"Hey Eli what about these?"
I held some cracked, empty CD cases up over my shoulder for Eli to see, since he was working on a pile in the other side of his room.
"Huh? Oh, no."
I turned around to face him. The second I met his eyes he looked away and gulped, turning back to his pile.
"Why can't we throw these out?" I asked softly.
He shrugged and didn't look at me.
"Do they have anything to do with Julia?"
He flinched when I said her name and gave me a sad look.
"Maybe. They could you know, and maybe I'm just forgetting what it is. I should probably keep them just in case. Maybe she suggested them to me or something." He looked at me hopefully, praying to me silently to let him keep them.
But I knew I couldn't. We'd been making so much progress lately, and I knew Eli could get rid of these old, useless things.
I crawled across the floor till I was sitting next to him.
"Eli…I really don't think these have any importance."
"But what if Julia…"
"These are just cases Eli. The songs Julia would've liked are safely on your iPod where they will stay. These broken cases wouldn't mean anything to her, and they shouldn't mean anything to you either."
I tried to explain it to him in a gentle, rational way, but I knew whenever it came to cleaning his room Eli was anything but rational.
He didn't say anything for a second, and then he snatched the cases from my hand and held them to his chest.
I narrowed my eyes. "Eli…"
He looked at me, pouting with a forlorn look in his eyes.
It breaks my heart, but I know that if I really love him I have to be forceful.
"Eli, give them to me."
It took him a second but he finally handed them over. Even then I had to pry his fingers off the plastic, but he didn't try to stop me as I placed them in a trash bag.
The bag was full then, which was a HUGE accomplishment for Eli, and I set it outside his door.
I shut his door and smiled at him. "You filled a whole bag Eli." I said happily. "You're really making progress!"
He looked at me like I was an idiot for being happy.
He stood up slowly, wrapped his arms around his chest, and walked over to his bed. He collapsed in the fetal position, his head facing away from me.
"Eli, this is good." I said, trying to cheer him up.
I walked over and sat down on his bed, rubbing his back softly through his shirt.
He remained tense and I sighed, putting my hands on my hips in frustration. I'm not upset with Eli, just upset that I can never seem to say or do the right thing when he's like this. I don't wanna go too easy on him, but I don't wanna hurt him either.
"Eli will you look at me?"
He shook his head and buried his face into his bed.
I heard a shaky sigh rip forth from his throat before he could conceal it; and that's when I figured out that he was crying.
"Eli…you don't have to be embarrassed or afraid to cry in front of me." I whispered softly, and then began playing with his hair.
He sat up then and finally turned to look at me.
As I suspected, tears were rolling down his face and his eyes were puffy and red.
He didn't say anything and neither did I, I just opened my arms and he took the hint.
He buried his face into my chest and cried quietly. He wasn't sobbing, but he was just upset enough to get his tear ducts working.
His body shook and I could tell that he was probably having an anxiety attack. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly; planting soft kisses on the top of his head.
"I love you Eli. And I'm so proud of you." I murmured softly.
He looked up at my face then and I could see my love reciprocated in his eyes.
"Thank you Clare…I love you too. I wouldn't be able to do this without you, but even with you…it's so hard…" He bit his lip and tears welled in his eyes again.
He moved his hands to cover up his face but I pulled them away and held them gently in mine. I stood on my knees and leaned in to kiss the tears away from his eyes slowly. I sopped up the salty water with my lips. Letting my eye lashes rub against his cheeks, and rubbing my lips over the wet spots and the corners of his eyes.
"I know it is." I whispered, and I gripped his hand. He gripped me back tightly and my hand shook with his. "But you're getting better every day." I reminded him.
His breathing became shaky and frequent again and I thought he was going to start crying, but then he pulled away from me and heaved a few troubled breaths, clutching the bed covers in his hands.
"Damn it." He cursed, and he pursed his lips in frustration, trying to will his mind and body to stop his attack.
"Can we take a break from cleaning?" He asked me.
I didn't hesitate to answer. "Of course Eli, definitely, you deserve one."
He smiled at me in thanks but he didn't talk because his breathing was still so labored. Eventually he got it back under control but he still looked pained.
"The anxious feeling in my chest is still there….it's driving me crazy." He complained and I ruffled his hair.
"What did your therapist say you should do to control the attacks?"
His therapist didn't want to give him medicine at first; he wanted to see if other, less dangerous and addictive ways would be able to work for Eli.
"Uh…I don't know."
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I thought you said that's what you guys talked about yesterday."
"Well yeah…I mean we did come up with something…a kind of stress relieving technique, something to make me feel good."
"So let's do that." I said. Eli's eyes lit up when I said that and he smirked deviously, but he wiped the expression off his face so quickly that I didn't have time to question it.
He shook his head. "I don't think so Clare."
"Why not?" I asked.
He blushed a little and wouldn't meet my eyes. "It's kinda embarrassing."
"Eli you can tell me anything; you don't have to be embarrassed." I reassured him.
He sighed. "Clare, if I tell you, you'll be embarrassed too. I think I'll just…angst this attack out." He said. I didn't want him to have to do that, so I grabbed his hand and waited till he met my eyes to speak.
"Eli, you can tell me anything. I just want to help you, I won't be embarrassed, I promise."
He chuckled a little under his breath. "Okay fine. My therapist told me that a good way to feel better when I'm anxious is to…"
He stopped and I nodded at him, wanting him to go on. "To…? Come on Eli, just say it." I pleaded.
He sighed. "To masturbate."
My mouth fell open before I could stop it, but I tried to close it again quickly since I promised I wouldn't be embarrassed.
"Oh…" I squeaked. I couldn't control the sound of my voice or the blush that ran to my cheeks though.
"I told you you'd be embarrassed." He said, smirking a little. His cheeks were red too, but probably not as bad as mine. And then again, it could just be from the crying.
"Well…does that…you know, work? To relieve stress?" I asked quietly, not daring to meet his eyes.
"Yup."
I looked up to see him biting his lip and when he caught me looking he blushed.
"But I obviously can't do it right now. I mean, I've never masturbated in front of anyone before, I feel like that would be awkward. It's different if a girl…you know, like…takes care of it for me, but…I couldn't do it in front of you, or anyone." He mumbled awkwardly and I felt bad.
"Well…you could always run to the bathroom…?" I suggested, then felt my cheeks burn at how ridiculous that sounded. How could Eli comfortably masturbate with me in the other room knowing exactly what he was doing?
The look he gave me mirrored these thoughts and I giggled nervously. "Sorry, that was stupid."
He laughed and shook his head. "It's fine. Like I said, it's an embarrassing topic so…let's just forget I ever brought it up, okay?"
I nodded and looked away, hugging my knees to my chest. We sat in silence for a few moments, and I could see that Eli's hands were still shaking. His neck muscles were straining as he gulped for air, and I could tell he was still having an attack.
I really don't want him to feel bad…
I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair nervously.
"Eli…I can tell you're still feeling bad. Would you…like me to…take care of it for you?"
He looked at me and his pupils dilated before my gaze. But he closed his eyes and shook his head.
"No, you don't have to Clare. I don't want to pressure you."
"But…I want you to feel better." I wasn't entirely sure if I was ready to touch Eli like that yet, but this would be a good way to find out. And I feel guilty for pressing the subject.
"I'd rather feel bad than feel like a douche bag." He said, and smirked at me.
I smiled at him sadly. "Thank you."
He nodded, and laid down on his bed with his arms behind his head. He stared off into space for a moment and then his eyes widened as they met his lower body. He crossed his legs but I'd noticed it before he did.
He looked at me and I could tell he knew I'd seen it too.
"Sorry Clare. Your offer…it made me a little excited."
"It's fine." I said nervously, not daring to meet his eyes. Unfortunately, that meant my eyes traveled down to his lower area and I saw his erection protruding through his tight jeans.
It must've been uncomfortable, and I felt even worse for starting this whole thing. But at the same time I couldn't help but notice his size and I felt somewhat pleased.
What?
How can I possibly have thoughts like that? I shouldn't be thinking about Eli in that way…right? I suppose it's only natural to want him like that and…maybe I do a little. But I'm nowhere near being ready to act on those little desires that race through my veins every so often.
That race through my veins when I'm…
My eyes widened and I couldn't help but gulp when I thought of a way to make Eli feel more comfortable about this whole situation.
"I do it too." I blurted out before I could stop myself.
I buried my face into my knees and wouldn't look up even if my life depended on it. I could hear Eli sitting up on the bed, but he didn't say anything.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I took a peak at his face.
He looked confused.
"Do what?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing.
Is he really going to make me SAY IT?
"I…you know…masturbate." I whispered the last part so softly that I wasn't even sure Eli heard me. But the shocked expression on his face told me that he did.
"Really?" He asked in disbelief.
My cheeks reddened even further. "What's so strange about that? You do it, you said it yourself!"
"No Clare, that's not what I meant…it's not strange it's actually…."
He trailed off and bit his lip.
"It's what?" I asked, fearing what he was going to say.
"Really, really hot."
My eyes widened in disbelief. "Seriously?" That wasn't the reaction he expected at all.
He nodded immediately. "The thought of you touching yourself is a HUGE turn on." He said, his pupils dilating.
"Eli!" I exclaimed.
"Sorry Clare, but I mean…"
He trailed off and looked down, I followed his gaze. If I thought he was hard before it was nothing compared to what he looks like now.
"God damn it." He cursed, placing his pillow over his crotch.
I narrowed my eyes at him and he groaned. "Sorry." He muttered. "I'm just…I'm gonna put on some sweat pants." He mumbled awkwardly and went to open up his dresser. He pulled out a pair of gray sweat pants and turned around so his back was facing me. He threw off his jeans and replaced them with his more roomy pants, then sat back down.
I giggled a little. It was weird…but I was almost…flattered.
"What's funny?" He asked.
"It's just…I thought you were gonna be freaked out when I told you…but it actually turned you on." I murmured, my face once again covered with blush.
"Well yeah Clare, but…I do have one question."
"Yes?" I asked curiously.
"So…have you ever had an orgasm before?"
I blushed profusely and wouldn't meet his eyes. "Eli, that's personal!"
"And masturbation isn't?"
I sighed. "Yes, I have."
I looked over at him finally, and he looked deep in thought.
"Why do you ask?"
He shook his head. "You'll slap me."
My eyes widened in curiosity. "Now you HAVE to tell me."
He sighed. "It's just…I don't know, I certainly don't mind in the least but part of me was hoping I'd give you your first."
My mouth dropped in shock. "Eli…"
He raised his arms protectively. "Please don't hit me!"
I giggled. "Don't worry, I won't. That's actually…sweet."
He blushed a little and smiled. "Thanks."
I took a deep breath. "I do want you to be my first time Eli. You know that, right?"
The smile he gave me was so beautiful that I felt my heart flutter.
"Well a guy can hope, but I didn't actually know. Really Clare?"
I nodded. "And I know it won't be yours, but I still hope it will be special."
"Of course it will be Clare!" He tilted my chin up so I was forced to look at him.
"I promise you, I'll go out of my way to make it amazing for you. I love you Clare, and I'll cherish our first time together just as much as you will."
I smiled. "That makes me happy."
He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear and placed a kiss on my forehead.
"Whenever you're ready Clare, it can happen. And I'll wait till then."
He swooped his face down and captured my lips in his and I kissed him back, moaning wantonly. I couldn't help it, the fact that I now knew he wanted me just as much as I wanted him was too much to handle.
He pulled away finally and grinned, pressing his forehead to mine. I could still feel his calm, slow breath mingle with mine.
"So…you don't feel anxious anymore?" I asked hopefully.
He shook his head. "I've never been better."
He pulled me to him and I buried my face in his neck, sighing happily.
"So Clare…when you do it do you think about me?"
-x-x-x
xD Hope you enjoyed!