Title: Insanity
Author: alliterator
Summary: Buffy wonders if she's gone insane.
Story Notes: Takes place after "Older and Far Away"
Disclaimer: The characters within this story are not mine. They belong to Joss
Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. Plus, some of the dialogue was directly lifted
from the episode "Dead Things".
Buffy lay in bed, staring idly at the ceiling. There was nothing really interesting on the ceiling; she was just looking at it captivated, like she had so many times. Staring at it trying real hard not to have any real thoughts in her head. She did so because she was trying to put out all the nasty thoughts from earlier. From when she and Spike had... she didn't want to go there. Any place but there. That reminded of the game she and Willow and Xander used to play. She remembered how Xander always chose Amy Yip at the Waterslide Park. She wondered where those days had gone. Where had that innocence gone? Where had that girl with the bright smile who fought vampires, demons, and the forces of evil every night, but still had time to go to the mall with her friends go?
"You see... you try to be with them, but you always end up with in the dark..." he whispered into her ear, "with me. What would they think of you if they found out all the things you've done? If they knew who you really were?" He rubbed up against her, delighting in how he was giving her pleasure while separating her from her friends.
She whispered, "Don't..."
"Stop me," he said, pushing forward against her will. She closed her eyes, trying to stop from looking at him or anyone. "No," he told her, "don't close your eyes. Look at them." She opened her eyes and stared out from the balcony at her friends. "That's not your world," he said, pulling up closer, "you belong in the shadows... with me. Look at your friends and tell me you don't love getting away with this right under their noses."
She just stared, not answering.
She stared up at the ceiling, trying to not think. It's not working. It keeps coming back into her head, invading her thoughts. That conversation. As she stared up at the empty, blank ceiling searching for answers, she comes to only one conclusion.
"I am going crazy?" she asked herself.
Buffy wiped the counter, swiftly moving her arms back and forth, pushing the dirty napkin to and fro and wiping up the spilled soda. She could hear almost everything in the room: the customer's conversations with each other, eager to tell the latest bit of gossip, the crying baby who refused to quiet down even when her parents tried to feed her, the quiet hum of the smoothie machine and the soft sizzling of the fryer.
The fries – oh crap!
She hurried over to the fryer, but it was too late. She had forgotten about the fries when she went to clean the spilled soda. She dumped the fries out of the fry basket and onto the counter to inspect the damage. Almost all the fries were blackened and burnt beyond recognition.
"Buffy," Lorraine said from behind her. Buffy had let her senses go when she remembered the fries, so she hadn't heard her boss come up behind her, "that's the third batch of fries you've burnt today." She looked at Buffy in bewilderment.
"I'm sorry," Buffy said sweepings the fries into the trash with her hand, "I was busy cleaning a soda spill and I forgot about them."
Lorraine looked at her some more. "Buffy," she finally said, "is there anything wrong?"
"What do you mean?" Buffy said, confused.
"Are you having any troubles at home?" Lorraine asked. "Is there anything that you need to talk about?"
"No," Buffy said, "everything's fine. Why do you ask?"
"It just seems that you been a bit... preoccupied lately."
"You're never here." Dawn said, "You can't even stand to be around me."
Buffy was taken aback. "That is not true," she told Dawn.
"You don't want to be here with me," Dawn was holding back tears. "You didn't want to come back. I know that. You were happier where you were." She finally broke out crying and tears flowed down her cheeks. "You want to go away again," she said.
"Dawn..." Buffy tried to explain.
"Then go!" Dawn yelled at her. "You're not really here anyway."
"I just want to make sure that everything's okay," Lorraine's voice brought her back to the real world.
"Well, everything is," Buffy went back to the counter, picking up stray bits of burnt fries and tossing them in the trash.
"Alright," Lorraine said and then turned and went away. Buffy looked as she went back into her office and wished so much to tell her. To tell everybody. She wanted to tell all her friends, but whenever she tried she couldn't bring herself to do it. Why couldn't she do it?
Am I going insane? she thought as she went back and cleaned up the rest of the soda spill.
Clink, clink, the keys rattled together as Buffy locked the cash register. There was hardly anyone left in the Doublemeat Palace, only an old man with a cane and a couple of teenagers.
"Excuse me," Buffy said loudly, getting the attention of the old man and the teenagers, "the Doublemeat Palace is closing now." The old man grumbled and the teenagers giggled to each other about something that Buffy could care less about.
As the old man ambled away muttering about "no respect", his cane making a thunking sound on the pavement, Buffy and Sophie closed up. As they turned off the lights and walked outside, Buffy heard footsteps behind her and quickly turned around. She immediately recognized the bleach blond hair and black duster. "What do you want, Spike?" she said, too tired to try and argue with him.
"You know what I want," Spike said sauntering up to her.
"Hey," Sophie said, "you were at Buffy's party." Buffy had forgotten Sophie had been standing next to her.
"Yeah," Buffy said to her, "he was. Sophie, you can leave if you want. I'll finish here."
"Sure," Sophie said, "my mom's waiting for me at the corner."
As Sophie left, Buffy turned away from Spike and started to lock the door. In the middle of the process he grabbed her arm. "Come with me," he said gripping her tightly.
"No," she hesitated, the keys still in the lock, "I have to go home."
"You can come with me," Spike said soothingly, "my crypt isn't far. Or maybe you just want to do it here." He started moving his arm up and down her body slowly.
"No..." Buffy tried to pull away, but Spike pulled her closer to him, "I don't want to."
"Do you really mean that?" Spike asked as he slid between her and the door. He started rubbing her body with both hands and Buffy closed her eyes and moaned.
"Don't..." Spike cut her off with a kiss. His hands were soft and rough as they climbed up and down her body and his lips were supple against hers. She tried to resist, but the more she did, the more she wanted to give in. When she finally gave up, he had his hands up her blouse and she moaned with pleasure.
"I love you," he whispered in her ear before going back to kissing her.
She looked down on the bruised and battered face before her as he said "You always hurt the ones you love."
Twenty minutes later the keys were still in the lock.
Buffy was lost in thought as she walked home. Why do I let him do that to me? she thought, unconsciously moving around puddles on the sidewalk. I don't need him, do I? she successfully avoided a pile of canine feces. Is there something wrong with me? No, Tara said that I came back fine. Maybe something's wrong mentally with me? She had tried to put that thought out of her head as she walked, but it kept on coming back. What if the trauma of coming back from the dead caused her mind to lose it? Had she finally gone mad?
At that moment, she was interrupted in her thoughts by two vampires who attacked her, thinking she was just a harmless snack they could feed upon. She threw one vamp behind her as she backhanded the other vamp and sent him flying.
"Shit," one of the vamps said, "it's the Slayer. Let's get out of here." They both took off running.
"Not now," Buffy said to herself, "I'm exhausted from working all night, so I really don't want to chase you." The vamps couldn't hear her though since they were already out of earshot. "I guess I have to though," Buffy sighed, dropped her bag, and then took off after the vampires.
She caught up with them easily – the vamps were slow and she had Slayer speed – so she let them have it. She gave the first vamp a roundhouse kick to the midsection that put him on the ground as the other vampire tried to grappled her. She flipped the vampire over onto the ground and hit him in the solar plexus. Too bad she didn't have any stakes, she had left them in her bag when she dropped it, but she would improvise.
"C'mon, Spike," the vamp she had kicked earlier had gotten up and was about the run away, "let's get going." Spike? He called him Spike? she thought about the vampire's unusual moniker. There's another vampire named Spike?
Just then the vampire on the ground – Spike, his name seemed to be – kicked her in the face and then got up and started to run to his friend. He never made it. In a second Buffy was on him, pounding away, hitting him in whatever place that she could find. She didn't even try to search for something to stake him with; she just kept on thrashing on him up until he finally slumped to the ground battered and bleeding. His friend had come back and was now trying to drag him away from her.
"Jeez," the vampire said, trying to pull his friend who was still bleeding on the ground, "you're crazy."
When she found a stake – actually a nearby fence pole – and staked them, she sat down on the pavement and thought about why she did it. Why had she beaten to a bloody pulp that vampire? Was it because his name was Spike? Why would that bother her, he wasn't anything like Spike?
Am I? she thought. Am I crazy?
When Buffy had gotten home, Dawn had already gone to sleep. She must have been tired. Buffy thought. So am I. I think I'll get some rest myself. But as she climbed into her bed, thoughts kept coming to her. About what happened with Spike, both vampires. She couldn't sleep. She kept thinking Am I really crazy? Is that why I let him do that? Finally, since she knew she wouldn't get any sleep, she crept out of bed and went to the living room. There, she plopped down on the couch and turned on the television, turning the sound down to make sure she wouldn't wake Dawn. After switching channels a few times, she finally settled on I Love Lucy.
After I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, and three infomercials, she finally fell asleep.
In her dream, she was outside the Doublemeat Palace kissing Spike, like she had done earlier. Only this time, all her friends were around watching. Xander and Anya were holding hands at her right, while Willow and Tara were to her left, and the other Spike and his friend in the middle. They were all staring, not saying anything, not moving an inch. She and Spike kept on kissing, until he stopped suddenly and said "Do you love me?"
"Yes," she told him.
"You're not in love," he told her, pushing her away, "you're merely insane."
"What?" she was confused. "Why did you say that?"
"Because, Buffy," the other Spike came up to her, "you are."
"I'm not," she said, "I'm not insane."
"She doesn't understand," Anya said to Xander.
"Of course she doesn't," Xander replied, "crazy people can't understand."
"I hear it's in this year," Willow said.
"Only if you're a lunatic," Tara said and they all laughed.
"What... why are you saying that?" Buffy looked around at her friends.
"Don't you understand?" the other Spike told her. "You're crazy, bonkers, out of your mind, insane."
Suddenly, everyone started chanting, shouting "insane" at Buffy. She pulled away and covered her ears. "No..." she closed her eyes and crouched down in a fetal position.
Buffy woke up drenched in sweat. She was lying on the couch and the television was on. She sighed with relief as she sat up and closed and opened her eyes a few times. She looked at the television: West Side Story was on and Natalie Wood was dancing. Buffy got up and stretched her legs and then reached over to find the remote. Suddenly, she heard from the TV, said in song, "She's not in love, she's merely insane" and she froze. She quickly turned the TV off, not eager to hear any more lines from her dream.
After dropping Dawn off at school, Buffy sat in her room and contemplated. She needed to talk to somebody, she needed to tell someone what she was feeling, the questions she was asking herself. But Willow and Xander wouldn't understand, they didn't know about Spike yet. That left her one option.
Buffy left for Tara's dorm and reached it in a half-hour. She felt nervous and jittery, as she prepared to not on Tara's door. Why do I feel this way? she thought. I've told Tara about me and Spike, why should this be any different?
Still nervous, she knocked on Tara's door. There was no answer. She must be at a class, Buffy felt somewhat relieved, but also tense because she needed to tell someone. If not Tara, then who?
Buffy dropped her bag to the floor and then sat down herself to wait for Tara.
Tara was later than Buffy thought. She must've gotten some breakfast, too. I forgot to have breakfast today, darn. After two hours, Buffy had nodded off slightly, but she kept herself half awake to make sure she did not have a repeat of last night's dream.
"Buffy?" Buffy looked up from where she sat on the floor and saw Tara.
"Oh, hi," Buffy got up from the floor and brushed herself off. "I wanted to speak with you."
"How long have you been waiting there?" Tara asked.
"Oh, not long," Buffy said, "a couple hours. I passed the time."
"Doing what?" Tara pulled a key from her pocket and opened her dorm room.
"You know," Buffy walked in the dorm room after Tara, "counting the tiles on the ceiling."
"What did you want to talk to me about?" Tara closed the door.
"I..." Buffy couldn't find the words to say what she wanted to say. Finally, she blurted out "Am I insane?" She looked down at the floor, tense and overwrought and spilled out all the thoughts she was having, the dream she had, everything. She finally broke down into tears and Tara came and let her cry on her shoulder.
"Buffy," Tara said sweetly, "you're not insane."
"I'm not?" Buffy said, tears blurring her eyes.
"No," Tara told her, "it's just that the world is a crazy place and nobody can stay perfectly sane, no matter what."
"Really?" Buffy wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Yes," Tara said, "even me." That reassured Buffy a lot. She stood up.
"Thank you," Buffy said to Tara, "thank you so much."
"It wasn't..." Tara started.
"It was," Buffy said.
Buffy walked to the door and opened it. Before leaving, she turned around, looked at Tara, and then smiled.
"Where does the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blending enter into the other. So with sanity and insanity." – Herman Melville