Desperate

by SimplyCuteBambi

I stared down at my hands as I realized what this was. This feeling. I wasn’t only feeling hurt and lonely and confused. I was desperate. *read to find out pairing

I watched him walk away. Hurt written in his beautiful intense brown orbs and I knew I had no one to blame but myself. I bowed my head in shame as I felt my heart break and I felt the hot salty tears pour down steadily slowly.

"Oh no you don't" I heard my best friend Caitlyn say somewhere in the distance. But her voice was merely in the background now. All I could think about was his confused indignant face. It was burned deep into my memory perpetually. The way his eyes bore into mine. The way he yelled at me and yet his eyes were pleading with me for it not to be true. I could feel Caitlyn's hand on my shoulder as she gently guided me through the people.

For the moment I was happy with the support her steady hand offered. If she let go I was pretty sure I would collapse to the ground.

You're reachin' out,
And no one hears your cry.

We got to my cabin and I barely noticed through my haze. The tears were still silently falling and my vision was fuzzy. Caitlyn gently led me up the stairs as I opened the door and stumbled in.

My mum was sitting at the desk looking over some cook books. Her eyes flew wide open and she stared at me appalled. I was sure my swollen tear stained face was an indication of what was wrong. My hair was sticking out and my clothes were crumbled. I was sure my ghastly appearance was nothing short of horrifying and yet I couldn't care less.
"What happened?" My mum said as she approached me.

I immediately felt the throbbing pain come back with double the force and I ran away from her and threw myself on my bed as I let the tears fall freely now.

I never meant for it to get this far. I just told one lie. One lie that I thought wouldn't make a difference. I finally had a chance to be somebody but then it all blew up in my face. The one person who got hurt the most was him.

You're just like everyone else

I kept hearing him say that over and over and over in my head. It was like it was taunting me. Everything I was afraid would happen did. I lost his trust forever. I would never be able to get that back. What have I done?

You're freakin' out again
'Cause all your fears remind you.
Another dream has come undone

About an hour later I slowly opened my eyes I hadn't noticed that I fell asleep. I must've been so tired. I looked at my pillow and noticed the tear stains. I sighed as my eyes searched the room for any sign if anyone might be awake. I noticed Caitlyn on the chair her head tilted slightly as she slept. She shivered a bit so I took the blanket off of my bed. I tiptoed to her side and gently draped the blanket over her. She smiled softly in her sleep. I sighed as I straightened up and realized I would never be able to sleep. I saw my guitar in the corner of the room and the tears immediately came to my eyes. I wiped them away and sighed deeply as I went over to my closet and grabbed a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt.

You feel so small and lost
Like you're the only one.

After dressing up ever so quietly I tiptoed to the front door and I closed the door behind me gently. I checked the watch. 2:00 am. No one would be awake now. There was a slight breeze to the air but the night was warm. The crickets were chirping and I could see the moon clearly in the sky. I pulled my jacket closer and zipped it as I slowly descended the stairs. I walked carefully my feet making a slight noise as they hit the gravel but I didn't care. I put my hands in my pocket and slowly traced the outline of my song book. I was going to do the one thing I knew I could do. I was going to pour my heart out in a song. I got to my destination. I found that it hurt me more than I imagined. I could feel my heart break in my chest. I hugged myself to keep the pain from spreading. Or more to hold myself from falling apart. I closed my eyes and let the wind surround me. I let the silence engulf me and then I opened my eyes and was met with the most stunning sight.

I was at the lake. Our lake actually but that's what I liked to call it. The moonlight was reflected gently on the lake. Its beams were a brilliant white I found myself mesmerized simply staring at it. I took a deep shaky breath as I sat down at the exact same spot where I knew things had altered. I blinked back the tears as I remembered him smiling at me before it all happened. I grimaced as I remembered how anguished he looked. If only I could explain

You wanna scream,
'Cause you're desperate.

I was pretty sure that if anyone could see my soul right now they would know how wounded it was. A lost soul among many. It didn't matter now that I was upset he didn't believe me. It didn't matter that I was pretending. All that mattered was him that's all it came down to in the end.

You want somebody, just anybody
to lay their hands on your soul tonight.

I got out my song book and spotted my cell phone. I thought I saw it blinking and my heart skipped a beat as I realized someone may have called me. I checked but it was nothing. I could feel the desperation and ache spread through me again. I shook my head as I opened my song book and started to write:

You want somebody to listen to you I scratched it not feeling satisfied. It had to be more intense than that that wasn't how I was feeling.

I stared off into space as I realized what I should write:

You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light...

I nodded to myself content. Much better I thought. I gasped at the sudden pain that spread through my body. I bit my lip to keep from sobbing. The agonizing pain was just too much. I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth and then rested my head against the bark of the tree. When the pain subsided a bit I opened my eyes slowly. I had to call someone. This was just too much to deal with. I took out my cell phone and without noticing it. I found myself scrolling down to his name. I stared at it as I contemplated what the hell I was doing.

You're in the dark;
There's no one left to call.

I shook my head as I closed my phone as I tried to relax for a bit. I tried to succumb to sleep but even that couldn't hide everything I was feeling. My rush of emotions. I brought my keens up to my chest as I placed my head on it. I put my head up a bit after a while then I took the notebook and started writing again:

And sleep's you're only friend,
But even sleep can't hide you

I paused and thought what was sleeping hiding me from. From everything really. Even in my sleep I can feel the sorrow especially to everyone else who liked me because I was different. I felt a tear slowly slide down my face as it slipped on the notebook:

From all those tears and all the pain
And all the days you waste pushin' them away.

I put my notebook aside as I wiped away a stray tear. I couldn't sit around here feeling sorry for myself. I put myself into this and some way somehow I would get people to listen to me and I would tell them why I did it. I couldn't run and hide forever especially since this is my life we are talking about.

It's your life; it's time you face it.

I moved slowly hesitantly towards the lake as I took off my sneakers and dipped my feet in the cool rushing water. I closed my eyes and let the feeling engulf me as I started singing:

You want somebody, just anybody
To lay their hands on your soul tonight.

I opened my eyes and started singing softly as I looked up at the moon and the stars hoping and wishing for a miracle one that would perhaps never come:

You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light...

I stared down at my hands as I realized what this was. This feeling. I wasn't only feeling hurt and lonely and confused I started a bit more strongly now:

'Cause you're desperate, desperate.
'Cause you're desperate now...

I was desperate. That was it. I wanted him to hear me out. I wanted him to listen to me so bad I could almost envision it. I wanted another chance. A chance to prove I was different. I went over to my notebook and smiled slightly the first real smile in hours as I knew exactly what I wanted to say.

You know the things have gotta change.
You can't go back, you find a way.
And day by day, you start to come alive.

I put down my notebook as I realized how troubled I felt. I need peace. A feeling of content and happiness wash over me. I needed it so bad I could almost taste it. I sat crossed leg eyed as I stared out at the lake and let myself once more be lost in the only thing I knew I could count on:

You want somebody, just anybody
To bring some peace to your soul tonight.
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light...

I heard some bushes rustling behind me. I turned around and found nothing. I was suspicious I was sure I heard something. Who would be awake at this time of night or what more likely? I got up gently and peered behind the trees. What I saw almost shocked me to death.

"Shane?" I asked slightly out of breath from the shock. "Yeah" I heard him say as he sighed and emerged from behind the bushes. He looked as awful as I felt. His usually messy black hair was messier than it ever had been. His brown eyes were an intense shad. His shirt was crumpled and his jeans were very dirty. "What are you doing here?" I whispered afraid of his answer.

"Well" He said as he scratched the back of his neck a habit I knew he did when he was nervous. " I was talking a walk and then I heard someone sing I thought I was imagining it and well" He paused as he looked at me his brown eyes cautious. "Do you really mean what you just said?" He said softly so softly I had to strain to hear it.

"Of course I do" I said back quietly. "Shane….I'm sorry ok?" I said as his confused brown eyes met mine. "I'm sorry for all the pain I've put you through. I just never stop messing up and I'm just sorry" I said as I started to shake with sobs. I held them back and I fell to the ground shaking as I felt my breath become shallow.

"Oh my God Mitchie are you ok?" He said as he knelt beside me and tried to feel my temperature. "Can't breathe" I managed to gasp out. "Oh my God" He said as he eyes flew open in panic. "Ok relax" He said as he tried to calm me.

"Relax" He said soothingly. "Breathe" He commanded. "Deep breaths" He said softly as he stroked my back. I tried to focus on anything but the stabbing twinge. I focused on his soothing voice. The way his black hair fell over his eyes. The way his brown eyes shone with sincerity. The brown eyes that were filled with hurt. As soon as that thought crossed my mind I could feel my chest constrict with pain again. I gasped as I tried to breathe. "Mitchie oh please God breathe" He said as he tried his best to calm me down. "I'm sorry" I gasped as I felt myself shake.

"I'm sorry….I'm sorry" I kept repeating as I felt my head throbbing. I started to sway a bit as I saw black circles in front of my eyes. "Whoa hang in there Mitch don't do this to me…you're going to be fine" He said as he held me still. He leaned against the tree and he hugged me.

"I'm sorry" I gulped as I continued shaking. "Shhh it's ok" He said as he rubbed my arms. "It's ok" He said as he stroked my hair

"Oh God" I said as the pain intensified. "I'm so sorry I hurt you" I said again feeling suddenly dizzy and faint. I wanted to close my eyes right then and there. "Stop ok?" I heard him say. "Stop blaming yourself" He said as he took of his jacket and placed it on me. Although it warmed me slightly I was still shivering.

"Why are you so cold?" He asked as he looked me with concern. "I… don't …know.." I stuttered as I tried to stop my body from shaking.

"Ok Mitchie" He said as he lifted my head up to meet his brown eyes. "Breathe" He said softly. I got lost staring in his brown orbs.

"Mitchie breathe" He said as he chuckled. I realized I was holding my breath. I let it out as I sighed.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as he wrapped his jacket closer around me. "I feel ok" I said my voice slightly hoarse from all the shaking.

"Are you sure?". "Yeah" I said as I nodded. I smiled up at him gratefully. "God don't scare me like that again" He said as he ran his hands through his tousled black hair.

"Sorry" I offered. "Would you please stop apologizing?" He said as he sighed. "But-" He put his hands to my lips.

"I'll talk you listen ok?" He said as he smiled at me.

I nodded seeing as I couldn't talk.

"Look I admit I was upset and mad at you for lying to me I mean it's kinda hard for me to forgive something like that" He trailed off looking at me.

I looked down as I let a tear escape. I sniffed as I held back the tears.

"Don't cry little angel" He said as he wiped my tear away with the pad of his thumb.

"But I didn't let you apologize and I think I owe you that" He finished off as he removed his hand from my lips.

I stared at him shocked as I tried to gather my thoughts. I took a deep breath as I looked at my hands.

"Well I started the whole lie because I wanted to be different. I didn't want to be a nobody anymore. I wanted to be somebody. The only way I could do that was by lying. I know it's wrong but I can't change what I did. And you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt. And you're the last person I would lie to you. If I could take it all back I would just so I could not see your hurt face anymore" I said slowly and softly glad he was finally listening.

"Wow" He said. I looked up at him. He had amusement written in his eyes. "Wow?" I asked confused.

" I had no idea it was like that" He said as he played with his ring. "I guess I owe you an apology too huh?" He said as his eyes met mine. I shook my head "No you don't"

"Oh but I do. I should have trusted you more. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge. Thing is Mitchie I trust you more than anyone else" He said softly.

I could feel my heart literally beat so loud I could almost hear it. He edged closer to me and put his hand to my heart and he started signing softly:

You want somebody, just anybody
To lay their hands on your soul tonight.

I smiled at him as his beautiful voice rang out. He sang it with as much emotion as I would've. He was about to sing the next line when I started singing with him:

You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light...

He smiled at me softly as he took my hand and started stroking it. I blushed as I continued singing on my own as he watched me:

'Cause you're desperate, desperate.
'Cause you're desperate tonight.

He smiled at me as he kissed my hands softly. His eyes slowly rose up to meet mine:

Oh, desperate... So desperate tonight,
Tonight...

He sang it so beautifully I got lost listening to his voice. I closed my eyes and listened to it. I heard him sigh as I looked up and was met with his chocolate brown eyes. "Does this mean you forgive me?" I asked quietly.

"Of course" He whispered softly in my ear. I shivered as his breath tickled me.

"I kinda have to anyway" He said as he shrugged.

"Why is that?"

"Cuz then I wouldn't be able to do this"

"Do what?" I asked as he suddenly poked me in the sides. I bit my lip to keep my laughter from erupting.

He got closer to me and started tickling me furiously "Come on you know you wanna laugh" He said as he continued smiling at me. I let it out and I laughed. I laughed so hard the tears came to my eyes.

" I still don't get what it is you were talking about"

He sighed as he met my eyes. I was surprised with the sincerity and passion written all over them. "Your laugh…your smile….the way your eyes lit up when you're happy… just everything" He admitted.

I blushed deeply as I looked down. He leaned against the tree and looked at me expectantly. I crawled over to his side and laid my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed my forehead gently. I closed my eyes and listened to the steady beat of his heart as he hummed quietly.

Desperate, desperate....