My first FanFic, so please Read n Review to tell me if I should continue! :D
Pairings: TamaKao, (mostly implied) HikaKao
Sadly, I do not own Ouran. If I did, it would just be one big yaoi xD
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Can you love someone too much? I think I do.
No.
I know I do.
Hikaru's POV
Sighing, I glance over to where my twin brother should be. But the other side of the bed is still devoid of any life.
Again.
This is the third night in a row that my brother has stayed at his boyfriend's house. I feel my face flush with anger. I know I shouldn't be angry with this; I mean, he's just my brother, he can do what he wants. Nonetheless, my balled fists start to shake as I think of the two together; think of Tamaki putting his hands all over my brother, my Kaoru. My honest opinion of his boyfriend; I never would have thought of him to be gay. He's...well he's Tamaki. He's supposed to be the best of the best at the Host Club, and he really is good with the ladies. Plus, he just seemed to be so smitten with the Host Club's secret female member, Haruhi, and it I thought for sure they would get together. Guess not. As for Kaoru...well everyone knows that he's homosexual, and he doesn't bother to hide it. No one really minds; especially when I play along in our "Brotherly Love" act for the Host Club. And here's the secret (that I'll never tell to Kaoru) I really enjoy acting like the seme to my little brother, and the way it makes the girls scream and faint. It's kind of a little taboo pleasure of mine I guess...but nothing I would ever act upon, of course. I love my twin, but not that way, if you know what I mean. If you think about it, we've been together since birth. That makes our relationship with each other unique and special. It's comforting knowing that there is someone in this world that understands and knows me better than I myself can ever imagine. There are things about Kaoru that I know that he will never guess; like that way that he seems to curl his fingers almost desperately around mine, when he's uncomfortable with his surroundings; or how he cocks his head slightly to the right (always to the right. I can't explain that one) when he's reading; or...I can list a hundred little things that Kaoru does that make him so different than me.
And I love every one of those things.
That's what has made these nights so torturous, so unbearable. I don't have the reassurance of his hand, or his beautifully deep eyes to tell me what he's feeling, and I hate that he's in a completely different place than me. It really shouldn't bother me. I try to let him do his own thing, I really do. Yet there's still that tiny part of me that screams for his presence on his cold side of the bed. I bow my head and fail to stop a small smile. It's funny how he was the one who was trying to push me away, trying to get me to expand my feelings, and yet here I am. Alone. Left behind while he breaks out of our little world. Now I guess it's just my little world.
I sigh again, then I sense, rather than hear the door open and soft light from the hall make a thin line on the bedroom floor. As Kaoru slips inside, trying to make as little noise as possible, I even my breathing and close my eyes, pretending to be asleep. 'Thank God my back's turned,' I thought. Continuing to "sleep", I hear a shaky voice, almost identical to my own but hardly an octave higher, whisper, "H-Hikaru?" I don't respond. With a sigh Kaoru crosses the room and I watch through slitted lids as he strips down to his orange boxers and pulls on pajama pants of the same colour. I notice that with every movement, he winces in pain and bites his lip as if trying to hold back tears. This concerns me, but I keep up my facade.
When he is finally in his pants, Kaoru walks to the bed and lays down slowly, trying not to cause more pain. At this point it's difficult to continue with my false slumber, but I don't want Kaoru to know I waited up for him again.
He lays with his back to me, and I am almost really asleep when the bed starts to shudder slighty. Thinking it was nothing, I try to ignore it, but stiffen when I hear soft, impossibly quiet sobs. All thoughts of sleep evaporate and are immediately replaced by ones of concern for my twin. "Kaoru?" The sobbing cuts short, but he keeps his back to me. I continue softly, "Kaoru, are you okay?" Slowly, he turns towards me, and I gasp in shock. By the light of the window, I can see faint purple bruises feathering his lips and cheeks. I turn on the lamp; it looks as if they're darkening by the minute. I feel my eyes widen and I choke on my words.
"What...the hell did Tamaki do t-to you? Kaoru... what happened?" I again feel my face turn red with fury. Kaoru starts to sob more, and louder. I reach out to him and he yelps in pain; I lift the blankets to see more bruises and - are those bite marks? - covering his entire body. I shake with rage at Tamaki, and demand to know what happened.
Finally Kaoru's sobs turn to sniffles and hiccups and he tries to speak.
"Me and Tamaki..were were just" -sniff- "fooling around" -hic- "you know...having some f-fun..." -sniff, sniff, hic- "then he...he..." He breaks down yet again, covering his bruise-shadowed face with equally darkened hands. I carefully remove those hands and clasp them gently in mine before asking, "What did he do, Kaoru?" Clenching his eyes shut, Kaoru blushes a deep red. He then says, in a tiny voice, "He promised it wouldn't hurt. He told me not to cry, and to be quiet. I just let it happen...I can't believe I..." His blush deepens, if it was even possible. Confusion takes me for a moment, then realization dawns on me. "You mean he...he took your virginity, Kaoru? He r-raped you?" Eyes still glued shut, he nods slowly as the blush turns a deep crimson colour.
All I see is stars I'm so angry. I squeeze my eyes shut and my grip on Kaoru's hands tightens. He lets out a small whimper and begins to cry again. Then in the softest, quietest voice, almost like the brush of a feather on my face, I hear: "I'm sorry, Hikaru."
The feather hits me like a brick wall. My grip relaxes. "Why are you apologizing? You did nothing wrong, Kaoru." I say tenderly.
"Then why are you mad at me Hikaru?" I mentally smack my forehead. I've forgotten how sensitive my brother can be towards my emotions. "I'm not angry with you, little brother." He blinks lazily, indicating how tired he really is. "We'll talk tomorrow okay? You need rest." With that I pull him as gently as I can into my arms and hesitate before kissing his forehead. He sighs and we fall asleep holding each other.
When I awake the next morning, it's the middle of the afternoon. I'd been awoken by a nightmare where I was running down a long corridor towards an open door. I could see Kaoru tied to a bed in a mysterious room at the end of the hall, but no matter how fast I ran, I couldn't get to him. I awoke when Tamaki stepped in the doorway, smirking, and closed the door.
I look down to see Kaoru still in my arms, his head resting on my shoulder. I can't help but smile at the innocence of his face; but it's ruined by the still fresh, now even more shadowy bruises. I check my phone for the time and sighed when I saw it was 1:26 p.m. I rest my head on top of Kaoru's and run my fingers up and down his inky arm. He shivers at my touch, then sighs my name in his sleep. I freeze and listen for more, but Kaoru only snuggles closer and nuzzles his head onto my chest. My breathing catches; I'm not used to him behaving like this, asleep or not. He shifts again until his arm is draped over my stomach and he pulls me into a kind of hug. Still frozen, I debate waking him up. However, he just looks so comfortable and...cute. Adorable, really. Seriously, very, very cutely adorable.
Wait.
What am I thinking? Did I just think of my own brother, no, my own twin as cute? And not even in a brotherly way, but in a lover's perspective. No. NO. It was in a brotherly way. Even if it's only by a few minutes, he's my little brother. Also...no. That was disgusting. I was just attracted to my brother. My. Brother. Euw. What the hell. Oh my God. Oh. My. God. What is wrong with me?
I was so busy arguing with myself that I don't notice a set of golden, almost feline eyes, identical to my own, staring at me until Kaoru quietly coughs to get my attention.
"What?" I ask, startled out of my reverie. He shrugs nonchalantly and rubs his eyes before realizing how he's laying. He blushes and scoots away slowly. I have to laugh at his reaction, and he grins back at me sheepishly. "Sorry. I guess you were just really warm." Without thinking, I reply, "Yeah or maybe you just thought I was Tamaki." Awkwardness fills the room as we stare off in different directions. I look at my mirror image to see his face pointed down, eyes full of tears. I rub the back of my neck and clear my throat. His teary gaze focuses on me and it's now my turn to look down. After several more moments of tense silence, I glance up to see tears running down Kaoru's face, still looking at me. As our eyes lock, he breaks the prolonged stillness.
"Hikaru, what's wrong with me?" My arm drops from my neck and I look at him confusedly. "What do you mean, Kaoru? There's nothing wrong with you. Not a single thing...well except your snoring. That gets annoying." I smile, trying to lighten the somber mood. The sides of his mouth lift for a brief flash before the mask of pain returns. It's unbearable for me to see him like this, so I take his right hand in both of mine. He averts his eyes and whispers, "Don't touch me. I know I must disgust you." At this, I pull him into a hug, saying in his ear, "You're my brother and my best friend. No matter what you do, you will never disgust me, and I will always love you." I feel him tighten his grip on my shoulders, as if trying to hold me close to him forever. "I love you too, Hikaru. Thank you." I close my eyes and we sit like that until Kaoru starts shifting uncomfortably. I release him and tousle his dark orange hair, giggling a bit. "Let's do something today. Something fun." I suggest. Kaoru smiles in agreement, "Let's go for a walk in the old forest. We haven't in a long time." I nod excitedly, then head for the shower.
We walk out into the cool October air and wordlessly guide each other down the path that we both know so well. As we enter the semi-dark forest, I take Kaoru's hand without thinking. I see him look at me with a peculiar expression, not one that I recognize, surprisingly, but he says nothing as we trudge on through into the woods. There are splashes of colour all around us: deep crimson reds, bright jovial yellows, and dark burnt oranges similar to the hair colour Kaoru and I share. The sight is so beautiful that I stop to drink it all in. Kaoru tips his head back, breathing in the crisp autumn breeze, and a smile dances around the edges of his lips. Soon I am no longer enjoying the fall scene, but have found something else to keep my attention. The wind catches Kaoru's hair and tousles it, but he pays no mind, continuing to enjoy the relaxing air around him. His eyes drift closed and he lowers himself to the ground. I follow suit, and we both lay on our backs; simply reveling in the calmness. The events of the night before seem to fade away as we lay there. Before long Kaoru shifts so that his head rests on my chest, and I stroke his messy hair absently. He sighs; I knew the illusion couldn't last too long.
"Do you ever think about it being this way forever, Hikaru?"
"Hm? Autumn?" I reply, confused.
"No." He retorts with a chuckle. "I mean like you and me. Do you ever wish we could be like this forever? Not a care in the world, just you and me, no one else to bother us?" I continue to run my fingers through his orange locks. "We were like this, Kaoru. We never let anyone into our world before, but I thought you decided it shouldn't be like that anymore. You tried to push me out of our little world, remember?" At this he sighs again.
"I know I tried to push you away. I thought that it would be better for you. But when you weren't accepting it, I decided that maybe it was me who really needed to move on, you know? Why should I push you out when I could pull myself away?" He takes a deep breath and picks up a twig, breaking it into smaller pieces. "I realize that maybe the world is just too big for us. Maybe we're meant to stay in our small one." My hand stops at this. What was he suggesting? That we never broaden our horizons? Never do anything outside of ourselves? It's impossible; life doesn't work that way. I sit up and our matching golden orbs lock onto eachother. "Kaoru...you know that can't happen. You know that we can't go on like that forever. It just doesn't work that way. I..." I want to say that I wish it did, that I wanted to stay by his side for the rest of eternity, but I couldn't bring myself to. That could damage him, me making a promise like that. One that could never be kept. I look down at my hands and examine my own slender fingers, identical to those of my brother's. He pulls my chin up with his own hand, so that our faces are only inches apart. I can feel his warm breath on my cheek, and it feels wonderful against my cool skin. My eyes slip closed and I lean forward so my forehead is resting against my double's. I re-open them when I feel Kaoru's other hand reach up and caress my cheek. Without warning he leans forward and kisses me. On the lips. Our lips are touching. I pull away quickly and stand up in shock, staring down at my brother. He looks up at me with identical shock, unable to believe what he'd just done. I couldn't believe what he did! How could he do that? It was wrong! Sick and wrong! We're brothers, no, twins!
He jumps to his feet and shakes his head slowly before turning on his heel and running away. "Wait! Kaoru! KAORU!" I run after him desperately, not wanting him to get lost.
We're getting deeper into the forest, when I all but hit into Kaoru, who's stopped short. A clearing is set before us, and within the clearing is a scene that I really could have done without seeing, but is now burning into my brain: Tamaki sits, splay-legged, propped up on a rock; his shirt bunched up to his armpits. On top of him, riding with quick thrusts, is Haruhi. It's almost as if the air pressure has dropped. I can almost taste the electricity in the air.
Tamaki's eyes widden and he throws Haruhi off when he sees us standing there. Struggling to pull up his pants, he trips and stumbles over to Kaoru.
"Oh my god! Kaoru, no wait please! Let me explain!" Kaoru just stands, eyes welling yet again with tears. Tamaki places a hand on either side of his face. "Kaoru..."
Without thinking, I pull my arm back and punch Tamaki in the side of the face. He staggers backwards and I leap on him, throwing blind punches at his face repeatedly. "How...dare...you!" I yell between punches.
"Hikaru stop! Stop it! HIKARU!" I vaguely hear Haruhi scream at me, but I won't stop. How could he do this to Kaoru? I'm fueled even more when I see blood splattering in the dirt, pooling around my legs where I straddle the defenseless Tamaki.
It takes both Haruhi and Kaoru to pull me off; and Tamaki is barely recognizable. Blood stains his blue t-shirt and his nose is at a crooked, unnatural angle. Most of his face is covered in the thick, sticky red liquid. I struggle against my restrainers, roaring, "You sick son-of-a-bitch! He loves you, Tamaki! How could you do this to him? How could you? How..." my words turn into fierce sobs. I sit on the ground and put my face into my hands, still thoroughly coated in blood.
"Hikaru..." I feel Kaoru's hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off and stand up, looking from a horrified Haruhi to a shocked and teary Kaoru. He reaches towards me but I back away, tripping over my own feet and falling back to the ground. I continue to shuffle backwards as the pair come towards me.
"Hikaru why did you do that? You didn't have to hurt him so much," Kaoru says. Haruhi glares at me before running over to the unconcious traitor on the groud. Kaoru shakes his head before joining her.
What have I done?