Disclaimer: I own nothing but the imagination that spawned this monstrosity.
(An: Blame ETA for making me write this... I just kind of developed it from her suggestion for sex-ed in The X-band's sequal. I am aware that I should be working on something else, -anything- else but it just kind of worked out this way. I'm being blocked, since my muse is taking a little 'holiday' since I've been working her so hard. And when Jazz goes on holiday.. I write crap to get back my sanity. So here it is, taken day by day!)
IN THE BEGINNING...
Logan walked into Chuck's office.
Chuck was happily fidgeting with some papers on his desk. He looked up when Logan came in. "Ah, Logan."
Logan slammed his hands palm-down on the table. "The kids, Chuck, the kids!"
"What about them?"
"They're doing... THINGS!!!"
Chuck blinked. "Things?"
"Yes, you barmy old codger, THINGS!!!"
"What sort of 'things', Logan?"
Logan leaned in really close. "Baaaad things. Very bad things."
Chuck blinked again. "Ah. I thought we'd have to do this sooner or later."
"Do what, Chuck? Lock the kids in the basement?!"
Chuck looked up at him, horrified. "No," he said patiently, "We're going to do sex-education, of course."
The thud of a body landing on the floor is much louder when you have adamantium bones.
DAY 1
Charles wheeled into the classroom. All of the X-men were there. (For X-men, read, anyone who was ever on the team and Piotr, Remy, and John.)
They were all talking and laughing.
Xavier cleared his throat loudly.
The noise continued.
"Students, quiet down please."
If anything, it got louder.
"QUIIIIIIETTT!!!"
The stunned silence was loud as well.
Xavier cleared his throat. "Ahem. Sorry about that. Anyway, Logan has informed me that a certain number of you have been involved in certain.. activities."
Kitty, Kurt, Remy, and Rogue (for the sake of this fic let's say she has a power negater hmm?) all blushed. Then John stood up. "OK, OK, I ADMIT IT! I used Kitty's toothbrush!" He broke down in tears and was led off by a very confused Ororo.
Xavier blinked. "Well.. um, anyway, the staff and I felt it necessary to instruct you all in the.. ahem, precautions and repercussions of these.. ahem, activities."
"Do you need a cough drop or something professor?" asked Rahne.
The professor almost choked for a second, and then snapped back to normal. "NO, I do not require any medical assistance. (He had reason to be somewhat startled. The last time he had a health education class he had ended up in the hospital having twenty bottles worth of cough syrup pumped out of his stomach, all because of a sneeze.) Uh, but ANYWAY, the staff and I have decided to take alternate days on which to teach you these things if my efforts are not succesful." The professor pulled up a chart. It was a typical sex-ed chart. Except of course that the "areas of interest" were in flourescent colours, pink being the most common.
"EEEEEEWWWW!" said all the students in unison.
He tapped the chart with a pointer-stick. "As you can see by this chart...."
HALF AN HOUR LATER
"And that is why it's bad to do these things," finished the professor. He turned to look at his audience. They were all passed out on their desks, looking shocked, except for Jamie, who was looking around himself with large, haunted eyes and twitching. "Oh, dear. Hank, call the group therapist!"
DAY TWO:
The X-men had more or less recovered from yesterday's lesson (less rather than more in most cases) and now it was Ororo's turn. She was sitting on the desk in a meditative postion, cross-legged and hands palm up on her thighs.
The students were eyeing her suspciciously. Surely calm Ororo couldn't keep flourescent charts?
She waited until everyone had entered to open her eyes. She sprung off her desk and began a spirited lecture on -ahem- symbolism, Tantric Yoga, and safety.
The result was more or less the same, except now everyone had "I didn't know people could bend that way!" expressions.
"So, in conclusion, it's perfectly all right to use what you've learned here, but please, be responsible," she said, turning to face her audience. "Oh, gods." She shook her head. "Ha-ank, it's time to call Dr. Swartzhman again..."
DAY THREE:
"Now, remember, Logan, your presentation has to be more then 'stop it right now or I'll gut you all'. You have to explain to them- without using threats- why we want to discourage these things at the institute. All right?" asked the professor.
Logan nodded and walked into the classroom. The place was silent already. Those who weren't still coping with the day before were dealing with yesterday. Logan shook his head. "All right. I'll give it to ya straight. Chuck likes kids. Hell, I like kids. But ya know what we don't like?"
All of the students (those who had retained their power of movement, that is) shook their heads.
"We don't like kids havin' kids, ya got that?"
Solemn nods, once again from those who could still move.
"Good," said Logan. "Anyone who ignores this gets DR time for a week."
"NO THREATS!" said the professor.
"It's not a threat," said Logan calmly as he walked out. "It's just a- ahem- forceful suggestion."
About five minutes later Rogue asked, "Is that... it?"
"You guys can move now," said Hank, poking his head into the room.
DAY FOUR:
"CHUCK!" cried Logan, for the second time that week running into his office.
"What's the matter n-" The professor's eyes widened. "You're projecting," he said, rubbing his temples. "Please, what happened?"
"Gumbo- and- and- Stripes- and... Half-pint.. Elf... ceiling.. making out!" He let out a yell of anguish. "THE IMAGES!"
The professor shuddered, just a bit. "YES Logan, I KNOW, you're PROJECTING."
"My point is, it ain't workin', Chuck! We gotta be more forceful about our suggestions!"
"If you mean threaten the students, I'm afraid we can't. The lawsuit is still pending from the last time you did, remember?"
"Yeah, but we still gotta do somethin' about it," said Logan.
"Well, Hank's yet to try. Perhaps he'll be better at it then us, being a teacher and all." The professor sighed. "You know, we should really have that group therapist on speed dial..."
A FEW HOURS LATER, THE CLASSROOM
Hank sat down on the desk, smiling at the class. "All right. You know the drill. I'm supposed to explain sexual matters to you and make it seem so abhorrent that you'll stop what you've been doing, at least until you're all LEGAL, I hope. Now then," he said, pulling down a chart.
Half the class shrieked and covered their eyes. The other just sat there, still in shock.
"What?" asked Hank, looking at it. It was just a list of terms; it's not like it was flourescent pink or anything.
A FEW MORE HOURS LATER
"Say it with me, class: abortion, DNA testing, parental lawsuit. That's why we don't want you to get involved in these- ahem- matters until you're a good bit over the legal age."
"Ah didn't know what that was called," said Rogue, looking pointedly at her feet.
Remy whistled innocently, looking at the ceiling.
"Like, YUCK," said Kitty, giving Kurt a sideways glance.
Kurt didn't appear to notice. His mouth was hanging open and his yellow eyes were open as wide as they would go.
"....Meep," said Jamie softly, and fell out of his desk in a dead faint.
Rahne snapped out of her shock-induced-trance when she saw Jamie in danger. "FIRST AID!" she cried and scooped him up. She ran full tilt down to the med lab, forgetting that Hank, the guy who more or less ran it, was already in the room.
"Ms. Sinclair?" called Hank after her. "Ms. SINCLAIR I'm right HERE!" Rahne ignored him and kept running. Hank sighed. "I regret giving that first aid class now," he muttered, shaking his head.
DAY FIVE:
It seemed that even Hank's lecture on the risks of such activities could not discourage the students.
So the professor called a staff meeting in his office. "All right. This is NOT working. We've all tried and failed. I say, why don't we let the students give it a shot? We give them a list of things to talk about, and poof, they'll stop. I think, anyway."
"Charles," said Ororo abruptly. "Why don't you just erase all of the knowledge of those kind of- er, things from the students' minds?"
"BECAUSE," said Charles with infinite patience, "doing so would be ethically wrong and might erase most of some of their psyches. Mr. LeBeau is an excellent example."
"So how would this work Chuck?" asked Logan, getting back on topic.
"It's very simple. We pick a few of the older males and a few of the older females, divide them up by gender, give them topics to discuss and let them work it out. I think that hearing it from their friends might discourage them a bit more than hearing it from us."
"Sounds good to us," said Hank, after a few moments of heated discussion.
The professor grinned. On anyone else it might've been described as evil.
"Five bucks says he caves by the end of the week," whispered Ororo to Logan.
"You're on, darlin'," replied Logan with a grin.
DAY SIX:
"Y' want us t' do WHAT?!" asked Remy, sitting stark upright in his seat.
Scott had yet to find the words to express his shock.
Kurt just twitched.
"I want you to explain to the younger boys what we've been trying to explain all week," said Charles patiently.
"Even though we're the main offenders?" asked Kurt, looking at the ceiling.
"Well, we figured it was too late for you," said Charles, shaking his head. "But we thought perhaps you could head the other boys off."
"Why aren't Pyro and Pete involved in dis?" asked Remy. He always felt better with his Acolyte pals to make fun of.
"They haven't.. done anything," said Charles in a tone that could only be described as delicate.
Remy gave Scott a look that clearly said "Scott got it on?"
Scott ignored him.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Ororo was attempting to explain the same thing to Kitty, Rogue, and Jean.
"No way!" said Rogue. "Ya can't actually expect us ta do this!"
Jean looked like she couldn't express her indignation.
Kitty just blinked. The words had yet to set in.
"Well, I do. We've tried to explain it all week, now it's your turn," said Ororo. "We're hoping you might be more succesful."
"Even though we're the main offenders?" asked Jean.
"We thought it was too late for you," said Ororo with a shrug. "We thought you might be able to head the other girls off though."
"Why aren't any of tha other girls involved in this?" asked Rogue.
"They haven't.. done anything," said Ororo, her tone careful.
Rogue and Kitty gave Jean a look that clearly said "Jean got it on?"
Jean ignored them.
A FEW HOURS LATER
"All right gentleman," said the professor, "You're first."
"Why us?!" asked Scott.
"You know more," replied the professor and wheeled off, leaving the guys in the classroom as the other teen males entered the room.
Remy looked up at the ceiling, trying to look innocent.
"We're doomed, aren't we," said Kurt. It wasn't a question.
"Yep," said Scott, with the grim face he saved for battles and arguments over the remote.
"So what're we gonna do?" whispered Kurt as the last of the boys trickled in.
Remy pulled out a tape from his trench coat. "Why don' we jus' show 'em dis? It oughta turn dem off a while."
"What is that?" asked Scott, gingerly prying the tape from Remy's fingers.
"Ain't you ever seen porn? Oh, wait. Stupid question," said Remy, smirking.
" 'Girls Gone Wild pt. fifty-nine?' " said Kurt, reading the label.
"Trust m'," said Remy, once again looking innocently at the ceiling. "It'll work. Either dat or.. well, we'll not go into dat."
"Why do I get the feeling that trusting you is the last thing I should do?" asked Scott, giving the tape a suspicious look.
"Why do I get the feelin' it's de only idea we got?" Remy asked of the ceiling.
"He's right, you know," said Kurt, nodding.
Scott sighed and pushed the tape into the machine. "I'm going to regret this," he muttered, pressing play.
TWO HOURS LATER
-Bowchickawowbowwowchickawow- (I'm going off what I've been told porn sounds like, ok? I, thankfully, have not had that experience yet. Yuck.)
Remy was still looking at the ceiling. He hadn't looked away since the tape started. He had a proper soundtrack blasting through a small pair of headphones, just in case normal ones got him told off.
But of course, Scott and anyone else in the room who might've done that were too busy avidly watching the video.
There was a beep and it ended.
"Where did you get that?!" asked Kurt, looking horrified.
"Can't hear y'," was Remy's response as he turned up the music. By now it was so loud anyone within five feet could hear French blasting from the 'phones. Remy didn't seem to mind, although they were the type that got jammed straight in your ear.
Scott opened and closed his mouth a few times. When he did speak, it was incoherent mumbling for about five minutes and then finally, "What was that?!"
"Say it wit' m', Scott: porn," said Remy, smirking at the ceiling now.
"Oy, mate," said John, who was the only one in the room (besides Remy) who could speak coherently without repeats and/or variations of "what was that?". "Why'd you steal moy tape? I was lookin' fer that."
"Considerin' y'r collection, I didn' t'ink y'd notice," Remy confessed.
"Well, I did," said John, collecting the tape. "The storyline pivots on part fifty-nine, thank ya very much."
"There was a storyline?" asked Kurt, looking even more scared then before.
"It only makes sense if you watch the whole thing, mate," said John in a "duh" tone. He walked out, muttering to himself about better security.
"Are you done then?" asked Hank, peering in.
Remy looked around at the incoherent group of boys. "Guess so," he said, walking out.
A LITTLE BIT LATER
Now it was the girls turn.
"Ah keep tellin' ya, we should just steal one of John's 'girl powah' tapes. We'd get way farther than with a lecture," protested Rogue.
"How do you know that anyway?" snapped Jean, scribbling some things on the dry erase board.
Rogue smirked. "Mah secret," she said, leaning back in her seat.
"You mean Remy, like, told you," said Kitty.
"Perceptive ain't ya," commented Rogue. "What in gawd's name is that?" she asked, looking at the scribbles on the board.
"It's a diagram," said Jean, taking a few steps back for full effect.
"It looks like two stick people doin' tha down and dirty ta me," replied Rogue, unimpressed.
"Well.. it is," said Jean with a shrug. "I never said I was any good at art."
"We're doomed," said Rogue, shaking her head and putting on her CD player.
"Hey, I need your help," said Jean, glaring at her.
"And Ah don't care. Wake me when this is ovah, ok, Kit?" Rogue closed her eyes.
"Ok," said Kitty.
"You'll help me, right Kitty?" begged Jean.
"Ok," repeated Kitty.
"It looks ok to you, right Kitty?" asked Jean, gesturing at the drawing.
"Ok," said Kitty a third time.
"Blah blah blah, right Kitty?" asked Jean, glaring at her.
"Ok," said Kitty for yes, a fourth time.
"KITTY!" shouted Jean.
Kitty snapped her head up. "Like, what?!"
"Could y'all keep it down?" asked Rogue without opening her eyes.
"NO!" shouted Jean. A lightbulb in the ceiling blew out.
"Like, calm down," said Kitty. "The girls are like here."
Truly, the girls had began to arrive. They walked in and hestatingly took their seats.
"Ok, this lesson's interactive!" said Jean cheerfully.
Rogue nearly fell off her seat laughing.
"Shut up, you," snapped Jean. She erased her picture, her grin looking more than a little forced. "Whoever can draw an accurate representation of- er, well, you know gets out of this."
To everyone's surprise it was Rahne who volunteered. She walked up to the bored, and after staring at it for a second, drew a complicated version of.. you know what I'm talking about, must I elaborate? It makes me uncomfortable.
Jean's and Kitty's jaws dropped. "Where'd you learn that?" asked Jean, once she'd gotten over most of her shock.
Rahne shrugged. "I was paying attention the last few days," she said with a shrug. She walked out.
Jean stared after her a second, then snapped back to reality. "Um, ok then. Now what?" she whispered to Kitty.
She shrugged.
"It's not too late ta raid Pyro's room," said Rogue.
"We are NOT showing them porn!" cried Jean.
"Porn?" echoed the girls.
"That's what tha guys did," said Rogue, her eyes shut.
"Then it's cheating," said Jean.
"No porn?" asked the girls.
"NO!" yelled Jean.
"Might Ah suggest anger management?" said Rogue, looking amused.
"Glad someone's getting enjoyment out of this," muttered Jean.
"All right," said Kitty, standing up. "You guys get the idea right? Sex is, like, bad; that's all there is to it. Well actually- but that's not, like, the point. The idea is, like, just avoid it until you're, like, overage, ok?"
There was no response from the girls.
"If we act like we accept this, can we leave?" asked Jubilee.
"Like, totally," said Kitty, bobbing her head.
"Ok, then, class dissmissed," said Rogue and walked out.
"But we haven't covered anything!" sputtered Jean.
"Why don't we, like, not and say we did, hmm?" asked Kitty, following Rogue.
The other girls stood up and trailed out, leaving a very confused Jean in their wake.
"So, how'd it go for y' guys?" asked Remy, leaning against the wall as Rogue came out.
Rogue smirked. "It went just great, Remy."
"Glad someone's happy," muttered Scott and Jean at the same time.
"Dat's just creepy," muttered Remy and walked off.
DAY SEVEN:
"I give up, Chuck. The kids are still doing the things. The younger ones ain't though," said Logan, looking defeated.
"Well, that's something," said Charles. "Technically, the ones who started this whole mess are overage anyway. We needn't've bothered."
"But that don't make it any less scary," said Logan, shaking his head.
"Well, it's something," said Charles. "I guess we'll just have to give up on it."
Logan walked out of the study, still with that defeated look on his face. However, it lifted a little when he went past Ororo. "Ya owe me five bucks, darlin'," he said with a smirk.
"Fine," said Ororo, shaking her head but smiling.
(Well then, that was fun. Please don't blame me if this makes no sense. The part from day two to day seven was written under the influence of three cans of MD in succession and another one as I wrote, at about eleven at night. Read and Review, because I would like that.)