Disclaimer: It should go without saying, but the original characters are not mine.
A/N: Although I am currently writing something for Twilight, Dramione will always be my OTP. Hope I haven't let any of you down, enjoy. (Reviews are more than welcome)
"If you want to leave, I understand." His voice is reassuring, but there is a deeper cut of bitterness, a promise that she'll have let him down if she leaves.
And Hermione has thought of leaving many times. It hasn't been easy, sticking with him on this. Draco Malfoy is a hard personality to swallow. Particularly when he wants something he might not get.
"It's for the best." She whispers instead of arguing, because once it's all over, they'll be arguing again all the time. What's the point in wasting these last peaceful moments?
"Hermione Granger?"
A nurse with a tight white uniform comes out of the door and looks around the room. Hermione looks over at Draco desperately. With a wild look in her eyes, she grabs onto his shirt and pulls him to her. They kiss and the room is empty. No one to see them and make note of it: Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy are in love. He shoves her off and looks down. They've been through this before they came. He assured her everything would be ok a thousand times.
Her legs creak a bit when she finally stands, but she follows the nurse-Helga, she says her name is- down the hallway and into a room with tiny little stars on the walls.
She sits on the chair closest to the window, but there isn't really a view. That's fine to her, though. Views are distracting, ultimately. She has no need thinking of anything but the next couple hours. She picks up a magazine and starts to read while she waits. The pages feel oddly shiny and the images are flat under her gaze. Non-moving people in simple rectangle frames. A doctor walks in as she's contemplating how one would go about making a sweater for penguins.
"Hello, Hermione Granger." He smiles wide and she wants to stand and kick all the chairs to the ground.
He's about to rob her of her life, her love, her dreams, and he's smiling. How can that be? It hardly seems professional.
Also, the music in the room is distracting. It's soft and classical, but she doesn't want it playing because when all of this is over, when she's lost everything, she doesn't want to associate Bach and Mozart with the operation.
Instead of vocalizing all of this, she smiles back and looks directly at him. She's been told this gaze of hers, the steady, unblinking focus can be un-nerving. Draco told her once that it reminds him of a fox getting ready to kill.
"Foxy, stop staring." He'd say and then cup her cheeks in his hands and kiss her. He called her that from then onwards. No one else understands it.
"Well, I'm assuming you've been told all about the procedure, correct? How it'll work and all of the possible side effects?" The doctor continues.
She's surprised that she hasn't tuned him out at this point. She disliked him the minute he stepped in the door. Before then, even. Is it possible to hate someone before you've even met him or her? Can you hate the idea of someone?
"Nausea for a couple days, loss of ability to sleep temporarily and potential brain damage." She repeated and smiled. Draco had made her read the pamphlet dozens of times. He had wanted her to be ready.
"Right, good." He smiled again and she noticed he actually had nice teeth.
She coughed a little and looked down in her lap. She fidgeted a bit and waiting for the silence to end.
"Ok, Hermione. You're almost ready for the anesthesia. So why don't you just tell me some final details to make sure we're going about this the right way?"
She looked up at him, slightly confused. What else was there to tell, really? Had the previous three-hour discussion session not been enough?
"Alright." Was her response. Better to keep her malicious thoughts to herself. It would be over soon.
The doctor flipped through the clipboard a bit and then arranged the papers back in order.
"Just for clarification, and this isn't meant to cause any distress, but can you please tell me why you're here?"
"To get rid of it." She swallowed. "All of it."
"Yes." He nodded and checked something on the paper. "That's why they come to me. Well, then can you maybe repeat for me where this all started?"
"I don't know." She fidgeted some more. The seat was really uncomfortable.
"It's just to make sure I have the right information down. This is really crucial to the whole process. Ok?"
"Ok."
ooo
She couldn't believe that he was here. How dare he come here, he didn't belong. He knew that he didn't belong.
Hermione clutched her quill so hard that the point dug into her palm. She demanded of herself to not look up at him or to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he still irritated her beyond belief.
"Annoyed, Granger?" Don't you dare respond. Don't you fucking look up at him. "I gather you aren't pleased to see me then. Shame. I so look foreword to seeing your bushy hair after a nice cup of coffee and some eggs."
"Shut up!" her voice is almost shrill but she swallows and keeps her head down.
She can practically hear the grin in his voice. She can see him without looking, too. His hair is probably slicked back, but not with that stupid greasy oil he used in Hogwarts. She has no idea how he gets it above his head and back, but it looks much more natural now. His long fingers, clean nails and buffed cuticles, are going through the papers she's laid out at each seat. She can hear it. He's not even looking at the words, he's just glancing and he makes her so mad.
"Something wrong?" he asks and she realizes that-damnit!-she's looked up and is now scowling at him.
"Do you even care about this Draco? Why the hell are you here?"
"Well." He puts the papers down and folds his hands together. He looks very serious at her in an almost mocking way. Is that possible? Can you seriously mock someone? "Harry himself invited me yesterday morning to come to the meeting, if I wished. And I do so wish."
"I do so wish that you'd leave." She mumbles, but when she looks up at him again he is smiling in a way that makes her think he heard.
"Don't be that way, Granger. Don't you want to be friends?"
She was amazed she hadn't burnt a hole in his forehead she was staring so intently at it. It was rather large, wasn't it? For a forehead at least.
"I would never-how repulsive, to even suggest that." She sputtered and felt blood pool to her face, even though she is trying to take deep breaths and keep her blood calm.
Believe it or not, it has taken a long time for Hermione to be this civil with Draco. Three months, to be exact. The first Order of the Phoenix meeting that he had attended, he had sat near Harry while Ron and Hermione glowered at him. Ron had even occasionally leaped across the table in an attempt to wrap his hands around Draco's neck. So yes, this is a step foreword. And really, she reminds herself, it's a good thing that they have Draco
Her blood simmers down and she feels her heart relax a little bit.
Calmly, she is able to raise her head and look directly at Draco now. Others are coming in at this point, taking their seats and looking through the papers she's lain out. Always, however, one seat remains empty. The seat on the right hand of Draco, at the head of the table, for Harry Potter. He always walks in last, sits down, nods at Draco and then starts. Today is no exception.
"Welcome, Order." He says clearly. She is reminded again of how impressed she is that he has grown into a fine human being, a leader of the war.
Everyone mumbles his or her own welcome but Draco is still staring at Hermione. When she catches him, he looks away. He doesn't look at her for the remaining of the meeting.
"Every time I sit in this seat I am reminded of how lucky I am to have all of you." Harry continues. She notices how tired he looks today. "We are the survivors, and how lucky we are to be alive."
He is quiet then and a long silence settles over the room. No one knows what to say. Then Draco stands.
"Today, we move into the separate shelters that have been set aside for all of us. Four of us will live in each house between the missions that will be assigned us at this meeting."
Hermione sucks in a breath. Harry hadn't mentioned this to her before the meeting and she takes that moment to look over at him. He is looking down sadly and she knows why this is happening.
The missions were not supposed to be started until months from now. The only reason that she could think of which would result in them starting early is that Harry is not doing well. They are losing.
"I will be dividing you now, and then Ron will explain to you further what your mission entails." Harry looks around at all of them and tries to pull up a smile. "This may be the last time any of us see each other. We knew this day would come sooner or later, and I'm sorry it has to be so soon."
She is numb as she sits, waiting for her name to be called. It's at the very end that she hears it,.
"I will be in a Section 6 with Ron, Draco and Hermione."
Her head whips over to Draco who is finally looking at her again and smiling. She thinks she'll be sick. Why would Harry put them in a group together?
"That's it for today. Please see Ron for details."
Hermione stands on shaky feet. This has to be a dream. Out of the corner of her eye she sees Draco leaving and she hurries out after him, her heels clicking on the wooden floors.
"Malfoy!" she hisses through closed teeth. "Wait."
He turns around a sharp corner and into a room. As he is shutting the door she pushes it open with her hand. The door catches him on his nose and he yelps.
"Christ, Granger! Watch it!"
"Sorry." She says in a passing manner. She walks in and shuts the door.
Draco is holding his nose, which is trickling out blood in a small but steady stream. Groaning she waves her wand in front of his face, muttering an incantation to dry the flowing blood.
"Recindo."
The blood stops and now his vision is clear enough to glare.
"Why are you in my room, Granger? Not that I don't dream of having you here every night as I fall asleep."
She resists the urge to spit in his face or maybe punch his nose and get it bleeding again. Stay calm, she reminds herself.
"Malfoy, do you think it's possible for you to stop insulting me long enough so that I can get my thoughts out?"
He rolled his eyes and sat down on the edge of his bed. Motioning to the seat in the corner, he spoke as she sat.
"Go ahead. And hurry up with it, I have to pack. We leave in four hours so you'd do well to get on it yourself."
"Why are you in our group? Harry has been placing you with Seamus and Neville the last couple missions. Now they're with Lavender and Ginny. It doesn't make sense why Harry wouldn't want her here instead."
"Granger, do you even know what our mission is?"
She is quiet. She doesn't know and she doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging this.
"Well I'll find out soon enough."
"Until then, just leave."
She stands and walks to the door. As she turns back to make a jab, he is very close to her face. She didn't hear him get up from the bed, much less move over behind her with alarming speed.
"And don't under-estimate me." He seethes. "I know that it's something you enjoy doing frequently, but this time it would be wise for you to remember that we'll be together for a year, in a small house, in Scotland. You need me to live, as much as I need you."
She slammed the door in his face on her way out.
ooo
It has been two months. The house is crowded and although they have separate rooms, the walls are thin. She can hear everything that anyone says, regardless of if they are in a different room for privacy. At the moment, Harry and Ron are gone, they have been gone for two weeks now. They are searching for one of the new horcruxes and she is beginning to get worried.
Worrying is all that she seems to be good for. She hates this. She hates the staying at home while they are gone. She hates being alone with Draco for days on end, his sniping comments accompanying her from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to bed. She hates that she's promised Harry she'll try to get along with him. She hates that he doesn't want her with him on the outings.
What makes her most mad is that she was the one who discovered the new horcrux. She had pieced together the clues and guessed at not only the object of Voldemort's soul, but the location as well. Her thanks? A quick thank you and a goodbye. And now they've been gone for two weeks with no word of being ok or successful.
"Stop worrying, Granger. You'll give yourself a migraine."
She's too tired to fight him. Sadly, she puts her head on her arm and closes her eyes. She is in the kitchen and Draco is eating across from her.
He doesn't say anything for a good five minutes and then he gets up and she can feel him tentatively put his hand on her shoulder.
"Hermione, err, everything…will be ok." He pats her gently and then she feels him walk away.
"Malfoy?"
She gets up and looks around. She doesn't see him so she guesses he is in his room.
Alone in the kitchen, she tries to put together the facts.
It is September and the war has been going on for three years already. In a regular life, she would have been graduated from Hogwarts for two years now, with a job and maybe a steady boyfriend. Instead, she left Hogwarts in the summer before her seventh year, to go with Harry and Ron to look for horcruxs.
A year went by and though initially they struggled with jealousy and bitterness, they managed to find eight horcruxes and destroy them all. It wasn't until the battle of Hogwarts that they figured it out.
The horcruxes were not for Voldemort. They were for Snape. Cleverly, Voldemort had assumed that someone would guess how he managed to live even after his body was gone. He put together seven horcruxes that he thought someone would piece together as his, and demanded that Snape use his soul inside of them. Snape, who they found out when Voldemort murdered him for the Elder wand, was doing everything to protect Harry. His final words, his memories, included the information that the horcruxes were fake. They still had such a long journey to go.
Since then, the Order has found two out of what they assume to be five horcruxes. Voldemort caught on early in the destruction that he had been found out. He took his horcruxes and hid them across Europe, heavily guarding them with death eaters and wealthy wizard families.
Draco walked into the Order the second year of the war. He admitted that he didn't agree with anything that Voldemort was trying to go through with and hoped that Dumbledore's offer of protection was still in tact. Harry couldn't resist and Draco proved to be of some use to them after all. He knew all Death Eater families and their where a bouts.
Now they are here, in Scotland, perusing what they hope to be the last of Voldemort's horcruxes.
"Did you call my name?"
She lifts her head again and sees Draco standing before her. She is tired all of a sudden and stands to go in her room.
"Yes. Thank you." She offers. He nods and she goes to sleep.
ooo
"We're almost out of food."
"Yes." She agrees, cracking an egg over the pan on the stove. "I know."
"You are using the last of the eggs when we might not get more for months."
"That's exactly what I'm doing, good observation skills."
Draco slams his hand down on the counter and she jumps a little. She smacks his hand with her spatula.
"What do you want me to do about it, Draco? I haven't eaten in two days now. The eggs are almost spoiled anyway, they expire in three days."
"Could you at least share."
"No."
He grabs the spatula from her hand and throws it on the floor. Her mouth falls open. Why is he so rude all of a sudden? Normally he's rude, but this is almost childish.
"Clean that for me." She gestures to it, lying on the floor like a broken bird. "Quickly."
He walks away.
She turns off the stove and follows him out of the kitchen.
"Draco, what the fuck?"
He freezes and turns around. He's very close to her. She can feel his hot breath on her cheek.
"I am so sick of your selfishness." He growls. She wants to take a step back but he has grabbed hold of her arm, fingers wrapped around them tightly.
"Ouch, Draco. You're hurting me."
"Good, then maybe you'll listen to me for once. And since when have you called me Draco?"
"I don't…" she can't think. When did she start? Does it matter?
""Shut up." He orders. Her heart starts to hammer quickly in her chest. What is going on?
Harry and Ron have been gone for three and a half weeks now. She is very worried and for the first time she sees that he might be worried as well.
"Draco, please. Let me go. I'm sorry, ok? You can have some of the eggs."
"It isn't about the eggs, Granger. It's about you."
"Excuse me?" she is a little shocked. She's done nothing to him, she's kept to herself actually.
"You heard me. Now listen." he grabs hold of her other arm.
She can barely feel her right one, his fingers are so tight around it. She just wants to go her room and lock the door. She wants her parents or Harry and Ron…anyone but Draco. Anyone.
"Oh..ok." she whispers. She doesn't drop her gaze from his.
"Why do you think I'm here, Granger? Tel me your opinions, and I know that you must have some."
"To…to help us find the-"
"Wrong." He interrupts and grips her even tighter. "Guess again."
"For…revenge?"
"For you."
She can't breathe her arms hurt so badly. And now her hearing is affected because she thinks that she heard him say that he is here for her, Hermione Granger.
"W-what?"
"You don't think that I'd rather be out there with Harry or Ron, God don't you think I'd rather be hunting down those damn horcruxes and destroy them? Don't you think I want this war to be over so I can have some damn peace of mind? Why on earth would I want to be here, in this damn cottage, with you, doing absolutely nothing for days on end."
"I don't know." She is cowering. "I'm sorry."
"You should be sorry. You ungrateful little-"
"But why, then? If you hate me so much why are you here?"
"Hate you?" he releases her and she feels all of the blood go back into her arms. She is tingling and in so much pain. Bruises will cover her skin by tomorrow.
"Yes. You clearly hate me."
"I don't hate you. I want to protect you."
"Why would you-"
He crushes her, his hand in her hair, the other one lifting her up and slamming her against the wall. His lips are covering hers, deeply bruising them and engulfing her entirely. She doesn't have time to think, her legs wrap around his waist and she kisses him back.
He pulls the back of her hair down, moving her head up and closer to his, knocking them together a little bit. He kisses her again, biting her lower lip as he pulls away. He drops her on her feet again, stepping back and wiping his lips.
"The eggs will be ruined by now…" she whispers.
"Fuck the fucking eggs." He says and goes into his room, slamming the door and leaving her shivering on the floor.
ooo
Harry and Ron return back after a month of being gone. They have now lived here for four months and as far as she knows, the expedition of theirs was a failure.
"Hermione!" she heard Harry yell urgently. She barely recognized his voice it had been so long.
Her feet couldn't move fast enough and she almost fell while running to the front where they had entered. Ron was slumped against Harry, blood running down his head and onto his chest. Harry was soaked with blood, but she didn't know if it was his or Ron's.
"Are you-"
"I'm fine!" he snapped and helped Ron onto the couch in the living room. "Hermione, please, I can't stop the blood."
Her fingers were trembling as she tipped a bit of potion onto his wound and it sealed. He screamed in pain as it worked its way into his bloodstream, removing traces of whatever curse he had narrowly escaped.
"Shhh." She whispered and held his hand tightly in hers. "You're going to be ok now."
Ron's eyes drooped until they fell shut. She released his hand and pulled a blanket over his form, tucking a pillow under his head carefully.
"What happened?" she asked, her eyes swimming with tears.
"Hermione, we were so close. We almost had the horcrux in our hands, when Lucious showed up."
"My father was there?"
Hermione and Harry whipped their heads to the voice and saw Draco, fists clenched in anger at his sides. They hadn't spoken since the kiss; she hoped she wasn't blushing.
"Yes." Harry said. "But he wasn't the one who hurt Ron. He fled as soon as he saw me. Bit cowardly if you ask me, not owning up to a fight."
Draco winced noticeably. No matter what side he was on, family pride would always be there. It couldn't be easy to listen to Harry describe the attacks, but he did.
Hermione shut her eyes as Harry told them both about how Luscious had grabbed onto the horcrux and vanished, while Death Eaters fired curses from all directions. One had hit Ron as he was deflecting another from Harry, and they had left, praying they weren't being followed.
Draco nodded when he was finished.
"What took you so long?" he asked.
"The horcrux wasn't where Hermione originally thought. It was in the garden near it, the one with the secret gate. It took us awhile to find the gate."
"Ok." He responded.
Neither of them had any more questions.
ooo
"How bad has it been, Hermione? Tell me the truth."
"Mmm?" she was on the couch with Ron, eating a bowl of thin chicken soup. Her hunger seemed to be a constant unchanging thing and now there were two more people to feed.
"Living with Malfoy by yourself."
"Oh." She blushed and cursed herself for it. "It wasn't so bad."
A spoon cluttered as Ron dropped it in his empty bow. She looked up at him sheepishly and he was scowling.
"What, are you two-"
"No!" she cried, a bit too petulantly.
"Good." He nodded and settled back into his pillow for a moment.
She picked up his bowl, tucking it into hers and stood to leave for the kitchen. When she came back, he was sitting up.
"Ron, you need to lay down. You're head shouldn't have too much pressure, ok?"
She sat down next to him and he scooted closer to her.
"Hermione, I missed you." He whispered. She smiled sadly.
"You too, Ron." And then he was cupping her cheeks in his scratched up hands, kissing her softly and pulling her onto his lap. "Ron…" she pulled back and got up. "You're just sick, ok? Don't do this. You're confused."
Her face was hot, too hot to not explode, and her heart hurt a little bit. Hadn't she wanted that since she was a little girl? Ron's face was sad and confused but he lay back down on his pillow. He was asleep in minutes and she went into the kitchen again.
She walked over to the freezer and opened the door. She stuck her head inside and screamed as quietly as possible into the ice.
"Finally taking actions for that hot head of yours, Granger?"
She pulled out quickly, almost hitting the top of the freezer. Slamming the door shut, she glared.
"So now we're talking?" he shrugged and leaned against the counter.
Her eyes drifted to his hands, which were balancing easily and holding up his tight chest, barely canceled by a thin gray sweater. Her throat hurt with longing all of a sudden and she shook her head. Don't you go there.
"Never said we weren't."
"I was the only one in the house. It's not like you were preoccupied either. You were ignoring me."
"So, you and Weasley, huh?"
"What?" she shook her head again, trying to clear it out. Had he seen? "No, stop changing the subject."
"I'm making conversation, friend. And I'm curious as to if you and Weasley are together now."
"No." she said firmly. "War is not a time for relationships."
He winked at her and walked over to where she was standing.
"Excuse me, Granger." He said and pushed her away from the fridge. He opened it and took out an apple. He got very close to her ear and paused for a moment. "Who said I want a relationship?" he whispered, bit her ear gently and tugged on it before leaving the room entirely.
ooo
No man should use the bathroom longer than fifteen minutes, thought Hermione Granger. Further more, house rules said that no person should use it longer than twenty. But Draco Malfoy had been in the shower for thirty five minutes, and even though she knew that at this point the hot water would be gone until the morning, Hermione wanted a turn already.
"Draco!" she pounded on the door, trying to be heard over the extremely heavy water pressure. "Open this door!"
But he remained inside for another five minutes. Finally exhausted, she gave a feeble attempt to be heard one last time.
"Draco, seriously, when Harry and Ron get back I'm going to-"
The door swung open and Draco stood before her, completely naked except for a towel around his waist. The water was still running.
"Yes?" he scowled.
"Are you even using the shower?" she felt angry that he should instigate her like this.
He had been starting little fights ever since Harry and Ron left again. They had stayed and recovered for a week and then left. It had been a week before he started picking at her once more. It started with little things, like waking her up for breakfast but not sharing any and then escalating into things like this-using the hot water up to annoy her.
"Of course not. I just want it to be the right temperature. I don't really like hot showers, I prefer them cold."
Her mouth gaped and she struggled to not look like a fish. Opening and closing her lips repeatedly she knew she was failing.
"But…but you little twat, all you have to do is turn the cold water on, not waste the hot water!"
"Oh is that what the blue dial means? Silly me, I thought it meant extra blue water or something and that just wouldn't do wonders for my hair."
She was fuming. She didn't know if she could take this much longer, it was almost too much to bear.
"Why are you doing this? Why."
"Doing what?" he tried to look innocent but a grin escaped his mouth, sliding onto his face. She started beating him with her hands, hoping he'd be as bruised as she often was after their encounters. "Alright, alright. I'm sorry."
He dropped his towel and her eyes almost exploded out of her head.
"What are you-"
"Join me?"
"I would never join you, that defeats the purpose of showering altogether!"
"Well, I was just kidding about the hot water thing, Granger. Really I've just been sitting in here with the cold water running, waiting for you to-"
She kicked him in the shin and started to walk away. She would have succeeded if she hadn't slipped a little on the excess water that was running out from under the door. Steady hands caught her and she found herself looking up at a familiar smirk, one that she never liked and never would.
"Seriously. Join me." He helped her up right and pressed very close to her. Slowly, as if she might run away, he leaned in close until their lips were almost touching. This time, she closed the distance.
ooo
She never thought too heavily on how she would lose her virginity. If she had to guess, she could bring up a time when she first thought about sex. She was a blushing virgin, sometimes painfully so, and the details that she imagined never really went above flower petals and the after-math. Sleeping together and whispering I love you repeatedly.
But, in fact, she loses it to Draco Malfoy, on a cool October night when the pale moonlight is washing around him and glinting off skin that is, if possible, even lighter. Harry and Ron have been gone much longer this time. It's been a month and she has done nothing but worry alone in her room. Sometimes, Draco will stop her in the hallway and pull her into his room. He'll tease her, biting and scratching until she's almost mad with desire. It's almost as if he knows she needs distracting and this is his method of choice.
Then she is in her room, pulling a t-shirt over her bare chest and getting ready to climb into bed. He opens the door and comes in stealthily, almost as quiet as a predator would. She gasps and then relaxes.
"Draco, you can't do that. I'm far too paranoid."
"I'm going to fuck you." He responds and starts to tug up on her shirt. She isn't wearing pants, only this long sleeved t-shirt and a pair of knickers. Nice ones, but just knickers.
"Stop it Draco, we can't. They might come back any second." She tugs it back down and turns away from him.
This is a mistake. Draco learned very quickly how easily he could turn her on from behind. He leans in behind her ear and swirls his tongue around her hot spot, breathing heavily and whispering things that makes her blush. She moans and instantly she knows she's lost. She'll do anything for him this time.
He moves them over to the bed and flips her over. Looking up at him she gets a full view of the agony and desire that he feels. It's almost like a mirror.
Soon he is pressing down his weight into her, relying on his own weight supported by his elbows as he cradles her head and sinks his teeth into her throat. He sucks and moves down, repeating until little bite marks make jewels on her skin. She knows this is supposed to be a special and sacred thing so she tries to commit every movement, feeling and emotion to her memory. And even though it's Draco, even though she knows it should be someone more precious to her, she doesn't mind. She likes his hardness and muscles, bone and anger in contrast to her softness and worry; she can feel his erection on her stomach, threatening to burst out.
Pulling her lips away from his, she casts her eyes up to the ceiling and grips first the sheets of her bed and then his forearms. His gaze snaps quickly to her as he becomes aware that she is, in fact, responding to him. It's a hard thing for her to lie there, dying of lust and overheating to her core. What is taking him so long? Surely Draco has been with other women. Surely he isn't as confused and unsure as she is?
She raises her hips to his and he yanks off her knickers, casting them aside. His fingers play with her folds, his thumb going over and over her clit until she's about to black out. Then he's pulling off his pants and boxers until they are both only in their shirts. It's too cold to remove them so he starts kissing her again. She pulls back again and wraps her legs around his hips. For a moment she thinks this is the wrong thing to do and she pulls him down with her feet, digging into his back and seeking reassurance. He moans and then he is inside of her.
He is quick at first and then stops. She is full to the brim and her eyes fill up. Not with sadness, but an odd combination of fullness and satisfaction. Then the pain hits her and she squeezes her eyes shut. She doesn't know if she should encourage him to keep going and be in agony, or if she should tell him to stop and die of embarrassment every time she sees him.
"Relax." He whispers, his lips by her ear.
He starts to move again, slowly in a circular motion and then pulling out almost completely. The pain completely subsides and gives way into crests of pleasure. She is moaning, no longer worried or self-conscious or anything at all but fine, fine, fine…
He is pleased with her reaction, and pulls himself almost completely out of her before slowly sinking back in again. It was one of the loveliest sensations she can ever recall and she doesn't know how she'll ever let him stop. She can't.
Somehow, they both moan together and this sound sends her almost over the edge. He speeds up, their hips making a strange snapping noise that is oddly sensual.
She realizes that she hasn't looked at his face in awhile so she glances up. His eyes are dilated, sweat slicking off his forehead.
"I'm...fuck!" he whispers, and she wonders why is he whispering?
He is coming, the room is echoing with the sound of his long and throaty moan. His face, twisted with pleasure sends her over the cliff and she is coming, barely able to stop screaming it feels so good.
He collapses into her chest and they both lay there for a couple minutes. His breathing regulates and he stands.
Unsure of if it is required for them to sleep together now, she opens her mouth. Nothing comes out. Draco grabs his clothes off the floor and leaves.
ooo
They've had sex fifteen times. At least, that's what the notches she carves in her bedside after he leaves tell her. She records this, not out of affection but from disbelief. They can't continue this, and she tells him that.
"This can't go on." She states.
"Stop over thinking it. I can see just by looking at you that you're over thinking it."
"I am not." She huffs and pulls her shirt back on. Sixteen times now.
"Listen, Granger. It is just sex all right? I don't want to date you or marry you, have your little babies or grow old together. I don't want our toothbrushes to be in the same cup near the sink and I really don't want to become a boring, domesticated pet of yours, like that stupid orange cat you had."
For some reason, though she had known this to be true, it stings a little. Her only reaction is to…over react.
"Well fuck you, I don't want your kids either."
He is a little taken aback, she can see that. It throws her off a bit but she concentrates on making as stern a face as she can.
"Hey." He whispers now, running his thumb along her cheekbone. "I didn't mean…I'm sure any guy would be lucky to have you."
Her throat hurts in a crying way but she doesn't want to cry, not over this, not in front of him.
"Just not you."
"Just not me." He mused quietly. "But how about I stay this time?"
She didn't know that this was what exactly what she wanted until he was tucking them both under the covers in her bed. But as he fell asleep, his breathing quick and shallow, she was oddly comforted. She wanted him there and she didn't know if she ever wouldn't.
ooo
When they are eating breakfast, Draco gives her a look that makes her think there is something on her face. Frantically, she scrubs all over her face, but nothing comes off.
"What are you doing?" he looks as confused as she feels.
"I thought…what are you smiling at?"
He smiles again and looks down into his bowl of porridge. For a moment she thinks he isn't going to tell her, but he looks back up again and grins.
"You're beautiful." He responds.
ooo
"So, this television thing. It's supposed to be entertaining?"
It amazed Hermione that she hasn't realized there is a TV sooner. Worrying does that to you. She found it in a coat closet, cords wrapped up carefully like a baby abandoned on a Church stoop. She has Draco help her move it onto the coffee table in the living room and then smiles brightly. TV doesn't end the war and it doesn't make it any better or easier to wait for Harry or Ron, but it will entertain them. It will take their mind off things.
She is trying to convince Draco of this as they sit apart from each other on the couch when he interrupts her.
"Do you ever wonder why you're here?" he asks. She is taken aback.
"Sometimes." She admits. "It doesn't feel like I do anything but wait for them to come back. I'm a bit useless, really."
"You're not useless." He soothes.
She is always surprised when he is nice to her. It comes out of nowhere and sharply contrasts the rest of his bitterness; a light from the middle of the dark.
"I think they want me here because I'm the best healer. They now if they need to come back, I'll be here to fix them up. It's awful."
"Awful?"
"I don't want to be the one to pick up the pieces. I don't want there to be pieces at all." She feels a choking in her throat and she tries to swallow. "I just want them to come home. I want this to be over."
And then she is crying. She hates herself for crying and a deep self-loathing overcomes her as tears stream down her face. How can she cry while her best friends are out there changing the world? It's pitiful. Hermione Granger is pathetic.
Draco scoots across the couch and takes her in his arms. Without giving it much thought she turns into him, her face pressed into his chest. It doesn't feel right, this intimacy that they haven't agreed to share with each other. But it feels nice. She feels a bit safer, a bit less useless and a little better.
"You do all that you can, you know. This is war. Everyone who is trying and who cares makes a difference."
ooo
Late at night it is hard for Hermione to fall asleep. She is always tired during the day, but at night a panic takes over her as she imagines Ron or Harry in the ground, bleeding to death. She wishes she tried harder to form a branch of communication between them, but it wouldn't be safe for any of them. Anything could lead Death Eaters or worse back to the shelter.
She thinks about the rest of the Order, out there in the world looking for horcruxes and trying to survive. She hopes that somebody has stayed behind to worry for him or her, to think about him or her and wish them all home safe.
As she is finally about to fall asleep, she hears a creak in the house and her eyes snap open Torn between rushing out into the hallway and not moving at all, she finally decides to wait.
The creaking is getting softer, moving in the general direction of the kitchen. Against her better judgment, she gets out and opens her door quietly. There is no sound of immanent threat, but she takes out her wand and holds it in front of her like a gun.
A soft glow is coming from the kitchen, just like she thought. Wand held at eyes height, she steps in the doorway.
"Draco!" she gasps and slips a little. She lowers her wand a little and sits down across from him.
"I'm sorry I woke you." He mumbles. "I tried to be as quiet as I could."
"No. I mean…I was up…worrying, as usual so…"
She coughs and they sit in silence. His face is racked with an emotion that she has never seen before on his face. It frightens her and she is too scared to ask what's wrong.
"Do you think they're all right?" he asks finally and her eyes widen.
"Since when do you care?" she scoffs. She regrets it immediately.
"I'm not completely heartless, Granger." He scowls.
She knows what the emotion is at that moment. It's a loss of hope. Her heart sinks like a stone. Draco Malfoy, callous and usually indifferent in nature, is just as lost and frustrated as she is. They've been gone a month and a half now…she knows he has reason to worry.
"They've been gone much longer this time." She muses.
He looks out the small window above the sink. It's so dark outside that the moon is a beam, a call for help, in this desolate night.
She doesn't think before she reaches across the table and wraps her hands over his. It's small compared to his, but his hand is so cold in comparison to hers. Her thumb moves over his thumb knuckle, a rocking motion one might use to put a baby to sleep.
"They'll come back." She reassures him "They always do."
ooo
And then they're apparating into the room, four days later, and her feet not moving fast enough to catch up to them. Blood is everywhere, why is there always blood, and she checks to see who is bleeding, who is hurt, who needs her.
She turns for a moment, just a second, and sees Draco completely frozen, his eyes small and sad. When she turns back, her heart stops.
The blood is coming from a hole, deeply imbedded in Ron's chest. She thinks of a human war, of bullets and bombs, fighting for a peace that will never exist. Her heart splits in half, she falls to her knees. Nothing she does will fix this. A force she is unfamiliar with has created the hole.
"Hermione!" Harry is desperate, using his own shirt to staunch the blood. "Can you please fucking do something!"
She shakes her head, tears pouring out of her eyes. Ron is barely conscious, his last moments full of pain and yet he is pushing away Harry and his shirt.
"Hermione." He whispers. He pulls at her hand and she is close beside him.
"Ron." She chokes. "Stay." She begs.
"It was always you." He says and his blood hands are gripping her arms, smearing life everywhere on her. "It was always you."
They were blindsided with this one. Completely taken by surprise. Her best friend, her childhood love, is gone within the hour. She falls asleep next to his corpse.
ooo
It is against the mission's policy to go back to London, even in cases of death. Instead, Ron's immediate family: Molly, Arthur, George, Ginny, Percy, Bill, Charlie and Fleur come to the cottage in secret, dressed in black and help them bury Ron on a hill in Scotland.
Ginny's red hair is a curtain in front of her face and Hermione doesn't see her cry at all. Hermione's shoulders shake and, in front of everyone, Draco puts his hand on one and steadies her.
"Please." She keeps crying, quietly into her hands.
If her grief is an animal inside of her, tearing apart her intestines and killing her, she doesn't know what Molly's is. Molly's lets out a wail as dirt is covering Ron's coffin, that sounds like a cross between being knifed in the gut and being scalped.
Hermione leaves immediately afterwards, going into her room and running her fingers across the notches in her bed. Eighteen times she fucked Draco Malfoy, and he were being murdered.
The Weasleys leave in the morning.
ooo
"They have Muggles under the imperious curse, guarding the horcrux." He whispers.
Harry is facing Hermione and Draco in the living room. Their backs are pressed against the couch. She remembers when Ron kissed her a few days ago…or maybe months ago…it doesn't make sense to her anymore. Time doesn't make sense anymore.
"Muggles are easy enough to kill." Draco states. "Avada Kedavra."
Harry shakes his head.
"They didn't do anything to deserve being killed." He says, firmly. "They don't even know what they're doing."
"So it's ok for them to kill Ron, but we can't kill them?" Hermione shrieks, her shrill comment floating in the air. Harry winces.
"Hermione, I know you're upset, but you above everyone should understand why I sympathize with them."
"No, I don't. I don't understand anything anymore!" she gets up, a bit too fast and hits her knee on the edge of the table. "Goddamnit!" she cries and holds her knee before letting go and kicking over her chair. "He was my best friend. He was your best friend for fucks sake!"
She hobbles out of the room and they hear the door slam to her room.
"So what do we do?" Draco asks.
"I don't really know." He looks down, ashamed. "I don't know."
ooo
There is no end to tears. That is the conclusion that Hermione draws from Ron's death. It has been three days since his funeral, but she can't stop crying.
One second he was alive and the next she was covered in his blood, pulling at his shirt and shaking him, as if life would re-enter his body through this process.
She doesn't hear Draco come in, sit on her bed or pull him to her. She is crying so hard that she thinks she might drown Draco, until he pushes her away and slaps her.
"Stop." He isn't smiling. Her cheek stings. "It's done now. He wouldn't want this."
"How dare you!"
"No. Don't disagree with me. Ron died doing what he needed to do and every second that you waste sitting here, crying over the past, is a moment that you dishonor his memory."
"And what would be a better way of honoring him, Draco?" she hisses. "Fucking you? Arguing with you?"
"I should slap you harder." He is mad and she is happy for that.
"Do it." She challenges. "I'll murder you."
He doesn't raise his hand but he stands and starts walking to the door. When his hand is on the doorknob, he turns and faces her.
"Did you love him?" he asks.
She almost throws up. Her stomach is reeling and she clenches her teeth so hard that they might crack. Yes, she realizes. I did love him. Not recently, but I did. Instead of saying this she just shakes her head.
"I do." He whispers. "I love you."
And now she will throw up. She races to the door and tries to push him away. His hand leaves the doorknob and grabs her shoulders, shoving her up against the door. The knob cracks into her spine and she stifles a yelp.
"Didn't you ask me all those months ago why I was here? Well there's your answer, you ungrateful bitch. It's because I love you. I've always loved you."
"Don't you lie to me, you-"
"I'm not lying."
Her spine is on fire but it's nothing compared to how hot her face must be right now. She thinks back on all of the memories she has of him, from that first train ride to Hogwarts until just last week. Everything they've ever done, every word they've ever shared, every movement of their bodies, has been a challenge to see who is better, smarter, braver. There was no love, this she is sure of.
"How." She demands.
His hand curls into her hair and his mouth grazes her cheekbone.
"Every time I saw you it got harder and harder to deny it. The hate I felt for what you are only amplified the love I felt for who you are."
She slips under his hold and falls onto her bed. She can't think and shakes her head, a silent no, no, no.
"Leave." She whispers.
"Hermione, you have to know." He is halfway out of her room. "I came here because I told Potter that I didn't want you waiting here on them alone. I wanted you protected. I told him years ago how I felt. If he believed me, you can to." He shut the door and it was silent.
ooo
They leave her alone for a few days and she appreciates it. The only time she gets out of bed is to go to the bathroom. Her stomach hates her for it, but she doesn't eat. Everything tastes like a dead body. Everything is the color of Ron's eyes, the tone of his skin, the shade of his smile. He has become her biggest regret. Life cannot go on.
And then it does.
She sits up in her bed, appreciating her progress from just lying there, unmoving. There is no light coming in from her window, but she can see a pink-ish hue on the horizon. It's sunset, and she has the most desperate urge to see it.
Wrapping a blanket around her stiff body, she stumbles out of her room and onto the back porch. It is freezing outside, late December. Have they missed Christmas? She can't keep track anymore but knows they've been here for a long time now.
She grips the porch rail and steers her gaze to the sun that's quickly disappearing into the ground. It's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. Harry joins her at some point, but she hardly sees him. There, in it's final moments, beautiful red dances across the sky in a fiery blaze. It's the color of his hair, she realizes, and a glow starts to form in her chest.
"Draco told me he loved me." She says to Harry.
"So now you know, huh?"
"Now I know."
ooo
A few nights later, Harry and Draco are watching television. A bowl of popcorn sits between them and it makes her smile. It's almost like they're on a date.
She walks over and curls into the corner of the couch. A movie about people being chased by a demon is on. Typical boy movie, if you asked her, which they didn't.
She winces as the poltergeist grabs a hold of the girl's foot and pulls her by it, her head cracking into the wall.
A hand envelopes her own. She knows its Draco's from the cool texture of the palm. It's almost like sticking your hand in a pile of fresh snow. She squeezes it, smiling. Last night they had sex, (nineteen times) and she hoped that it was back to normal between them. Love was silly, especially during war.
The movie ended and Harry stood stretching.
"Goodnight, assholes." He said and padded into his room.
She moved over and laid her head on his shoulder. He opened his arm and she fell onto his chest, gratefully.
"Feeling better?"
"Sort of." She admitted, but felt a pang in her chest as she said it. Her hand moved to her chest, as if she could grip the ache.
"He really loved you." Draco soothed and she knew that it was hard for him to admit.
"But do you?" it came out without her expecting it, a word vomit of sorts.
"Yes." He answered, but it sounded surprised and wavering, almost a question.
She closed her eyes and tried to let her mind run clear of thoughts. She focused on emotions, on memories and sensations.
She remembered the first time she ever really saw him. It was their sixth year and he had just been caught for crashing Slughorn's party. A blush crept across his face as he was held in front of all of them, curses and harsh words flung at him from all guests.
But he was handsome, his shirt untucked and unbuttoned, his pants framing his slender frame. A fire swept across her body when he looked at her. At first she thought he had smiled, but then it turned into a glare filled with hatred. She passed poor judgment off as drinking too much Butterbeer and didn't give it much thought after that.
So, she hadn't felt anything for him as long as he had claimed to feel something for her. And if they hadn't started having sex, they most likely would have just kept having meaningless arguments until there was no contact between them.
However, there was no denying that she felt something for him, too. It was hard for her to admit, having forced herself to hate him for so long. And yet, there you had it.
"I love you too." It flew out before she could think about it more.
That's how you knew you meant it though, right? Love was something you didn't think about. It came over you like a plague and spread just as quickly.
Their lips found each other's in the dark room, opening and closing against one another like swinging doors. His tongue slipped into her mouth, gently feeling the top and back of her teeth before retreating. An hour later, as they fell into his room, she reminded herself to mark another notch the next day. Twenty times.
ooo
It was a silly time to fall in love. That much she would admit to herself. Everything else was a blur. She welcomed the love that Draco passed along to her, hoping beyond hope that she can try and convince him that she's worthy of it.
The downside of life is that the three of them have no idea how to move foreword and little to no contact with the other groups.
"It's just a little moral dilemma." Draco drawls slowly.
"No. Harry is right. We can't just kill innocent people. That's Voldemort, not us."
He fist comes down on the table a little too hard and shakes their cups of coffee. A little comes over the top of Hermione's and hits her hand. She stares at the contrast of the brown liquid on her currently pale skin until she hears Harry address her.
"Hermione, can you give us some privacy for a minute?"
She's shocked. She has never been excluded from plans before, even though she is rarely included in them. A bit too violently, she storms out with a terse "Fine."
Let them have their privacy, she fumes even though she knows it's nothing person.
Or is it?
ooo
No one will speak to her. It's been a week and even Draco only touches her lightly and informally. Harry looks away when she glances at him. She is desperate for answers but neither will budge.
"I've had enough!" she finally yells over breakfast two weeks later.
She glares at both of them with equal heat. What could be so bad that both of them refuse to share? Weren't they all in this together?
Draco looks over at Harry, who looks crestfallen. One of them will cave, even if she has to force them to.
"Hermione." Harry says. "This isn't easy."
Her heart starts racing and she is tempted to grab at her chest again, to hold the pain she knows is coming though she has no idea why.
"Try me."
Harry looks at Draco and he, in turn, looks at Hermione.
"We've found a way to get the horcrux." Draco finally states. "And it involves a sort of…Trojan Horse, so to speak."
"What?" she hisses. "I don't…understand."
He pushes his hands through his hair before standing.
"I can't do this. I can't tell her." He gets up and walks into his room. She hears the lock click and then glares at Harry.
"Now." She demands. "Tell me now."
"Draco is almost as wanted as I am." He begins. "At first, it was my intention to give myself up to the guards, and while they were distracted, Draco could go and snatch it before leaving. But…Draco has other ideas."
Her heart stops.
"Fuck you." She whispers. "You're fucking joking."
"He knows he doesn't have much hope of a successful life after the war, Hermione. His name would be clear, but the prejudice would remain. It would never be ok for him. He wouldn't be a hero…"
"And that makes it ok?" she snaps.
"I wanted to go. He insisted. You have to understand."
"Never." She whispers and gets up.
She runs to Draco's room and starts pounding on the door.
"Open up you coward!" She screams. She yells profanities until her throat hurts. Finally, Draco opens the door.
"Hermione, I'm sorry." He says.
"I hate you!" she screams. "How can you leave me?" she starts hitting him, in the face, chest, arm, and leg. Nothing can hurt him as badly as he's hurt her.
"I love you." He counters. "I'm doing this for you."
She crumples in a ball on the floor. The tears have returned. Draco scoops her up and holds her in his arms. He takes her into his room and she cries until they both fall asleep.
ooo
The planning begins the next day and she wants no part of it. They sit, conversing over how Draco will die, and Hermione sits on the porch, half listening and half dying herself. It seems that she has only just gotten him, she has only just started loving him and now he's leaving.
How is it fair? How is love anything like the movies have falsely told her?
Draco joins her on the fifth day. The plans are finished and they have a week left together. She is torn between spending every second together and separating herself from him early on.
"Hermione." He says and she looks at him. His beautiful face, his apologetic gaze, makes her die inside.
"Please don't do this."
"Listen to me." He begs. She is silent. "I know this seems unfair. Imagine how I feel. I love you so much, but this is what we came here to do."
"You came here to protect me!" she protests, breaking her silence.
"And so I am."
She whimpers and folds into herself. When did she become so weak?
"Please." She tries again. "Stay."
He takes her hands and tries again.
"I owe you everything, Hermione Granger. You have given me a lifetime of reasons to be a good person. I have loved you for so long that every happy moment I have ever felt has had you tinted in it somehow. But I am only one part of your life. You will go on, meet someone else, grow up, grow old, love deeper than me. There is no one else for me, but there will be more for you. I promise. That is what I am fighting for. That is why I have to die."
"But why?" she wails. "I cannot live without you."
He pauses and releases her hands.
"I would hope that you change your mind on that, but if you don't, there is another option." She looks up at him.
ooo
The doctor checks his clipboard again. After flipping through some more pages, he nods and then looks at her.
"Yes, that seems to be about accurate."
About accurate? As if her life, her love, can be dissected into pieces that are not always true, but some are. What an idiot. A fool.
"If there is anything else you need me to tell you…"
"Yes, think hard." He encourages. "We have made a map of Draco inside your brain. If you leave anything out, the operation will not be complete."
She closes her eyes and thinks of Draco.
"No. There is nothing."
"After this is over, there will be no more pain." He smiles gently. "That much I can assure you."
She shrugs. There will be no more pain, but there will also be no more Draco. When Draco told her of the special healer who specialized in removing memories, she could hardly believe it. She won't have to hurt or bleed or die without him. There will be no him at all.
"Now tell me, one more thing. After the surgery, is there any chance of seeing him again?"
"No." she shakes her head. "He is leaving today with Harry to…well, when I get back to the cottage after the surgery, I'll never see him again. It will be like everything in the past couple months has happened, minus him."
But she isn't removing Draco as a person, only their love. Only their sex and touches and feelings. She will remember the arguments, she will remember him dying for the Wizarding World, but not loving him. And isn't that enough?
"Are you ready?" the doctor says.
Is she ready? She thinks back to his face when she says she wants the operation. The despair in his eyes was overwhelming, but how cruel of him to try and guilt her into grieving. But sitting on this cold chair, she sees why he is so sad.
Hermione is the only one who has ever truly loved him. Inside of her, is a part of him that could not exist without her memories. Though he has to die, through her he does not have to be forgotten. Until she decided that he would be, that is.
She stands up and grabs her bag.
"Actually," she mumbles. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this."
She walks hastily to the outside world, hoping she has one last chance to see him. She hopes she hasn't run out of time. She doesn't even look back to see if they are angry or waiting for an explanation. Crazy Hermione Granger, they must be thinking, a lion in love with a snake.
ooo
"Draco!" she yells into the darkness. The cottage is silent and dark. She fears she has fun out of time. "Draco!"
But no one responds. No one is there.
She falls onto the floor and holds back sobs. There is nothing to do now but wait.
ooo
Waiting is the new form of worrying. Part of her knows she is only holding back tears because there is a chance he could come back alive. A darker part of her hopes that Harry dies instead, and then she can't believe she thought that and takes it back. She loves Harry, she just can't decide who needs life more.
Only two days go by before Harry returns. Draco is not there, but his hand is carrying something tightly in his hand. He lets it fall in front of her and it bounces a little, giving off ringing noises.
A yo-yo. A stupid child's toy is the price of her loves life.
"It's done." He says and helps her up.
And now she cries.
ooo
Her tears don't last long before Harry requires her help in destroying the horcrux. They go outside and place it on a rock. Harry reaches into his bag and pulls out a basilisk fang. His hand extends and reaches towards her.
"This one is yours." He offers. She accepts.
"Was it fast?" she asks.
"Yes. They killed him instantly."
Her throat clogs. She raises the fang above her head. She brings it down and feels it split in half. It's much easier than she thought it would be. A dark cloud lifts them off their feet, pushing them back. Howls fill the air and it starts raining. But they did it. They got the horcrux.
"Tell me something good, Harry." She begs. The rain has soaked her through already.
"The other groups got the four other horcruxes." He says. "All but one has been destroyed already. We can go home tomorrow."
"But Voldemort…" she says.
"I'll take care of him, Hermione." Harry says.
She weeps, the rain washing the tears off her face.
"I let him die thinking that I would forget him. That I wanted to be rid of his memory."
Harry crawls over to her and wraps his arms around her.
"No, Hermione. You didn't." he rocks her a bit. "He told me that he knew you wouldn't go through with it. You loved him too much, he saw that. He died having everything. You gave that to him."
They stand up and Hermione just wants to sleep.
"I miss him so much." She cries. It's an understatement.
" I know." Harry says. "But this is war, Hermione. He did what he had to."
They start walking back to the cottage. A strange calm takes over her, like during the sunset after Ron's death. The rain that is falling is causing the sky to turn a pale and icy blue. The color of Draco's eyes is above them and around them.
"Now it's our turn." She says.
Because for Hermione Granger, she knows there is nothing more to do than move foreword. She has learned that much from the losses she has suffered. The pain will subside, but never disappear, and she has become a stronger person because of it.
Love is the one thing they have over Voldemort. It is their one voice, one sacrifice, one weapon which will ultimately win them the battle. It will destroy him-they will destroy him-and life will go on.
It always does.
A/N: It took me 20+ hours to write this, time I was glad to give. I'm not saying that reviews are everything, but they are a nice reward to say the least.