Disclaimer (once and for all): I do not own Naruto.

Waiting for Sunrise

Chapter 1: Childhood Arc

Realization

"Why should I fear death? If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why should I fear that which cannot exist when I do?"

- Epicurus

What happens to us when we die?

I do remember a little bit of the ambulance ride, but not from my own body. It was seriously the strangest thing I have ever experienced. It could have been a dream, but I saw my own unconscious body, completely flatlined, in the ambulance. I remember the EMT who was in the ambulance with me - whom I did not see before I passed out - and the next thing I saw was a giant wall of light. It stretched up, down, left and right as far as I could see. Kind of like putting your eyes 6" from a fluorescent lightbulb. The next memory I have is waking up in the hospital.

Reincarnation refers to the belief that an aspect of every human being continues to exist after death. This aspect may be the soul or mind or consciousness or something transcendent which is reborn in an interconnected cycle of existence; the transmigration belief varies by culture, and is envisioned to be in the form of a newly born human being, or animal, or plant, or spirit, or as a being in some other non-human realm of existence.

The reason I mention this is still unreal to me. You're asking why? Well, I was born into the Naruto-universe. A big surprise, isn't it? Just imagine how surprised I was when I worked that one out.

I was reincarnated.

I was not, as you might have gathered, pleased about my conclusion about where I was at. In fact, I doubted there were many other places I would've rejected more wholeheartedly than the place I had come to inhabit. Why the hell was I reborn into the Naruto-universe in the first place? Shouldn't I have been reincarnated into an infant on Earth? That certainly would have made more sense to me.

It was hard to come to terms with, at first. This universe was terrifiying after all. Children were trained from a very young age to be able to kill an enemy with the flick of a wrist. Sure, as a reader/viewer, it was incredibly easy to forget that as you watched our bumbling, excited orange mess of a main character reach for his dream, spreading word of peace and friendship as he went - the Naruto-verse wasn't a kind place.

A second chance at life.

Considering the circumstances, it's more of a curse than a gift.

When I was alive in my old world, I read my share of articles on children who claimed that they could remember bits and pieces from a 'past life'. This made me wonder. Did all reincarnated people remember their past life and then just slowly lose those memories over time? Am I doomed to face the same fate?

Somewhere up there, the gods were laughing at me.

I was a grown woman, once - sure, I was immature and bratty at times and probably never would be a proper responsible adult - but now I had to be a little girl all over again.

But well, I guess whatever happened was done and over with. I had to force myself to accept that and live my new life as Kazuko Namiashi to the fullest.

When I awoke at the hospital, I was exhausted and felt like puking. I could barely even open my eyes when I unexpectedly felt someone grab ahold of me. Suddenly, I was lifted and carried with ease. I don't remember ever being that light?

I didn't understand, as if my brain short-circuited and needed to be rebooted. I tried to lift my head up but I couldn't move.

What was happening?

Panic began to bubble up in my chest as my instincts told me to scream. So, I did.

My scream came out as a shrill wail and I felt tears forming in my eyes as I felt my face grow red and hot. I've never screamed like that before. The realization somehow frightened me even more and caused me to wail louder.

It may seem odd that I, as an adult woman (in mind), started crying like a little girl. But I was overpowered by the instincts of the little body I inhabited.

I heard a high-pitched foreign voice speak towards me, at least I thought, and I felt my chest make contact with another warm body as someone gently patted my back. I was being comforted. The question was by whom? I was sure that I would have recognized my mom, dad or even a friend of mine comforting me. So, why and who was this person holding me and where the hell was I at?

The stranger began to softly whisper something in a language that I had no knowledge of. Albeit it seemed very familiar to me, I couldn't make out a single word that was said. So I was confused, helpless and trapped with no method of communication. Great.

Something that felt like hands caressed my face and I was pulled into a tight embrace. I stared hard at the person that was holding me but I could barely make out lights and silhouettes. Suddenly, exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks and before I knew it I was back into the darkness.

The first few months of my new life took some time for me to get used to. No, not only me. It probably took some time for everyone who got in contact with me to get used to as well because I had no doubt that I came off as an odd child. I wasn't supposedly acting like children my age. I mean, I was trying not to dance out of the row but, honestly? There were lots of signs indicating that something was wrong with me. To make it short, I'm just gonna list two or three of the most obvious ones.

Sign #1: If you were to glance at me, nine out of ten times, the sight that would meet you would be that of a normal child, babbling nonesense to itself whilst observing the world around with an inquisitive eye. However, if your gaze managed to meet me at that inopportune tenth time, you might witness my curious eyes focusing on people and conversations with just a tad too much intensity for that of a child.

Sign #2: I never cried when I was hungry, bored or when I dirtied myself and those damned diapers. I usually just scrunched my nose and frowned - the smell was usually what made my parents aware that I had spoiled myself.

Sign #3: I understood simple concepts faster than my peers. It was easy for me to grasp on new words, to understand what was said when someone spoke to, around or about me and to repeat said things all over again without any trace of an accent from my former life.

Learning to speak correctly and fluently again was my best bet right now. Why? Because I wanted to regain the freedoms long lost because of this... let's just call this an unpleasant situation I was stuck in.

So basically, whenever I was alone in my crib, I would practise and whisper words out loud until I got them down. You should have seen Shinju's, my 'new' mother's face, when she walked into my room one day to check on me, as she heard me babble some words out of my mouth.

"Okaa-san? Okaa-san. Okaa-san!" The second I realized that I could speak, I grew very happy and shouted the word over and over again.

Shinju instantly rushed towards the crib I was sitting in, with her mouth agape.

"Kazu-chan! D-did you just talk?" She asked with amazement.

I nodded my head and shrieked. "Okaa-san!"

"You can talk!" Shinju cheered, clasping her hands together.

Her bright blue eyes found mine and I laughed, as only a baby can laugh a sweet sound unblemished by the hurts of life. Her pretty face glowed from a light within as her fingers grasped my miniature ones, and held tight.

She knew. Somehow it felt like she knew I needed comfort in the dead silence of night, she knew I needed joy in the midst of my pain.

I know it might sound stupid, but it was lonely being a toddler. I was raw, hurting and she was patient, caring, no matter what. The love she showed was a new thing to me, though I'd given it to others I'd never felt it poured over me like a salve. Shinju was the only person I interacted with. She fed me, changed me and gave me all the affection I needed. It's impossible to rely on someone like that and not come to love them.

After finding out that I was given another chance of life - even though I don't know why I still remembered my old one, I went through a phase of depression and anxiety. I was still alive, while my parents and siblings are in a totally different realm. And I knew I'd never be able to see them again. Being dead would have been a totally different experience because I would have been able to watch down on my family from above. I would have listened to their prayers and wouldn't have to worry about them like crazy. How were they handling my death? Did they get over it already? Did they even miss me anymore? Or were they looking at the sky, smiling sadly, thinking I was in a better place, in heaven, now?

What would they think, if they knew I was actually reincarnated in a world full of assassins?

Sadly, this was my new life now. At least until I died again, just to find myself within another body in a different universe or officially in heaven (or hell). So with the help and affection of Shinju, I got my act together and decided to make the best out of the whole situation.

It wasn't until I was almost a year old when I became aware of a soft thrum inside of me. Instinctively I knew it was there, and that it was good and a part of me. Chakra is created when two other forms of energy, known collectively as one's "stamina", are moulded together. Physical energy is collected from each and every one of the body's cells and can be increased through training, stimulants, and exercise. Spiritual energy is derived from the mind's consciousness and can be increased through studying, meditation, and experience. These two energies becoming more powerful will in turn make the created chakra more powerful. Therefore, practising a technique repeatedly will build up experience, increasing one's spiritual energy, and thus allowing more chakra to be created. As a result, the ninja is able to do that same technique with more power. This same cycle applies for physical energy, except the ninja needs to increase their endurance instead.

Due to my adult mind, I had more spiritual energy than others my age. As a consequence, my chakra coils were turned upside down and I was painfully aware as they developed and grew within me. Everyone else had been born with chakra, was used to it and passed it off as something that had always been there. I'd never felt anything like it before. Because of that, I could always instinctively tell wherever it was. For me, getting a hold of the streams of chakra felt more like grasping thick ropes instead of water. So I started to kind of play with it. I pulled at the chakra, drew it through my coils and pushed it towards my feet or to my hands, then tried to hold it there. Sometimes I used more chakra and sometimes less, it depends on how much energy you are willing to lose. Just moving chakra around your own body can be very tiring at times so I often ended up sleeping for hours.

It didn't take really long afterwards, when my first birthday party was held. It was a relatively small gathering with only a few adults attending and giving me some presents, mostly toys to play with. However, it did surprise me that I was the only toddler there, since I would have thought that there would be at least some parents to come with their own children for a little play-party. I wasn't complaining though, not even one bit.

As I sat on Shinju's lap, I silently observed the people in the room, moving my head while doing so and came to a sudden halt when I saw a fair-skinned girl of slender build, looking at me with those very unique eyes of hers. Red in colour, with an additional ring in them. I frowned a little, wondering why she seemed so familiar. I shifted slightly in my mother's lap when I noticed the headband, proudly displayed on her forehead. I've seen it before. Or more precisely, I've seen it in a manga and on TV.

I shook my head in denial, trying to suppress the need to cry. This girl, maybe eight or nine years old, was none other than Kurenai Yūhi.

I landed in the Naruto-universe.

Shinju studied me with concern radiating from her eyes. "Kazu-chan," she started, "Aren't you feeling we-,"

It seemed like she followed my gaze because as soon as she noticed the girl standing there, idly shifting from one foot to another, Shinju stood up and walked over to her with myself held firmly in her arms.

"Kurenai," She smiled once she reached the raven-haired girl, "You didn't visit since you graduated from the academy a few months ago. How is it going?"

Kurenai laughed sheepishly. "Fine, I guess, but I've been kept pretty busy because of the-", she paused and motioned with her hand, seemingly trying to find the right words for further clarification.

Shinju just sighed in understanding, "Yes, I can only imagine. The war has been raging on for a while now." She said sombrely, tightening her grip around me.

I perked up at this instantly.

Kurenai looked fairly young to me and unless she didn't use a genjutsu to make herself appear younger, she should be more or less around eight years old. Given that she is the same age as Kakashi, Asuma and the other future Jounin sensei of the Rookie 9, I could only guess pretty well what kind of time zone I was in. It made sense. The war, I mean. Wow, that probably sounded very stupid.

I let out a frustrated sigh.

That didn't mean however, that the world around me was 'canon'. Obviously, I was here which means that many other things could be different as well.

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. In other words, chaos is the science of surprises, of the nonlinear and the unpredictable. It teaches us to expect the unexpected. Problem is however, I don't want to expect the unexpected.

I want to live a peaceful life, where everything can be neatly organised and planed out in advance. I'm not really the bring-it-on type of person - when life gives me lemons, I chuck 'em back and demand chocolate. This was a world where only the strong and lucky survived. The life of a ninja was rough and dangerous. But I had played it safe before to no avail. And there was no guarantee that playing it safe would safe me anyway.

I pulled myself out of my thoughts and gave the best I'm-an-innocent-little-girl-don't-mind-me look I could manage. Once again, I have no doubt that I came off as an odd child.

Then I poked my mother to catch her attention. "War...?", I muttered with a frown, silently hoping that I could get some more information out of her.

Shinju and Kurenai exchanged worried glances. I wasn't quite sure if they did so because I, an one year old toddler, picked up on this whole war-thing even though I shouldn't or because of how missplaced a frown looked on my childish face.

It was probably a disturbing mixture of both.

Shinju gulped, "Sweetheart, -", she started but faltered when Kurenai suddenly chimed in "You don't have to worry about anything Kazuko-chan! You see this headband with the leaf symbol engraved on it?" She pointed at said item for more emphasis.

I blinked in surprise but nonetheless nodded for her to go on.

"- It shows that I'm a Shinobi of Konohagakure. As such, I'm going to protect you and the village with my life if I have to!" she declared proudly with so much confidence, just as if she had to explain to me that water is wet.

Shinju just chuckled at her antics, "I'm sure you will."

Kurenai puffed her cheeks at that. "Anyway," she said, "I came here to give little Kazuko-chan a gift from Raidō. That idiot is too busy to show up himself and I had a debt to repay him, so here- ", she muttered while she grabbed something out of the pouch around her hip. She handed me a little box with a nice red ribbon on top of it.

I grabbed the box with my chubby little fingers but struggled to get a firm grip around it. While trying to prevent it from falling, I tucked the box under my small shirt and wrapped my arms around it to make its position more stable. After completing the task, I grinned at my own accomplishment and looked up to see Kurenai observing me with a slight frown on her face.

"Today is her first birthday, right?" Kurenai asked a little unsure.

Shinju didn't tense, no, but there was a careful note to her voice that I would have missed if I hadn't been listening for it. "Why the question?"

"Because she seems smart," she said promptly. "At least for her age," Kurenai sighed heavily and theatrically. "She'll be a threat to the Nara clan if she continues to pick things up this pace."

I gulped.

I knew this was meant to be a joke but I predicted that something like this would be said sooner or later. And I was kind of hoping for later. Or never. I guess it was my own fault for not trying harder to hold myself back. But who could really blame me for that? What were toddlers doing anyway? Besides sleeping, eating and taking a shit? Nothing.

Shinju chuckled. "She is a bright child, yes, but it's not that uncommon in Konoha-", she said carefully while looking at me in a thoughtful manner.

"You're right." the raven-haired girl replied and let the topic drop.

Well, that was surprisingly easy.

"Anyway, I have to get moving or else I'm going to be late for my next training session." Kurenai explained.

"But before I go, Kazuko-" I met her gaze. "Raidō dragged Asuma-kun and me through the whole village to find a suitable present for you." The girl grimaced at the memory, "I hope you like it!"

I blinked. Why does the name sound so familiar? Raidō. Raidō.. Raidō…

All of a sudden, there was a switch flipped in my brain and I felt like a complete idiot.

Raidō was present at the meeting where the Third Hokage announced the news of Hayate Gekkō's death, right? He is a Jounin of Konoha who serves as an elite bodyguard to the Hokage. Or he will. Doesn't matter. His surname is Namiashi too. Does this mean that we're in some sort related to each other? As far as I know, no information about his family has ever been disclosed, which made it much likely.

Unexpectedly, I felt someone squeeze my hand and it struck me then that I forgot to take a call.

I blushed a little but smiled a cheeky grin and nodded, "Thwanks, Onee-chan" I blabbered before she patted my head with a wink and left in a whirl of leaves.

"Why can't Shinobi use the door like everyone else does?" Shinju asked desperately with a sigh.

Three years later

The rain poured down on my shoulders. The grey clouds that loomed overhead darkened the area around, causing it to look like it was late in the afternoon rather than the middle of the day. My clothes were completely soaked, my hair was dripping water everywhere and I didn't care. Not one bit. A little water could never hurt you – rather it seemed to soothe me.

I licked my lips to get some water off them as a flash of lightning danced in the sky. I angled my head up so I could look out for more. Suddenly my foot slipped out from under me, sliding forward with alarming speed as it knocked me off balance.

"How many times have I told you to watch your step?" Shinju said, holding me up by the edge of my sweater.

I lowered my gaze in shame. "Sorry Kaa-chan..." I muttered, secretly cursing in my mind. It's not easy to walk with those tiny little legs of mine. Over the first year of my new life, I've developed my muscle strength and coordination, and have mastered one physical feat after another, from rolling over to sitting to crawling or scooting.

Once I nailed these skills, I was ready to move on to pulling myself up to a standing position and even cruising around a room while holding on to furniture for support. After that, it's been a matter of gaining the confidence and balance to set out on my own.

Learning to walk takes a lot of practice, which can go on for a long time. And mastering it is a major advance in my struggle to become more independent again.

Because of that, Shinju decided to finally let me leave the house for once. But instead of walking me to the playground, as I expected her to do, we were on our way to the cemetery.

I remember reading once that each of us has two deaths. The first is when we pass away. For a time our families remember us and reminisce. But with each subsequent generation, the memory of us becomes blurry. In time we are completely forgotten and that is our second death. By taking the time to visit the cemetery where your loved one is buried, you are paying your respects. It's a way to honor who they were and all that they did for you. Funny how we rush about during the holidays to buy presents and attend parties but often overlook this simple act of paying our respects and giving thanks to the ones who helped shape us.

It didn't take long to walk to the cemetery. A little longer, maybe, to find the headstone designated for Daisuke Namiashi, my biological father.

The graveyard in Konoha was so neat. Row upon row of white marble tombstones, all rising from the manicured grass. They stood erect in silence, to the left and right, in front and behind. Each one was perfect, polished and exactly the same as all of the others, except the name it bore. They were lined up perfectly with those in front and behind, a city block for the dead. Upon the hill a new grave had been dug to await its new occupant. Spiked, black fences surrounded the graveyard, trees leaning towards the stones, branches reaching out to each other. Almost like it was a prison. Gravel paths weave through the maze of graves, allowing passers-by to pay their respects to the people lined up in the earths embrace.

"Your father would have hated this place."

I looked up to Shinju, trying to read her expression. It was almost scary how she stood there, eyes cold and empty, not quite as if she was the one buried under the cold stone in front of us. A knitted blue scarf, hung around her neck loosely and it flew as the billowing wind brushed through her wet auburn hair.

"Your father, who loved everything eccentric and unique… who loved to be impulsive and could never be still a moment-", her voice cracked.

I took a step closer to her, her hand now in mine, and let her get drawn into her memories.

"He should have been safe away from the battlefield…but there was an explosion and he was given a shinobi's grave. Now he lies in this exalted place-" Shinju explained. A teardrop rolled by her cheek. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream, blending in with the rain.

Slowly, I bent down to read the gold lettering - Daisuke Namiashi - at eye level and laid the white roses down. I once read that a bouquet of white rose is a perfect way to say, "I'm thinking of you", so we bought them at the Yamanaka-flower shop shortly before it started to rain.

Shinju brushed away her tears with the back of her hand and put her other hand on the back of my shoulder.

"Kazu-chan?"

I 'hmm'ed.

"Look at all those stones, sweetie-"I slowly cast my gaze from one tombstone to another. "Each one represents a life. Marriages, divorces, losses, financial struggles, successes. We all, shinobi and civilian alike, spend our lives trying to avoid this place… but death is inevitable. I guess the trick is to live a good life." She explained cautiously.

"What is a good life?" I asked, curious to hear her answer to that.

Shinju paused and looked up towards the cloudy sky. The rainfall became less intense. At first, so much rain was falling that the sound blurred into one long, whirring noise. It reminded me of the rotor blades on a helicopter. Eventually, the noise lessened as well and the drops faded into a musical chime.

I thought she wasn't going to answer but then-

"A good life is one in which we feel loved. We take comfort in connection with others. The warmth that comes from connection makes us stronger. If we don't feel alone in the world, we feel safer."

I closed my eyes and nodded slowly at her, carefully absorbing every single word she said.

An explosion of birdsong erupted from the dripping trees and it was as if the rain had never been. Then the sun came out again, casting slanted beams of light across the meadow. Steam rose slowly from the grass. It rose up eerily and drifted mist-like towards the molten-gold sun. The image was so vivid that it stayed with me all the way home.

This is my very first story so please don't hate the terribleness of it.