A/N: My first fanfic!!! Beta'd by A Spot of Bother
Summary: Roxas isn't feeling loved
Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't sue
Things I'll Never Say
My need to dream is a surprisingly strong one. To know that there is something worthwhile for me to hold onto, no matter what the consequences bring. But the pain of realization, knowing that the dream will never happen, that's a lasting hurt for me. But I smile and put up a wall to hide it. If it doesn't faze you, then I'll refuse to let it bother me. Life moves forward and so will I. You know that something is wrong and I guess you think it's silly. It always happens and the 'I'm sorries' are guaranteed to follow like a raging river but I'm ending the flood. It won't cut it anymore. I'm over it, or at least I keep telling myself that, but it still hurts. Regret…maybe, but it's fading, or at least I'm trying to will it away. Bad timing, I'm infamous for it. I'm also infamous for my stubbornness. If you don't want to know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you. I know that I could scream at the top of my lungs and you'd stare at me blankly. Especially you, Axel. Oh my god, are you dense. Live for the moment and die free.
But this is my last effort. My silence. If it doesn't affect them than nothing will and it's no longer my problem though it shouldn't be mine to begin with. But I already know that the end is coming. I've felt it all year and maybe it brings about the end of our friendship as well. Axel never noticed it and that doesn't surprise me because it's Axel…what does he ever notice? But then again, what friendship was there? My patience and a listening ear to satisfy his motor mouth and inability to sit still for five seconds before moving on. And so now I'm sitting here and pouring out my thoughts in a notebook like some lovesick schoolgirl, trying to distract myself from the pain that I refuse to acknowledge is there. Whatever though. Graduation is coming and I'll leave this all behind.
But I have to wonder…how does this look from your perspective? Do you think I'm acting like a prissy bitch, miffed over such a trivial thing? I guess so, because you have no problem in ignoring me, making plans with her right in front of me. Harsh, but fine, I deserved it, but I'll never tell you that. You'll never know that there were so many things I never told you, so many things that I'll never say, even to that sanctity of darkness.
Still, how does it feel to walk by yourself? I'm slowly detaching myself from you, leaving your life as quietly as I entered it. I remember when we first met in the hallways, and it seemed as if you had instantly attached yourself onto my arm, forcing me to leave my solitude. But she can give you something I can't. She's sunshine and a light that'll bring happiness to your life while I'm merely a dark rain cloud. She's better for you and I'll be fine by myself, always have been.
I have to find myself, Axel. I need to know who I am without you and so I'm breaking. It's out of selfishness really. I've always been selfish and this is just one more act for me to complete so we can both go our separate ways.
But…just so you know…because I'll never tell you and you'll never find out…I love you.
Roxas shut the notebook, letting out a long held sigh. He may not have the guts to tell the annoying redhead that he loved him but at least he could write down his feelings and keep them protected. Staring out the window, he watched with a heavy heart as Axel and Kairi walked off. 'Yeah,' he thought. 'She's better for you.'