"you have a pet in your dorm and I have to help you hide it from the RA" college au
the warning is so high because this fic includes a LOT of cussing, but other than that it's pretty safe. in my original doc, i had a lot of italics sprinkled into my writing, but i got really lazy with the copy and pasting. im hoping that y'all will enjoy this experience regardless, and if you don't, this fic is also on ao3 where italics copy and pasting is much more friendly. so yeah have some funny maka and star shenanigans!
"Oh my god."
Black Star heard a book drop behind him and along with it, his heart. He didn't expect people to be out and awake at this hour, but since it was dead week, he really should have known better.
"B- Black Star," the student shakingly began. "What the everloving fuck are you doing?" It was a statement rather than a question.
He turned to see who'd caught him at 7:50am, his death sentence sealed when he realized it was Maka from down the hall. There was no way that she would let him free, especially since she was always yelling about something. And getting warnings about noise complaint in between.
"Morning, Maks," he saluted. "Top of the morning, eh?"
She stepped closer. "Black Star, I asked, what the fuck."
He was screwed. Lowering his voice to a stage whisper, he spoke quickly. "Quiet, alright? It's just a pet I nicked from the glade. I don't even think they noticed she's gone-"
"She?"
"Her name is Pigglesprinkle Tush. She was lonely, dude. Looked at me with those big ol' eyes. I had to do something."
"So you brought her to the dorms?"
"I felt a spiritual connection. I couldn't just leave her!" The elevator door was closing on him again, so he stuck a leg in the way of the doors to bounce it back open. He begged, "Come on, Pigglesprinkle Tush. Please move out."
"I'm still dreaming," Maka said to no one in particular. "I'm still at the library and I fell asleep, and now I'm lucid dreaming about the weird kid with blue hair and his bullshit again."
Black Star looked at her questioningly. "Again?"
Maka nodded sagely. "I thought too hard about how you stole an entire jug of milk from the dining hall. You ended up trying to sell it because you got 2% instead of whole."
"Fair enough. I made two bucks that day, one for each percent."
"This is so idiotic," she started up again. "This can't be real."
"Yeah, I couldn't either-"
"That's a fucking llama."
He rolled his eyes. "No fucking shit, smartass."
As if it understood, Pigglesprinkle Tush let out a delighted hum.
Black Star shushed her in a panic. "I said no! No mooing in the hallway!"
"You are an idiot," Maka's voice rose.
"Not you too, for the love of the almighty lord- please no mooing!"
"I'm not mooing!"
"Quit mooing!"
Pigglesprinkle Tush shook out her coat and hummed again. This time, it sounded like a 'moo,' for sure.
Maka was shaken long enough for Black Star throw his hands into the air. "Finally, one of you knows how to shut up."
She hit him with a glare.
"Alright, ok, give her a push, wouldja? Someone's going to find us at this point," he whispered.
"Now why would I help you?"
Black Star frowned. "Because, if they see us now, you'll be an accomplice. Your hands are dirty now, my dude, so get them dirtier and give Pigglesprinkle Tush a push."
He was alone in his efforts for a moment before he heard a soft "fuck." Maka bent to swipe her textbook off of the ground first, then adjusted her backpack straps. She sniffed a haughty sniff and resigned to her fate as designated tush pusher, tucking her book under her arm and still muttering curses at Black Star. He learned a few new words that morning that he would look up on Urban Dictionary Dot Com later. Like whatever the hell a "pumpernickel" was.
By the time they'd successfully reached his room, which was a whopping three doors down from the elevator, Black Star had gotten giddy. Nearly none of his heists had ever gotten this far.
"We're gonna get away with it. All thanks to this meddling kid."
Maka squeaked indignantly.
"I'll pay you back in toilet paper sheets- the Charmin shit."
"It'd better be the soft kind."
"Ultra soft, my dude."
Black Star unlocked his door, grinning at Maka's hum of approval- or was it Pigglesprinkle Tush?
After ushering both of them in, he swung open his curtains and cracked the window open enough to release a breeze into the room. With the orange sunrise and blowing wind, the llama looked majestic. He wiped a fake tear from his eye.
"Beautiful."
"I'll say. I can't believe your side of the room is messy for once since you're never in your room. I'm kind of impressed. But where's Ox?" Maka asked.
"Roomie is out living his life. He left around three in the morning after he jolted up and started crying about his final on Monday. Poor guy."
She nodded sympathetically. "Physics at 8am. My thoughts go out to him."
Pigglesprinkle Tush demanded their attention again, nudging Black Star's hand.
"What do we do now?"
"I mean, you're free to go, Maks. You could have dipped after we got here."
"Piggle has my fingerprints on its ass. I'm a dead man even if I leave."
Black Star gave her a thumbs up. "You understand now. Ride and die."
"Ok, but like, where did you even find Piggle?"
"Student council," he pointed at himself, "remember?" We were supposed to set a bunch of them up in the glade for other kids to come and pet. Like therapy animals."
"But… that's a llama."
"A therapy llama. It's kind of encouraging because if Pigglesprinkle Tush has a degree in psych then maybe I can too."
Maka slapped her forehead, dragging her hand down her face. "Are the rest of the senators as stupid as you?"
"Shoulda ran, Maks. We could've been running the school together."
"Hard fucking pass."
"A loss for the university, but it's alright, because they have me."
"Disgusting," Maka said, grimacing.
Black Star continued to pet Pigglesprinkle Tush, beckoning Maka over to touch. He paid no mind to her grumbling, digging his hands deeper into the fur. "Come on. When else can you pet a llama?"
"It is pretty soft. Moreso than I thought it would be."
"She's a damn cloud! A poofy smelly cloud of soft shit."
Eventually, they dissolved into a cuddly mess on Black Star's floor. Maka especially made herself at home as she lounged on Pigglesprinkle Tush's side. They stayed like that, bickering and talking as they would normally do on any other day.
He asked, "This beats dead week studying right?"
"Most definitely, but I'm going to regret it once I realize I'm behind my reviewing."
"Therapy llama is a success. Check that off my list."
"Did you bring a group of llamas onto campus just to sneak one into your room so I could pet it?"
"Absolutely not. You know I don't plan ahead that far, but you can believe I did."
Maka scoffed, "Bet you didn't plan on how to keep Piggle in your room either."
"Ah, you're right. I did not. The RA's room is next to mine, too."
"Then we're fucked."
"We are absolutely fucked," Black Star smiled.
Pigglesprinkle Tush hummed loudly.
"Do you think she'll be hungry?" he thought aloud.
"Probably. I don't really know. This is the first llama I had to babysit."
"Shit, someone needs to watch her while I grab something for her to eat."
Maka paused.
"What?"
"I… think Piggle is… a he. Staring at his butt was an experience."
"Well, someone needs to keep watch of Pigglesprinkle Tush while I run and find him something to eat," Black Star said, pushing away from the ground.
"What do llamas even eat?"
"I don't know, that's why you're here smarty. Google it and tell me while I check if Chipotle is open."
"Why are you getting a burrito at a time like this?" Maka said, looking up from her phone.
Black Star poked his head back into his room long enough to respond. "Because Pigglesprinkle Tush probably likes burritos. Use your head, Maks."
The both of them were caught by the RA, obviously.
Mostly because Maka couldn't kick her mooing habit.