Misery
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
So scared of breaking it
But you won't let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters
I will never send
I smile proudly at my letter. It's perfect, finished with a gold star. I fold it in half and slip it to the back of my desk on top of the others. Ever since nationals, I've hated myself. For what I did and for losing. I always hated Jesse for what he did to me, and now thinking that he could possibly hate me? I push the thought away. I sometimes catch myself humming our songs, I write letters to him every day, I just never send them and have no intention to.
Sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem
You'd rather cover up
"So I was thinking and I thought maybe we could like go to a play every Friday, I know how you like those" Finn smiles at me, unknowing that he just ripped open a wound on me. "That's very thoughtful Finn, but how about we do something you like" I tell him, he nods. "Like football because that would be totally awesome" he smiles at me. "Sure" I tell him before he gives me a quick kiss and going off. I sigh. Friday night plays every weekend? Jesse did that with me, he surprised me one week and we never stopped, well until he egged me.
I'd rather let them bleed
So let me be
And I'll set you free
The football game is two days away. I'm not looking forward to it; I never understood football, not even when I played it for the school football team. I sit on my bed torturing myself by looking at the playbills from all the shows and plays Jesse took me to. I never had the heart to throw any away. I smile at one with a huge brown stain one it, he took me out to dinner after and I was laughing so hard I spilled tea over it; I cleaned it off and kept it. There were a few more like that, just happy little fond memories. I wonder what's he doing now. Maybe doing the same thing with another girl, maybe that girl realizes what she's got, maybe she'll only know when he's gone.
I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me
(Oh yeah)
Finn wraps his arm around me. I smile at him. It's beyond freezing, and at a football game with rabid fans. Finn randomly yells at the game, I wince at his loudness and don't mention it. "Having fun?" he asks me. "I always have fun with you" I smile hoping he doesn't realize it's broken.
Why won't you answer me
The silence is slowly killing me
I decided to write an email. An email I am planning to send. I re read it.
Dear Jesse,
I truly am sorry for how things turned out, neither of us left happy. I don't know where you are, or what you're doing, but I truly hope it makes you happy. I understand if after you read this you want to punch the computer screen and such because I, well you know. I always hated you for what you did to me and now well you probably hate me, I really am sorry Jesse.
Boy you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I'm gonna get you back
Gonna get you back
Every day I check my inbox. Every day there is a new email, none are from him. I sigh in frustration. He could at least type back something, anything. I don't even care if he tells me he hates me, well I would but it would at least be something. Something is better than nothing. I laugh dryly at that, Finn is better than not having a boyfriend at all.
Your salty skin and how
It mixes in with mine
The way it feels to be
Completely intertwined
Daddy told me I could get a few new things, so I am cleaning out my closet. I go through everything putting the things I don't want any more on my bed. My fingers graze something smooth, I pull it out. I finger the lavender silk. My breath hitched in my throat. It was the nightgown I bought for, well when Jesse and I were going to, were going to have sex. I look at it, remembering that moment; I couldn't do it, literally. I locked myself in my bathroom. He had pried me out to talk about it or sing.
Not that I didn't care
It's that I didn't know
It's not what I didn't feel,
It's what I didn't show
I frown fiercely at the national's picture. Why couldn't I have realized my huge mistake then and not four months after the fact? Why didn't I realize I kissed the wrong person? Why? I shift my jaw; it's something I do when I get angry. Why do I always realize my mistakes too late? Stupid superman.
So let me be
And I'll set you free
I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me (Oh yeah)
Why won't you answer me
The silence is slowly killing me
"Ok guys, i want you to pick a song in five minutes and perform it, we need to be quick on our feet and ready for anything, so pair up and go!" he tells us, Finn already took my hand as if to claim me. "Ok so I was thinking since you know Adele is so big right now we should sing one of her songs, like rolling in the deep" he smiles proud of himself. I restrain myself from wincing. There are two songs that are off limits, first one being hello. The second being rolling in the deep. For certain reasons. "I agree, how about someone like you though, it's more up to date" I pull a smile out for him. "Ok cool!" he smiles.
Boy you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Everyone tells me I was outstanding. They could feel it. Finn thankfully thinks I was also great and that he's glad I am his girl, I nod. That night I cry myself to sleep. No one knew I was singing about someone, thank goodness. They would tear me apart for who I was singing about. I promised myself if I ever see him again, I'm defiantly going to sing Adele to him. It's almost like she followed my relationship with him and wrote about it, All of her songs are perfect for us.
Say your faith is shaken
You may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and
Waiting for the sun
Crying myself to sleep seemed to be a new trend. Everyday something reminded me of Jesse or related to him. Worry sets in, someone is bound to notice something isn't right with me. That can't happen. I won't allow it. I'm happy with Finn, or at least happy enough.
I'm desperate and confused
So far away from you
I'm getting there
I don't care where I have to go
My heart drops and I run off possibilities in my head. I have a new email. A new email from him. I'm scared of the possibilities, scared of what he's going to say, hoping it just doesn't say I hate you.
Rachel,
I could never truly hate you. As much as I have tried to loathe you I fail. I hate the stunt you pulled yes, but not you. I am also sad about how nationals turned out, besides the loss and well losing you. I'm currently in new york. I've been doing various things and everything seems to be working itself out. I also hope your happy, you deserve to be.
Why do you do what you do to me, yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me, yeah
Why do you do what you do to me, yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me, yeah
I'm on a plane to New York. I don't know what came over me. I convinced my fathers to let me go with Kurt, we're two seniors who can take care and I promised to call them when I got there and such. Kurt didn't question me, I was guessing he assumed I wanted to go to new york for something to do with Broadway. It dawned on me I had no idea where in New York Jesse actually is.
I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me (Oh yeah)
Why won't you answer me
The silence is slowly killing me (Oh yeah)
After the first day I actually spot him. I'm staring in disbelief, it was that simple? I watch as he nods and turns around, I duck my head. Kurt and I decided to go to a karaoke bar earlier, and apparently so did Jesse. There was a stage and I was prepared. Jesse took a seat at the bar and I snuck up to the stage. Kurt didn't question me, but he smile at me and nodded, and I swear he mouthed 'go get him' to me. I gripped the microphone.
Boy you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I'm gonna get you back
Gonna get you back
"Why don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, baby, please remember me one more. When will I see you again?" I receive applause I don't pay any attention to, I'm only paying attention to the pair of eyes at the bar looking at me, I smile at the audience and walk off stage. "Rachel" he greets me. I nod making my lips form a straight line. "Adele-"he starts to say. "It suits us"
The song Rachel Sings Is Don't you Remeber by Adele if any were wondering.