Meredith is staring at the ceiling, her mind running over the events of the past few hours over and over again in her head. She looks over at the body lying next to her in the bed and she sighs. He broke her. He broke her. She is the one who is the strongest and now she is lying there sleeping fitfully after crying for a few hours.
I can't. I can't do this anymore. He is miserable. He asked me to put him out of his misery. I can't hurt him. I can't risk being hurt. Oh God. I can't do this.
Meredith starts to feel slightly suffocated. She feels her lungs being compressed by the weight of the love that fills her heart and she can't, she can't take it. She can't hurt him. She doesn't want him to hurt anymore. There is no reason for them both to suffer. She is suffocating, much like Cristina felt like she was earlier when Meredith had to cut off her wedding dress, only Meredith doesn't have anyone to wield the pair of scissors.
It's over. So over.
She really said those words. She really said them and she wasn't sure what she meant at the time, but now, now she understands. Burke and Cristina, they were her hope. They were her hope for the happily ever after and now, now she knows that Derek is miserable and it is because of her. She has made him miserable. It pains her so much that she has made him miserable.
The water. The water was suppose to cleanse her and make her better. She was a new person. A new person who was attempting to be not so dark and twisty, but now...now she feels more twisted than ever and everything around her seems to be dark. She finally understands why Mick Jagger felt the need to paint everything black. That is why the sunrise is so painful for her to watch. The colors that are bright, warming, and welcoming should offer her some sort of comfort, but instead they make her feel sick. It is one of the reason why she loves Seattle, overcast skies most of the time.
She feels the hot tears begin to make their way down her cheeks. She slowly and reluctantly rolls out of the bed. She stands at the window and watches the sunlight slowly begin to make its way across the horizone. She sees the various orange, yellow, and red shades of the sunrise begin to shatter the dark blues of the night. She can't do this. She can't do this anymore. She turns to the sleeping form on the bed.
Meredith (whispering): I'm so sorry.
Without looking back, Meredith grabs her purse off of the kitchen table and walks out of the apartment of her person, her broken person. Her broken person that she can't help put back together. She can't help put her back together because she is so broken. She is so broken and she is starting to forget how to function, how to breathe, how to live. She is so broken that she doesn't even realize that she is about to leave the one person who can fix her, who wants to fix her, who needs to fix her.
Meredith walks down to her car, noticing a slip of paper placed under her windshield wiper. She pulls it out and opens it, already knowing who it is from.
Mer,
We need to talk. Please.
Love, Forever and Always,
-Derek
Meredith suddenly finds her sight obstructed by the tears that have begun to build in her eyes. She can't. She can't hurt him anymore. He wants out of his misery. She doesn't want him to be miserable. She can't.
Poison. That is what she is. She is poison. She can't. She needs him to be happy. She loves him and he can't be miserable, not because of her. She gets in her car and drives to her house, which she knows is empty. Everyone is at work. She should be at work, but she can't. She looks at her cellphone--10 MISSED CALLS. She doesn't care. She can't. She pulls out a suitcase and begins packing. Not thinking about what she is packing, but just throwing clothes into the bag. She doesn't care. She can't care. She places the suitcase by the door before sitting down at her desk with a pen and two sheets of paper. She writes her letters, leaving one on the kitchen table and dropping the other off at the trailer. She can't face them. She can't say goodbye. She can't.
By the time she reaches the airport she has missed another five calls. The phone begins to vibrate in her hand as she looks down--DEREK. She can't. She just can't. She turns off her phone as she walks into the airport to board her flight. Several people cast glances at her as she walks through the terminal, still wearing her bridesmaid dress. She doesn't pay attention. She doesn't care. She can't think about it. She can't worry about the looks. She can't.
Once she is seated on the plane she pulls out her laptop. She needs to send an email to the Chief, letting him know.
Dr. Webber,
I'm sorry. I just can't do it anymore. It is all too much. I am already on the plane, so there is no way of stopping me. I just can't. I'm sorry. I understand if you don't approve my request for a transfer and I am sorry for any inconvenience my absence may cause. Thank you, for everything. Thank you for loving my mother, everyone should find that once in their life and I am just grateful that she found it in you. I will contact you when I arrive at my destination. Once again, thank you. I know I said you weren't my father, but you were the closest thing to one that I have ever had.
-Meredith
Meredith closes her laptop and leans back in the seat as the airplane takes off. She places the earbuds of her ipod in her ears as the captain announces their destination. She sighs, already feeling a loneliness setting in.
(Scene switches to SGH)
The other interns look around the locker room, noting the absence of both Meredith and Cristina. They expected Cristina to be absent, she had the week off, but Meredith. Izzie tries to call her phone, but no one answers. She looks up as Bailey enters.
Bailey: Okay, suck ups, we are two down with Cristina off and George being gone and you are now officially residents...wait...where the hell is Grey?!
Izzie looks around nervously.
Izzie: Umm...
Bailey: Spit it out, Stevens.
Izzie: I don't know. She isn't answering her phone. I don't know where she is.
Bailey: Oh, there will be hell to pay. Stevens, Shepherd needs an interns. Karev, go be with Sloan. Now go!
Bailey stands in the locker room for a moment, feeling somewhat inadequate after being passed over for Chief Resident. When she finally exits the locker room, she is met by a very tired, worn down Dr. Shepherd.
Derek: Bailey, I was wondering if you have seen Dr. Grey?
Bailey raises an eyebrow at Derek.
Bailey: No, I haven't. She hasn't shown up this morning, however, if you do see her you better let her know that she is in serious trouble.
Derek suddenly begins to feel frantic. It is not like Meredith to not show up. He opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by the booming voice of the Chief.
Chief: Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Bailey, I need to see you both in my office this instant.
Derek looks questioningly at Bailey.
Bailey: Don't look at me like that. I have no idea what the hell is going on.
Derek just shrugs and follows Bailey up to the Chief's office. They both take seats across the Chief's desk.
Chief: I want to know what the hell this is about.
As he is speaking the Chief pushes two copies of the email across the desk. Derek and Bailey both pick up a copy and begin to read. Derek instantly pales. He feels his world stop as his breath hitches in his throat. He can't believe that she is gone. He doesn't understand. Why would she do this? Why would she just leave everyone? Why would she just leave him?
Bailey: Damn fools.
Derek looks at Bailey. She has a deep scowl on her face as she turns to face Derek. Her face surprisingly softens a bit as she looks at the man who is crumbling before her eyes. She sighs and stands up.
Bailey: I'll leave you two alone.
The Chief just nods and Bailey exits. Derek immediately places his head in his hands.
Chief: So, I take it you had no idea...
Derek looks up at the Chief and the Chief is surprised to see tears running down Derek's cheeks. When Derek speaks, his voice is cracked, much like his heart.
Derek: No..I...no...no idea...I just...oh God...I...
The Chief stands up and walks around his desk. He places a hand on Derek's shoulder, attempting to comfort him. He exhales loudly as he feels the shoulders beneath his grip begin to shake violently as his Head of Neurosurgery feels his heart being shattered into a million pieces.
Chief: Take the rest of the day and tomorrow if you need.
Derek just nods and numbly stands up. He runs a hand through his hair.
Derek: Will you..
Chief: I will let you know the instant I hear from her again.
Derek nods. He places his hand on the doorknob but turns to the Chief before leaving.
Derek: Are you going to approve her transfer?
The Chief sits down and runs his hand over his face.
Chief: If I don't it will ruin her career.
Derek just nods and exits the office. He ignores the glances from everyone as he walks down the stairs. He ignores Izzie as she walks up to him, stating that she is his intern for the day. He doesn't even both to change or to go grab his things from his office. He just walks out of the hospital. The hospital that no longer holds the love of his life. The hospital that at this moment, at this moment seems to be suffocating him as the walls close in around him. He jumps in his car and drives to Meredith's house.
He walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. Nothing. He stands there for at least thirty minutes, ringing the doorbell every two minutes at least. Nothing. He feels the panic begin to set in. She can't be gone. She can't. She can't leave him. He can't be without her. He can't breathe without her. He needs her. He hangs his head in dejection as he walks back to his car. He drives to his trailer and walks in. He throws his keys on the table when something catches his attention. It is a single sheet of paper and even at this distance he immediately recognizes the handwriting. He feels his stomach twist into a knot as he slowly picks up the sheet of paper and begins to read.
Derek,
By now you have probably figured out that I am gone. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I love you. I do. And that is why I am leaving. I don't want you to be miserable. I can't do that to you. I love you too much. I'm sorry for making you miserable. All that I have ever wanted was to make you happy. I need to do this. I need to go away. I am like poison and I infect all of the happy people around me. I can't do it anymore. Burke and Cristina, they gave me hope for myself. Now, I really have none. You made me believe, Derek. You made me believe that I could have the fairytale and what did I do in return? I made you miserable. I'm sorry. I was watching the sunrise this morning and suddenly I understood why Mick Jagger wanted to paint all of the colorful items around him black. It's not something I want to do, but it happens...you were...you are my penguin...and now I probably sound like a rambling idiot. I'm not good at farewells. I'm not sure if I will come back or when. I just want you to be happy, Derek. You deserve to be happy, because you are the first person to ever give me my happiness. I love you and just so you know, you are it for me too. I am only leaving because I love you so much. I love you so much that I can't make you miserable anymore. I will stop rambling now. I am missing you already.
Love, Forever and Always,
-Meredith
Derek angrily wipes away the tears that are now falling from his eyes. It is his fault. It is his fault that she is gone. She loves him and she is gone and it is all his fault. He can't. He can't breathe without her. He just can't.
So...I know that I have another story on here...but this is my more recent story...there isn't as much of this one written as Alone. In fact, Alone will be completely finished being written in a few short weeks. This is my favorite fic that I'm writing right now. I have two others that are not yet posted here...and if enough people as I will post them here as well. I love comments and the updates will probably be every other day or so until I get everything posted that I have already written. Enjoy and let me know what you all think.