This is my first story, let me know what you think!
The Pixies play on the radio as I stare over the packet of reading I was assigned to do for summer homework. Where is my mind, the same song that plays in Fight Club, it's so true. Where the fuck was my mind, I'll tell you out in the fucking water. I stand up from my desk and sway with the music, forgetting the reading, letting the chords and bass drum fill my body. I pull the clip from my hair tossing it onto the bed shaking my hair out. Sway left, sway right. My heart pounds out the beat of the drums. I sing along, every word speaking to me in some manner. The song comes to a close and I resume my position at my desk Nirvana filling the speakers. I continue to read the meaningless text on the page for two songs before deciding I needed a cigarette break.
I step out onto the balcony adjacent to my bed room the cold night air blowing on my face. I sigh, Forks Washington, shittist place on the planet. I light the cigarette and slide down the side of the house until I'm seated on the cold cement. Inhaling I feel the burn on the back of my throat followed by sweet peace. I fell my entire body relax, and I inhale once more. Leave it to me to wait until the very last moment to begin my summer reading. Tomorrow is the first day of my sophomore year and I've only barley begun the work. Fuck it, I had an eventful summer, I watched a shit load of movies, and I learned how to play guitar hero. I didn't feel the need to hang out with people and fill my summer with meaningless activity as my sister Tanya did, popular girl extraordinaire. She'd never admit it, but she was one of those girls that think they're so cool and original when really they're just obnoxious. I on the other hand have learned that I am nothing special; there are a thousand other people in the world just like me. As Tyler Durden would say, you are not a beautiful snowflake.
No, I'm not interesting like Donnie Darko, I don't get to try to solve interesting mazes with David Bowie, and I sure as hell don't get have a super power Dakota Skye. Nope I'm plain Jane Bella Swan. I took another drag on the cigarette and then extinguished it, walking back inside and sitting at my desk, staring blankly at the white piece of paper.
What did I need this for anyhow? I wanted to be an actress, not some stupid history teacher. I had always like history, but as I grew older I began to realize how meaningless all of this was. All of life was seemingly meaningless. People teach you to have dreams your whole life. You strive for them and get your hopes up and then one day in college you find out that it's stupid and you end up as an IT programmer killing yourself some Christmas because you can't stand the disappointment in yourself. I know if I ever woke up and realized I was doing something pointless like that, I'd off myself. Very few people actually end up doing what they want, and I applaud them, either they love boring things or they are amazing.
There's a knock at the door.
"Bella" my dad calls through the door. I jump a little bit reaching for the fabreez on the end of my desk and spraying myself and the area around me before popping a piece of gum in my mouth.
"Yeah" I call from where I stand.
"It's time for dinner" he says. I sigh; joy another silent dinner, well for me at least.
"Yeah I'll be down in a minute" I say and I toss off my army jacket, and pull on a sweat shirt. Hopefully that will cover up some of the smoke smell. I put some lotion on my hands to hide that, and then I open my door, mentally preparing myself for another dinner. Dinner shouldn't be a big deal, but it's either filled with silence or my sister trying to start a fight, or aggravate my mom. I try to stay quiet, and not make a sound. I am invisible. I enter the kitchen and sit in my usual spot as my mother passes out plates. Renée as I call her in my mind, and only my mind, takes her plate and sits at the table now that everyone has been served. Charlie my father sits at the head of the table, I'm on his left and my mother is on his right, when Tanya decides to grace us with her presents she sits next to Renee.
"So, Bella what did you do today?" Charlie asks. I shrug my shoulders not wanting to admit to smoking a pack of cigarettes and not completing my homework.
"What about you Tanya" he asks. Tanya goes into some bull shit story about being run over by a car, but nothing really happened. Then she turns to me.
"Bella, straighten your plate, you know I have OCD" in my mind I imagine myself saying
"Fuck you, straighten your own damn plate you whiney bitch!" but I restrain, and settle for a roll of my eyes as I straighten out my plate. She doesn't really have OCD, but after she found out people can prove if she has physical ailments, she switched to something less easy to detect. Every time she brings up the OCD, I want to ask her, "Really, what are the obsessive thoughts that cause you to do that?" She did research but never looked on enough to realize that there are thoughts that go along with that.
"Bella you're father asked you a question" Renee says pulling me from my thoughts. I look up at them all.
"Huh?" is all I muster and I push the food around on my plate a bit more.
"Did you finish your AP homework?" he asked.
"Yeah" I lie.
"I umm, I'm not that hungry may I be excused?" I ask, mostly looking at Renee.
"I suppose" she sighs. I try to spend as little time as I can with these people, hiding up in my room reading Jane Austen novels, listening to music, and smoking my cigarettes. Sometimes I feel like Cecelia from Atonement. Well the novel version at least. I clear my plate, placing it in the sink and run back upstairs, opening my door and running in closing it behind me. I lay face down on my bed and sigh deeply into the pillow. I sure do sigh a lot.
I lay there for about five more minutes before deciding I really should try to read that chapter.
…..
I finished the reading and note taking after about an hour and a half. I looked at the clock and it was ten o'clock. I decided to try to sleep, so I went to the bathroom to wash my face. I looked upon the reflection and saw boring frizzy brown hair, boring brown eyes, and dark circles under them. I touched the circle on one eye with my hand frowning. I don't think I'd gotten a proper night's sleep since February of my freshman year. Luckily in the summer I got to sleep late into the day, most days.
I finished washing my face and brushing my teeth. I needed a cigarette. So much for clean teeth. I locked my door and walked out onto the balcony lighting a cigarette. I inhaled and felt the familiar relief fall over me. I remember the first time I smoked. For most kids it's they're offered one by a friend, and they don't know, I knew. I wasn't even offered. I asked a friend to get some for me and then I smoked it. It was amazing, I never wanted to stop.
By ten fifteen I crawled into bed and turned off the light shutting my eyes, waiting for sleep to fall over me. I tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position.
I looked at the clock and saw it was four o'clock. Sleep had not found me.
"Fuck" I breathed out sitting up switching on my lamp. Three hours until I had to get up for school.
I stood up from my bed and grabbed my cigarettes and went outside and sat down in my chair lighting a cigarette, inhaling once again, a slave to its effects. I bring my knees up to my chest and rest my head on them. I feel tired, I'm always tired, eyes always feeling droopy and my mind in a fog, no matter how much I sleep. I put out my cigarette and climb back into bed closing my eyes, they are too tired to remain open, but my mind feels alive. I want it to quite its self, let me be. I roll over and try to find a comfortable position.
After two hours I drift to sleep.
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