Tough Girl, I'm In Pain, a pretty little liars fanfic

Prompt: "Can you please do a Spoby miscarriage prompt?", among others. This was also the highest voted from my tumblr users.

Don't forget to review and request (:

No.

No.

NO.

The word didn't seem powerful enough for the emotion Spencer Hastings was feeling. She shut her eyes, hoping that if she blinked hard enough everything would disappear. The last two years, the ugly texts, the painful attacks, the gut wrenching fear, the stupid pills, the ridiculous people, the destruction of her family, the fighting, the lies, the little cardboard box that sat in her lap.

It wasn't the box that was the problem.

It was what came out of the box.

It was the pregnancy test that now lay on top of the box.

It was the little pink plus sign that she couldn't unsee.

Out of nowhere, the nausea that had overcome her over the last few weeks returned.

"Spencer!" Toby's fist pounded on the door as soon as she lunged for the toilet bowl. "Spence, let me in."

"I'm fine!" She called when she could breathe, hoping the shakiness she felt in her limbs didn't translate to her voice.

"Just let me come help you," He pleaded gently, his voice soft as silk. "Please, Spence."

She had to blink hard again to push back the tears that were filling up in her eyes. She wasn't ready to tell him the truth. She knew all that lies had cost her in the past but she wasn't ready to let him know about this. Not yet. Not until she had come to terms with it.

Spencer Hastings had to be in control. She couldn't let him know just how scared she was. He'd done so much for her, risked so much, forgiven her for everything she'd put him through. For once, she wanted to return some of that kindness to him, be the one who shouldered this burden.

At least for a little while.

She'd tell him when she had the words and the attitude that would make him feel better about this whole thing, she promised herself.

"Spencer," He breathed softly through other side of the door, when he heard her gagging again.

Quickly, picking up the pregnancy test and opening the drawer under the sink, she dug out a pad, thanking God that her boyfriend thought enough to give her a drawer in his loft. She wrapped the test in the pad and wrapped the pad in toilet paper, shoving it to the bottom of the trashcan beside the sink.

Toby knocked on the door again. "I'm going to go get the key. . . ."

"No!" She shouted, grabbing the little box that once held the test inside. "No, Toby, I'm fine! Just hang on a second!" Grabbing the box and burying it in the bottom of the trashcan, underneath countless paper towels-eventually she'd need to remind him to take the trash out more than once a month-and quickly flushed the toilet before flinging the door open. "Sorry, I just-" She cut herself off, not sure how to continue. How had she lied so well these last couple of years? Suddenly, it was a foreign concept to her.

Toby didn't take notice though, not this time. Instead, his hand reached for her forehead, feeling her temperature. "You don't feel warm," He noted, softly.

"Probably just food poisoning," Spencer reasoned, unsteadily.

Toby seemed to chalk her odd behavior up to illness. "Go lie down in my bed, alright. I'll take care of you."

She smiled softly to herself. Even when she was scared to death, he had the ability to make her swoon.

She had barely laid down when Toby emerged into the room, carrying a glass of water and some crackers. Helping her sit up, he pressed the glass to her lips. "Let's just see if you can keep this down," He murmured, stroking her hair.

Tired and still feeling uneasy, Spencer settled onto her back, rejecting the crackers when Toby brought them up to her lips. "Okay," He whispered, running his fingertips softly on her jawline.

"I really don't feel sick, Tobes," She commented sometime later, while he was removing her socks. "Just tired. And a little nauseous."

"Mmm," He nodded, seemingly not buying it, standing up and pulling the covers over her body, tucking her in. "Try to sleep it off," He suggested. "I'm going to go call your mom and tell her you aren't feeling well."

Her mom, who was now divorcing her father, who apparently conspired with her loving big sister to murder their neighbor who mothered her half-brother and her best friend. This wasn't the ideal family to bring a child into.

The knot in her stomach only seemed to build as the night went on, despite all Toby's loving care. When he returned again, he brought a cool wash cloth to place upon her forehead, a bucket in case she threw up again-and she did-and a book to read to her.

Every time she hurled, he was there, one hand holding her hair, the other rubbing her back, gently guiding her into his arms once she was done and handing her a glass of water. He tried to get her to eat something light more than once but she refused every time.

Eventually, she fell asleep with Toby spooning her, rubbing his fingertips in patterns along her arm.

He was such a good boyfriend. He loved her unconditionally, no matter what she threw his way.

Still, she couldn't manage to say the words,

I'm pregnant.

Weeks passed and the morning sickness didn't get any better. She faked feeling better long enough to leave Toby's loft without him worrying though. He texted her that afternoon, after school ended, asking if he needed to come over and stay the night, in case she got sick again. Under different circumstances, Spencer would have used any excuse to lure her boyfriend under her roof.

But staying in a hotel room, sleeping in a bed right by her mother, the idea lost its appeal, pregnancy aside.

He showed up at Rosewood High the next day, a school full of horrid memories for him, just to bring her lunch and ask if she felt any better. She nodded and prayed that she kept down the sandwich and salad he'd so kindly brought her.

And she did, thank God.

By the end of the week, Toby believed she was all healthy again. But he had to notice she had suddenly become rather distant.

Spencer ignored his calls before bed, usually because she went to bed at nine o' clock sharp, hoping to escape reality for as long as possible. She usually replied to his texts but with elusive responses. When he offered to take her out to dinner, she said she didn't want to make her mom eat alone.

That was a total lie and she knew it. Her mother had buried herself in paperwork, shifting focus between her current case and what her P.I had dug up on her soon to be ex-husband. She had no time to eat dinner with her daughter.

Busy or not though, it was difficult for Veronica to not notice the change in her daughter, while sharing a hotel room. The going to bed early, the moodiness, the random checking the mirror while touching her stomach and, more than anything, the not well disguised throwing up every so often.

"Sweetie, come here," Veronica said one night, patting the spot next to, motioning for Spencer to sit next to her on the bed.

"Yeah?" Spencer murmured.

"Honey, I know this whole divorce and everything you've gone through lately has taken a toll on you. I'd be lying if I said it hadn't taken one on me," She started out. "But, Spencer, I can't help but notice that you've. . . possibly developed an issue."

Spencer froze. This was what she was terrified of. Maybe even more than telling Toby. Having to tell her parents, her parents with their high expectations and their opinions. Having to tell them that she was knocked up, that she had been stupid, that she did exactly what they had made her swore to never do.

She'd failed.

But the words that her mother spoke were not the words she feared. "Honey, an eating disorder is a serious issue if we don't get this under control, fast. Your father-"

Spencer cut her off and quick. "Eating disorder?" She stared at her mom, bewildered. "Eating disorder! Mom, I am not bulimic!"

"Sweetheart, I know it's hard to admit it when you have a problem. We went through this with Adderall too-"

"I'm not making myself throw up!" She threw her hands up in the air, standing up, feeling lightheaded. "I wouldn't do that-"

"Then why do I hear you gagging in the bathroom every day, Spencer! Why can I sense that there is something not right with you?" Spencer swallowed hard, feeling the tears fill back up into her eyes. She didn't know what to say. "Honey, I want to help you but I need-"

"You can't, okay! You can't help!" Spencer burst, feeling the tears spill over. Immediately, she felt her mom pull her back down and wrap her arms around her. "Mom," She cried into her neck, just like when she was a kid.

Who was she kidding? She still was a kid. She still needed her mom to hug her when she cried. She wasn't prepared to bring a child into this world.

"We'll get you help," Her mom whispered, petting her hair. "I promise, we'll help you through this."

Veronica had no idea what she was talking about but just hearing those words made Spencer feel better for a second, for one moment believing that her mom knew the truth and would take part of the burden off Spencer's shoulders.

She realized someone else would gladly hug her and tell her it's going to be okay, someone who she could actually be honest with and tell the whole truth.

Spencer was ready to tell Toby.

About an hour later, Spencer was lying down on her hotel bed. Her mom had held her until her phone rang. It was the P.I that was tracking her dad. They asked her to come meet them. Veronica had refused to tell her any details, just plainly saying that she wanted Spencer to rest and they'd talk when she got back.

The only issue was, an hour after her departure, Spencer's phone buzzed on the night stand. Incoming message from Hanna Marin reading S.O.S. Spencer sighed as the phone buzzed a second time. This S.O.S came from Emily.

Spencer didn't bother checking the next two buzzes, knowing they were from Ali and Aria. She grabbed her keys and hoped her mom wouldn't get back before her.

The car ride to the location Hanna sent to her wasn't long. The hotel she was staying at was close to the church. The very same church that Ian had tried to kill her in. She shuttered, hoping this was nothing.

But nothing was nothing, Spencer had learned a long time ago.

Entering the church with caution, she was met by four frightened glances, until they realized that she wasn't the hooded enemy.

"What the hell?" Spencer exclaimed, walking inside the pew.

"On my way home I swear someone was following me," Alison explained quickly, whipping her head side to side, looking for an uninvited guest. "I ran in here as fast as I could and texted you guys."

"Why were you even walking?" Hanna budged in, never thinking about the appropriate time for questions.

Spencer ignored Hanna. "Was it -A?"

"I have no idea," Ali's expression looked terrified, like she'd seen a ghost. People sneaking around behind her in the dark was a territory too familiar to her.

"It's going to be okay, Ali," Emily reassured her.

But Spencer didn't care to hear Emily make Alison feel better. "You called us here, because you thought you saw someone following you? We've had people following us for years!"

Alison's expression turned sour, her eyes narrowing but before she could let out a sharp remark directed at the skinny brunette, everyone fell silent at a loud thump.

Suddenly, Spencer wondered if it was more than Alison getting paranoid.

And when a dark shadowy character ran around the other side of the pews, she knew was more than Ali being paranoid.

"Guys!" Is all Aria said before the hooded figure flipped a table topped with lit candles in their direction.

Collective screams were heard but the five teenagers had-unfortunately-enough experience in these situations to know it was time to run. Seeing -A coming in the direction of the door, the girls, all gripping each other's coats and arms, raced in the opposite direction.

Unfortunately for them, the other direction led only one way. Up.

To the bell tower where Spencer was almost murdered a year prior.

Trying to not think about the past and just focusing on the present, as she ran up the stairs, suddenly Spencer realized she was no longer just protecting herself but also protecting an unborn life inside of her.

"Spence!" Aria shouted when she saw that the brunette had come to a standstill, one hand laying on her stomach.

Snapping out of her daze, Spencer took off running, following the direction of the other four, racing up the long, continuous staircase, now wondering what all this exercise and stress meant to the baby.

The race was a doomed effort though, as through some shortcut, the masked figure had beaten them there.

Face to face-or mask-with the enemy, the girls were frozen in place, knowing they couldn't run downstairs as the fire was spreading through the first floor but realizing that standing next to -A and a large fall off a ledge was equally as dangerous.

Sliding her phone out of her back pocket, Spencer began to dial 9-1-1 behind her back.

If -A saw what she was doing, they didn't make a move.

Hanna, who apparently had seen what Spencer was doing, decided to try and distract the enemy. "What do you want from us!" Hanna shouted, her emotion seemingly coming out of nowhere. The other three girls looked at Hanna like she was a chicken running around with her head cut off. "Get lost!" The blonde shouted, stepping forward, around the other girls and shoving the hooded figure into the direction of the steep fall that Ian had tried to throw Spencer down.

"Hanna!"

The other three girls seemed horrified by their blonde, usually not so intelligent, friend's actions.

But what terrified Spencer was -A's actions.

-A didn't fall down the bell tower or even dent the wood that gated the ledge off. No, they bounced right off and came flying at Hanna, fast.

Cowering, the blonde stumbled and fell, landing on her side.

Unable to stop herself, reacting purely on instinct, Spencer lunged at the figure; her only thought was stopping them from harming her best friend shaking on the floor.

But -A seemed prepared for her, as they grabbed her arm and yanked her over, out of reach of the other girls.

"Spencer!" Emily shouted, with the other three yelling out, echoing her. But Spencer didn't take the time to hear their wails. All she could understand was she was truly in -A's grasp and this was the end.

Except it wasn't. Because suddenly the sound of sirens filled the air and for the first time in all of her memory, Spencer was glad to hear the cops.

But it wasn't over yet. Because the second the police sirens got dangerously close, -A took off. But not before doing one last, unforeseen act.

-A threw all their force behind a large punch to Spencer's gut. A large punch, followed by a large, hard, shove that knocked Spencer into the wood that gated off the ledge. For a second she thought she was going to fall down, Deja Vu striking her. Only this time, the wood cracked but didn't break and projected Spencer off so that she flung backwards to the ground.

As one last gesture -A kicked Spencer, hard as possible, in the stomach before running off through the way they came.

Her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth ejecting a loud cry, and her friends instantly rushed over to her.

Pushing her hair out of her face, Aria breathed, "Spence, you're okay."

Whimpering, Spencer forced her eyes open. Through slits, she saw her four best friends crowding over her. Emily, Aria and Hanna were looking at her face, concerned, grabbing her arms and guiding her head up.

Alison, however, was focused on a different body part.

"Guys, wait." She spoke to the other three. "Sweetie, don't get up," She ordered Spencer, who was still flat on her back. Aria, Emily and Hanna looked at Ali like she was speaking a different language, no longer comprehending her logistics. But the blonde bombshell continued, touching the leg of Spencer's jeans. Looking at the other girls, she held up her hand, showing her fingers that were now tinted a rich red. "She's bleeding."

Spencer didn't retain much of what happened next. She heard her friends yelling and the faint smell of smoke in the air before her friends, with their comforting hands and reassuring words and worried eyes, were taken from her. Or rather, she was taken from them.

Two paramedics lifted her up onto a stretcher and began yelling things that she couldn't comprehend as they raced her down the large amount of stairs and into the back of the ambulance.

Somewhere in the time it took to get her to the hospital, Spencer reached down and felt her jeans. When she brought her hand back up, it was covered in red liquid.

Swallowing hard to push back the moisture that clouded her sight, Spencer uttered one word. "Baby."

The female paramedic attending to her didn't say a word but the way she took her bloodied hand said enough. "Shhh."

Spencer didn't want her comfort though.

"I want Toby."

An hour after arriving at the hospital's emergency room, Spencer was situated in a private room, away from all the noise clouding the air of the ER. People were screaming and crying and yelling out in pain. But all Spencer could do was be silent.

A nurse came by, just as her shift was ending and told her that the hospital had called her mother and she'd be here soon.

The only consultation Spencer got out of that news was now Veronica would know she wasn't bulimic.

She only hoped her mom didn't tell her father or her sister about her current predicament. She didn't feel like seeing either one of their faces right now. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not even next week. Her father would be angry that she had been irresponsible enough to get herself pregnant, her sister would show up for appearances but wouldn't have any real sympathy. She'd just stand by the wall and raise her eyebrow if Spencer appeared upset.

Under no circumstances should a Hastings ever show their emotions in a public place. Reserved, dignified, that's how they're made to be.

But Spencer never fit the mold.

Staring up at the ceiling, Spencer remembered a game she used to play when she was little. She'd made it up when she was seven, after breaking her wrist from falling out of a tree. She had been staying the night at Alison's and when she fell, Mr. Dilaurentis rushed her to the hospital. The break was so bad that the doctors said she needed to have surgery. Her parents had taken Melissa to the state spelling bee competition and weren't able to be reached for hours after she'd been admitted.

Instead of being upset, like a normal seven year old, Spencer had turned her head up to the ceiling and began counting the dots. Alison, who was sitting next to her, had asked her why she wasn't crying. Her words rang through her head now.

"I don't want to cry."

Repeating these same words to herself now, Spencer began to count the dots on the ceiling tiles, passing the time, waiting.

Waiting for the moment she'd been dreading since she first read the pregnancy test.

Only now, the news was completely different.

An hour after her admission, two people rushed through the doors of the E.R. Spencer knew by the shoes and the stern, commanding voice one was her mother. But the second person was a surprise to her, though she should have guessed.

He was always there when she was in trouble. Always running straight to her rescue, always wanting to be her knight in shining armor, always wanting to save her.

Selfishly, she hoped he would still want to be her hero, even after finding out how she lied. How she'd been lying consistently to his face, over and over again. How she'd avoided him and rejected him and more than likely hurt his feelings on several occasions. How she'd been so careless to go out and risk not only her safety but his child's.

That was the thought that had pledged her mind for the last hour.

Spencer's fears were in vain as she felt him sink into the edge of her bed.

"Hi," Her voice was closer to a whimper, resembling the cry she wanted so desperately to avoid.

Toby didn't say anything as he leaned and kissed her cheek, wiping away the tear that was falling.

But that lone tear broke the dam and before she could control herself, Spencer was in hysterics.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, Toby! I'm so-" Her chest shaking sobs choked her words down.

Gently-always so gently-Toby folded her into his arms, one hand around her back, the other cradling her head to his chest. "Shhh," Was all he spoke, his lips in her wildly curly hair.

Her next apology was muffled by his t-shirt and so was the one after that. If Toby understood her tear laced words, he gave them no acknowledgment. He just continued to run his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp, rocking her slowly back and forth.

"It's okay, Spence. I'm right here. I promise."

Eventually the cries and the sobs slowed down enough for Toby to loosen his hold around his broken girlfriend. Leaning her back against the uplifted bed, he pushed away some hair that had stuck to her tear-stained cheeks.

"Are you in any pain?" He asked, gently wiping away the tears that were still falling. Spencer shook her head. She couldn't feel physical pain right now, the hole in her chest filled with self-hatred too powerful. "You don't have to be brave,'' He whispered gently, trying to get her to meet his eyes.

Spencer's mind wasn't on her physical condition though. ''I'm sorry I didn't tell you," She whispered.

His look resembled something between awe and exasperated. "Are you afraid I'm mad at you?"

She didn't respond, her eyes focused on her shaking hands, her sobs coming back into the picture. "Shhh," He hushed, covering her hands with his. "I'm not even close to angry with you, Spence."

Slowly she raised her head to meet his eyes for the first time, realizing now that he was crying too. "You're not mad?"

"Of course not," He assured her, kissing her hand that went to wipe his tears. "Do I wish you'd told me? Yes, but I understand why you didn't." Spencer let out a sigh of relief as his arms coiled around her. "How could you think I'd ever be angry with you? While you're hurting? Any anger I could have ever felt melted the second I looked into your cubicle," His voice vibrated against her skin, soothing her. Looking out the open door, Spencer spotted now both her parents at the front desk, signing papers. "They're signing you out," Toby whispered, his hand stroking her hair.

"I don't want to go back to the hotel," Spencer whispered, looking up at Toby, feeling so small and helpless.

"Okay," He replied instantly, pressing a kiss to her forehead, still leaning over her. "I'll talk to them. Just go to sleep and get some rest. I'll wake you up when it's time to go."

"Spencer," Toby crooned from above her, petting her hair. "Wake up, baby. It's time to leave."

Opening her eyes, Spencer suddenly found her whole family inside her small hospital room. Disoriented, she asked what was going on.

"Your doctor checked you out. You're good to go," He prompted, helping her sit up very slowly.

Looking at her mom, fearing the answer, Spencer asked, "Where am I going to?"

"We're going back home, honey," Veronica spoke with a kindness that stung Spencer's ears for a second. Her parents had always been sticklers about public appearances. She couldn't imagine them being alright with her current situation.

The way her mom was as far away from her dad as humanly possible showed she definitely wasn't any more okay with his situation.

"Home, as in our house, home?" Spencer asked, disbelievingly.

"Yes, honey," Veronica pursed her lips in a uncomfortable manner, turning to the duffel bag on top of the side table that the hospital provided. "I brought you some clothes to change into," She commented, trying to change the subject, pulling out a pair of black leggings and tank top. "Toby, will you help Spencer get dressed? I'm going to go get the car."

Peter cleared his throat, uncomfortable and somewhat shocked that his estranged wife was that comfortable with their daughter's boyfriend. Veronica paid him no mind as she headed towards the exit.

"Mom, wait!" Melissa called, following her. "I'll ride with you."

Veronica shook her head, digging through her purse. "I'm already taking Spencer and Toby-"

"They can ride with Dad, though," Melissa pressed, becoming transparent to any bystander. Melissa wasn't happy she was no longer Mommy's Favorite.

"I'm taking your sister," Veronica's voice dropped to a stern octave.

The look on her mother's face was enough to shut up the young woman, blinking twice. Rejection from her parents was new for her. That was always Spencer's department.

As soon as her family had completely exited to room, Toby smiled softly at her. "Feels good to be the favorite, huh?"

"Yeah, if I didn't just kill our baby, it'd be great," The comment flew off her tongue before she could consider it. Toby's recoiled like he'd been slapped. Instantly, tears rushed back to her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Toby-"

The brief hurt and aggravation was replaced instantly with compassion. "Sweetheart, it's alright," He hushed her, his arms tugging her to his chest. "I'm not mad at you. I could never be angry with you, not right now," His lips danced through her waves of brown hair, pecking any spot he could reach.

"But it's all my fault," Spencer sobbed into his shoulder. "I was so stupid-"

"No, baby," Toby interrupted, gently stroking her back through the hospital gown. "It's not your fault. It's that monster's fault. And I swear to you-" He cut himself off, choking on his own words. "I promise you, I will find this bastard and I will rip them apart and I will make them suffer."

Toby's not so subtle threats only caused Spencer's hyperventilating to grow stronger. "Please, don't do anything reckless," She begged, her face buried in the crook of his neck.

"Hush, baby," Toby whispered, his hand cradling the back of her head. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

Toby carefully helped Spencer out of her hospital gown and into the clothing her mother provided, his movements being as gentle as a cloud. He carried her to the car-against hospital policy-and cradled her in his arms on the ride to her house.

Once at the Hastings House, he immediately passed by Melissa and Peter who managed to get home before them. Hoping to avoid any awkward encounter, anything that would make this any harder, he hurried his steps and got Spencer to her room as soon as he could.

Veronica was just as silent, going to the upstairs bathroom without as much as a word to Peter.

"Mom," Toby heard Melissa say, as he was tucking Spencer in. "Mom, I can help you-"

The water that had been running in the sink magically shut off. "Melissa, if you want to help, stay out of the way."

"But-"

"You make your sister uptight and that is the last thing we need right now." Toby heard no response come from the elder daughter's mouth.

When Spencer's mom came into the room, Toby acted like he'd heard nothing.

"Is she still asleep?" Veronica asked, handing the warm washcloth to Toby.

"Hasn't stirred since we got into the car."

After Toby had carried her to the car, Spencer had curled up in his lap and pressed her face into his neck. The gigantic pit in his stomach was a constant ache but it dimmed the tiniest bit when Spencer relaxed. If she could get peace, if she could have a break, he'd feel better. Her well-being always meant more to him than anything else. It was his first priority.

For the first time, Veronica pestered him with the question that had been eating away in her mind since her daughter had first been admitted. "Who did this to her?" When Toby didn't answer, she spoke again. "I know how she got pregnant, obviously, but I don't understand how she miscarried. The doctor said an assault brought this on."

Instead of telling Veronica about the phone call he'd received from Emily that had explained everything to him, he shrugged and said in the softest voice, "I wish I could tell you, Mrs. Hastings."

After an hour of sitting at her bedside, just clutching her hand and watching her restful features, Toby peeled back the covers and climbed in bed. "Toby," Spencer whispered, snuggling into his chest.

"Shhh," He hushed her, soothingly, cradling the back of her head. "Go back to sleep, sweetheart."

He just wanted her to go to sleep, to gather as much rest as she could before waking up and dealing with this living nightmare. -A, the terrorist that had been attacking Spencer for as long as he'd known her, had actually managed to take their sick, twisted game even further.

Toby hadn't felt this helpless and this on fire with rage since he'd been sought out by Mona Vanderwal in Bucks County, informed of the wrong doings to his girlfriend and offered a spot on the wretched team.

He was going to put an end to this misery, if it was the last thing he ever did.

He was going to find a way to stop the ache that had been a constant pain in Spencer's side for two years.

He was determine.

About four hours after Spencer fell unconscious, Toby noticed Peter waltzing into Melissa's old room, with his tail figuratively between his legs. Apparently he'd given up on getting his soon-to-be ex-wife to forgive him. At least for tonight.

Melissa had long ago gone out to the barn for the night and Veronica hadn't checked in on her daughter for hours.

And the Hastings Family tradition of avoiding each other in a crisis lives on.

Running his hands along Spencer's back, he kissed the top of her head. She'd fallen asleep but she had been far from restful. The hours that proceeded had included tossing and turning and violent crying, even in her sleep.

Toby had tried in vain to make her feel better, to provide her with some comfort. Currently, he had her cradled in his arms, pressing kisses to different parts of her face constantly. "I love you," He whispered against her angel soft skin for the thousandth time. "I love you and I am so sorry this happened to you."

To her. To him. The life that was growing in her stomach was half of each. It bound them together even tighter, tugged on the already rock hard knot that had been tied since Spencer had first turned around at the Founder's Festival and walked straight into his arms.

"Toby," Spencer murmured, her face buried in his shoulder, her legs wound tightly around his waist, which seemed impossible considering they were lying down.

"Shh, go back to sleep," Toby wanted to add for your benefit just as much as mine. He couldn't sleep, hadn't even bothered trying, but when she slept it felt like part of the weight, the boulder pinned to his chest, was lifted. Spencer getting any peace away from this living nightmare was all he could hope for now. All he cared about was her well-being.

She made a noise that sounded between a cry and a groan. "Toby, I'm sorry," She whispered, so quiet he barely heard it. It took him minutes to convince himself it wasn't his mind playing tricks on him.

This apology was different from the ones at the hospital-the heart-wrenching apologies that could bring him to his knees just thinking about them. No this was a shameful, pitiful, devastated, helpless apology. All things Spencer had never been and never should be.

"Baby, look at me," Toby ordered gently, his tone firm. Hesitantly, she met his gaze. "Don't ever apologize for something that wasn't your fault. Do not ever think I or anyone else blames you for this. This," He touched her stomach gently. "is not your fault. There is nothing you could have changed."

At his words, her eyes filled back up with tears. "But it feels like it's my fault."

"It isn't," He leaned over to kiss her forehead, his lips lingering there. "I promise."

"Why aren't you mad at me?" She whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Spencer-" He was about to argue again but she cut him off.

"I mean, for the lying."

Toby fell silent, his hand rubbing her back, his lips lost in her hair now, her head now in his chest. "Doesn't matter now," He whispered gently. "All that matters to me is your happiness and how you feel."

Spencer swallowed hard. "I feel scared."

Toby felt a tear roll down his face. Spencer never admitted to being afraid, ever. She was easily the most headstrong, stubborn person he'd ever met. He rarely could get any admittance to weakness or vulnerability out of her. Now she just owned up to it?

"It's okay, baby. I'll protect you," He whispered, dropping another kiss to her hairline. Only after the words were out of his mouth did he realize that she did not hear those words often.

Why does Spencer always feel the need to be strong? Did anyone else offer her this kind of comfort? She took care of all four girls, who though well meaning, dumped majority of their problems on her. She took care of him, whenever, however, he needed it. Who took care of her? Who let her break down? Suddenly, Toby's arms began to tighten around his fragile little brunette. He had to offer her what no one else did.

A safe place to land.

"It's okay to be afraid right now, Spence. It's okay to feel weak and powerless and frightened. I won't let anything hurt you again. I'm here now and nothing can take me away."

A sob followed his words. "Toby," She cried.

"Shhh, you're going to be okay, Spencer."

"How do you know?" She questioned, tearfully. More vulnerable than he'd ever seen her.

"Because I know you. I know the strength you have inside of you. I know how resilient you are. I know how you will only be stronger for this in the end." Spencer bit her lip, not responding to his words. She didn't feel so strong right now. "And, until then, until you have your strength and your fight and your fire back," He continued in a softer whisper. "You have me. I'm here for you, I will always be here for you, forever, every step of the way. No matter what happens."

The moisture in Spencer's eyes was no longer about what she'd lost but about what she had right next to her. "I love you so much."

Toby chuckled heartily. "Oh, Spence, I wanted to say that first."