freeman Arc, hero of his Full Metal Fapchemist family, was just Ozpin's stepbrother. Barely standing a few feet away from Ridley, he fell on his knees, staring at his hands.
"I used to fap so humbly," Jaune whispered. "But what have I done to summon Ridley F. Smash?!
"How can I possibly stop that damn creature…?!"
As Jaune began to have as many flashbacks as Naruto had, Lie Ren ran down the skies before kneeling next to John Carter of Mars, only to realize that he got the wrong person. Running toward Jaune Arc, Ren kneeled once again, shaking Jaune's shoulders as he shouted,
"JAUNE!"
"WHAT?!"
Taking out Nora's hammer, Ren quickly stuffed the hammer in his mouth, chewed it within two seconds as explosions rang through his cheeks, before spitting out a holy dagger.
"W-What's this, Ren?!" Jaune asked, shocked by the fact that his friend was actually a weapon dispenser in real IRL.
"This blade," Ren said, passionately looking into his ex-wife's eyes, "is shit. Kill yourself with it, and the world is saved."
"W-What?! No! I'm too young to die!" Jaune cried, sobbing uncontrollably.
But then, Ren told him of the horrifying truth.
"If you do not kill yourself, you will make love to Velvet Scarlatina and have her give birth to Cardin Winchester, the grandfather of Michael Bay. It's up to you to stop the Bay War from blowing up Remnant both literally and financially."
"W-What if I don't kill myself…?!"
Ren's eyes turned red because he got very serious.
.
.
.
.
"You'll make love to Cardin Winchester as well."
.
.
Jaune snatched the dagger from Ren and killed himself.
...
...
...
Jaune Arc screamed as he woke up from a terrifying nightmare. Sweat profusely pouring out of his body, Jaune leapt out of his bed, screaming his way into the JNPR dorm's bathroom.
But unbeknownst to him, a dagger lay underneath the blankets of his bed.