Journal Journeys

Sitting next to him at their small table in the Windsor House Hotel during dinner, Julia asked, "William, you said something I found to be … a little odd, to Emily. What did you mean by, 'You and I both know that Lillian's journey was a beautiful one. You will grieve for her here, but do not fret for her – she is well'? … It seemed that you and Emily had some shared experience – one that was exclusive …"

One thing led to another and William ended up digging out his journal and finding the entry about his experience while he was dead, before Emily brought him back to life. He handed the battered, brown record of his inner thoughts to Julia to read. Sitting next to him on the couch, Julia was speechless for a moment after she read it– there was so much to take in. Not only had William died, but Emily was a member of a group that experimented with their own deaths – even had a member of the group stay dead, … and William had a journal. It seemed that this last realization was what astonished her the most. Upon reflection, however, she decided that she should not have been surprised that he wrote down his deepest thoughts, for she knew he had them and that he seemed quite capable of reflecting on them as well. His private, deep nature, along with his, sometimes revealed, acute mastery of expressing thoughts with language would lend themselves to such endeavors. Her curiosity was piqued and she wanted to read more – much, much more. But the matter at hand was death, and so she knew they would need to linger here a bit longer.

"When was this William? … Was I around … to see, umm, to see your reaction to dying and surviving it to tell the story?" she asked.

William reached up to take one of her curls in his fingers and with his warm, big, and irresistibly gorgeous eyes holding hers he answered, an air of sadness floating in with his breath, "No … I was quite alone then. You were married … gone. Life consisted of placing one foot in front of the other, moving forward as best as I could without you." He wrinkled up his face, implying that he had to accept what was – "It was what it was."

Looking back down at the journal, she considered what she had read and asked, "How do you think this experience affected you? Are you less afraid of dying?"

"I guess so … but the few times since then that I have faced death, my instincts to fight it still seemed just as strong as ever," he answered.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. I'd be devastated if I lost you and I want to know that you will do everything in your power to stay around… for me if for nothing else," Julia said. She placed her hand to caress his cheek and then kissed him.

William felt the need to temper, what had sometimes been interpreted as, his controlling behavior with his desire for the same thing when it came to Julia's life. He said, "As is the same when it comes to my concern for you." He shifted their positions on the couch, placing Julia beneath him, and kissed her. Their kissing grew in intensity. Buttons were undone, clothes slid across skin until it was freed, kissing the air. The lovemaking was slow and tender. There was a cherishing of each other expressed during this kind of passion that always served to strengthen their bond, solidify their love for one another.

Content and happy, lying together on their tiny couch in a tangle of partially removed clothing and arms and legs, Julia's mind drifted back to William's journal. As she stroked his chest, she said, "You know William, I am quite intrigued by your journal … I would really, really like to read more."

"Perhaps, … some excerpts," he said, reminding both of them of Julia's response many years ago to William's request to read the journal she had written while in Prague.

"How about now? She said, pressing forward before he could say no she continued, "Can you think of anything you wrote that would reveal something new about our relationship … something I don't already know … perhaps about our history, and maybe telling more about your experience of it?" she pushed.

William released a soft chuckle and then raised an eyebrow at her. "I believe there are quite a few entries that would meet that requirement," he answered with a small, shy smile curling up at the corners of his mouth. He lifted himself up onto one of his elbows creating space for her to roll a bit under him again. Their eyes lined up. "Umm, you know Julia … uh … You won't read anything without my permission will you?" he asked. She gave him a feigned insulted look. He continued, "You can sometimes be impulsive … I mean in many ways it's quite endearing and something I love about you, but … I wouldn't want you to read it without my knowledge …"

"Hmm, … I must admit I am tempted …" she teased, provoking William to raise his eyebrow at her again. "But, if you really don't want me to, then I won't," she promised. He seemed so vulnerable. She added, "Don't worry William. I promise." Then she squeezed out from under him and sat up, "So …"

William sat up next to her, sighed, and said, "Let's get into our pajamas first," and then went into their bedroom, retrieved his blue pajama bottoms and her white nightgown. They covered themselves in their most comfortable clothing, piled up the day's clothes to deal with later, and then sat back down together on the couch. Looking his wife in the eye, he reached up and tucked his hand under her ear and gently rubbed his thumb across her cheek. Then he turned his attention to the journal and asked, "Any time in particular?"

The possibilities seemed endless to her, when they first met, when he was courting Enid Jones, or while they were trying to get Darcy to grant her a divorce. And then there were all the heart-breaking times too – like when she left for Buffalo and when she married Darcy. She thought about it. Wanting to get as much out of it as possible, she decided to risk feeling saddened by learning about what he had felt when she had left him and said, "Well, I am quite curious about the times we weren't together – like when I was in Buffalo."

William wrinkled up one side of his face and sighed. "Umm, I wasn't very happy then Julia. Are you sure that's what you want to read about?" he asked. She nodded and William reached over to lift the journal up off of the table. He turned quickly to a particular page and said, "You wanted something that you didn't know? …"

Her voice low, she said, "Yes," She thought, "I wonder if he knows how much his trust in me touches me? I must be careful here." She turned her body to better face him and pulled her legs up onto the couch.

He went to hand her the journal, but instead she asked him to read it to her – William's thoughts, William's words, in William's voice.

He read:

"It seems that ascertaining the reason she left may be unfeasible. There are so many contradictions. She wanted to work as a healer so she had to leave… but she had said that it was, "not just about her work," right before Higgins called us to a crime scene.

She said it was because she knew I wanted a family and she could not have children. She thought I'd stop loving her because of that – … Oh, how impossible it has been to stop loving her.

But, she had revealed something more by what she stopped herself from saying. It plagues me every day. She had started, "You know how rarely opportunities come along for a woman in my field. I can't ignore them on the off chance that you …" … That I what? If I could only figure that out. It was something I could do, or not do, and it would have made her stay. Perhaps it could even get her back… Perhaps it was, "… on the off chance that I would marry her." She could not have known I was saving to buy a ring – a ring worthy of her? When we rode together in the carriage she said, "Because no one is offering me anything here." Was that a veiled statement about a marriage proposal? For the third time since she left, I sit here staring at this ring. I could take it to Buffalo, tell her I love her, that I can't live without her, ask her to marry me. All I need is the courage… the willingness to risk the hurt and devastation of being turned away…"

(As William read, Julia thought "This is so much more like him really – analytical, cerebral. He's writing about his thoughts, his use of logic to solve a problem. The one about dying was so much more emotional. .. And, oh, how he struggles. And he loved me - He never stopped loving me.")

(William turned the page and continued)

"She sent a telegram. She needs my help. I'm bringing the ring… Hopefully my bravery as well…

(Julia felt herself gasp just a little. She thought, "He was going to propose to me when he came to Buffalo – He was going to ask me to marry him – in person … months after he had failed to send the telegram with his proposal! Her mind rushed back and then ahead. She knew what was to come and already felt the hopeless sadness welling up in her chest.)

We walked together, down the steps in front of her hospital. It seemed like good-bye. I had the ring in my hand, waiting, hidden in my pocket. My mind raced so. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my hands shaking – knees too. Only a couple of inches – I just needed to lift the ring up, then there would be no turning back.

(As William read, it seemed his heart really was beating faster. His jaw was tight, nervousness was creeping in.)

Through the buzzing in my ears I heard her… open up, offer me an in. She said, "It's done my heart good to see you again…"

"Ask her now," I thought. And I did it! I lifted the box out of my pocket, I said I agreed with her and I took her hand…

(William leaned back, his posture changing, his look defeated, and he sighed)

I can't remember what she said, how it happened, but the ground fell out from under me. She was telling me 'no' – there was never going to be an 'us'… I remember now, she said, "We can't renew our relationship." Stunned, just stunned – like when she told me she was sterile. My silence cost me then. I would not be silent now.

"What's to stop us?" Perhaps I really wanted to know – to know why she didn't love me anymore. What had changed? How I had lost her? It was a pointless question really – it was already done. She was gone – I just hadn't seen it yet.

(William became choked up as he read, but he continued)

She said she loved another – was engaged to be married. I had made wrong assumptions … thought she still loved me … thought she ever loved me.

(Tears flowed down Julia's face. She was glad she wasn't reading – She would not have been able to see the writing on the page.)

I was so shattered I am surprised I had the strength to ask, but I guess I needed to know because it might help me figure out what was wrong with me that led her to choose another if I knew who the other was, so I asked.

(William sighed again. Tears were welling up in his eyes – only his long lashes holding them back.)

Dr. Darcy Garland – I guess that said it… wealthy … professional, like her. I was outclassed, probably never really had a chance. "Don't cry! Don't you dare cry," I urged myself. Then I felt the ring – It was still in my hand. She hadn't seen it – Didn't know I was going to ask. If nothing else, I could get away without embarrassing myself. I congratulated her … them. She wrapped her arms around me, probably for the last time ever,

(Now William's tears glistened his cheeks)

… And we hugged good-bye. Over her shoulder I found my gaze stuck on the ring – this worthless, worthless ring.

I made it away from her before the tears overtook me. I couldn't get in the carriage quickly enough. The driver had to notice my crying, but it could not be helped. In the carriage, alone, I wept. Once back at my motel, the driver said he was, "sorry for my loss." "How could he know," I thought. Seeing my confusion he explained that often people leave the Children's Hospital in tears – losing a child must be the worst thing that happens to people. "Perhaps," I thought, "… I had lost my children the day she told me she couldn't have children … Worse things do happen, I can't really believe I've lost her too – lost the only woman who ever really knew me, the only woman who ever would.

William slowly closed the journal and placed it on the table. He turned to look at her, wiping a tear from his cheek. Her eyes were down, but he could tell she was crying. She was looking at her hands – her rings.

"Oh my William … You're right, I didn't know you were going to propose when we stood together on those steps. She shook her head, then lifted it to catch his eyes, "It hurts so," she said putting her hand to her heart, her crying growing in intensity as she saw his tear-soaked face.

William was unable to answer. He nodded and then pushed out a, "Yes."

He opened his arms to her and she curled up into them. They cried together for a time. When the tears had run their course, William asked, "What were you going to say that day in the morgue? … on the off chance that I – what?"

She adjusted her position to rest her head on his chest, "I wasn't planning on ever telling you I couldn't have children, William. That's why I had to stop. I was going to say "…on the off chance that you would still love me even if you knew I was unable to bear your children."

"Oh," he said. "Well, of course now you know that I do," he said, close to her ear. She shook her head, let the comfort of his words sink in.

Julia added, "I knew you were getting ready to propose. It was the reason I was in such a rush to leave. I knew if you proposed, I would have to tell you about my sterility. My heart couldn't take the thought of having you reject me in such a permanent way as I believed you would if you knew."

"But, if I proposed after you told me, that would have convinced you that you were wrong – that I could … did … love you despite our not being able to have children?" he asked.

"Yes, I suppose," she responded."

He leaned forward and placed his hand on her chin. He turned her to face him more directly. "Tragic," he nearly whispered, "I just missed your train – caught sight of the red caboose pulling away. I almost sent that telegram … Then as we stood on the steps in Buffalo – the ring only inches from your finger," he shook his head. His expression changed, he wrinkled up one side of his face and said, "Well, I guess the fifth time's the charm," he winsomely joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Julia dropped her eyes to the rings on her left finger, as did William. "William, would you have been willing to move to Buffalo?" she asked.

"Yes, yes I would have. I had hoped that you would have been so happy to marry me that you'd have been willing to move back to Toronto, but Detective Callahan had said he would put in a good word for me with the Buffalo Police Department if need be," William explained.

"Oh, I see," she said. "You know William, I didn't think you would have…" she said. She sat up straight and excitedly said, "Let me get my journal, I'll share what was going on in my head." Julia darted away and quickly returned with her journal. William had seen it in her dresser drawer and on a few other occasions when she worked in the morgue a long time ago. It was so much more … feminine than his journal, covered in bright and delicate flowers as opposed to the solid brown cover of his journal. He had controlled the urge to read it. Now, he found himself very glad that he had done so.

She sat back down next to him and flipped through the pages, trying to find the one she wanted. "Here," she said. She rotated her position to better face him on the couch.

She read:

"What's to stop us?" … Such a good question William. Does your asking it mean you love me … even now, after you know the sacrifice you would have to make to choose me?

(William, sitting next to her, shook his head 'yes.' Julia sighed and read on.)

He wanted to be with me again … to start again. Why else would he ask this? Why else would he have taken my hand, looked at me that way?

He looked like he'd been punched in the stomach when I told him of my … engagement … to Darcy. I feel so ashamed of that word and how it must have looked in his eyes – engaged to another so soon after I left him, so soon after telling him I loved him but knew there was no place for me in his life.

(Julia shook her head 'no' as she read.)

He was hurt, yes, I'm sure he must have been. It must have stunned him that I moved on so quickly. It was fast – too fast really… A reaction to my loss, I guess? Once again a way for me to take control, to cope with my loss of his love as best I could.

Oh my god, I think he still loves me. How can it be … after I left him … after I broke his heart?

… But … Wouldn't a man like William tell me, tell me if he loved me so much as to give up so much to be with me, give up any chance at being a father… And no better father than William Murdoch would there ever be. Wouldn't he tell me he loved me … stop me from marrying another? And would he give up even more … leave Toronto, the job he loves so much? I don't think so … But if not, then what did he mean, "What's to stop us?" … Stop us from what? Really, what did he want?

Maybe to visit on weekends? Perhaps he wanted to start up a casual relationship?

(Julia shook her head 'no.')

… No, not a man like William Murdoch. There's just nothing casual about him. No, I think he wanted to renew our relationship, with all of the intensity it used to have… with all of the intensity it will always have… if it exists at all.

So … I guess what's stopping us is me. I can't believe he really would be alright with spending the rest of his life with me – without fathering children. He may not think so now, but he would resent me. He would regret it. It is too much of a cost. I can't take the chance that he'd end up hating me, unhappy, stuck. No, no matter how much I love him, no matter how much I know I will never love another man but him. No. No I can't let him renew our relationship. I have to let him walk away – Rip the bandage off, get the pain over with. He'll find another eventually. He will be happier without me … and I without him, without the guilt of having cost him the family he wants – he should have. It's for the better.

(Julia sighed, paused. Tears grew)

I will let him walk away – go back to Toronto – without me. Never to be with me again. I will make my life without him. It will be good enough. And he will make his life without me. It will be a better life than the one he could have with me. I will live free of being the one responsible for having imprisoned him. He will live free to be completely happy.

(William was teared-up as well. He shook his head 'no.')

I'll never love another as I have loved him – as I still love him now. Perhaps I always will love him so – but it's a love that can't be. Oh, how I hope it is not the same for him. Please, please let him be alright … let him be happy. I love him so …

(Julia closed her journal. She put it down on top of his journal on the table.)

Julia swallowed, pushing herself through the lump in her throat, the ripping pain in her heart, to speak. She said, "William, I'm so sorry… And I'm so thankful that we are together now. I never believed two people could ever be so in love… But, I do still worry about your regretting your choice. I worry about it."

He scooped her up in his arms. Firmly held her face to his and promised her that he was grateful for every day, every moment, he had with her. He was certain he could never have been happier than he was with her. He was grateful to have met her – he knew from the first moment he saw her that she was the one for him. He was right. No regrets, ever. He kissed her. She kissed back.

Eventually Julia pulled away from the kissing and asked, "Do you want to share our thoughts about when we first met!?"

"Oh, Julia, I definitely do," he answered, "But let's take one trip down memory lane at a time, O.K.?" His loving wife agreed. They decided to put their journals away and go to bed.

In bed, they remained pressed together intimately in the darkness, awake, each not wanting to abandon the other to sleep. William asked Julia if she remembered the circus case – the one where the tiger ate the victim. She did.

He told her about Lady Minerva's fortune telling cards and her predictions for his future. He said, his voice sounding mysterious and ominous in the dark, "She was just a good reader of people. I could probably do it." Julia agreed, he probably could. He continued, "She laid out 6 cards – with the 1st she said I had great knowledge which brought me pride. With the 2nd card, that I relied on logic to feel safe except when it contradicted with my religion." Julia chuckled a little. She couldn't see it, but he gave her a somewhat annoyed look. He went on, "I don't remember the 3rd card, but I wrote it down in my journal. I was distracted by my telling her it was just a parlor trick and I wasn't interested in her fortune, and that I wanted her to answer some questions about the tiger case. Then she turned the 4th card – The Lovers, and said, 'You love a woman'. I tried to hide it but failed – of course, I was madly in love with you, but I didn't think anybody knew. Lady Minerva could tell she had hit a nerve. Then the 5th card- The Empress, she said, 'She's your match in every way'. I must admit, the hair stood up on my back and my ears began to ring a little. I had thought those exact same words about you. But, I protested more – and finally the 6th card - The Chariot, with which she said, 'But alas, it seems she's not in your future'… If I were a believer I'd say it predicted your going to Buffalo."

Julia, resting her head on his chest, said, "Her prediction was wrong though – I was in your future – maybe it only predicts near future?"

"Well, actually, there was more. Later she read my fortune again. There was only one card this time. It predicted that I would have the woman I loved in my future but only with great sacrifice," he explained.

"What sacrifice?" Julia asked.

"Lady Minerva didn't say, but, she said not to worry – I would make it… If it were true perhaps the sacrifice was not having children," he offered.

Julia shook her head against his chest, "Yes, that is a big sacrifice, and you have made it, haven't you?"

He rolled her over to cover her with his larger body, took her head in his hands, put his face close to hers and said, "Yes, gladly." He fluttered soft, gentle kisses all over her face and neck, pausing just above her ear to say, "I love you Julia, more than words can say." With that, they each accepted sleep.

Later that night, the sky rumbled as a thunderstorm rolled through. Somewhere far off, the lightning struck – flickering their bedroom. Wondering if the thunder had woken him too, Julia rolled over to face William in their bed and softly asked him if he heard the storm.

"Mmm …," he moaned contentedly, "I love lying in a warm, safe bed, hearing a storm rage on outside. It's even better when I'm in that bed with you." William rolled over to cover her with his body. She could smell him, feel the skin of his bare chest slide against her arms, feel the weight of him hold her down firmly, taking her breath away. His warm breath drifted across her neck, rattled her ear.

The storm outside grew closer, the booms of the thunder and the flashes of the lightening nearly reaching complete alignment as the couple surrounded each other with caresses and kisses.

She felt his aroused state against her thigh. "William, again?" she asked.

He chuckled in her ear.

Julia pushed against him to roll him onto his back. She reached down, slid her hand into his pajamas and stroked him, feeling her own insides melt as she heard him moan, felt him tighten and grow more and more excited. When he could tolerate his urges no more he pulled her up on top of him. She sat up, straddling him, their eye contact glimmering with each flicker from the lightening outside. He lifted her nightgown over her head and let go a gasp as the sight of her gorgeous curves were revealed just as the loud boom of thunder nearly blinded the room. She reached back behind her to release the drawstring on his pajamas and slid them down, removing the barrier between them. She lifted herself above him, torturing each of them as she hovered there for a moment, making them wait just a little longer for the exquisite touch they both longed for. Then she took him in as she slowly lowered herself back down to cover him. Signaling she was ready to relinquish control, she lay down on his chest and kissed him. He rolled her over, tucked her underneath him completely, and brought them both to ecstasy.

As the storm moved away, they clung together in the afterglow. "You know, your penis is like a lust detector," Julia remarked. She continued to her next thought, "It's like the lie detector you made with the blue liquid. What a lovely memory – Did you write about that one William?

"Why yes, milady, I did," he replied.

"Me too!" she said.

William exclaimed, "Well then, perhaps that will be our next journal journey."

"I would like that," Julia said as she burrowed down a little deeper into her husband's chest.

They soon returned to sleep, each looking forward to sharing their upcoming adventures from the past, their journal journeys.