A/N: So...I was having some serious writer's block on this so I decided to just make a crack!fic. No flames please, 'cause it's all a joke! XD It's a bit strange in the beginning (strange meaning too normal) but it starts getting better (more weird) as you progress into the storyline. :) I apologize if there are any typos. Anyways, enjoy! :D
Disclaimer: Yes, yes, I'm totally JK Rowling. That's why I'm writing fanfiction instead of sitting in my mansion and counting money. Right.
~Cut!~
by Marie E. Brooke
A vial sat on a scratched wooden table with crooked legs, filled to the brim with a murky crimson substance - the substance that Katie knew was some sort of creature blood. Rays of sunshine filtered in through the bars of the high window, catching on the rim of the glass and allowing beams to dance across the walls.
Katie Bell tried in vain to pull away from the wall, but it was no use. The shackles imprisoned her hands and only allowed her a few steps of freedom. Katie tugged at bloodied shackles once more, causing a burst of pain to shoot up her arm, but to no avail. Tousled and sweaty, she slumped against the wall, panting heavily.
The door creaked open, revealing a hulking dark figure. It stepped out into the sliver of sunlight in the middle of the room; it - no, he - was tall with broad shoulders with dark, curly hair and eyes the color of brown leaves - dead and in no way human.
"I see that you are still there," he said, his lip curling up in amusement. He eyed her handcuffs, which were stained with crimson, with amusement. "Still trying to escape? Nice try. You aren't getting out anytime soon; I've set up magical boundaries around this very room," he added with relish, "so it's no use even trying. Not even a ghost could get in here."
"My...my friends will come and save me," she stuttered. Her voice rose slowly, strengthening with courage. "You'll never win, you disgusting beast." In a last effort of defiance, she gathered up all the saliva in her mouth and spat the huge, gooey glob right in his face.
He glared at her, wiping his cheek with his sleeve. "Idiot," he spat venomously. "Your friends can't help you now. They're dead." Katie gasped, her eyes widening with horror. Seeing her stricken expression, he smiled tightly. "You're all mine now." He leaned closer to her, his warm breath fanning across her face. Katie shrinked against the wall and turned her head in an effort to get away from the monster.
"You…" he started, his voice husky. He drew back from her. "Um...line?" he called out hesitantly.
"Cut, cut, CUT!" yelled the author, holding up a clapper with the words Supa dupa fluffy Kallie scrawled messily on the front. "This acting is way too forced. Oliver, you're supposed to be the lonesome, handsome criminal with an inferiority complex who captures girls in a quest for love! You've been stalking her for more than a month; she's your true love. You can't just forget your line in the steamy part!Act more evil and sexy! The girls love that." Oliver shook his head and opened his mouth to protest, but the author plowed on, this time directing her attention to Katie. "Katie, act more vulnerable, like a damsel in distress. You're supposed to be slowly falling for the criminal! The audience can't see that when your expression is one equivalent to a dead fish!"
Oliver sighed. "Look, director - "
"Princess Author!" corrected the author angrily.
Oliver rolled his eyes. "Princess Author," he started, "don't you think that this whole 'Kallie fic' idea is a bit...ridiculous? I mean," he added, seeing the author's murderous look, "don't you think this is tad too bit exaggerated? I mean, Katie and I have only been a couple for a few months. And how can cameras even work in Hogwarts?" he added as an afterthought. However, his last line was drowned by the loud protests of the lights manager.
"But we have to make a Kallie fic in celebration of our OTP finally getting together!" squealed the lights manager in a fan girlish manner.
"What he means," deadpanned Katie, "is that the script is cliche and stupid, the special effects are cheesy, and the whole 'Kallie fic' thing is completely and utterly pointless."
The author glared at Katie, clearly wondering whether she had gone OOC (out of character) or if she was just delusional when she was IC (in character). "I think you are ridiculous!" she declared, smiling smugly as if it was actually a good comeback (it wasn't). She high-fived the cameraman. "Oh snap!"
"Oh snap!" repeated the cameraman.
"Oh, shut up and stop copying me," snapped the author.
The cameraman shrank back against the author's angry gaze. "Sorry!" he whimpered.
Meanwhile, Katie, who was getting quite thirsty from all those horrible lines that she had to recite, had decided to drain the bottle of "creature blood." She raised an eyebrow. "Cranberry juice? Really?"
"It's cranberry juice mixed in with creature blood," she corrected. Then, she added under her breath, "Plus, it's cheap."
"Oh snap!" said the cameraman.
"Not now!"
"Oops! Please don't kill me!" cried the cameraman, shielding his face from her angry gaze.
Oliver facepalmed and started towards the door. "I gotta go to Quidditch practice," he mumbled quickly. Katie followed suit, casting a disgusted look at the crew as she sauntered towards the door.
"But...but...you can't leave! Not at 700 words!" cried the author, tearing at her hair in despair. Her beautiful (horrible) story was ruined!
"Well, we just did," said Katie, preparing for a dramatic exit as she twisted the doorknob...only to find that it wouldn't move. "Wait, what?" She jiggled the knob, but it was stuck. "You locked it?" she demanded to the now smirking author.
"I put up magical boundaries," she told Katie imperiously. (Actually, she had paid some poor minor character to put them up, but that wasn't relevant to the plot, so she handily kept that detail out.) "So ha! You can't leave. Oh snap!" she said, high-fiving the cameraman again.
"Oh snap!" repeated the cameraman.
"Oh, shut up and stop copying me," snapped the author.
The cameraman shrank back against the author's angry gaze. "Sorry!" he whimpered.
While the two were squabbling, Oliver had successfully secured his wand from the unsuspecting author and was now pointing it at the door. "Alohomora!" he said. There was a clicking noise, like something was being unlocked, and the door swung open. He and Katie strolled through it, only pausing when Katie turned around and called out, "Bye, idiots!"
"This could merit some serious copyright infringement - wait, what? Don't call me an idiot! And wait - where did they go?" said the author, just realizing that her two MCs (main characters) were gone. She turned to her cameraman. "Quick! Use, um…Oppugno!"
"Georgepugno!" cried the panicked cameraman, pointing his wand at the two retreating figures. There was a puff of foul-smelling green smoke, and by the time it had cleared (much to the crew's relief; it smelled really, really bad - like farting bad), there were several dazed sparrows in its place. They started to peck at the crewmembers' clothes and food.
"You pronounced it - hey, stop pecking at my shirt!" said the author angrily, trying to brush a sparrow off her shirt.
"OK, I'll do it again!" said the cameraman hastily, not wanting to further incur the author's wrath.
"Don't - "
"Gopuggo!"
Soon, the whole castle could hear the cries of the crewmen as they desperately battled off angry sparrows. When Dumbledore arrived on the scene, he was so appalled at the cheesy script that he sent the whole crew to St. Mungo's. The crazy crew was soon forgotten.
15 years later…
"Mummy!" cried a small child with long chocolate brown hair and large blue eyes. "What's this?" The young girl held up a cracked CD with the words Kallie fic scrawled on the front in sharpie.
Katie squirmed, remembering that strange day at Hogwarts. "Um...nothing interesting, dearie," she lied.
"What's interesting?" Oliver Wood strolled into the living room, dressed in Quidditch robes. "Finally done with practice!" he announced. "I think our team is ready for the match against the Tutshill Tornados!" he added happily, placing a chaste kiss on his wife's cheek.
"Daddy!" The young girl leaped into her father's arms. He grinned, holding her above his head and spinning her around in the air, making his daughter giggle loudly, before putting her down. "Daddy," she started, "what's this?" She held up the CD that she had shown her mother.
A look of recognition passed Oliver's face before he quickly smoothedut his expression. "Nothing, sweetie," he said unconvincingly.
"Really?" She looked up at him with wide, watery blue eyes.
"Erm…" He shifted uncomfortably.
"It's nothing, dear," interrupted Katie, smiling at her daughter's antics and winking at her husband knowingly. "Nothing interesting."
"Yes," said Oliver, returning the wink. "Nothing interesting.
A/N: And...cut! (get it? get it? get it? No? OK...) I hope you liked it. I had a lot of fun with that ending. ;) Anyways...REVIEW AS ALWAYS! :D
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CONTESTS/CHALLENGES:
[*2015* New Years Millionaire Challenge] Write parody - earns $50
[Greek Mythology Mega Prompt Challenge] Muses - write humor
[Lolita Challenge] Emureverie – Write about heavy expectations
[Pirate Ship Battles] Write a KBOW creatureblood!fic - Prompts used: sparrow, ghost, leaves, help
[Build-A-Bear Challenge] Lots of Stuffing - write a story with over 1000 words
[Challenge Ticketing Challenge] Challenges - 6/3 (not counting this challenge)