CHAPTER ONE
"We've established this is where we stand, we said after this we'll just be friends."
She knew he'd be here - they do have the same friends, which of course was a blessing (when they dated), but a curse (like right now) - but it's not like she was fully prepared to see him in his stubbled-face-blue-eyed-messy-haired-glory.
She knew he'd be here, but she wishes she wasn't.
It makes her stomach clench in a painful and uncomfortable way and all she wants to do is run and hide and leave.
Her dress is too tight (although, it's Ruby's fault for that: "Emma make him realize what he's missing") and she's not really in the mood to be downing shot after shot (although, now that she sees him, that might change sooner than later).
All of these, factored in with the fact Killian showed up with a blue-eyed-brunette (oh, so he liked brunettes now?), made Emma feel like suffering through a lecture on the Dewey Decimal system would be better torture.
"Are you sure you're OK?"
Emma feels a hand squeeze her own and she looks up to find Mary-Margaret staring at her, concern etched all over her face.
Emma just smiles polite and nods, "I'm fine."
It's a lie, but who is she to ruin this party? Besides, Victor's just got his acceptance to medical school and it's opening night for Ruby's new restaurant (Granny's), and David got a promotion at the station and, really who is she to bring everyone down just because despite how much she doesn't care that Killian is here and Killian is happy, she does care.
"Really, Mary-Margaret. I'm just tired from work. I'm having fun, don't worry."
It's been three months since their break-up. Three months since their bitter words and the violent way she packed her bags and stormed out of his apartment. Three months since he tried to apologize with flowers and stood underneath Ruby's window, with a guitar, to coax Emma to come out. Three months since she threw the ring he gave her out the window only to have the music stop and the sound of a car speed away.
It's been three months since they talked.
It's been three months since she let him go.
And despite her pride and her walls and the fact that she did love him, so, so, so, much she knows she's broken. Knows she's damaged goods. Knows she's just an orphan and knows better than to touch things that don't belong to her.
But even though she knows all this.
It still hurts.
"So where's the new beau?"
The familiar voice makes Emma freeze. Internally she yells at herself. She doesn't want him to know he still affects her. Damn this inconsiderate bartender and his ability to take her order as fast as possible. She wants to run.
Instead she turns to her right to come face to face with blue eyes. Eyes she used to drown in. She really wants to run.
"Walsh? He couldn't make it," she replies cooly, tapping her fingers impatiently on the mahogany counter top.
"Ah, that's too bad."
"Yeah, I guess it is. I really wanted him to meet everyone, but he had work."
She hopes her neutral voice would indicate she wants the conversation to end, wants him to just leave her alone, like he has the past few months, like how she's used to.
"Ruby told me he seems like a good guy."
Of course he had heard it from Ruby. Knowing her friend, Ruby would do anything to make Killian regret what happened months ago. Emma isn't surprised.
She nods, "He is."
"Well, I-I'm happy for you."
Killian plays with the back of his ear, a nervous tic Emma had picked up on only a week after knowing him.
"I'm happy for you, too," Emma adds. "Your date's very…pretty."
Killian's face turns red, "Yeah, Milah's a co-worker of mine, just got out of a bad marriage…thought I'd bring her along, let her have some fun again."
"Well, look at you, always trying to play hero. Don't go crushing her heart either, now."
Before she can stop it, the words are out of her mouth and they both freeze. The silence and tension between them could be cut with a knife.
She really, really, really wants to run now.
"I'm…I'm sorry, I didn't-"
"It's OK," he responds. "I probably deserved that."
She just nods. She doesn't really know what to say, doesn't know where to look, and decidedly plants her eyes on her feet.
"Look, Emma, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the break-up…of how it ended, I shouldn't, I shouldn't have…well, if it's any consolation can we just be friends?"
She looks up at him at that moment, the blueness of his eyes looking so sincere, so hurt, so sorry.
She wants to laugh and cry and laugh some more, because really, what exes are ever "friends" after a break-up. How could she be just friends with him?
She really, really, really, really wants to run.
"Please."
The one word pulls her from her fears, her walls come up, and her eyes turn cold.
"Why would you want to be friends with a 'girl who's too broken to love' anyway?"
It's the same words he tossed at her those three months ago.
And the sting still hasn't gone away.
Emma doubts it ever will.
But before the guilt-filled look in his eyes makes her cave and fall into his arms because deep down she knows those words hurt only because she loved him, because she still cares, she turns and walks away.
"I-I hope things go well with your new guy."
She hears the remnants of his voice chase her as she makes her way back to the table, only to politely say goodbye to her friends, and walk out the door.
Who is he to really say that to her?
What does he know?
She's a fool, she thinks as she gets into a taxi. A fool because how could things possibly ever work out with a nice guy who owns a business and texts her nice words and sends her flowers at work? How could Killian ever wish that for her when deep down she knows - and she knows he knows too - things could never work out with Walsh - because Walsh isn't Killian.
And while she loves that, she hates it all the same.