How does one even time travel so badly that they don't even end up in Texas anymore? I really need to get to grips on this crappy time traveling power. The plan won't really work if I accidently send Dirk and Roxy into the prehistoric era or something because of my shitty time powers that I have to learn how to control. Rose would kill me if something like that happened. Ha, bet ya Dirk will be able to kick a dinosaur's ass any day of the week.
Crap. I don't even know where I am. It's cold, so it's the opposite of where my crappy apartment it. Everything in this goddamned place looks the same too. Why the fuck would a bunch of people want to build a neighborhood full of just white houses? There aren't even numbers on them. Do people just memorize the general area of where they live here? There aren't even any fucking landmarks to go by? Do they count the houses as they go to work or something? And my stupid timetables are still charging a bit. That's what you get when you can't alchemize things and have to rely on Rose's ancient magic shit. Goddamn it's cold. I knew I shouldn't had worn this suit today.
Why aren't there even any benches in this place? What, does no one sit here in this goddamn place? I guess not. I haven't seen a single soul for the last thirty minutes I've been walking here. At least I could have looked somewhat ironic by sitting on some bench instead of walking around like some kind of loser.
Oh my god. It's a thing. It's an ugly pogo thing, but it's a thing. At least I know I'm not going in circles now. God, yes. I have never been happier in my life to see a green pogo thing in my life. Now I can stare at it instead of these dumb white houses that all look the same.
"Dad, I'm going out to check the mail!" a voice called out. I froze and diverted my attention away from the green pogo. I should have known.
John fucking Egbert. How the hell did I manage to go so far in time that I'm now in some alternate time world where John is younger than me? Did I go to his past? What the hell is happening?
"Whoa, dude, you look totally awesome in that suit!" his squeaky voice broke me out from my trance and I looked at him. He couldn't have been older than ten years old at this point. Much older than Dirk then. Fuck. I don't know how to deal with kids this age. I can barely handle taking care with Dirk. Though, to be honest, Dirk is probably the most advanced baby in history.
"Uh, yeah. If you couldn't tell, I'm pretty important," I said. For once, I'm glad the paparazzi bombarge me with random questions twenty-four seven. If not, I would be a stuttering mess right now. Seriously, how the fuck did I mess up this badly?
"Well obviously. That red suit totally says that. What are you then? A bigshot millionaire or something?"
"Actually, I'm a movie director, and –"
"Movie director?! Oh my god, do you the movie Con-Air with Nick Cage in it?" God no. "It is like the best thing in the universe. My dad just showed me it like last week, and it was the best thing ever. Like, how do you even compete with that? Nick Cage is just a god in that movie. Do you know Nick Cage?" God this kid does not stop talking. I don't remember John being this annoying. Maybe he was, and we were all chatting when he was like fourteen in his time? Screw that stupid Trollian chat thing. I already hate how time travel works. Like I need more of it in my life. Dirk will probably figure it out by himself anyways. Kid's good with machines.
"Look, kid, this is all really cool and all, but I'm not really here to talk about some B-ranked actor all right?"
"Oh. Okay then," Goddamn Egbert and his kid puppy eyes. I feel like I just burned some kids pet or something. "You know, you kind of sound like my friend Dave with your cool guy act. You even wear sunglasses, those not as goofy as his. He wears these dumb anime glasses that his Bro gave him all the time," John explained and outlined the shape with his hands. I instantly recognized them as Dirk's glasses.
Oh hell no. There's no way that I'm going to let some alternate self of mine wear some stupid pair of shades. Dirk can wear them if he wants, but Daves need to work together in order to stay cool. Except I didn't bring an extra pair with me. Damn. Well, every hero needs to make his sacrifices. It's not like I'm going to need them much longer. I'll just put on a spare when I get back home or something and everything will be okay.
"Did you just say that your friend wear a dumb pair of shades? Dude that is a crime beyond redemption. You're going to need to save him before the shitty shades police comes in and arrest him. Here, take these." I practically shove the glasses into his hands. He looks up at me strangely. What's so strange about giving bros some awesome shades?
"Are you okay mister? It's just a friend with crappy sunglasses. It's not like a major crime or anything. You don't need to give me these."
"I should be asking you that. This is a crime of the highest punishment. Besides, it'll be a rad birthday present right? Not only does your bro get a rad pair of shades, but also he'll be free from those crime shades. Plus, these aren't just any shades. These were hand picked from the face of Ben Stiller himself. So you better be careful."
I pointed at the glasses that I placed in the kid's hands. He looked mystified when I said Ben Stiller and then had a sudden moment of realization.
"Dave's birthday is in a week! Oh my god, thanks mister for reminding me. I need to send these right now if he's going to get it on time," John began.
"Don't mention it. Literally. Don't mention me. I was never here," I said.
"Right. I didn't get these glasses from some random guy off the street. This is looking pretty shady you know."
"How would I know? I was never here."
"Right. Well, it's good meeting you for the first time then."
"Right back at ya," I said and began walking away. I heard his footsteps move back into his house at a slow pace. I figured he was still wondering what just happened, but it's not it's an everyday occurrence that some guy from the streets gives you a pair of shades to gift your alternate self. At least not in this neighborhood. God, still don't know where I'm going.
"Timetables recharged."
"Finally. Took your goddamned time, didn't you?"
At the end of the day though, I can't help but think that this random mishap wasn't that random at all.
A/N: I don't know exactly where this came from, but it's my first story in this fandom, so I guess it's more of a story that lets me gives a feel for the characters than anything else? Besides, has anyone really wondered exactly how John got those authentic Ben Stiller glasses for Dave? He got them from some dude off the street of course.
(psst. just forget about any time/plot holes this creates in the story. i just wanted an excuse to write Alpha Dave to meet up with mini John Egbert.)