I'm A WHAT!?!?!?!
..::midnite-azn::.
David Eddings
Author's Note: Welcome to my Two or Three-shot...I have no idea right now...I haven't even attempted Part 2...so I wouldn't know, although this was supposed to be a one-shot,it was too long for a one-shot...for this story let's pretend that Torak isn't dead, maimed or evil okay??? This is also when the gods are awake (yes including Issa) before Belgarath...long time a go huh? Hope you like this fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own David Eddings, Leigh Eddings, or any of the books they have written...
PLEASE READ!!
I realise some people don't bother reading Author notes. So to catch your attention, please read this:
Chaldan is very Child-ish, Nedra likes to fill up his purse(and he gets bored very easily), Belar likes women and ale, Torak is a playboy, Aldur and UL are hardly in this story, Marag is usually very secretive and Issa is very...well...sleepy-ish...
"-and as Gindorookswoke up..."
"I'm bored Nedra...I'm boooored....Nedra!! I'm-"A very infantile Chaldan whined.
Nedra fumed at this remark, which had been repeated at least 2000 times during the last 4 hours.
"Shut up Chaldan...this is the last time I'm coming here read you your bedtime stories!!!!!" A frustrated Nedra retorted as he slammed the book shut.
"That was what you said last time..."
"I DON'T CARE!!!! THIS IS FINAL!! I COULD HAVE BEEN TRADING WITH THE MORTALS RIGHT NOW IF THOU DIDN'T NAG ME TO READ THY GOLDIROOKS AND THE THREE COWS TO THOU!! PRAITHEE CHALDAN, ART THOU SUPPOSED TO DO THIS BY THYSELF??" Nedra was absolutely livid now.
Chaldan rolled his eyes, "Alright, alright I'll read this and get it all wrong and UL will get all-"
Nedra muttered something under his breath before starting to read out thestory again.
"And as soon as Goldirooks woke up, she came face to face with-"
"With a red bull??? Does he? Does he? And then theGoldirooks will perish because the Bull is such a courageous-"
And Nedra had had enough.
"ISSA!!!!! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!!! CHALDAN IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!"
::o0o::
"What to do...what to do..." Nedra wondered out aloud, he was usually bored out of his mind when he didn't have to do anything.
Nedra flipped through his assignment scrolls, when he realised that he could...
"Trading...no fun...traded with too many people so far...trading for tomorrow...sabotage someone else's trades...will get punished...how about mildly? That would be PERECT!!! PRANKING!!!"
Nedra rummaged through his bookcase until he found just what he was looking for.
"So...so far I've managed to prank...Issa, Mara AND Chaldan....Life's no fun anymore...who should be next?? Hm...." Nedra paced around his study thoughtfully, "Definitely not UL, I can never find him, Aldur's too smart, Torak's too mad, Issa's too sleepy to appreciate anything, Mara's too busy in his own world, Chaldan too gullible...and so that leaves...Belar!!!"
Nedra got back to work, thinking up possible pranks.
"Belar likes his women a lot...I wonder if I can transform myself into...no, he'll notice...what else does Belar like?
Nedra paced around his study room absentmindedly.
Women, can also be linked to...er...ale and wine!!! Belar himself had quoted that too.
The triumphant god raised his fist in a victorious gesture. He knew exactly what he would do...he would get Salisma the witch to conjure a barrel of ale with a magic potion concealed within the ale...so that any god who drank it would turn into...er...a...horse? Sure it would be fun to ride Belar for one, seeing as he always relied upon others to carry him home while he was drunk, and the fact that you couldn't really ride a bear without getting er...eaten...
::o0o::
Salisma was currently in deep meditation when Nedra found her.
"faks jahgo disem kodur yaege dsat-"
Nedra took a deep breath and coughed loudly.
Salisma opened one eye as uttered a single word.
"Yes?"
Nedra gave her a bored look.
"Salisma dah-ling, I have 2 favours to ask, firstly can you stop all of that senseless blabber and secondly, can you conjure a potion so that anyone who drinks it will be turned into a horse?"
"Firstly, Nedra 'dah-ling', I will not stop my so called 'senseless blabber' or in my language 'meditation', and secondly a witch does not conjure potions we make them, and so I will not conjure you a potion, but I would be delighted if you asked me to make a potion" Salisma drawled.
"Salisma, will you make me a potion which will turn a God into a horse if it is drunk?"
Salisma's eyes narrowed, "With manners."
"Please, and make sure it tastes, looks and smells like ale." Nedra told her bluntly.
"It will be ready tomorrow afternoon. Now shoo, so I can continue my senseless blabber without your annoying presence."
Nedra grumbled as he translocated back to his mansion of a home.
"Sooooooooooo...bored..."
::o0o::
Torak sat in his Angarak tower, looking down at his servants, which scurried around all around the place.
Looking back at the mirror in front of him, Torak sighed.
"I'm still as gorgeous looking more ever...more gorgeous than any of my followers...thank goodness." And with that Torak ran his hand through his luxurious mop of black hair.
Women swooning could be heard, even from the tower. Embarrassed husbands clawed their wives back from his sole supremacy. Torak rolled his eyes...those women were right, he was gorgeous, sometimes maybe too perfect with his toned abs, dazzling white smile, that sexy body, those husbands didn't stand a chance at all. Maybe he should rule the world sometime if he was that perfect. Leaning out of the window he waved and blew kisses at his adoring fans, before dropping a single rose. As tradition, Torak dropped a rose every week, and the woman who caught could go up the tower to be with the Angarak God for one hour.
Females all over the place scrambled around, pushing, shoving, practically anything to get their hands on that rose. Unknown to them Torak chose the bearer of each rose, by directing the rose's every move with his eyes.
Torak smiled wickedly to himself. I am such a player...a playboy even...so evil...
This time, Torak chose a redhead, with dazzling green eyes. She looked very innocent and shrieked in excitement when the rose drifted neatly into the palm of her hand.
"Gabrielle!!! Give it to me!!!" A woman screeched fro the crowd.
Gabrielle looked up at Torak inquiringly. Her look was met with a seductive wink.
The Gromlin escorts approached Gabrielle and ushered her up the tower, where she met a half dressed Torak, draped in a silky black cloak.
::o0o::
Belar woke up early the next morning, and it was really no surprise to see that he had a slight headache. After all, he had been drinking heavily the night before. Over the years, Belar could drink and come up with very mild hangovers; he was used to it anyway.
"Farath!!! Come bring me some wet towels!!" He ordered briskly. Almost immediately, a servant rushed out of the Servant Headquarters carrying a whole tray of wet towels for his master. Obediently, Farath bowed and muttered, "Here are the towels, My Lord," before scurrying back.
Belar sighed.
Why were people so scared of him? It wasn't like he would stamp on their heads if he was displeased with them...was it?
Belar then had a mental image of what would happen if he didn't...thank goodness they were scared of him...
"What will it be tonight, My Lord? Miryan's, Gangy's or Forfeath's?" Drinokin, Belar's assistant asked eagerly.
"Gangy's at 8:00 with wild boar for dinner"
Drinokin enthusiastically scrambled to the man who was dressed in a crimson tunic and nodded, while his onlookers watched him in envy.
"So, Miryan and Forfeath, our bet?" The man in the crimson Tunic, obviously Gangy grinned evilly at them. Miryan and Forfeath grudgingly handed over several pieces of gold to the gloating Gangy.
::o0o::
Chaldan sat in his large scarlet chair, sipping a cup of milk serenely, before pushing a big, red button. A loud bell rang and immediately all the servants that occupied Chaldan's mansion rushed to his side, eagerly awaiting whatever he was about to say.
"Servants, I have a very important announcement to make," Chaldan paused, letting his eyes wander, "THERE ARE FOOTPRINTS ON THE CEILING!!!"
Every single head in the room shot up.
"Gotcha!!" Chaldan roared in laughter. Several servants rolled their eyes in disgust. This had happened before.
"LOOK, A DISTRACTION!!!"
"Is that a porcupine?"
"HI BOB!!!"
"LOOK!!!"
"As I was saying," Chaldan was not doing a very good job at stifling his laughter; there were still a couple of people looking up.
Suddenly there was a knocking at the door.
"CHALDAN!! IT'S ME NEDRA!! OPEN UP!!"
"OKAY!! HOLD ON!!"
Chaldan grinned sheepishly at his servants.
"Carry me?" He asked hopefully.
::o0o::
Chaldan grinned evilly.
"So let me get this straight, you want me to deliver a tank of ale tasting potion that will turn Belar into a horse?"
Nedra nodded slowly, "Yes, That is correct. Congratulations."
"That is pure genius!!!!"
"Make it look like a peace offering, and try not look too conspicuous or obvious that something is going to happen okay?"
Chaldan grinned, a little too wide for Nedra's comfort. Nedra shifted uneasily in his seat.
"I expect you to be my house at 6pm sharp...the ale will be there for collection, and of course, I will be accompanying you."
::o0o::
Nedra paced impatiently around his study.
"6:00 and 4 seconds, 5, 6, 7, 8..."
Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. Nedra jumped and twitched excitedly.
It wasn't Chaldan. It could wait.
"Master Nedra!! It is Ginko!! Ginko has some important news!!"
Nedra rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Let him in."
A small man in a grey tunic bowed before the God.
"What is the important news?"
Ginko sighed.
"It has come to Ginko's attention that you are holding a secret mission. Ginko would very much like to help, and so Ginko has found some information for Master. First of all, the banquet will beheld at the Greenwood Forest at 8pm. Ginko was thinking that if lots of people were there that Master would like me to hire a woman to feed the ale to Belar, so Belar will not suspect dear master."
Nedra contemplated the tempting offer.
"Okay, so you will instruct the girl to feed him the ale? I shall pay you 300 gold for that."
Ginko looked taken aback.
"Ginko appreciates Master's help, but it is too of a generous offer for me. All I would like to see is Belar as a horse." Ginko said quietly.
Nedra looked at Ginko closely.
"I see you are not Tolnedran, are you?"
"No, Ginko is a...actually Ginko doesn't know what he is... all he knows is that he was in Riva when he grew up and then moved to Tolnedra 20 years ago. Ginko hopes Nedra doesn't mind."
Nedra shook his head rather foolishly.
"Is Master okay?"
"I am fine Ginko, I was just thinking, would you like to gatecrash Belar's banquet, or spy on them at least?"
Ginko nodded enthusiastically.
"Well, we better get you looking up to scratch, shouldn't we?"
::o0o::
"6:05 and 56, 57..."
"I'M HERE NEDRA!!!!"
Nedra sighed at Chaldan, who looked like he had somehow found a way to fly to the sun without getting burnt.
"Chaldan!! You're 5 minutes and 58 seconds late!!! We better get going...NOW"
Chaldan grinned.
"Ginko!!"
Suddenly a purple blur zoomed around, stopping right at Nedra's feet.
"Yes Master?"
Nedra was stunned at the speed of Ginko.
"Er...we're going now...now, I want you to listen to me, we are going to translocate to the place of the banquet, so be warned, you might feel a little giddy." Nedra smiled encouragingly.
Ginko cocked his head to the side in confusion.
"Look, don't worry, okay?"
Now, the ale...should be on its way, actually it should be there now...
"By the way, Ginko has arranged the girl, she is Anjelique, she will do her job free of charge, because of you."
Nedra nodded silently.
I hope Anjelique gets it right...
::o0o::
"Do you think he's okay?" Chaldan bent over the body of Ginko, who had gotten a little giddy during the translocation.
"I hope so, I owe him...oh and by the way, you won't need to offer the ale, well maybe offer it, then leave it alone, Ginko here has volunteered to get a woman to feed it to our beloved brother."
Chaldan eyes widened a considerable amount. He started to poke Ginko's body very nervously.
"Hmmm...?" Ginko started to stir.
"We'd better get back to work..."
Chaldan nodded obediently,
::o0o::
Torak let out a big sigh. 'That' Gabrielle, she was the biggest mistake he had ever made. She was about 15 to 16 years old; her hormones were supposed to kicking in....why wasn't he getting a good shag out of her? SHE thought he wanted to play dress ups...how pathetic.
KNOCK KNOCK
"Yes???" Torak asked, obviously teed off.
"It's from Belar, Kal Torak. He's holding a banquet tonight with wine, ale and women." Torak's head immediately jerked up. Now was his perfect chance to get what he had been deprived of for so long.
::o0o::
"So let me get this straight, okay? You have picked the ale up, but you haven't given the ale yet?" Nedra eyed Chaldan suspiciously.
"How did you guess?" Chaldan beamed.
"I judge by the fact you still have the barrel in your arms."
Chaldan looked down at his arms, where the barrel lay.
"Oh..."
"Get on with it!!" And with that Nedra pushed Chaldan into the forest, where many servants scurried around the place, getting the place ready.
"Um...can I know where Belar is?" Chaldan asked nervously.
"I can't tell you- oh wait, you're Chaldan and ooooh, ale I presume?"
Chaldan nodded sheepishly.
"Belar? He's in his palace."
::o0o::
"HELLO!!!! BELAR!! IT'S ME!!! CHALDAN!!!! HELLO!!!" Chaldan yelled at the door, knocking furiously.
Belar grunted and proceeded to the door.
BOOM!!!
The door fell down. Chaldan stood there glaring at the door.
Belar gaped.
"CHALDAN!!! HOW COULD YOU...er," Belar saw the Barrel," welcome, welcome!!1 Come right in!!"
Chaldan bowed stupidly and handed the barrel to Belar.
"Thank you...may I enquire what is in this barrel?"
"Ale...I think..."
Belar licked his lips.
"I'll serve it tonight, do you want to come?" Belar asked politely.
"YuP" Chaldan answered enthusiastically.
"But no sugar..."
Chaldan showcased the more colourful side of the English language.
"There are ladies?" Belar put on a very scary grin.
"O-kay...I'll b-be t-t-there...." Chaldan stuttered before bolting out the door, not looking back, just in case he caught the sight of one of the freakiest grins in all of history.
::o0o::
Torak spent the whole afternoon choosing his outfit. In short, Torak was very, VERY picky.
"Red? No...too Chaldan-ish, White? Too saintly and innocent, Blue...too Aldur-ish...how about green? I look like an apple...Yellow...too 'jolly,' Belar will get mad if I wear brown...why not black?? It will make me look pretty sexy..." Torak paused and went through his wardrobe, which was comprised of robes not any other colour other than black.
"Tight robes, will accent my toned abs...make me more appealing...but loose robes will make me look more laid back...also very appealing very easy access too...in a girl's point of view..." Torak looked at both, before choosing the loose robes.
"Now, Velvet or Silk?? Or fur?? I like velvet...but not really huh?" Torak tickled his beloved pet dragon Torak Jnr, whose ruby eyes shone luminously in the dimly lit room.
Torak paced around the room, absorbed in his own thoughts, contemplating whether to wear velvet or silk...now that WAS hard.
There's Part One done...hope you like it...Ergh...I really don't know whether to finish this...please review, part two should be on the way. Please no flames, only constructive critticism. I know I don't write like David Eddings, 'cuz I'm not him am I....I don't thin so at least...
BaiZ
midnite-azn
the green apple