I want you, to turn up on me
Every night when I see you
Better recognize when I see you

A swipe of the doe foot applicator on her lips topped off the rest of her makeup. Puckering her lips together, Hashimoto Kimiko smiled at the mirror as she made a sultry face.

After dusting some lint off her body con dress she stepped out of her door and into the neon-lit night.

Little did she know that just three meters off into an alley near her complex was a grease-stained man, waiting with a knife and ill intentions of greed and lust.

Still, Hashimoto Kimiko strutted off with a gentle sway of her womanly curves and the click clack of her blood-red heels.

That evening, in the haze of Tokyo's fervent nightlife, Hashimoto Kimiko was raped and murdered in an alley near her home.

A body was never found.

I woke up screaming.

Screaming and screeching and pulling at a phantom of filth and fear.

A door from some far off place slammed open and two people had rushed to my side. One immediately grabbed at my shoulders and answered my own yells with their own.

"Hiroki! Hiroki, wake up!" The voice, manly and deep in baritone, ordered me.

Seeing as I made no signs of stopping a third hand, from the other person in the room, reached out and slapped me across my face. It was harsh but quick, made by delicate fingers.

"Tsuki, you didn't need to do that." The man, the one whose large hands were still on my shoulders, sighed out.

The stinging in my cheek pulled me from my delusions and forced me to blink away the tears that were an automatic response to the woman's hit.

"It's the fifth time he's woken up screaming." The woman, Yuki, hissed back. Her voice was cool and sharp, measured but obviously straining. "What is wrong with our boy, Hibiki?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat as I shook the hands off me. My eyes were still puffy, and most likely blazing red, but I still wanted to see who had slapped me.

Me! A full grown woman! As if I was some sniveling brat!

"Why'd you hit me." I spat out. My voice was still a little hoarse from the screaming match earlier.

The two, a man and woman, turned to me. The man was large and muscled, probably from lifting and going to the gym.

Just my type, I thought shamelessly.

He had light brown hair, a pair of similar colored eyes. All in all, pretty unremarkable if not for his physique.

The woman, however, was exotically colored. Pale almost translucent skin, lengthy lilac hair that draped across her back like a curtain, and her eyes were a soulless black. Like a void, if I was making comparisons.

I didn't have long to wonder about the strangers' color pallette because I was soon coughing and sputtering out different syllables and vowels.

"Ah, ah, ah." I grasped at my chest, which was definitely not filled out with that C-cup implants I got last month. "Buh, buh, buh."

My voice sounded like a prepubescent little boy, I concluded.

I was growing more and more alarmed as several more inconsistencies with my body fell into place.

I felt small. Everywhere. My hands were tiny and pale, no fake tan in sight. No boobs, no hips, and my legs were probably only 40 centimeters long.

My hair (my hair!) was only at my nape and riddled with split ends. I could feel the split ends tickling my ears and neck!

Everything was small and worst of all I felt something between my legs. My blood ran cold at just what that something might be and I reached for my shorts.

Tsuki caught one of my wrists just as I was about to pull the fabric down.

"Just what do you think you're doing, young man?" She narrowed her eyes at me disapprovingly.

Next to her, Hibiki shook his head and said, with a small smile, "Boys will be boys, Tsuki. He probably had a nightmare about losing his pe-"

A glare shot at him from the lilac haired woman.

"His willy. Right, Hiroki-kun?" He laughed awkwardly.

I opened my mouth and closed it, over and over until I looked like a fish. I just didn't know what to say first.

So I decided to say them all.

"Who the fuck are you people?"

"Why do I have a dick?"

"Where am I?!"

Smack!

My head was turned to the side as the woman's spindly, sharp fingers slapped me across the face again. This time, it was the other cheek. Didn't know whether I should be grateful she decided to spare my still throbbing left cheek by hitting the other one, though.

"Language, young man! I swear, he gets his foul mouth from your father!" The offending owner of the hand chastised her, apparent, husband. Maybe boyfriend?

Rubbing both my sore cheeks, I shot them both accusing stares. They haven't answered a single question.

"That's enough excitement for the morning, don't cha think?" Hibiki laughed awkwardly, trying to dispel some of the tension in the air.

"Now, Hiroki-kun, get dressed and come down for breakfast when you're done. Me and your mother have work so we can't stay for long."

With one final look from mother, a pointed one that told me to behave, the two left and closed the door.

They didn't even make a noise as they closed the door, I thought. I can't even hear their footsteps.

So, those two were dear old Mom and Dad. I was their son, of all things, and I can't deny it since as soon as they left I lifted up the band of my shorts to stare at the little thing between my legs.

A boy. Right.

Which only added to my disgust at checking out Hibi- my father. Yuck.

This was a little family made of Tsuki, Hibiki, and Hiroki-kun. I was Hiroki-kun, as being affectionately called by my father (or "young man" as called by my mother, affectionately or not).

What the ever loving fuck?

This can't be some fever dream, my skin felt too real and that slap from the child-hitter hurt like a real one would have.

Is this the afterlife? I had died, I knew that. That filthy, pus-filled bastard had done that thing to me and then stabbed me.

Repeatedly, again and again, in the chest with a small knife he probably used to pick his toenails with.

So much for an afterlife, though, if you counted being put into some little boy's body and placed with a slap-happy mom.

Or maybe this was Hell? A punishment for all the sins I've committed?

Sure, I ran red lights regularly when I drove, opened up makeup in the drugstore to try them, and I didn't even tip most of the time.

But this? Was this the punishment for doing all that (which I honestly know is not the nicest thing to do but I wouldn't consider it "bad").

I clicked my tongue and shook my head, adjusting the shorts as I went over my options.

If it's a dream, a really deep and twisted one it seems, maybe if I died or killed myself I would wake up?

Then again, those two slaps really fucking hurt and I don't know if dying will be any less painful. Past experience has told me death is not a very pleasant thing to endure.

If this was a punishment, then…

Holy shit did I get off lucky.

I grinned wolfishly, a grin that probably looked misplaced on a child's face.

Knowing myself, I'll admit that I was a two-faced, emotionally manipulative bitch in my lifetime- the first one, that is. A compulsive liar, to boot.

So getting a second crack at life wasn't too bad, for it certainly could have gotten worse. I'm now biologically male, for all that I can see physically at least, and I may only be like five but gender was always one's own choosing and I can get older.

Wasn't I dreading getting older than twenty five anyways? I can be an eighteen year old bombshell again, I thought giddily.

With a new outlook on life- this life- I threw my blanket off of me and went to get dressed.

I was wearing a simple, black shirt and loose-fitting jogging pants. They were both a little big for me, obviously intended for me to use as I got older.

As I skipped down the stairs and made my way into the kitchen, which I assumed only because I followed the smell of food down there, I faced my two "parents" again.

"Sit down, young man, your father already made breakfast. We need to discuss something with you." Tsuki waved me over.

I sat in the middle of the two who were at the ends of the square table, both having eaten some of their food already.

My lips pursed a little as I examined the two with trepidation. We were having our first "talk" and I didn't know nearly enough to lie to them if they asked me any deep, personal questions.

"If anything's troubling you, you know you can always talk with Tou-san and Kaa-san." Hibiki started, after getting a look from his wife.

Said wife continued, "You have been getting night terrors almost consecutively every night for the past week. Please," She said, with a tone more sincere than I've heard her in yet.

"Just tell us what is wrong, Hiroki-kun."

My eyes- which were, thankfully, a normal dark brown- glanced at the two adults. They looked exactly as they had earlier but now they adorned a shiny, metal headband across both their foreheads.

Konoha ninja, my mind clicked.

Unless they were hardcore cosplayers, there was no way they could be wearing that with a straight face as they asked their supposedly disturbed son why he wakes up screaming in the morning.

Maybe this was more of a punishment than a second chance than I had previously thought.

"I was scared because I had nightmares of you two being ninja and…" I trailed off ominously, lying through my teeth. I wanted to see what they'd say after calling them ninja.

"Don't worry, son, me and your mother are still on leave and are only doing desk duty at the Mission Room." Hibiki tried to console.

"Even when we go back to the field, I promise that me and your father will always come back to you." Tsuki gave her own consolation.

Both had taken the bait. They were both active-duty ninja of Konoha, then.

Does that mean I'm in the world of Naruto? I'll admit I was a flaming nerd when I was younger, obsessed with anime and manga. I'd cosplay characters since I thought I'd look good and was further fueled by the air-headed compliments given to me online.

Thinking back, it probably made me the person who I was today: a self-centered, vain hoe.

At least I was somewhat proud of what I'd become, far from the sheltered recluse I once was.

"Promise?" I looked up at Mom through my lashes- which were surprisingly long and lilac colored like my hair, something I obviously took after Tsuki. If they were ninja, then I got my work cut out for me since if I was any less of the liar I am, they would've caught on to my act.

I could only wonder at the things ninja did to their children if they were acting "different from normal".

Probably a trip to T&I would've been justified.

"Promise." The two answered in unison, a small smile graced Tsuki's delicate features while a large grin fell on Hibiki's.

For all of their clashing looks and personalities, they look like a good couple, I confessed.

I decided then to give my own smile, as sincere as I could (which wasn't very much). The two accepted it anyway, hearts warming at seeing their son smiling again.

"Now eat your breakfast before you run off to the academy." Dad said jovially.

"If Iruka-sensei tells me that you were late again, you will be grounded, you hear?" Mom added, slight fondness crept into her stern tone.

A child's smile did wonders for adults, it seems.

I walked down the large, dirt-paved road that our house was situated across.

I really was in Konoha, in all its Hokage-mountained glory, I thought as I looked up at the face of Hashirama and friends.

Looking down, I was wearing those ninja sandals like my parents did, obviously smaller to fit my feet. It was weird having something to securely strapped to your feet and ankles like that.

How old was I even? Probably six, since kids joined the academy here around that age. I wouldn't know until my next birthday then, or until I get to see a record of mine at a hospital.

I let out a sigh as I looked at the various other houses, random shops and food stalls that dotted the main road.

I wish I was reborn somewhere in Kiri, the thought went through my head as I saw old women gossiping and younger children playing, None of this nice-guy bullshit, only blood and war.

I'd like to think that these violent thoughts could have been attributed to the increased testosterone in me because of my biological sex change, but I'll admit to being a little bloodthirsty even in my first life.

I worked as a prostitute and stripper off and on when I was short on cash and there were many incidents where a bitch tried it or a customer crossed some lines and needed to be reminded that I wasn't going to let them get away with it.

Hell, I'm pretty sure I clawed out that bastard's eyeballs as he jumped me.

I hope that they dangled right out of his empty, little head, I cursed.

A group of small children ran past me, laughing and barefoot.

I had given myself a good look in the mirror again before heading out. I had the same shade of hair as my mother, a light purple like the first swellings of a bruise. It wasn't stiff straight like hers, instead a bit on the wavy side, taking after my father's short, curly locks.

I'm still grateful that I didn't inherit those dark pits of eyes from Tsuki, but getting something in between the two parents: a dark brown that bordered closer to black than brown, really.

My skin was also the exact same as Mom's, pale and translucent to the point you could see my green-toned veins in my hands. I was like an off shade of paper white, almost like that one kid who was a replacement Sasuke for Team 7. What was his name, Sa-... sa-... Sai?

Yeah, whatever.

It's been a few years since I even looked at anything even Naruto related, getting my hustle in and all that, so my memory was foggy at best right now. Until I knew where I was in the timeline in terms of the plot, I was free balling it.

Unsurprisingly, being at the mercy of Kishimoto's universe put me at unease. I didn't like being out of control.

I reached the Academy in time- by way of faintly remembering the layout of Konoha- judging by all the kids still walking into the place.

I sat in the back and hoped that no one would bother me. Me being a child I could handle since I still had the competency of an adult.

Real children who had the social and emotional maturity of their age however, was something that would get on my nerves. Fast.

Luckily it seemed Hiroki, or the boy this body once belonged to, wasn't a very social kid.

Everyone had taken their seats but there were still two empty ones on either side of me. No one's even met my gaze despite me looking at everyone who came through the door.

Weird.

Either Hiroki-...Either I wasn't liked much or didn't have friends or had some secret that made me a pariah like Naruto. I only hoped it was, at worse, just the first two.

Looking around, it guess I'm at that point in time where Naruto and his gang are still a bunch of brats living through their depressing childhoods. Same age as them, then.

The closest one to me was Hinata who stared at Naruto. Said blonde was arguing with Kiba while Shikamaru and Chouji sat near them.

Sasuke was brooding on one of the end tables and most of the girls were surrounding him, including Sakura and Ino.

I mentally huffed at the idiocy those two were committing as they grinded their heads together, challenging the other for Sasuke's affections.

They deserved better than that Uchiha. Even if he "redeems" himself later- much later, mind you- he still seemed like an ass to me.

Then a mischievous thought came to me: they need someone who'll treat them right, someone chivalrous and sensitive and who better than...me!

I bit down a smirk, knowing that it'd look creepy as hell coming from the kid sitting alone, as Iruka came in and took attendance. I caught him giving me a pointed look as he called my name, "Kuroda Hiroki."

Great I have the same name as the baseball player from Osaka, I grumbled in my head.

Unless there were two Hirokis in the class, I answered with a, "Here!"

Alright, it was a dick move of me to try to emotionally manipulate the girls into liking me but I wasn't going to make them do anything. Just take their minds off of Sasuke is all...

By the time lunch time came, I had a plan ready to go.

We were ushered out into some yard and everyone gathered into their own little circles and cliques.

I plastered on my most charming smile, pushed my shoulders back, and stood straight as I approached the two girls who were conveniently arguing on their own apart from the group.

At this age, girls like pretty and cute things. From my observations and prodding this morning, I deemed myself pretty and cute. For a "boy" at least. Long lashes, pale skin, and a symmetrical face that would certainly grow into something breathtaking, I concluded, if my parents were anything to go by.

"Hi." I greeted the two who were currently holding the other by the collar.

Blonde and pink heads snapped to my direction. After glancing at me for a few seconds, and seemingly meeting a mark, the two girls' attitudes did a 180 and both were giving their biggest and brightest smiles.

I returned with my own charming smile which was met with deep crimson blushes.

Caught you, my mind sang.

"I'm Kuroda Hiroki. I don't think we've actually met." Kuroda was now my surname, something I had to get used to. At least it wasn't something cliche like Hatake, pfft.

It was Ino who spoke up first, "No! Not really! I mean, I should have known if a cute boy was in our class," She trailed off in a quiet voice before continuing.

"But I'm glad to meet you! I'm Yamanaka Ino." She reached out a hand for me to shake before Sakura jumped in front of her and effectively cock-blocked her in the process. I held back a snort of amusement.

"And I'm Haruno Sakura! I've seen you around, Hiroki-kun," She sneered behind her.

"I was just a little shy, you see." The pinkette looked up at me as she tilted her head down and put her hands together in front of her which was, I think, supposed to be a cute and dainty pose.

Ino was having none of it.

"Yeah right, billboard brow! Your eyes were stuck on Sasuke-kun like gorilla glue!" She screeched.

Sakura's face immediately morphed and faced off with the blonde, "Shut up, Ino-pig! Your eyes were glued to Sasuke-kun, too, idiot!"

The two were back to grinding heads and as much as I'd like to laugh at their scene, I had a plan to execute.

"Now, now. I know you two really like Uchiha-san, but I was just wondering if you'd like to eat lunch with me this afternoon?" I grabbed both girls' hands with my own.

"I brought more than enough to share, even."

The girls looked at where we were joined at the hands as they flushed tomato red with each passing second.

Just to push them a little bit more, I added, "Please?" And gave their hands a little squeeze.

By the time lunch was over, I had the two girls wrapped around my little finger and promising to meet up with me after class. They weren't all too bad when they were just trying to kiss up to me. I really liked compliments and praises after all, no matter how fake or shallow they may be.

Just as we went back inside the Academy, I could have sworn I saw Sasuke give me the smallest of nods.

This time, I allowed a smirk to climb onto my face as I felt my credibility rise up. Better to make friends with the backstabbing idiot now while he's still harmless.

Sakura ran home with a happiness she didn't possess since the day Ino had befriended her. Her pink locks bounced with each hop and skip, her red dress flowing with the breeze.

By the time she got home her cheeks, still full with baby fat, were flushed rosy red because of The Boy and also in part of the physical exertion she normally didn't do.

The Boy was the second person to have noticed her and give her attention, and for that she finds herself utterly obsessed.

"Sakura-chan, is that you?" Her mother called from the kitchen.

The pinkette removed her shoes before running off to greet her mother and wrapping her in a hug.

"Kaa-chan! You won't believe it but this boy was talking to me during lunch and he was so nice and cute and I think I'm in love!" Sakura gushed, head still buried in her mother's side.

Haruno Mebuki smiled at her daughter's confession. She was a civilian woman but still took Sakura's desire of being a kunoichi in stride.

However, after hearing about her daughter's infatuation with the Uchiha boy, she's always felt anxious for Sakura. The Hokage couldn't keep the entire annihilation of a founding clan secret from civilians, anyways.

Mebuki knew it wasn't right to hold even slight disdain for the remaining Uchiha (and some creeping fear because children always follow in the footsteps of their family, right?) but she'd hoped that Sakura would get over him and focus her sights on other boys.

"What's this boy's name, Sakura-chan?"

"Kuroda Hiroki!" The pinkette answered readily.

Other boys that hold special clan names except for Uchiha and hold some political power. Like the Hyuuga, or the Kuroda.

Haruno Mebuki couldn't help the all-out smile that covered her face. She always knew her daughter had good taste, one that would benefit herself and her clan.

"Very good, Sakura-chan." The older woman petted the top of her daughter's head gently, praising her for gaining the attention of the only son of the Kuroda clan.

"Very good."

My ankles sprained and in all my hateful glory of losing mobility of a limb, once more, I decided to write a Crack-fic about a shitty character and their shitty luck.
I was about to tag this as a Self-Insert story, but I hesitate since Kimiko is just such a terrible character (though I guess I am too since Kimiko's largely based off of myself?).
If you think my OC is horrible and this story is horrible, then that's because it is! It's not a "nice" romance like ATDTD is, but something for me to vent and wreak havoc in the world of Naruto with a character who is morally grey and will eventually be suffering gender issues.
Anyways, besides wanting to flame me for writing about a slightly transphobic topic like gender-swapping, I'd like to hear your feedback on this story since I'd like to continue writing it along with ATDTD (which I am NOT abandoning!).
Please review!
Thanks for reading!