Author: Ashley

Author Note: It has been months since I've written; it seems as if my muse has shriveled up and died since the season three finale, hah. Anyways, this just kind of flowed onto the page, it's disjointed, and probably doesn't make much sense…but you can be the judge.

Summary: Post AHBL Part 1. Dean Angst. He begged and he drank, because sitting with a hallucination of his brother was better than no brother at all. AU

Here, But Not Really

Sam was dead, of that Dean knew. He'd held his brother in his arms, watched the blood seep from his mouth, and heard him struggle to breathe before stopping altogether. So yeah, if there was one thing that Dean was sure of, it was that his baby brother was gone.

Which made absolutely no sense, because Sam was sitting beside his own dead body, looking at Dean with sorrow in his eyes.

The world had gone fucking mad. Or maybe it was just Dean.

He wanted to move from his chair, touch the thing that looked like his brother (it wasn't Sam, it couldn't be Sam), but he couldn't move. Dean swallowed convulsively, knowing that there was only one explanation.

He was dreaming. Had to be. 'Cause Sammy had been cold and stiff for almost two full days.

"You are." The thing that looked like Sam spoke up quietly.

Dean looked at him – no, it – with dull eyes. Sam was dead, Sam wasn't coming back. This wasn't his real brother.

"Dreaming I mean…or hallucinating. This isn't real…at least, I don't think it is. I don't think I'm here, not bodily anyways…" Sam's clone muttered.

Dean's hands trembled. God, it sounded so much like his brother.

"Don't really know what's happening to me. I died, right? Yeah, I remember that…" Sam rambled on, running a hand through his shaggy hair, a gesture the real Sam had done when he'd been puzzled over something.

Dean tried to force his eyes away from the hallucination, but it kept talking. Just like how Sam had always gone on and on…barely pausing for breath. Kid had never shut up, especially when he was younger.

The fake Sam wrinkled his nose, concentrating deeply, clearly trying to recall something.

Dean just sat there, twisting his fingers and trying to blink away the burning sensation behind his eyes. He wished his hallucination would just go away.

Green eyes snapped open, and stared into Dean.

Sam (the fake one – Dean had to keep reminding himself), was suddenly smiling softly. "I think…I think I'm supposed to tell you that its gunna be okay. I never got to say goodbye, that I love you…it all happened so fast, I couldn't before…" He said, voice breathless.

Dean drew in a shaking breath, trying to get his breathing under control. It was all the alcohol that he'd consumed the past couple of days, yeah, that explained it.

He had to lay off of the whiskey. Easier said than done…his brother was dead after all.

Dead, but talking to him. Freakin' Hell.

"You did your best Dean, I know you did. I love you." Sam said.

NotSamNotSamNotSamNotFUCKINSam!

Dean still had no words, so he shook his head jerkily instead. He wasn't really sure if he was denying that this Sam was real, or rejecting the idea that he had done everything he could to save his brother.

If he had done everything he could, Sam wouldn't have died.

"I guess this is goodbye, for now, at least." Sam -fakefakefake- said softly, green eyes soothing, "Bye bro."

And then, just like that, Dean's hallucination faded away into nothingness.

"Wait." Dean croaked, his vocal cords finally unclenching. He blinked rapidly, a harsh sob choking his throat when he realized that it was just him and his brother's dead body again. "Sam..."

He reached out blindly, finding the forty of whiskey and removing the lid with shaking fingers.

Dean took a large swig and looked around for the hallucination. He took another pull, and then another. "Come back, please." He whispered to the room.

He begged and he drank, because sitting with a hallucination of his brother was better than no brother at all.

He just wondered what he'd do when the liquor ran dry.

Finis

Never thought
This day would come so soon
We had no time to say goodbye
How can the world just carry on?
I feel so lost when you are not at my side
But there is nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?

-Within Temptation, Our Farewell

So that's that…totally random. Blah, I just needed to get something down before I went mad. Hope it wasn't too…odd (I think that's the word I'm searching for, ha-ha). Suggestions or comments are readily welcomed!

Oh, song and show aren't mine! Heh.