Finally nightfall, after the longest and most terribly glorious day of Elsa's life. The palace had recovered from the furor of receiving the Queen and Princess Anna back into the castle, and hardly had they entered the doors when they were whisked apart again, Queen Elsa to speak to the visiting dignitaries and soothe them from their worries, and Anna to be fussed over by Kai, Gerda, and the entire cohort of waiting staff. Elsa spoke to Kai first and asked him to summon the Royal Physician to examine the Princess. Elsa had to be certain that Anna was well, that her body and heart had not suffered from its slow and painful freeze.
With all her soul she wished she could be with her sister, but every responsibility she had once thrown to the icy winds was upon her shoulders once more. This future, and all of Elsa's royal duties, was also part of Anna's sacrifice, and she would face up to it as she had been taught and trained all her life.
So now, with the day done, having spoken to the regency council and the visiting heads of state assuring them of continued trade and posterity, and having witnessed the devastation she had wreaked upon the palace, Elsa finally had a few moments of solitude and peace.
She turned purposefully down the dark corridors and into the ballroom. This is where it all began. Her heels clacked dully against the polished parquet floor. She stood still and looked around the gloomy room. It had been here that she had played with her dear younger sister, had created the first incarnation of Olaf, and finally had cradled a stunned child named Anna in her lap, drifts of snow all around them.
Elsa, what have you done? This is getting out of hand!
Her father's words had been seared into her memory for all time. Elsa stood here and knew he had the best intentions, that saving Anna was necessary, but did he have to do exactly what that troll suggested? He was the king; surely he could have martialled his own authority to make the best decision for his family. Was it really necessary to keep Elsa's magic a secret, and separating the two sisters from each other? Keeping Anna safe became the byword of the family, a task that Elsa both cherished and despised for all the long years of separation that passed.
Elsa slowly walked to the ballroom doors. The floor here had heaved slightly in a great arc away from the doors. She dredged recriminating words from her mind and gagged on their fell contents.
What, what did I ever do to you? Why do you shut me out, why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of?
Loss of control, here, in front of everyone, had been one of those great fears, but the greatest fear had always been hurting her sister. Running away made the only sense she had in those moments. If only she could put enough distance between them, if only she could wall herself up and away from the world forever, only then could she keep Anna safe.
But even that hadn't worked. How could she have known how stubborn her sister had grown to be?
How incredibly brave and beautiful?
Elsa allowed herself the memory of first seeing Anna in her ice palace, the open-eyed awe Anna seemed to show at the beautiful magical creation. She recalled the joy that leapt in her heart when she beheld her sister; joy quickly squashed by worry and shame. She allowed that memory to pierce her, because she flayed herself with the next.
Hearing of the plight of her snow-damned kingdom crumbled every fragile hope in freedom and peace she had allowed to blossom, ever so briefly, in her heart. The storm would never end, Elsa could not control it, and the burst of magic that came from her heart held every broken promise and dream, knives of pure frost to reave her from every happily ever after.
Only to behold Anna, fallen upon the floor. She did not see, she did not truly know what she had done, but she should have seen, she should have known! If only she had faced up to her responsibilities even then, the rest would not have happened.
Don't become the monster they fear you are!
Elsa could feel frost under her feet even now, crusting the already wounded floor. She hugged herself with her arms, and the great shiver that flensed her muscles had everything to do with another sound that played itself over and over, mercilessly, in her heart. Her mind replayed it all, and she allowed it, because she couldn't make these same mistakes again and again, neither as a ruler, nor as a sister. If only she could harrow this lesson deep enough in her mind, make the scar of it conspicuous and broad, then maybe she would stop hurting the one person she loved most of all.
So she closed her eyes and brought the dread words to the very front of her mind, and relived it all.
I tried to save her, but it was too late! Your sister is dead, because of you!
The freak blizzard brought on by her worry and pain was brought to a shattering halt as the words had reverberated in her mind. The last, the greatest, the only task she had, to protect her sister and keep her safe, and she had failed. Anna, the dear, sweet, impulsive soul, dead at her hands.
It was more than she could bear. She would gladly take the blade. She had heard it unsheathed behind her with a bone chilling whisk and welcomed it. All she could hope for at the end was that Hans' aim would be true, and that he would kill her quickly.
She bit her lip in the bitter memory, and sunk to the ballroom floor as she relived it.
Noooo!
Anna's voice, unexpected. A rippling sound of breaking frost, then steel shattering and a concussive whoomph. Even in her confused misery, she had heard the last exhalation of her dear sister.
"Anna," she murmured now, even as she had screamed then, her hand to her forehead, her ice dress cool and soft around her on the parquet floor.
It had been the first time she had deliberately touched her sister in thirteen years. Her bare fingers, devoid of gloves, stroked the cold transparent majesty of ice that somehow held every facet of Anna's youth and beauty. Her final pose was one of incredible courage and defiance, hand upraised to stop the killing blow. But no matter how Elsa cried her name, or wept on her shoulder, for the longest minute of her life only ice remained. Anna, her dearest sister, was gone.
Ice, her last and greatest nemesis, the cause of all the separation for all the years of her life. Ice, the hated and despised aspect of magic she never wanted to bear, the burden she never wanted to have.
Then to have Anna return to her, to wrap her arms around the beloved frame, embracing her sister with every ounce of devotion and relief she could muster, to know that Anna had somehow returned; Elsa prayed to every god of her heritage in thanksgiving.
An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart.
And now, just as earlier this day, Elsa smiled in sudden understanding. She lifted her face to look at the darkened ballroom. Love will thaw, and indeed it did. Elsa was able to lift the drifts of snow, and release light and life back into the world. For the first time, she was able to dissipate the effects of her magic, and restore her surroundings to their proper form.
But could it thaw everything? The future lay before her once again, as frozen and unchanging as it always appeared to be in the days of her solitude and isolation. Endless hours of study and preparation for the role she was born to take, and a lifetime of service to her kingdom and people. If only she could be as brave as Anna, and face this sword of endless duty and obligation without flinching.
Could love thaw even a frozen future, and deviate it from the endless monotony of the past?
There was only one way to find out. A quote from one of her favourite authors came to her. The best way to predict the future is to create it.
Elsa rose purposefully from the floor. She spent a moment smoothing out her dress, making sure her hair was in place. She wouldn't go back to those tight buns she always used to wear, controlling her hair as if it helped control her magic. Neither would she wear those high-necked, long-sleeved dresses that only seemed to constrict and freeze her every movement. She looked down at her hands, pleased to see the long and pale fingers, the carefully maintained nails. No gloves either. Never more would she conceal, not feel.
They were small steps, but necessary ones, into this future she would create.
A future that mercifully still had a younger sister in it. Time to stop remembering the past, at least for now. It was time to visit Anna, to make sure that her sister was healthy and safe, and start breaking down the doors that had always stood between them.
Anna had watched Elsa walk away with the regency council, and only then let herself be petted and pulled by Gerda. Her favourite drawing room, now not-so-favourite with the memories of that horrible Hans, had been deemed unsafe with the dramatic freeze and thaw of the day, so Anna was led into a different sitting room, nearer the staff quarters and the kitchens. It was only as Gerda led her to sit on a very comfy couch that Anna realized she was incredibly tired, for she hadn't slept for over a day. Or was it two? It couldn't really be three, was it
A yawn cracked her mouth open, and she waved her hand in front of her mouth as Gerda bustled over with a blanket and pillow. "Queen Elsa has asked the Royal Physician to see to you," she said, "but you may certainly have a nap while you wait for her arrival."
"Fiddlesticks! I don't need a physician. And I'm not tir…" and her mouth cracked open once again in a yawn that tugged at her very jaws.
Gerda levelled her a look that spoke volumes without saying a word. "Okay, maybe just a few minutes," Anna murmured, already leaning into the pillow Gerda placed for her. The matronly woman tucked her in with the blanket and suddenly hissed, drawing out Anna's hand. Her knuckles were swollen and red and Anna chuckled again. "Oh, he had it coming," she slurred, voice thick with tiredness. "No one tries to kill my Elsa."
"Your parents would have been so proud of you, my lady," Gerda said. "It is one thing to teach courage, or to read of it in history and scroll, but quite another to live it. You sacrificed your life to save your Queen. You risked everything to save her. There is no act of love greater than this. I'm honoured to be of service to you." The most faithful servant even curtsied deeply to further cement her words.
The words struck Anna's heart, lodging there with delicious pain. She smiled at Gerda as she tucked her swollen hand under the blankets. As she closed her eyes she felt Gerda tugging her boots off her feet, and then she was aware of nothing else.
The Royal Physician, Sera Avundir, arrived four hours later, washed and cleaned from an emergency surgery for one of the Royal Guard. Gerda was loath to awaken the princess, but the Queen's orders still stood. She escorted the physician inside and gently shook the princess awake. "Princess Anna," she called, "I'm sorry to wake you, but the physician has arrived to examine you."
Anna came slowly out of sleep, heavy and thick with warmth and exhaustion. She blinked several times and yawned again as Sera Avundir sat on a stool before her. Anna marshalled her consciousness as she noticed the worn face of the physician, dressed immaculately in a dark dress with a golden braid on her shoulder signifying her rank and position.
"I've heard that you've had quite a day, Your Highness," Sera began, opening her kit next to her and bringing out her stethoscope. "Queen Elsa has asked me to ensure that there are no ill after effects from her magic. I understand that she froze your heart, and then you actually froze entirely…"
"It wasn't her fault," Anna protested, sitting straight up in the couch, the blanket falling from her shoulders. "Besides, I'm all right now, I'm completely thawed, everything is back to normal, so you don't even need to be here. You should take the night off, you look like you need it."
The physician smiled and then scowled at her. "Princess Anna, I will follow the orders of my Queen. This won't take long, and it won't hurt. Not like your broken arm."
"And that was the fault of the suit of armour."
"Indeed it was. Shall we begin?"
Gerda left the physician and the princess in privacy and the examination began. It was deft and quick, and included listening to Anna breathe, listening to her heart beat, looking into her eyes and ears, tapping and touching various parts of her abdomen, back, and shoulders, and so on. A proud light was in her eyes as she looked at Anna's hand, which she soothed with an infusion of arnica.
Then one final time of listening to her heart again, and holding her wrist to time out her pulse. That was the only time a flash of something crossed her face. "What is it?" Anna asked, but Sera scowled at her again and growled, "Patience, princess." When another minute or two had passed with holding her wrist, the physician finally straightened up and looked satisfied.
"Do you still like to receive candy at the end of an examination, princess?" Sera Avundir asked, whisking away her stethoscope and other supplies.
Anna only smiled at the memory of her last exam, the setting of her broken arm, and the very delicious plate of chocolate truffles that had been her reward. It had only been two years ago, and Anna thought that perhaps she should try to act like a grown-up for once, seeing as her eighteenth birthday was just a month ago, but before she could airily wave her hand and deny herself the pleasure, she found herself nodding instead.
The woman smiled. "Good. Don't ever change, Princess Anna. Your people love you just the way you are." The last few words seemed to squeak, as if the physician couldn't believe what she had just said. Then the woman touched Anna's shoulder and lent even more gravity to the moment, saying, "We almost lost both of you today, just as we lost your mother and father. In the past I may have bemoaned your impulsive nature, privately of course, while setting your bones," and she gave a low smile, "but it suited you perfectly today when you saved your sister. I shudder to think of what might have happened if you hadn't done it. At any rate, Your Highness, don't ever change."
Anna smiled back at the woman who had been responsible for setting bones and making casts and binding wounds from blade training. She had always seemed rather aloof and strict to the princess, but Anna suddenly recognized the depth of her warmth and caring. "Thank you, Sera. Your words mean a lot to me. And yes, bring on the chocolate, please!"
The physician laughed as she straightened up, then admitted Gerda back into the room. The matron already had a small offering of chocolates on a plate and a conspirator's smile on her face. "I thought your Highness would appreciate these at the end of her examination."
"I now need an audience with the Queen," Sera Avundir mentioned. At the rise of Anna's eyebrows, she continued, "Only to relay the news of the exam."
"Is there anything wrong?" Anna asked, the first chocolate stalled on the way to her mouth. She remembered that flash of surprise on Sera's face as she timed Anna's pulse.
"Your Highness is as healthy as a horse," the physician said, hefting her bag and glancing once again at her pocket watch. "Please ensure that the Princess eats a substantial meal tonight, mistress," she said to Gerda, "and she should get as much rest as possible in the next few days. Princess, I take your leave."
Sera Avundir bowed lightly to the princess, and Anna inclined her head, biting her way through another chocolate.
Her mention of the Queen brought a sense of worry to Anna's midsection. It was getting dark already and still Elsa had not returned? Anna knew there were other duties to see to, but how long would it all take?
The sense of loss and isolation was like a dagger in her chest. Had nothing really changed after all? Were they to return to the past as if today and the days before had not occurred? How much of her life would stay frozen to the ritual and routine that came before?
She had not hesitated to put herself between Elsa and the dread blade. But the courage required to face death in an instant was far different than the courage required to stare at the length and breadth of an empty and forsaken life.
Gerda was efficient as always. Soon a dinner tray appeared, heaped with all of Anna's favourite things. Anna washed her hands at the steaming basin Gerda provided, wiped her hands on the towel, and then sat to her lonely dinner, wishing with all her heart that things could be different.
Elsa had been on her way to the drawing room when a passing servant told her of Anna's real location. Elsa looked wistfully at the heaved wood of the corridor, the opening in the wall and window that was now boarded shut. So much damage she caused, and she was only peripherally aware of it, mired in the storm that always seemed to rage both without and within.
She followed the servant and smelled the most delectable aromas coming from the kitchen. She hastened even faster to the sitting room that was near the servant's quarters. This area of the castle was near the foundation, and seemed much more capable of handling the winter storm that she had cast upon it.
Elsa was only partway down the hallway when she noticed a servant escorting the Royal Physician to her. Sera Avundir seemed pleased to see the Queen, and gave Elsa a short bow before asking her to draw aside for conversation. "Should we join my sister for this conversation?" Elsa asked, but Sera shook her head.
"For your ears only, my queen, for the moment. Good miss, can you direct us to a nearby room?" The servant girl nodded and led them into a common area. Scrapes of chairs and rustles of cloth accompanied the rapid rise and genuflection of the guards and servants who were taking their ease by the fire or playing cards on low tables.
Elsa blushed as the servants and guards filed past her with a many By your leave, your Majesty, their faces quickly concealing the surprise they felt as she commandeered their recreation room. Soon enough they had cleared out entirely, leaving games in progress and the snapping of the fire. "We shall not be long," the physician said, surprising Elsa by taking her elbow and steering her into the room and into comfy chair by the fire. They heard the snick of the door closing behind them, and then Sera Avundir took her own seat on a chair diagonal from the queen.
All of this solicitude, and the perceived need for secrecy, caused klaxon bells of alarm to toll in Elsa's breast. She managed to remain circumspect and slightly regal as she leaned forward and asked, "You have finished your examination of my sister, Sera?"
"Yes, your Majesty." Then the good woman hesitated, and a wound of love and anxiety opened in Elsa's heart.
"Please, speak plainly, physician."
"Very well, your Majesty. I have examined the princess and found that she has survived her ordeal relatively unscathed. Her body and breath is strong, and she has always been blessed with a very active lifestyle and a strong spirit. However, I must admit I did detect a small irregularity with her heart rhythm that had not been present at her last examination."
The woman paused again and Elsa felt the oppressive tingle in her palms that preceded a release of her magic. She forced her breath into calmness and motioned for the woman to continue.
"I do not know yet the true cause of such a malady, or the long term effects it may have on Princess Anna's health. I do not wish to cause her any anxiety, which could lead to further heart palpitations, which is why I have chosen this discretion. I have not informed the Princess of this irregularity, and I'm unsure whether she should become aware of it at all. I will leave that decision with Your Majesty, for I know you have the Princess' best interests at heart."
A great dragon of pain and worry burst into existence along the length of Elsa's spine, his teeth the great ribs of her chest, and his glowing tongue an incessant flame deep near her heart.
"Surely… it is not fatal?" Elsa dared to breathe.
The Royal Physician straightened and shook her head quickly. "No, I don't believe so, your Majesty. It is a slight irregularity, and may not impact her life at all. For the time being, I would advise that Princess Anna get as much rest as she is able, and to eat plenty of fish and vegetables. I can't imagine that we could erase all the stress in her life, but for the next few weeks her stress level should be as low as possible. I would wish to examine her again, perhaps at monthly intervals, to keep apprised of her condition. Until then she should keep to her tasks and duties as is within her strength and willpower."
Elsa wilted back against the chair, the dragon softening inside her body. "I thank you, Sera, for all the service you have rendered my family."
The woman inclined her head graciously, and then looked carefully at the queen. "It has been my pleasure to serve the crown, both under your gracious father, the regency council, and of course, your Majesty herself."
One last moment of hesitation from the woman Elsa had only known as a rigid and somewhat authoritarian physician and surgeon who had served the family since before her birth, and Elsa wondered at the change within her. "Again, speak plainly, dear Sera," Elsa said, trying to keep all regal tones from her voice in order to hear what the physician really wanted to say.
"I… apologize, your Majesty. I've never been this long in your presence since the fever that took you after the death of your parents. I understand now the extra burdens that you carry, and the loyalty of your servants, Kai and Gerda. If you'll forgive my saying so, I wish to tell you the same thing I told Princess Anna earlier this evening."
Elsa remembered the illness that settled upon her after hearing the news of her parents' death. That was when Kai and Gerda learned the truth of her powers, and she had sworn them, and the physician, to secrecy. Even that small loss of control caused no end of anxiety for the young queen-to-be. She nodded for Sera to continue.
"I understand why Princess Anna would risk everything to save you," the woman quietly said, her voice nearly lost amid the popping and snapping of the flames. "I also understand that it was her act of sacrifice and love for you that brought her back to life. I can only imagine the turmoil that might exist in your heart, your Majesty, but please do not fret over the past. Your people will learn to love you, just the way you are. They will love you and respect you, just as I do."
The Royal Physician abruptly stood, and then curtsied with a deep genuflection rarely seen even among royalty, the hem of her dark robes pooling on the floor before she rose once again.
"If I may pass one last piece of advice, as a physician," she said, once again hefting the bag in her callused palm, "it would be that Anna needs a sister now, more than ever. You are freed from the secrets of the past. It may be that your presence is all the cure that is required."
"I thank you, Sera," Elsa finally said. "Thank you… for everything."
Elsa remained in the room several minutes after the woman departed, assimilating all the new knowledge she had gained. Should she tell Anna of her condition, the change in her heart rhythm? Or should she follow the advice of the physician, and keep such knowledge close?
The guilt of it remained.
What have I done?
It seemed the last piece of advice would be the wisest. Elsa would make her sister wait no longer.
Song, "What I've Done" by Linkin Park.