Trigger Warning: This story includes mention of the death a minor character, accidental and self-defense killings, suicidal ideation, and the planning of a suicide. Assuming readers have already read The Hunger Games trilogy, they are familiar with these subjects being part of THG fan fiction; I add this warning so readers will be aware that this story is darker in nature than my usual (generally upbeat) fics.
Even though life is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. – Helen Keller
What time was her appointment? Katniss should have written it down instead of trying to remember it. Her brain was mush, nothing of importance stayed inside her head unless it was some fact associated with the killing.
Was she supposed to meet the doctor at five o'clock or was it six? She could call to confirm the time, but it was too much trouble. It would be easier to show up at five and wait the extra hour if she was wrong. At any rate, Dr. Aurelius' waiting area was likely air-conditioned. At least she'd be comfortable in this sweltering heat.
Summer used to be her favorite season, but after the events of the previous year Katniss wished she could erase if permanently from her life. Last summer had started out good - she'd gotten a job at the recreation center teaching swimming and archery, and helping out at the various day camps the center operated.
Even though she wasn't a particularly sociable person, she'd become friendly with her co-workers. She'd even begun to date one, a tall, dark, and handsome guy named Gale.
But late one afternoon as she returned from teaching a class at the archery range, she stumbled upon a robbery. In shock, she'd witnessed a man point a gun at her co-worker Rue, who was standing behind the register at the front counter. After Rue handed over the contents of the register, he fired the gun and Rue crumpled.
Instinctively Katniss pulled an arrow from the quiver on her back and nocked it onto her bowstring. When the robber turned to leave, his eyes widened at the sight of her. He raised his weapon again, and without hesitation Katniss let the arrow fly.
The events afterward were a blur. The police questioned her; but her actions were called self-defense. She was deemed a hero by the press, but she didn't feel like one.
Katniss returned to college in the fall, hoping to put the incident behind her, but ended up dropping out mid-semester because she couldn't concentrate. She'd lost a good friend in Rue, and a budding relationship with Gale because he couldn't understand why she was so angry and depressed.
Katniss retreated to her bed. But her mother, a widowed nurse who was familiar with the toll depression could incur, was unwilling to let her only child become housebound.
She dragged Katniss to a variety of doctors and therapists. Some had given her medications to deal with the emotions she couldn't face. While the pills helped a little, after a time Katniss stopped taking them because she didn't like the side effects.
Her most recent therapist, who had the nerve to tell her that she was beyond his professional abilities, had recommended Dr. Aurelius. However, Katniss was tired of the merry-go-around she was on. If she didn't feel better soon, she was going to take care of things herself.
She couldn't live any more with the mental turmoil that consumed her. She couldn't go more than five minutes without replaying that awful moment.
The doctor's office was on the ground floor. At 4:55 p.m., Katniss opened the door cautiously, her eyes taking in the waiting area. A couple of chairs and a love seat surrounded a coffee table on which dozens of magazines were heaped.
She'd hoped the room was empty - that would mean that her appointment was at five – but a stocky, blond-haired guy that looked to be her own age, sat on the couch, thumbing idly through a cooking magazine.
Scowling, she entered and sat on the chair across from him. Her appointment must be at six. Now she'd have to wait an hour. But perhaps she was wrong. Maybe he was waiting for the person that was presently with the doctor.
He lifted his head to look at her. His blue eyes caught hers and a warm smile appeared on his face. "Hi," he greeted her.
Katniss nodded at him and reached for a magazine, eager to avoid any conversation. She opened the cover of the glossy publication that featured an attractive couple lounging on deck chairs on a sandy beach. She glowered as she flipped through pages that featured perfect people with perfect lives and big fat wallets.
Who the hell would aspire to this trivial life?
It flashed through her mind that only a year ago, she had similar aspirations.
The door opened and a middle-aged woman with straight gray hair and tears in her eyes came out, followed by a tall man with glasses.
"See you next week, Alma," the man said as the woman headed toward the door.
The man, who must be Dr. Aurelius, looked to the guy on the love seat. "Good to see you Peeta. You can come in now."
Dr. Aurelius gave Katniss a curious glance.
Flustered, she tossed the magazine onto the table. "I'm your 6 p.m. appointment. I got the time wrong."
"I can wait until six if you want to see her first," the guy on the sofa said. "I've got nothing better to do."
Dr. Aurelius frowned. "No, I like to keep to my schedule. I'll see you in an hour, my dear."
The blond guy gave Katniss a sheepish smile before going into the doctor's office. Dr. Aurelius shut the door firmly.
Katniss sighed. Now I have an hour to kill. Well I'm not going to spend it reading magazines.
Getting up from the chair, she went over to the love seat and laid down on it, curling her knees up into her chest. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.
When she woke up, she was clammy, her face and body drenched with sweat. Dr. Aurelius stood over her and behind him was the five o'clock patient.
"Are you all right?" the doctor asked. "You were screaming out here."
Katniss righted herself to a seated position. "I had a nightmare."
"I get those too," the blond guy blurted out.
"See you next week, Peeta," the doctor said, dismissing him.
"Let's go into my office to talk."
Repeating her story yet again to Dr. Aurelius took up almost all of Katniss' allotted time. A sinking feeling came over her. This fool couldn't help. In fact, he appeared to be sleeping.
When she finished speaking, his eyes opened. She looked to him hoping for some sage wisdom. But the doctor rubbed his hand on his chin, like he was quelling an itch.
"I don't know what to do, how to get past this," Katniss said.
"It's simple. Chop wood. Carry water. I can see you next week at the same time."
A rush of anger came over her.
What the hell? Chop wood. Carry water. What does that even mean?
Without saying a word, she got up and left his office.
I'm never going back there. I might as well go home and plan my suicide.
The muggy air hit her as soon as she left the building. Sweat trickled down her face. She walked toward the bus stop.
Damn it's hot.
Ahead of her stood Starbucks. Katniss didn't have any extra money besides her bus fare, but maybe she could get a cup of cold water inside. Cool air enveloped her as she entered.
She looked toward the counter, taking in the familiar configuration that was at the heart of all of her nightmares- a teenaged girl standing behind a cash register.
Panic came over her, and bile rose in her throat. "Oh no," Katniss gasped. She turned and ran from the coffee shop. She stood, bent over the planting bed dry heaving when a hand lightly touched her shoulder.
"No," she screamed turning to face the stranger and pummel him. When she looked up from the broad chest she'd struck it was into the blue eyes of the guy from Dr. Aurelius' office.
Peter, no Peeta, what the hell was his name?
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Katniss took a step backwards, into the planting bed, crushing a yellow dandelion beneath her foot. "No, I'm not."
He nodded solemnly. "Was that your first visit to Dr. Aurelius?"
It was none of his business, but she couldn't help but answer. "Yes."
His face was grim. "It can be a bit overwhelming confessing to your crime."
Crime? How does he know?
"Are you thirsty?"
She wiped the sweat from her face with her hand. "Yeah."
"Let's get you something then." He pointed toward the door.
Katniss bit her lip. She didn't want to go back inside and relive the flashback yet again, but maybe it would be easier with someone by her side.
"Okay. I'll allow it."
A laughing smile came to his lips. "Excellent."
She followed him back inside and up to the counter.
"What would you like?"
"Tap water. I don't have any…"
"My treat," he interrupted. "How about ice tea?"
She frowned. The last thing she wanted to do was to accept a drink from him. Wouldn't that mean she'd have to sit and talk with him while she drank it?
"One venti ice tea," he told the cashier.
Wasn't venti, a large? Now she'd have to sit with him even longer.
"Aren't you getting something?" she asked, when he pulled out his wallet to pay.
"I already had a cold drink."
Once she got her ice tea, he guided her to a table by the window. As soon as she sat down, she watched her bus go past.
Oh, no. Now I'll have to wait thirty minutes for the next one. What are we going to talk about?
"I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Peeta."
Katniss took a sip from the straw.
So it is Peeta. Weird name.
He looked at her expectantly and she realized the polite thing to do would be to tell him her name.
"I'm Katniss."
"What an interesting name. I think you're the first Katniss I ever met."
How am I going to get through this conversation?
"Are you having trouble sleeping?"
Katniss nodded.
"I have the same problem."
He fell silent and Katniss wondered why he was seeing Dr. Aurelius. Girlfriend dumped him? Got cut from a sports team? Flunked a class? Lost a job?
Likely something insignificant. Nothing like what's happened to me.
"Are you going to the camp out?" Peeta asked. "I've never been camping. Personally, I'm kind of nervous."
Katniss eyes narrowed. "I don't know what you're talking about."
A hint of color appeared on Peeta's cheeks. He licked his lips.
"Sorry, I thought that's why you were seeing Dr. Aurelius. The camping weekend is a big part of his therapy program."
Katniss shook her head in confusion.
Peeta's voice sounded nervous as he explained. "Every couple of months, the doctor takes a few patients on a camp out over a weekend. It's a kind of group therapy session."
Katniss shook her head. "He didn't mention it."
Not that I want to go camping with a bunch of strangers upset over some bump in their stupid lives.
When she was younger, Katniss had gone camping with her parents every summer, usually at a state or national park. But she hadn't set foot in the woods ever since her Dad had died ten years earlier. Funnily enough, Gale had talked about the two of them possibly going camping together. Not that her mother would have approved of her traipsing off to the woods with some guy she'd just begun to date.
"Maybe Dr. Aurelius will invite you to go on his next one."
Like I intend to stick around so I can go on some dumb camp out.
"I still have to get a sleeping bag. There won't be any tents. We're sleeping under the stars."
Katniss put a fixed smile on her face and nodded at Peeta's rambling, but while her body was physically in a chair at Starbucks, her mind had drifted away to a memory of her father showing her how to build a campfire. For a moment she could even smell the scent of burning wood.
"Would you be interested in going, Katniss?"
She blinked a few times and stared at Peeta's expectant face.
"What?"
"You should ask Dr. Aurelius about it. It's supposed to be an excellent way to jump start healing."
I'll never be healed. I watched my co-worker die in front of me. I took her killer's life. No one can understand how I feel.
The echo of voices floated through her head – her mother, her other co-workers, the police.
"It was self-defense," Gale had yelled at her when they broke up. "If you hadn't shot him with your bow, you'd be dead, too."
It would be better if I were dead.
"Have you ever been camping?" Peeta asked.
She nodded, too tired to talk about it.
"Good. Maybe you can help, then. The doctor gave me a list of what to pack." He pulled a folded paper from his pocket and opened it, smoothing it out on the table, before passing it over to her.
"Can you suggest anything else?"
Katniss picked up the list of supplies, and glanced over it. It was all standard stuff.
She set it down on the table and shoved it toward Peeta. "Nope. It looks good."
"Thanks." Peeta picked up the list and folded it up, shoving it into his back pant's pocket.
"It probably sounds strange but even planning for this trip has caused me to stop obsessing about the other stuff a little."
Really?
She wanted to slap his face hard.
What does he know about personal suffering?
Katniss stood up suddenly. "Thanks for the tea, but I have to go. I don't want to miss my bus."
She had plenty of time to wait, twenty minutes at least, but she couldn't sit with Peeta any longer. Couldn't listen to him babble on about how a camping trip would fix his life and make everything hunky dory.
It will never be good again.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Katniss' mother turned on the overhead light in the bedroom. "How'd your session go?"
Blinded by the brightness, Katniss blinked several times before looking to the bedside table. The clock read midnight. Her mother must have just gotten home from work.
"That doctor is terrible. His eyes were closed the entire time I was talking. I'm not going back."
Her mother cleared her throat. "You have to, honey." Her voice was weary.
A momentary detachment came over Katniss, and she saw herself through her mother's eyes.
What am I going to do with my daughter who has made a nest from grief and depression, and refuses to leave it?
Katniss mentally responded to her mother's imagined plea. Let me go.
Turning her back on her mother, Katniss pulled the blanket over her head. She wished she could fall asleep - that remedy had worked for months - but she wasn't tired tonight.
It must have been that damn ice tea.
Her mind flew back to Peeta. What is his problem? Why is he even in counseling?
Idly she wondered how Peeta and the doctor's other patients would fare in their "so-called" camp out.
For a second she considered the foolish mistakes they'd probably make. It might be petty, but the thought brought a smile to her face, the first in a long while. Eventually she fell asleep.
xxxxxxxxx
The week passed surprisingly quickly, which was unusual because staring off into space usually made time drag. Although Katniss had no intentions to see Dr. Aurelius again, her mother insisted upon it. "If you want to continue to live in this house, you need to work toward getting better."
Katniss made sure that she didn't arrive early again, so she wouldn't have to see Peeta. She opened the door to the waiting room at 6:01 p.m. and watched as a fierce-looking woman exited the doctor's office. For some reason, a momentary disappointment coursed through Katniss that it wasn't Peeta.
She pushed the feeling aside as the woman, with spiky hair, a nose ring, and a large tattoo of an axe on her forearm threw her a dark look.
What's her problem? Probably lost her job due to scaring the customers.
Katniss gave the woman a scowl, following Dr. Aurelius into his office for her second session.
After his first comment she was convinced he'd completely forgotten everything she told him the previous week. He'd asked, "What do you like to do for fun?"
Her eyes grew big and she couldn't talk for a moment so stunned at his words.
Fun? I don't deserve to have fun. I killed someone.
He stared at her so intently that it made her uncomfortable. She blurt out, "Nothing."
The doctor snorted. "I'm sure you had interests at one time."
After an awkward silence, she mumbled. "Sports, I guess. I was on a couple of teams in high school – the track team, the swim team, and I was captain of the archery team. My dad taught me how to use the bow. He used to carve bows for collectors as a side business."
"Did he make the bow you used..."
So maybe Dr. Aurelius had paid some attention to her last week.
"The police kept it. Not that I wanted it back anyway."
Not when my most prized possession has become a murder weapon.
"I don't think I'll ever hold a bow again."
"That's a shame."
Katniss' head snapped as she turned to look at the doctor.
"Why would you think I'd want to shoot again? It would only cause flashbacks."
"I thought you were already having flashbacks anyway."
His comment was perplexing because it caused her to veer off the narrow path she'd been on for the past eleven months. What difference did it make whether or not she ever practiced archery again? She was reliving the event every day of her life already.
The doctor rubbed at his eyes. "How do you envision your life continuing?"
I don't.
But she was smart enough to keep her mouth shut about that. It would only land her in a psych ward somewhere, drugged up and existing in a twilight haze.
Instead, Katniss mumbled, "I don't know."
The entire session was like that – the doctor asking her inane questions and Katniss trying to come up with some kind of answer.
Katniss wanted to lash out at someone when she walked out the door. She almost wished Peeta was waiting at Starbucks for her so she could yell at him. But it would be like fighting with a puppy. He could never understand what she'd gone through. The pain she suffered. No one could.
Instead she got onto the bus and glared at all the passengers as she took her seat.
This is it; I'm not going back.
But later that night while her mother slept, Katniss woke up suddenly, thinking about archery. There was only one bow left in the house – the one her father used. The memory of the way the polished wood felt beneath her hands caused her to get out of bed in search of it.
Where does Mom keep it?
Katniss found it on a top shelf in the entryway closet. Pulling it down she sat in the dark on the living room floor and ran her hands along the curve of the wood.
Memories of her father flooded her thoughts. What would her dad have made of everything that had happened to her? It was almost as if she could hear his voice telling her that everything would be okay.
Tears slid down her face and she lay down on the carpet and clutched the bow to her chest, and drifted off to sleep.
xxxxxxx
Thankfully, her mother didn't ask her why she was sleeping on the living room floor clutching her father's bow.
However, a couple of days later, her mother came to her with a request. "Dr. Aurelius called. He's taking some of his patients camping this weekend."
Katniss' throat tightened. Why is she telling me this?
"Apparently there's been a cancellation. He's got an open slot and he thinks you'd be a good candidate to attend."
Katniss' face grew red. "I'm not going."
"I already told him you would."
Her eyes blazed. "What?"
"You've always liked the outdoors. Nature can be a great healer."
"You don't understand. I just can't do it. It will be too painful."
Her mother sighed. "I'm sure it will hurt, but you've got to keep moving if you want to get better. You've been lying around the house for almost a year. It's time to dip your toe back into the river of life. This could be the start. Please do it or I don't know what I'm going to do."
With her mother's unmentioned threat hanging over her, Katniss gave in. Not to please her mother but because it gave her an idea. The woods had once been her savior. If her last vision of the world was the view she saw of the blue sky filtered through the branches of a tree. Well, that wouldn't be a bad view to see… in a way it was kind of poetic.
Idly she wondered if Peeta had been the person who had cancelled. He'd been as giddy as a boy scout when he was talking about the trip, but he wasn't at the doctor's office last week - maybe he'd convinced himself that it was too much.
Katniss left a good-bye letter for her mother underneath her clothes in one of her dresser drawers. It was easy to write. She'd been mentally writing it for months already.
She packed a bottle of pills – the ones she'd stopped taking - and a small knife. She didn't know exactly how she would do it, but she'd figure something out while she was there.