This is is simply a fluff piece after Tracy tells Ted she's pregnant. Oh, and that little bit of information Ted shares with Tracy? Totally true. Found it out last week, and I knew I had to incorporate it into this story somehow. (Follow UberFacts on Twitter for more fascinating, if sometimes horrifying, facts.) Enjoy!
"We're having a baby," Ted murmured in Tracy's hair, his hand rubbing her flat stomach in a circular motion. "I'm just, just..." He was at a loss for words.
"Happy?" Tracy supplied, giving him a soft grin. "Overjoyed, exhilarated, over-the-moon, ecstatic?"
Ted chuckled. "All of the above," he said dreamily, gazing into her eyes. "I love you so much."
"I love you," Tracy said softly, leaning in to give him a kiss.
Ted had been at MacLaren's with Barney and Robin earlier that afternoon, when Tracy burst into the bar with the wonderful news. In a split second, he went from being the happiest man in the world, planning his dream wedding to the love of his life, to being on a whole other plane of happiness when Tracy announced that they'd be parents.
The foursome ran upstairs to share the news with Marshall and Lily, who busted out a bottle of champagne (and milk for Tracy, unfortunately the only non-alcoholic beverage in the apartment), and they all celebrated the joyous news for a couple of hours. Tracy shared how she found out—"Lots of apple juice and five positive pregnancy tests."—and they let the gang have some fun coming up with potential baby names, with many of Barney's suggestions quickly being struck down. ("No, Barney, we're not naming it William Zabka if it's a boy..." "Well you break the news to Bill when he calls, then!")
Now back at their apartment—Tracy's place that Ted now had the pleasure of calling "home"—they turned on the TV to an old black-and-white movie, and curled up on the couch together. Tracy lifted the hem of her dress to expose her lower half, Ted's hand instinctively reaching for her belly. It looked exactly the same as it had yesterday, but he was now looking at it in a different light. Their child was in there; he cupped her belly gently, trying to feel for anything different.
"Whatcha doing there, baby daddy?" she asked him, amused.
"I don't know," he admitted. "Trying to feel it, somehow."
Tracy giggled. "It's practically the size of a lentil or something at this stage," she told him, adjusting her head on the throw pillow. "We're not going to feel it move for at least another couple of months, babe."
Ted laughed. He knew she was right; but he was just so eager to feel the baby move, to watch Tracy's belly grow and her body change, and for them to eventually meet the little girl or boy that would be the perfect mix of the two of them. But he also wanted to savor every moment; every little detail, event and milestone from now until the baby's birth, as it was all likely to come and go so quickly.
And Tracy... He knew from watching Lily carry Marvin that pregnancy wasn't easy, full of many highs, but also a few lows. She was going to be in for a whole lot more than Ted was, physically and emotionally, and he was curious as to how she was taking it in.
"So how do you feel?" he asked her.
"Honestly? I'm pretty excited," she said giddily. "But it also feels a bit weird. I mean, there's something alive and growing inside of me. It's kind of freaky. Like serious Aliens-type stuff. I'm a host!"
Ted laughed heartily, giving her a reassuring kiss. "Well, at least the baby won't come out the same way that chestburster did."
She gave him a pointed look. "Maybe not, but it's going to be no less painful and disgusting."
"It's natural and beautiful," Ted corrected her.
"Ted," she said, looking straight into his eyes, a serious tone in her voice. "Something the size of a watermelon will be coming out of my vagina. That's the equivalent of, say, squeezing a lemon out of the tip of your penis!"
Ted winced as she continued, now starting to sound frazzled. "And there'll be blood and bodily fluids everywhere, and I'll be screaming, and the baby will come out covered in gunk, and it won't even look all that cute in the beginning, just a squishy, wrinkly little thing with a pointy head..."
"You're getting yourself riled up, honey," he said, his hand moving to her arm, and running it up and down in what he hoped was a soothing manner.
"Oh, God!" said Tracy, looking at Ted desperately. "It's going to be horrible and painful and... I can't do this! This baby's staying in here!" She pointed to her stomach.
And she had done a complete 180. He would've laughed at her freak-out—she was pretty adorable with her wide eyes and the manic look on her face—but he knew she was genuinely worried. Hell, he'd be scared too if he had to go through what Tracy had just described to him.
"It'll be ok, Trace. I promise," he assured her, his hand back to her belly. "It'll be painful, I know; I can't change that. But I will be there with you every step of the way. I'll make sure you're hopped-up on drugs the day of the birth, and you can squeeze my hand until my bones are broken. And I won't complain one bit."
Tracy's eyes softened. "Really?"
He smiled. "What right do I have to whine over a few broken fingers when you're going to be pushing our giant watermelon baby from out your lady parts?"
Tracy laughed, and pressed her head to his chest. "You're amazing, pooh bear," she told him, putting both her hands over his on her belly. "I wish I could marry you right this second."
Ted gave her a smile. "Same here, but I'm fine with waiting. I mean, this," he said, stroking her belly lovingly, amazement in his voice, "is the best possible reason to postpone it. We're going to be a family."
He truly meant it. Ted knew they'd get married in time, whenever Tracy was ready after the baby was born. Yes, he wanted to make Tracy his wife more than anything, but the castle and the French countryside and the hot air balloon weren't as amazing as what was happening to them now. As traditional as they both were, they were going the non-traditional route: baby first, then marriage. It wasn't how Ted had planned his future, but sometimes, life could truly surprise you and throw even the best-laid plans off-track. Which, Ted realized as he now held Tracy close, wasn't a bad thing after all.
"Yeah, we are," she whispered, leaning forward and giving him a tender kiss. Ted's hand moved to her lower back, gently pushing her body against his.
They continued with their embrace, kissing lazily and leisurely, until Ted felt Tracy's hands reach for his belt.
Ted pulled back. "Wh-what are you doing?" he asked her.
Tracy gave him a funny look. "Trying to make love to my fiancé?" she offered. "I can't believe after a year and a half, I still have to spell it out for you, Mosby." She leaned forward to nibble on his neck.
Ted couldn't help but shut his eyes and moan appreciatevely, but his brain quickly took over, and he gently pushed her away.
"What is it, honey?" asked Tracy, aroused and confused.
"We can't do this," he told her.
She flashed him a naughty grin. "The baby in my belly kinda tells me that we can," she purred. "And that we're pretty good at it." She began to reach for his belt again.
Ted put his hands on hers, and Tracy let out a frustrated sigh. "Seriously? I thought you were just playing hard-to-get, but now you're giving me whatever the female equivalent is for blue balls," she said. "What's wrong, Ted?"
"You'll hate me for saying this," he began, unable to reveal the reason behind his hesitance.
"Try me," she said, arching an unimpressed eyebrow. It was a look that clearly reminded him that withholding sex from her was not in his best interest.
Ted sighed. "It's just," he hesitated slightly before saying: "The fetus can feel its mother's orgasm."
Tracy's face fell. "Come again?" she said, clearly not believing what she was hearing.
"Babe, I love you," he groaned, frustrated himself. "But it's too weird. I can't make love to you knowing that he or she will feel it when you, you know..."
"Oh my God, why would you tell me that?!" she cried, her hands now on her ears.
"I read it somewhere," Ted said defensively. "And it's kinda freaking me out."
"It's freaking me out!" Tracy said, a frown on her face. "Shit. How on earth does someone even find something like that out?"
They lay there in awkward silence for a while, not sure what to say or how to react. That little tidbit—that Ted had simply come across on Twitter a few months back—was definitely weird, and difficult to come to terms with. No sex for the next eight months was out of the question; but when he simply thought about the fact that their baby could feel Tracy climaxing every time they made love, it just made him want to keep it in his pants. After all, once you hear such information, it's pretty hard to get it out of your head.
Tracy was the first to eventually speak.
"So, you're saying that a fetus can feel its mother's orgasm," she said quietly.
"Pretty much," he answered, his voice apologetic. Celibacy won't be so bad, he inwardly tried to convince himself.
"Well," Tracy said, the tone in her voice now sounding slightly hopeful. "Technically, an embryo doesn't reach the fetus state until, what? Nine or 10 weeks?"
"I think so," Ted said. "What are you getting at?"
"If the baby was conceived around the time I think it was conceived," she explained, her thoughts going back to a wild late-summer night when they had gotten a bit careless when it came to protection. "I'm likely only six weeks along. So we've probably got another month before this becomes an actual issue."
"I like how you think, McConnell," Ted said approvingly. "But what happens when we get to that nine-week mark?"
She have him an encouraging look. "I have to make an appointment with an OBGYN soon," she told him, taking his hand in hers. "So we can ask the doctor any questions we have about this and, hopefully by then, we'll get comfortable with the idea. Or get really really good at pushing that piece of information to the backs of our minds."
Ted laughed. "Fair enough," he said, feeling relieved and more comfortable than he had earlier. "So for now..."
"The baby won't feel a thing," she assured him, her fingers undoing Ted's belt, finally without protest. "Which is great, because I predict some earth-shattering sex will be happening right now." She paused. "Unless there's some other weird and scary pregnancy fact you want to share with me."
"None at all, I swear," he said, his hands wandering down to her underwear, fingering the lace trim between her legs.
"And if ever you do..." she began, with a warning but playful tone.
Ted smiled at her lovingly. "I'll keep it to myself," he vowed.