Re-post: This story got removed awhile back because the original version was written in a dastardly illegal format that would have brought down the free world had it been allowed to remain. I suspect such subversive writing was responsible for the failure of the financial markets, but there's no real proof. Anyway, I re-wrote the story to meet their stupid guidelines because I think it's really funny.

Disclaimer: This is an original work of fiction, but the characters of Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Chang Wu-Fei, Trowa Barton and Quatre Reberba Winner are borrowed from Gundam Wing AC by Hajime Yatate and Yoshiyuki Tomino and produced by Sunrise.

Intro: My dang job is sucking up my life. I haven't had time to write anywhere near as much as I'd like to. Apparently, my characters are getting pretty fed up with it, too. They showed up in my office this morning.

-o-o-o-

Extreme Team Coding with Gundam Wing

"…stupid program! Just compile, dammit!" I grumbled.

"Hey, lady, how's your foot?" Duo Maxwell, Gundam pilot and owner of the best braid on the planet, stuck his head in the door of my office.

I jumped out of my chair. "How did you get in the building? It's locked!"

"Yeah, right." He cruised in and appropriated my guest chair.

Trowa Barton, his screen of bangs making me wonder if he has stereoscopic vision like the rest of us, followed him in. "Heero opened it."

I put my hand over my face. "Tell me he didn't break it."

Quatre Reberba Winner, unquestionably the cutest human being in the free world, Chang Wu-Fei, who I personally suspect has braid envy, and Heero Yuy, who makes spandex a positive fashion statement, glided into my office, but no one answered my question.

I sank back down in my chair. "Oh, great! Now the security guy will be on my back."

"What are you doing?" asked Quatre "That doesn't look like a story."

"I'm coding," I said. "I have to get this finished today."

"What's it for?" asked Wu-Fei.

"It's my job. I write software."

"So what's it supposed to do?"

"I can't tell you that! It's defense stuff."

"We've all fought in defense forces." Duo said ingratiatingly. "You can trust us!" He gave me his most winning smile.

I tried to cover the monitor with my hands, but it's one of those twenty-four inch jobs.

Quatre looked between my fingers. "Those look like compile errors."

"Stop peeking!"

"Shouldn't there be a semi-colon there?"

"Yes, thank you! I can do this without your help."

"I wonder," Trowa murmured. "You've barely written a line about us in days."

"That's not true! I wrote a whole page just yesterday!"

"Wow," Heero dead-panned. "A whole page."

"We're underwhelmed," Duo added.

"Oh, shut up!" I grumbled. "You try coding something when your customer has his head up his a…"

Quatre clapped a hand over my mouth. "This is a family fanfic, lady."

I mumbled something not suitable for a family fanfic.

"Get out of the way," Heero ordered. "I'll do this."

"Wait a minute!" I cried, but I was unceremoniously divested of my chair.

Heero plopped into the seat and rolled up to the keyboard. "Looks like a perfectly straightforward missile guidance program to me."

"It's not a missile guidance program!"

Trowa leaned on the arm of the chair. "Can you fix it?"

"No problem. We just need some more guidance information and some launch codes."

"But it's not a missile guidance program!" I wailed.

"So what is it?" Duo grinned his most disarming grin. "You can tell me."

"It's… it's…"

"Are you sure you should be deleting that?" Wu-Fei asked casually.

Heero shrugged. "Stupid range checks just slow the program down."

"But we have coding standards!" I cried.

"Standards are for the weak," Heero intoned. "All this exception handling wastes CPU cycles."

"That looks much more streamlined," Trowa said approvingly.

"Lean code is happy code." Heero agreed.

Quatre put his hand on my arm. "Are you ok, lady? You look pale."

"Do you know how long I've been working on that?" I mumbled.

"But look how fast it compiles," Duo said encouragingly.

"Yeah, because he took out all the processing!"

"I'm putting in more," Heero said.

"But it doesn't do any of the stuff it's supposed to!" I shouted.

"But you said your customer is an idiot," Wu-Fei pointed out. "How will he know the difference?"

"…"

Trowa pointed at the screen. "That code looks like it's for aiming automatic guns."

"It's not!"

Cool!" Heero said. "The first bit of useful code. Let's expand it."

"Yeah!" Duo chimed in. "It needs to shoot lasers and large-caliber munitions."

Heero nodded. "Good idea."

"THIS ISN'T A WEAPONS SYSTEM!"

"It is now," Quatre said

"ARGH!"

"What else should we add?" Heero asked.

Trowa rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Did you include ICBM launch codes?"

"Right there."

"Heat-seekers?" asked Duo.

"Missed that," Heero said. "Gimme a second."

"I'm going to get fired," I moaned.

"Don't forget the targeting subsystem," Wu-Fei said, apparently unaware of my suffering.

"Right." Heero typed furiously.

When he sat back, Quatre pursed his lips. "Good coders always do system testing."

Trowa nodded in agreement. "Good point. We should launch a missile at something and make sure it hits the right target."

I slumped to the floor. "There are no missiles!" I groaned.

"That's ok," Duo said cheerfully. "We brought some."

Wu-Fei picked up a business card shoved halfway under a speaker and covered with dust and water spots. "Is this the address of your customer?"

"NO!"

"Then how come you drew a red circle with a line through it on the card?"

"Um…"

Wu-Fei stuck the card in front of Heero." Here, type this in."

Heero typed in the address. "Ok. Starting system test. Targeting accepted. Missile launching."

"Unh…" My vocalizations were reduced to incoherent noises.

Quatre leaned toward the monitor. "How will we know if it worked?"

"That's right," said Trowa. "We need damage assessment."

Heero squinted at the monitor. "Hey, here's a function to point a camera. I'll rewrite it to do a satellite uplink."

"Hey! Nice picture!" Duo exclaimed. "That's a big crater."

"The coordinates are right," Wu-Fei said. "I'd call that a successful system test."

"You blew up my customer!" I moaned.

"Yeah," Heero said. "So now you don't have any excuses. Start writing."

"I need a drink."

"So what was this program supposed to do, anyway?" Duo asked curiously.

"It was a passive surveillance system."

Heero snorted. "How boring! It's much better now."

Wu-Fei nodded in agreement. "We'll leave you a few missiles in case you want to blow anything else up."

"Thanks," I muttered sarcastically.

Quatre clapped his hands. "All right, we'll be going now. Get to work. And quit writing all those other stories! Write about us, dammit!"

They left, congratulating themselves on a job well done.

I hung my head. "I'm so getting fired."