A Journal of Understanding
Ch.1
A/N: Edited this story again, hope it made an improvement. I reread it (obviously) and realized that I like it. Excuse bad spelling and grammar.
I can't believe I'm writing in a journal. That's the last thing people would expect of me. Hell that's the last thing I would expect of me. Still, here I am, writing in this blasted journal. I guess PonyBoy gave me the idea, with all his thinkin'and such. I do have a motive, y' know, for writin' in this journal. I needed someone (or something) to talk to. There is only one other person I would ever dream of telling my secret to. And even he would freak if I told him this secret. I've met someone like me before. Of course the guy didn't outright say that he was like me, but I could tell. I wonder if Johnny can tell.
I couldn't tell you when or how all this started. It just did. At first I wouldn't admit to it. "He's just a friend to me," I'd say to myself. But now I know better then to keep myself in denial. He's not just a friend to me. He's life. The thing to keep going for. The gold at the end of the rainbow, if you will. And I could get there, to the gold, to him if I wanted to. I know the route, I've practiced it many times before, in front of the cracked mirror in my bathroom, my own sallow reflection staring with empty eyes. Admiting, telling, echoing. But if I do travel the road, and get to the gold, he'll reject me. How could he not? With me being what I am, mean and tuff. He'll reject me, and I'll lose him, I'll lose my friend.
I can't stand this much longer! I see him every day, Two-bit teasing him in a brotherly fashion, Pony and him laughing like it's x-mas, for something I can't understand. But I must wait. Wait, because someday Pony will stop laughing, and Two-bit will fade away. Then I'll be there. I'll laugh with him. I'll be his company.
I never was very patient. I think I'll tell him tonight. Me, Johnny, Pony, and Two-bit are going down to the nightly double. I'll borrow Buck's car, so I can pick them all up. I've gotten rid of Two-bit already, told him it was a good night to get drunk, said he was going to anyways. Then there's only one more step to getting to be alone with him. I won't pick up Pony Boy. Johnny'll ask where Pony is, of course, but I'll just tell him Pony told me that Darry wouldn't let him. That'll be believable.
Driving, I remember, driving, the hot dusty wind, anticipation almost choking me. He was there, I could see him out of the corner of my eye. Rocking to the music on the radio. His silky black hair swaying in the breeze. His smell, hair grease and sweet candy. So sweet I could have died.
When we arrived my feelings were bittersweet. When the car stopped and the wind stopped blowing through his hair, his scent was lost. But we were there. Together, alone, I was to tell him my secret. And either he would reject me or . . . . or what? We would go off and live happily ever after? Admit it to the rest of the gang, the rest of the world, and have them accept us? If I was in their place I would never even try to understand.
We walked past the ticket booth of the nightly double, and over to my favorite spot on the fence to get in. I went over the fence first, dropping down into shadowed area away from the movie. Johnny waited a minute or so before he jumped over too. Johnny had always been smart like that. Tuff almost. Yet so gentle and innocent. The complete opposite of me. We sauntered over to some free chairs and sat down. My mouth was dry. I was going to tell him. He would know, and in my fantasies he would be happy, tell me he cared for me too. This wasn't my fantasy though, and I hadn't told him yet. I turned my chair to look at him, his big black eyes dancing as they followed the characters on the screen. After a while he noticed me staring and turned to face me as well. "What is it Dall? I got somethin' on my face?" His voice sounded through the air like a chime of hope. I had to tell him. I couldn't stand it any longer! "Johnny," I swallowed, "Johnny, I - I love you, " He stared at me, a mixture of horror and confusion on his face. Just that look hurt, but no, he had to add on to my already overwhelming pain. His face split into a self-conscious grin as he slowly said, "Aww ... come on Dally, stop jokin' like that," It hurt way more than he could ever know, but I wouldn't let him know that. Couldn't let him know that. Not ever. "Yeah O.K. johnny, it was just a joke. Just a stupid joke."
A/N: It has been brought to my attention that Johnny's eyes are not brown, as I had thought, but black. So I have gone and fixed said mistakes. Thank you all for the helpful criticism.