A/N – Ha, my first post in a long absence from writing anything. Please bear with me if it's horrible. (First time attempting 2nd person.) My entry to the October Challenge at the Jello-Forever forum. Inspired by a song, strawberry to whoever can guess what it is. Dedicated to tromana, thanks for the advice. :)
Disclaimer – I totally own it. You know, the Season 1 DVDs. Nothing else though.
Nights are usually a silent, lonely event, when everybody else is sound asleep in their own beds and I lay wide awake.
Waiting for the memories to occupy my restless mind.
Waiting for the tears to come.
Waiting for the inconsolable thought that I will never see their smiling faces again, except in my dreams.
Even then, when I am able to drift to another far off place, the happy memories aren't the ones waiting for me. Insomnia keeps the demons at bay, so I haven't gotten much sleep in days. I lie awake, wishing I could feel her arms around me again, wishing I could whisper sweet nothings into her ear, wishing I could wake up to the sight of her sleeping peacefully beside me.
The silence isn't so bad. Until I look down and see the gold band sitting there. And see the spaces between my fingers reminding me of how hers used to fit there so perfectly. Reminding me how alone I truly am.
There are times when I can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders raised, as if by an angel. They are fleeting and rare, but they exist. And immediately after they are lifted, the guilt comes crashing down, ripping back open the gaping hole in my icy heart.
Reaching through the past, I wish I could tell her so many things. I wish I could tell her how much I miss her. I wish I could hug them both and never let go. Most of all, I wish I could go back and freeze time, before my mistake cost me everything I ever loved.
They are but moments in time now, memories stored in my mind, instances that came and went. The only thing of them I have of them. And nostalgia hits me again, with a flood of memories rushing through.
The first time I laid eyes on her.
When I proposed, and when she said yes.
Finding out we were pregnant with our first baby.
Holding that little girl in my hands.
Taking her to school on the first day.
Then the memory of the red face on the wall appears, unexpectedly, and sends shivers down my spine. The taunting message left behind, ignites a fiery hot flame, with a vow for vengeance. Tears cloud my eyes, as I choke out a sob, the first of the night in a line of many to come.
Blinking away the tears, a different vision appears. One that sends a soothing calmness through me. She's looking at me, smiling softly, and seeing me for who I really am. Not just some crazy man hell-bent on seeking revenge.
I see her standing in font of me and I know that everything is going to be okay. That somehow, I will be okay. Because as long as she's around, things can't go wrong. She protects me from the wrath of others and more importantly, she protects me from myself. I'm not sure why she has a certain effect on me, just as she probably doesn't realize that she does.
A grin spreads across my face, when I see that she doesn't budge, forcing me to walk towards her, taking a metaphoric step forwards. Surprisingly, I don't feel frozen in my past, chained to the memories I long to keep. The iciness I have surrounding me seems to melt the closer I get to her. Of course it's all a metaphor and means nothing. Right?
Then it hits me. Those fleeting instances when I feel a rush of happiness again. Each of those times it's when I'm around her. The times I make her smile, the sound of her laugh, the briefest touches that burn my skin where it makes contact with her. Suddenly, I'm filled to the core with a warm sensation, reminiscing on the present.
Finally, I close my eyes and I am able to sleep without nightmares inhabiting my mind. Finally, I can dream of happy memories; some of the past, some of the present, and some of what is yet to come. Maybe having 'little miss fierce' in my life is a good thing. It gives me something to look forward to, instead of always looking to the past.
*Reviews are loved, concric is appreciated. And go check out Jello-Forever if you want to see what the fuss is about with our silly challenges.