Don't Remember, a princess tutu fanfic

Don't Remember by Gaki

First attempt at writing for Princess Tutu. Please forgive me if the characters are out of character or if there are any mistakes.

It was raining outside his window, neither a hard pouring rain nor a gentle shower. It was just simply raining. It was the type of rain that seemed to wash away all the things that are bad and not worth worrying over. It was a kind of rain that blurred the images before his eyes yet he could still very clearly see what they were. It was just raining. He was alone in the room, sitting near the window as he looked out from it. The clouds above were dark grey, an angry color that didn't seem to frighten him like it had the other students. Then again, many things didn't affect him at all. He only existed. He was only there. He neither felt pain nor felt fear. He didn't regret or feel sad. He didn't smile or laugh.

He simply existed.

He'd heard a few students muttering earlier when he'd passed by, heading back to his room. He'd heard them as he walked, looking straight ahead and no where else as they spoke among each other.

"It's starting to rain."

"Oh... I hate it when it rains."

"Me too... it's so depressing and lonely."

Depressing. Lonely.

He watched as it continued to rain. He did not know what those things were, did not know how rain would cause those things to happen. Tilting his head to the side, watching his reflection do the same thing, Mute continued to watch and wonder. Depressing and lonely. Those words were foreign to him. It was only rain, he mused. Rain was only water. Water wasn't something that would be able to induce those words. Water was nothing to be depressed about. It was just falling water. That was all it was.

Rain was water falling from the sky.

He couldn't understand so he stopped thinking about it. He simply sat there and watched the rain.

The door to the room opened and closed softly. He didn't turn around for he already knew who it was. He continued to watch the rain outside the window as the person quietly made their way towards him. In the reflection on the window, he saw Fakia standing behind him with a strange expression. His dark eyes were narrowed and his arms were crossed. For a moment, Mute thought how much Fakia resembled the dark clouds above. He couldn't pinpoint what that expression was, but Fakia always wore that look around him. He wondered slightly if Fakia ever had any different expression. And then he wondered if he had any other expression than the one that was currently staring back at him in the reflection on the window.

"I was looking all over for you." Fakia spoke out, his eyes boring into Mute's own.

"Oh." He replied in a quiet mutter. Fakia was always looking for him. Sometimes he wondered why. It wasn't as if he would be anywhere else but his room. It wasn't as if he knew anywhere else to go. Unless someone wanted him to go somewhere, that is. It didn't really matter to him, where he was. It didn't seem to be that important. As long as he was where he was, then nothing should matter, really. It wasn't as if he needed to be anywhere.

"I saw that girl near you today. Didn't I tell you not to talk to her?"

"I suppose."

The girl. She had a name. Ahiru, wasn't it. She seemed to be everywhere he went, not that it bothered him. She was just everywhere. Much like Fakia. Fakia seemed to be everywhere too. Everywhere he went, Fakia seemed to appear with that look on his face. Why did it matter if he spoke to her or not? What was so bad about that girl, Ahiru? She seemed to want to do something for him, though he hadn't the slightest clue what. There was a word he wanted to describe her with. A word to describe someone like her. Yet he didn't know what the word was. She was... different yet it wasn't exactly the right word either. But it didn't matter. She was just a girl who was everywhere he went.

"Get into bed. You shouldn't be standing near the window dressed in only your shirt."

Fakia reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him as he headed towards his bed. He followed. He didn't say anything, letting Fakia usher him into his bed. He looked up at the other boy, watching him silently as he was helped into his bed and had the covers tucked around him. There was something different about Fakia too. The expression on his face seemed… harder the past few days and it made him wonder a bit. Just a bit. Things never stayed in his mind for long and seeing Fakia this close again brought the thought back. There was something different about Fakia's expression. He couldn't put his finger on what it was though. So he just lay quietly on his bed, letting the other boy tuck the covers closely around him as he watched.

After he was firmly tucked in, Fakia leaned back up, gazing down at him. He looked back, waiting. He never had much to say, not even towards Fakia. Then suddenly, Fakia's expression changed once again. His brows were drawn together more and the corners of his mouth were turned down. This was not a new expression. Fakia seemed to wear this look often too, especially whenever it rained. He pondered that maybe the rain affected Fakia like how it affected the other students too. The other boy leaned forward then, lifting a hand and pressing it against his forehead.

Fakia let out a sigh as he muttered lowly. "I knew it. You have a fever. How many times do I have to tell you to listen to what I say?"

He looked slightly off to the side. "Mmum.."

After a moment, Fakia pulled his hand away, crossing his arms once more. "Stay put and this time listen to me. Don't let anyone into the room when they knock, just ignore them. I'm going to go get something for you to take."

He watched quietly as Fakia turned away, almost seeming as if he was off on a mission. He turned his head, looking out the window once again at the rain. The clouds were still dark and grey and the rain was still just water. Yet, there was suddenly something different about the rain this time. There was something that seemed off. Something that tugged at his… at his heart. He blinked, watching the rain as he heard Fakia cross their room, heading towards the door. It was different from when he was standing near the window, watching the rain. Now that he was tucked into his bed by Fakia, there was something almost… cold about the rain. Something that made him not want to watch it anymore. Something that whispered to him that the rain was…

"… It's so depressing and lonely."

Then he realized that that was it. That was the feeling he was having. The rain was cold and lonely. He didn't realize it before because Fakia wasn't in the room with him. Fakia wasn't with him when he'd gotten out of bed to watch the rain fall down. Fakia wasn't standing by his side as he looked out the window and wondered why people thought rain was depressing and lonely. And now he knew why. He knew why the students didn't like the rain. It was because they didn't want to be locked up alone in their room. And he suddenly felt that… he also didn't want to be alone in his room.

Turning his head back just in time to see Fakia walk through the door, Mute spoke up.

"Fakia…"

Fakia stopped and looked back at him. "What is it?"

He gazed into those dark eyes for awhile before speaking up. "… Do you have to go?"

"Of course I have to go. The medicine will make you feel better and you'll get worse if you don't take it. Now stay put." Fakia started to head out once again but stopped when Mute's soft voice spoke out quietly in their large room.

"… I… don't leave."

Turning back once again, Fakia looked across the room at Mute, his expression still sour. "What?"

"… don't leave. It… I don't want to be alone."

Fakia stared at the shorter boy for awhile across the slightly dark room. Mute's expression was what it always was: almost imploring. It was the expression Mute always wore. The look that didn't say he didn't care about anything, but a look that said he wasn't sure. A look that whispered quietly that he wasn't sure about the things he should know. A part of him hated that look on Mute's face. Hated that Mute would be unsure of things. That Mute would always agree to whatever people ask of him. But another part of him was glad about it because that meant that Mute would listen to him. It meant that Mute would trust him to tell him what to do and what not to do. It meant that he would be able to protect Mute from things. It was easier this way. Easier for Mute to quickly agree with what he said than to have his own thoughts. Yet, he knew that Mute was slowly getting it all back. Slowly, some how, Mute was getting his heart back.

His hand tightened on the doorknob at his sudden anger. He wanted to find out who was doing it. Wanted to know who was giving Mute back the pieces of his heart. He would not allow it. He would never allow it.

He wanted to give in. More than anything he wanted to close the door and walk back towards Mute's bed and stay with him. To just have a moment with the shorter pale boy where no one else was trying to get Mute's attention. To have one moment where Rue wasn't there to ask Mute to join her or to see that annoying girl trying to get close to him. Just a moment between the two of them, just something that was just them in the same place with no one around them.

He wanted to give in. Yet giving in meant he would be allowing that emotion in Mute's heart to grow. He would not accept it. He would not encourage it.

He looked away, gripping the doorknob tightly as he walked out without another word to Mute.

He stood outside the closed bedroom door, his hand still holding onto the doorknob as he gazed down at the ground. It was for the best, he told himself. It was better to ignore the newly recovered emotions Mute was expression rather than giving in to him. Better to push those emotions away so that Mute wouldn't understand what they fully were than to let them grow and watch Mute regain his emotions.

It was for the best.

Slowly letting go, he turned and walked down the hallway, his hands in his pockets as he watched the top of his shoes. It was for the best…

But then he remembered the look on Mute's face as he uttered those words.

"… I don't want to be alone."

That look that was the same look he always wore… but had something else to it. Those usual passive brown eyes were wider. Those twin unmoving orbs were almost pleading to him, asking him to stay and not leave. To not leave him alone in that room. Those eyes… those damn eyes that he now couldn't get out of his head. He stopped walking, still looking down at the ground as he glared at his shoes. He would not give in to those eyes. He would not think about how… almost sad they looked and turn around and head back into their room.

He would not…

Yet, he was. Slowly, Fakia turned back around and headed back. Making his way back towards the door, he stood there a few moments before reaching out for the doorknob once again, turning it slowly as he walked back into the room. Mute was still in his bed, the covers pulled up to his chin and tucked closely against his slender body. The other boy turned his head slowly towards him, blinking just a bit when he realized it was Fakia. They gazed at each other for a moment, not saying anything as the rain continued to shower against the window.

Mute was the first to break the silence. "… Fakia…"

It was only then when Mute whisper his name did Fakia walked all the way into the room, shutting the door behind him. Keeping his eyes honed on those soft brown ones, he made his way towards Mute's bed, frowning a bit down at the smaller boy once he reached the bedside. Mute looked back up at him, blinking. He could still see that look in those eyes. That pleading look. He hated how such a look could make him feel so weak.

Sitting down beside Mute, Fakia reached out a hand, brushing his knuckles against that soft cheek and pushing a few locks of white hair away as he muttered.

"… You're so troublesome sometimes, Mute."

Mute looked up at him, blinking.

Fakia turned his hand around, pressing his palm against Mute's cheek as he continued to look down at the smaller boy. Don't remember, he wanted to whisper. Don't remember how to feel. I don't want you to…do you hear me? … I don't want you to. But he didn't. Instead, he leaned down until his forehead was pressed against Mute's. He looked into those round brown eyes and preyed silently that Mute wouldn't remember. Mute gazed back at him, blinking slowly. He brushed his thumb against the other boy's cheek.

"… go to sleep, Mute."

Mute was silently for awhile, looking up into his eyes before murmuring. "Okay…" And closed those brown eyes of his.

He continued to sit there with his forehead pressed against Mute's. He couldn't pull away, he didn't want to pull away. He wanted to just stay where he was. To close his eyes and picture that Mute wasn't regaining his emotions. To see that Mute was still depending on him to decide things for him. But he couldn't. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he couldn't. Mute was already remembering. It was already too late. Raising his other hand, Fakia held Mute's face gently between them. Lifting his head a bit, Fakia looked down at the innocent sleeping face.

Brushing his thumb against Mute's cheek, he leaned back down, pressing his cheek against those pale ones as he whispered quietly.

"… don't remember. Please…"

Outside the window, it was still raining.

End