Disclaimer: Mr. Sakurai will kill me for this. I don't own anything.
Author's Note: Yes. This oneshot contains gayness. But no kissing or being dirty or anything like that. This is pure insanity soup on a stick.
I borrowed a couple of elements and the general idea from another fic. And the author hasn't written anything for four years. O.o If this is considered plagiarism, I will take it off the site without delay. I'm not sure if this has been done more than once before - it's certainly not the most original thing in the world, but it's quick and insane. I hope you enjoy.
...I'm very busy at the moment, but it doesn't stop me writing random stuff.
It was the end of the first week of the tournament when it happened.
Master Hand was the first witness to the horrifying sight; he had come down to the lobby, holding a cup of coffee with his index and thumb, ready to start a fresh new day. It would have been a perfectly peaceful Sunday morning. The brawls had not started that week - they'd spent the first six days trying to get everything organized before anyone could start brawling. Sunday was left for all of them to explore outside the hotel they were accommodated in, leaving the Smashers free to wander around Smashville, buy supplies, have a nice Sunday lunch, go out with their friends, paint their room black and weep, whatever that suited them. He wouldn't need to sort out the schedules today - that could be done first thing tomorrow. But all that was about to change as he crept along the carpeted floor, checking that all was fine in the hotel. A long, thin object on one of the tables caught his attention; and when he stopped to look at it, the shock caused him to drop his cup of coffee on the carpet (the maid Stafy would never get that stain out) and let out an unearthly scream.
Little did he know that the troubles had just begun.
The giant Hand (having fainted with sheer shock) was soon carried away by Samus back into his office, while the maid Stafy fussed over the carpet stain and scrubbed at it frantically with a mop. Crazy Hand followed the bounty hunter, close to tears ('But you can't die now, bro! I'm sorry for eating your turkey roast! You've got to help me sort out the programming in PictoChat - oh, come on-'), while most of the Smashers had woken up and were crowded around the table, gazing at the object in question. It was long, thin, split into a few strands at the end, coloured black... and was made of high-quality leather.
Link spoke up first. "Okay, but just what the hell is that thing?"
"Whatever it is, it's not lupus." Dr. Mario replied briskly, tucking his notepad away and walking towards Master Hand's office. "I'm going to check up on Master Hand. I shall be back in a moment..."
"I don't think the question of what it is really matters." Meta Knight said grimly, poking at the object gingerly with his Galaxia. "More importantly, whose is it?"
Everyone looked at Captain Falcon.
"No, it isn't mine!" The racer shook his head frantically for a few seconds, but then stopped to gaze shrewedly at the table. He let out a soft 'hmm' as he lapsed into deep thought. "... Well, of course... if nobody wants it..."
"What's that doing in here anyway?" Jigglypuff asked, sounding afraid and disgusted at the same time. She glanced at it once before turning away with a shudder; Meta Knight, her newly-found lover, put a reassuring hand on her shoulder to calm her down. "Well, one thing's sure - it isn't mine or Meta Knight's. We'd take pure love over such... horrible instruments."
"But none of you answered my question!" Link whined pitifully, whirling around to look at the silent Smashers behind him. "What the hell is it?"
Zelda sighed. "Just... don't even ask, Link."
The door to the lobby swung open, and Ganondorf entered with a majestic grace.
"What is this? It's a whip!" He exclaimed upon seeing the object, demonstrating his 'Captain Obvious' abilities. "To whom does this belong to and may I ask why I was not invited... erm... I mean, informed of this sooner?" He reached out for the whip as he said this.
"Don't touch it!" Princess Peach shrieked. "You don't know where it's been!"
"But whose is it? Captain Falcon's?"
All eyes turned to Captain Falcon once more.
"I told you, it's not mine!" He protested. "I have no use for whips! The only things remotely close to that thing that I use are chains and spikes - and I only throw them around on racetracks to distract my racing opponents, not satisfy my carnal desires!"
"I don't think you need chains or whips to do that." Wolf commented, but no one was listening.
"Well, let's get our alibis sorted." Ganondorf said. "I cannot have left it here. I do not own an animal, nor have a companion to use this whip upon. Besides, I wasn't here at all yesterday or this morning. I was checking that King Bulbin was happy riding across the Bridge of Eldin every now and then. He needed to be bribed quite heavily."
Lucario spoke up also. "And it wasn't me either. Look at this-" He picked up the whip without fear, resulting a few cringe-worthy squeals from the crowd. "-it's quite short compared to some of the whips out there. Definitely not made for an animal. It wasn't manufactured in Hoenn or any other worlds that the Pokemon and the Trainer knows about. I would never purchase or use any other whips - I don't even need them anyway, my Aura is fine enough for me. But in fact, whips made in Hoenn make a lovely cracking sound..."
"All whips make that sound, Lucario, regardless of where it comes from." Fox said quietly.
"Yes, but Hoenn whips crack in Pokeish!"
"They crack in... Pokeish? What the hell is that?"
"See?" Lucario cracked the whip, creating a sharp slapping sound. "That's not a Pokeish noise!"
"He knows how to crack a whip! He's obviously used one before!" Mario said loudly, pointing a finger at the Aura Pokemon. But inwardly, he was wondering if there would be a way to steal that whip off Lucario and take it back to his own suite. And use it on... whoever he didn't like. His thoughts were interrupted as Samus returned from Master Hand's office, clacking towards the Smashers in her armour.
"I'm back." She announced, taking off her helmet and throwing off her armour. "Dr. Mario's taking care of Master Hand at the moment. And he's in bad shape-" She faded away as her gaze fell on the table. "... Oh God, what is that?"
"Zelda won't tell me what it is," Link whined. "can you tell me, Samus?"
"... Go polish your shield or something, Link. Just don't say anything." The bounty hunter looked down with faint disgust at the object. "What's it doing here anyway? I don't think anyone except for me uses anything remotely like that in brawls."
"Speaking of which, Samus, you're the only one in here who actively uses whips." Mario said. "I'm not saying you own that whip, and I'm not saying that you don't own that whip, but the truth is that you happen to be very... expert in that area."
"That's where you're not quite right there." Samus said calmly. "Look. My whip is longer than that, and it isn't made of leather. It's made of plasma. What would I do with such an old-fashioned object? I mean... leather... they rot and wear away. It isn't mine."
Pikachu, who had actually said nothing during this exchange, turned to the Pokemon Trainer, Squirtle and Ivysaur (Charizard was in the Pokeball). "Pika pika." It squeaked, communicating something to the Pokemon; at this request, Squirtle invented the light bulb, Ivysaur hung it over the little electric mouse's head, and Pikachu proceeded to light it with its electricity.
"Pikachu has an idea, folks." The Trainer called out.
Knowing that the other Smashers, save for the different Pokemon, didn't understand its speech, Pikachu immediately began to act out its plan. It made a series of elaborate gestures, accompanied by different contortions; yet it was in vain, for everyone just stared blankly at the Pokemon without saying anything.
"Just say it." Lucario said irritably.
Pikachu bristled, and its cheeks crackled with electricity.
"Hey, I can do that too!" Luigi exclaimed brightly, demonstrating his complete lack of timing. He held up his left hand and charged up some electricity, which crackled green instead of yellow; Pikachu cocked its head to the side, gazing curiously at the sparks. It then proceeded to squeak out something that Lucario listened carefully to.
"All right, Pikachu suggested that we should send out some people to alert others of this object. Then if it belongs to someone, they can come and collect it." He finally said. "I think it's a good idea... I mean, I don't want that thing around any more than any of you do."
"Aww." Captain Falcon murmured softly.
"And putting up posters or passing fliers doesn't seen very practical."
"I volunteer." Meta Knight raised his sword. Jigglypuff also raised her short stumpy arms. "We need to get that thing out. Right now."
"So you two are going. Excellent. Any other volunteers?" R.O.B. waved his arm. "Good. I'm counting on you three. How are you going to spread the word?" Marth stepped forwards, looking at the three Smashers.
"We'll take the Halberd."
"Good thinking there. You'd be able to get around in half an hour or so. Good luck!" The three left shortly afterwards, looking distinctively glad to have left the hotel - and the whip behind them. They soon could hear the Halberd's engines roaring above them, the giant battleship heading towards Smashville.
"I hope the whip belongs to Brewster. That would be the most hilarious thing ever." Sonic muttered.
Ike sniggered.
"No one's coming." Ness complained to Lucas; although the two boys knew little of what was going on, they knew that somebody was due to arrive at the hotel to receive something. And when that somebody failed to arrive, he felt anxious and more confused than before. "I don't know if Meta Knight, Jigglypuff and R.O.B. actually made their way around the arena by now - I don't know why we even-"
Suddenly, there was a slight ringing sound from the doors as a tall man entered the scene. He was just over six feet tall, with strong, sharp defined features; his face was lean and masculine, lightly stubbled, and he wore a green bandanna around his head. His eyes were alert and looked straight into the ones of the Smashers, while his expression remained carefully blank. He had the look of a trained military man about him; but those eyes were alive and bright, which was quite different from what one would normally expect of a soldier. His expression was crafted from years of training. The eyes were his own. What made the crowd uneasy was not this, though; it was more the fact that the man looked like a walking weaponary shop. And the fact that he was wearing a tight bodysuit.
"Hot..." Pit muttered dreamily.
"I just heard the news from Meta Knight." The man said in a deep, somewhat uninterested voice. "I must introduce myself. My name is David Iroquois Pliskin the Second-and-three-quarters, codename Solid Snake. Feel free to call me Snake."
The Smashers looked around nervously before Marth extended his hand and stepped forwards. "Good morning. But erm... are you a Smasher? I don't recall seeing you before..."
"I'm a mercenary trained in stealth. I spent the week kipping underneath a cardboard box - like this." The man demonstrated by pulling a orange-brown cardboard box out of absolutely nowhere and dropping it neatly on top of himself. After a few seconds, he threw off the box (which melted into thin air) and stood up again, dusting himself free of little flecks of cardboard. "Hmm. Smells of oranges." He then grasped Marth's hand and shook it firmly, gazing narrowly into his face.
"Ah... indeed. Well, I hope that we'll get along fine, I can't wait to see you brawling-"
Snake frowned. "... You're wearing a tiara. And you speak in a masculine voice." Spontaneously, he grasped a very confused Marth by the shoulders and shook him hard. "What are you up to? Reveal your intentions!"
"You dare touch Marth? I think not, sir!" Out of nowhere, Prince Roy opened a portal and jumped downwards with a roar of fury, knocking the mercenary and the blue-haired prince on the floor. The latter yelped in pain; but Snake's expression didn't change in the slightest, and he got up expressionlessly, looking hard at the red-haired man.
"What a racket." He said, his voice toneless.
"Prince Roy, will you kindly close the portal and return to our world?" Marth asked, sounding faintly annoyed. Roy hung his head, jumped back into the portal and went back to sulk in his world; the blue-haired prince got up, checked that his tiara was in place, and looked at Snake again. "Will you please go and identify the object in question?" He asked, more politely this time.
The mercenary walked over to the table, and looked down at the whip for a few seconds before shaking his head and turning away. "Nope. Not mine. Mine's coated in plastic. Come along, Luigi."
The Smashers gasped in unison, staring at the younger Mario brother; what was going on? How did this mercenary, who nobody had ever seen before, know Luigi? The green-clad plumber also happened to be one of the shyest of all the Smashers - how could he socialize with such a man?
"Not today, Snake." Luigi said, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He did not seem to mind that he was being watched incredulously by thirty people. "I need to do a lot of things and practice yoga."
"Luigi!" Mario screamed, pointing an accusing finger at his younger brother. "You were frolicking around with this... insane creep instead of me all this time? So that's where you were during this week! I ought to beat you up for that!"
"Shush, bro. I'll hurt you later. So Snake, I can't come around with you today. I need some relaxation."
Snake came up to the younger Mario brother and put an arm around his shoulders. "Oh, come on, Luigi... I do get awfully lonely sitting by myself in that box, you know..."
"Snake, I-"
"We could have lunch in The Roost. Brewster's got a new type of salad available."
"But I-"
"And then we can go sit by the fountain and share a chocolate milkshake."
"Snake-"
"If you're feeling cold, I'll take you to Norfair and we can sit in the capsule together. Think about the things we could roast in that lava! We could have marshmallows and s'mores!"
"I HAVE TO DO THE LAUNDRY."
Snake, however, didn't seem put off at all. Knowing that words weren't going to get him anywhere, he stooped down to simply pick the younger Mario brother up in his arms, and slung him over one shoulder as easily as anything. Although Luigi was struggling and pounding on the mercenary's back, begging to be let down, Snake was not to be phased, and walked towards the door.
"... Luigi, I keep telling you, I'm not going to spike your drink and take advantage of you while you're knocked out. God, you suspect people too much..."
"You swear?" Luigi gave up and fell limp, sighing. "God, and I have to wash all those red striped socks as well..."
"But I love you, Luigi."
"Love you too, Snake."
The hotel door clanged faintly and spun around as the two Smashers left, following a rough swear word from Snake. Apparently the mercenary had never tried slamming a revolving door before.
Everyone was left with the whip, and for a long time they stared at it stupidly, not knowing what to do or say. The silence lasted for ten minutes, hanging thickly in the air, before a certain doctor emerged from Master Hand's office, putting his stethoscope away.
"The Doctor's back in the house!" He exclaimed as he looked up, a small smile on his usually-emotionless face. But when he looked at the Smashers - all were looking blank and clueless - even that smile faded away as he stared in concern. "What's going on? Didn't you dispose of it yet?"
This statement had a great effect on everyone; they suddenly all dropped to their knees, some weeping and crying hysterically. Even the little kids, who admittedly had very little idea what was going on, were beginning to sniffle and wipe at their eyes; Lucas ran towards Dr. Mario, clinging to his legs, confused and near tears.
"Nooo!" Marth howled, not caring that his hair was messed up and tears were streaking down his face. "Now... now we'll never be rid of it! He was our last hope!"
"But what is it?" Link hollered.
"Go play with Navi or something!" Zelda screamed in response, now completely fed up. "This is ridiculous! I'm leaving!"
"It's all his fault!" Marth shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Ike. "It's all his fault! He's bad luck! Just look at him - he's wielding a two-handed sword with one hand and he carries it around everywhere! That's not normal behaviour!"
Princess Peach looked helplessly at the two swordsmen. "... If I may say something, Prince Marth, I must inform you that you carry around your sword everywhere as well."
"It's not just that either! He spreads around syphilis and typhus fever! Get rid of him right now!"
"But I don't have syphilis and typhus fever!" Ike protested. "Really, Prince Marth, this is getting-"
"Oh yeah? I've seen you snooping in Dr. Mario's cabinet where he keeps all his virus and bacteria samples. And when I looked in there, the test tubes labelled 'syphilis' and 'typhus' were missing! Explain that!" Marth shouted. "And look at that sword! It's got blood and fur all over it! I wouldn't be surprised if that sword of yours started an epidemic right here in this hotel - in fact, I bet that's why everyone's breaking down right now!"
Dr. Mario, who had been watching this exchange silently, finally stepped in. "Marth, get a grip on yourself. Ike was checking in my cabinet under my request. Those samples were returned long ago. And Ike doesn't clean his sword, I admit that. But it's not causing an epidemic - in fact, what you're witnessing now is something called mass hysteria." He was getting worked up now, his blue eyes bright with a kind of passion, his face alive with emotion. He gestured over at the male Smashers, who were either in each other's arms and weeping, or sobbing quietly in a corner rocking back and forwards (in the case of Ganondorf, Mario and Captain Falcon).
"Don't you see what the real problem is?" The Doctor cried. "It's that whip right there! It's turning a bunch of strong, handsome, flamboyantly homosexual youths into a bunch of strong, handsome, flamboyantly homosexual youth mob!"
This ingenious statement broke the Smashers out of their trance. The male Smashers parted, and stood there meekly, wiping their eyes free of tears.
"The Doctor is right." King Dedede said. "Let's all smile and kiss and make up. Hey, I'll even throw around my loyal minions - I mean Waddle Dees - and you can watch me dance!"
Doneky Kong was the only one who appeared enthusiastic at this proposal; he pulled out his bongos out of thin air and began playing a rhythm, warming up for the actual dance.
"But what about that... thing?" Falco asked, wincing as he tried to find an alternative to the dreaded word, 'whip'. However, this question was soon answered as Captain Olimar slid down the banisters of the stairs, and ran towards the table with a cry of delight.
"God, I was looking for that everywhere! I thought I'd lost it for good!" He exclaimed delightfully while he threw five Pikmin up onto the table to fetch the whip. The creatures did so, and hopped off the table to present the object to their leader, who grasped it and twirled it around expertly before turning in the direction of his suite. "I have to make a long-distance call to Hocotate now. My missus will be so glad I found it! Thanks, guys!"
The Smash Brothers tournament went along fine, of course. With Dr. Mario's care, Master Hand recovered, and the very next day he was announcing the first Smashers to enter the Battlefield and brawl to their hearts' content. Everyone got along well with each other.
But the Smashers never spoke of the incident again.