Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing at all otherwise I'd be rolling in the money and own my own island. Plus thousands of minions to do my bidding.
A/N: I'm not mocking or insinuating anything by this fun piece of work. Well, except maybe Draco thinks too much about his hair.
Warnings: OOC, I've never written any of the characters here and I admit making Draco OOC is delightfully fun. Hmm, I should probably throw up a slash warning for just the barest hints of it in the name of humor. I think that's it.
"The Bitch is Back" belongs to Elton John and Bernie Taupin.
There was something…off about Dumbledore that Draco just couldn't put his finger on it. Maybe it was the way the old coot talked or perhaps the way he moved (not that Draco noticed or anything). It was just something and it was driving Draco crazy more so than that pathetic Boy-Who-Lived-to-Annoy-Him. And if it was one thing he couldn't stand it was not knowing something and Draco was determined to find out what was up with Dumbledore.
It was only after a couple weeks when he had casually been observing the old man, not spying because Malfoy's didn't do something so lowly as spying, that it clicked in place. It was so glaringly obvious. All his careful observations led him to one conclusion and he had quietly laughed from behind a wall tapestry on his nightly stakeout.
Dumbledore was gay.
Now he just needed to find a way to spread the news around the school to take down the old wizard a peg or two. One name popped into his head and he quickly headed towards the Dining Hall where supper was being served. He knew Pansy was good for something.
"Pansy, darling," Draco purred to his left where the girl was sitting instead of Crabbe, "I've got the most interesting news for you." He was nearly gloating at the juicy tidbit of information he had, smirking that he knew something before the gossip queen did.
She quirked an eyebrow and thoughtfully sipped from her pumpkin juice. "Going to admit you're not a natural blond?"
"What? No!" Draco snapped, touching a hand to his hair in reflex. "And of course I'm a natural blond, it runs in the Malfoy family." He lifted his nose haughtily in air before shooting a glare at Blaise who was smirking into his food across the table.
"You're such a ponce when it comes to your hair, Draco. It's okay to admit it."
Draco leveled a Malfoy Glare level 2 at the snickering Pansy. If he didn't have such wonderful careering-ruining information he would have hexed Pansy. He ignored the slight with gritted teeth instead. "Funny you should mention that, Parkinson, because I-"
"You're admitting you're a twink?" Blaise cut in with something that sounded suspiciously like excitement. And no, he was not eyeing Draco up like a slab of meat.
"No!" Draco snapped. "And get those pervy thoughts out of your head Zabini before I make you." It took all his self-control not to snap the fork he was holding in a death grip. "Dumbledore!"
Pansy wrinkled her nose in disgust. "You're in love with Dumbledore? Draco, honey," she said laying a hand on his forearm, "you could do so much better."
Draco was nearly about to tear out his perfect, and natural thank you very much, blond hair in frustration. "No, you prat, I think Dumbledore is a little fruity."
"Oh." Pansy leaned back in her seat and picked up her fork again. "Is that all? Of course he is." Draco stared at her in disbelief. She already knew? When? How? And why wasn't anyone using this as blackmail material? As a Malfoy and the Prince of Slytherin's, he was appalled at the lack of schemes and general morally challenged plots that weren't happening. Appalled!
Before Draco could go on an internal rant despairing about the slack in the basic rules of being a Slytherin Blaise spoke up again. "Actually, I'd say he's more oranges." He tilted his head towards the professor's table and Draco looked up to see the Headmaster wearing a turquoise colored robe with sequin oranges stitched all over it. "He's been wearing fruit themed robes all week. Honestly, Draco, I can't believe you didn't notice it. For someone who claims to see everything you sure aren't doing a good job about it."
Draco very carefully set down his sadly mangled fork before he did something completely un-Malfoy like and stabbed Blaise in his stupid smirking face. Shooting a death glare at Potter whose eyes he had caught across the room, he thought of another plan to break the news. As far as he knew he was still the only one in possession of Dumbledore's little secret and still had time to reveal the news in a dramatic way.
It was day two and Draco was lounging in the Slytherin common room in the high back chair near the fireplace. Pansy was sitting on the floor near his chair after he had forcefully shoved the girl off his lap. Friends they may be but in no way was he going to allow her to drape herself all over him. Malfoys were not furniture. Other people on the other hand… well, his father always said Hufflepuffs made excellent footstools. Unfortunately Draco didn't want to risk getting contaminated by a worthless Hufflepuff and had to make do without one. Oh, the never-ending suffering of a Malfoy.
"So I was thinking about yesterday," he said casually to Pansy. "About Dumbledore specifically."
"You're not still going on about him are you?" Pansy groaned rising up on her elbows to give Draco a disapproving glare. "It's almost like you fancy him."
"Shut your dirty Muggle-loving mouth, Parkinson," Draco growled feeling his wand hand itch. "I'm just saying I think Dumbledore is a little queer."
"A little, more like a lot," Pansy scoffed. Some of Draco's anger ebbed at the agreement. "We've always known he was barmy, just look at the way he dotes over sodding Potter."
"Exactly!" Draco exclaimed. Finally she was understanding and could now help him in some nefarious deed to get back at Dumbledore. His exuberance was short lived however as Pansy continued on.
"Why anyone would want to associate with that messy haired git and his loser friends has to be weird."
No, no that wasn't what he meant. Draco could feel his left eye twitching as he tried to correct Pansy's misinterpretation. "No you harpy, I meant queer as in ga-"
"Hey, Potter just got hexed in the hallways to kiss anyone he sees and is snogging Snape!" Blaise yelled as he burst into the Common Room.
Well hell, Draco thought as everyone rushed out of the room to jeer at the sight, including the pug faced Pansy. He was never going to get to break the news at this rate. He sulked over it for a bit before getting up to follow everyone at a more sedate pace with Crabbe and Goyle faithfully trailing behind him. Let it never be said he'd pass up a chance to mock the great Saint Potter.
"Draco, if I didn't know better I'd say you were sulking up here," Blaise drawled leaning against the doorjamb of the Slytherin boy's dorm.
Draco 'hmphed' and sat up from his sprawled position on his bed. "I am not sulking," he sneered while shoving the opened box of chocolate under his pillow. It was beneath a Malfoy to sulk, he'd prefer to call it brooding anyway.
Blaise sighed and sat down on the bed next to Draco's. "Well whatever you call it," he huffed. "Pansy's in a fine snit because you've been avoiding her and has oh so politely asked me to come up here and bring you down."
"Yeah well, maybe if Pansy wasn't being such a fat cow I would talk to her," he muttered. It had been a week and Draco was nowhere closer to sabotaging Dumbledore's secret than winning a Quidditch game against scar head. (As much as that pained him to admit.) Pansy was being such a cow whenever he tried to bring up the subject and kept making hints about his once unquestioned heterosexuality. How dare she. Draco was 100 percent ladies' man. He was the most shaggable bloke this side of Hogwarts that every female wanted to get a piece of. No question about it. Nope.
Draco shot a narrowed eyed glare at Blaise who was smirking into his hand. "What are you so smug about?"
Blaise saw that 'I'm the hottest thing since sliced cheese' Draco was sporting and couldn't help provoking him. "You do know you're ranked as number two as Hogwarts' most shaggable?" He watched Draco's mouth open and close in anger. "Potter's number one, but I'm sure Dumbledore won't care you're second rate."
"Out! Out out out!" Draco jumped up in outrage jabbing his finger at the door. "You! And your filthy, filthy lies. I should write to my father and have you expelled for such slander. And I do not pout!" He knew his face was becoming a most unattractive shade of red but it just couldn't be helped. First Pansy and now Blaise?
Blaise didn't bat an eyelid at Draco's outburst and favored him with a cool smile. "You sure protest too much. Something you want to tell me?"
"No! I just think it's suspicious that Dumbledore hasn't been dating anyone. Even Professor Snape gets more action than him." He'd rather not get into how he'd stumbled across Snape, McGonagall, and a bag of catnip. He shuddered at the thought.
Dark eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hairline as Blaise stared at Draco. "You keep track of our Professor's love lives? That's…really queer."
"I'm not gay!" Draco protested. "Dumbledore is you berk. He wears those fruity robes and listens to Elton John and has an unhealthy obsession with lemon drops, which I've been trying to tell you so we could plot his downfall, but you won't listen!" Draco flopped down on his bed slightly out of breath from his little outburst. Sure, it wasn't the smoothest way he could have revealed the information but it got his point across. Now they could finally, finally, move on to phase two.
A heavy palm landed on his knee and Draco didn't even register when Blaise had moved to sit incredibly close next to him. "I think all this unhealthy obsession with Dumbledore's love life is just a frustrated outlet because you haven't got one of your own. I'd be happy to help you with that little problem," he purred dark eyes flashing with something that looked decidedly predatory.
Draco just gaped at him. "Are you, are you propositioning me, Zabini?" It was common knowledge that Blaise liked to play on both sides of the field. However, Draco had never been on the receiving end before. Not that he noticed at any rate.
Blaise gave a subtle nod as he patted Draco on the knee. "All this talk about who's gay, it's okay if you're a poufter Draco. I've always wanted a blond boy toy." And then Zabini had the gall to wink at him.
Oh that was it. Draco shoved Blaise off the bed and stomped down the stairs and out the Slytherin room ranting about finding proof and becoming number one on the list come hell or high water. It was just his luck that he'd passed by the entrance to Dumbledore's office when it swung open revealing the esteemed Headmaster. All hot pants and rainbow tank top wearing diamond stud earring Hogwarts' Headmaster, that is.
"I'm on to you!" Draco shrieked pointing a finger at the very flaming wizard before stomping out of sight.
"I wonder what's got young Mr. Malfoy acting so tetchy," Dumbledore mused to himself watching the blond rant down the hallway. He didn't give it much thought as his favorite song floated down the staircase and he was in the mood for a little dancing in his office. "I was justified when I was five. Raising cane, I spit in your eye," he sang along softly to the music before heading back up the staircase. On the way up he popped a lemon drop into his mouth.