Authors Note : Hi this is my first published Fan Fiction. I welcome CONTRUCTIVE feedback. So I may improve my writing

This are just one off ramblings born form boredom. I am using my Cannon Shepard Johanna. [ Vanguard. Earthborn, Sole survivor]

Now, I don't own the Mass Effect universe, the awesome Bioware does. So, now for the first chapter...

Mission Update 1: Of Missing Pants and Devious Plots

"Are you sure about this, Ashley?" Joker asked the Gunnery Chief. "'Cause if this fails... let's just say medical science has only come so far."

Ashley was sitting calmly in the co-pilot's chair. She had always liked Joker, he was dedicated to his job and good for a laugh. He'd make the perfect co–conspirator for this mission.

"It'll be fine. Minimal casualties, and who knows, you could be hailed a hero amongst the crew," she assured him. "Besides, we owe it to the Lt and the commander." She finished, a sly smile on her face.

Joker sighed, thinking it over. After a minute or two, he looked Ashley in the eyes .

"Fine, I'll do it, but you owe me for this - I'm talking firstborn named in honour of me." He replied. "Now tell me this plan of yours before I back out."

Kaidan had almost finished his shower. He felt both relaxed and relived as the hot water washed the last of the Thorian Creeper goo down the drain. Now he could forget about Saren, Geth, monstrous plants and certain thoughts about his commanding officer. He could just focus on the hot water... the sound of it, the feel of it...

The only thing that disturbed him was the sound of footsteps in the bathroom, but he wasn't surprised: it was a public shower room after all. Crew came and went as they pleased. The showers themselves were isolated so they could shower in some privacy.

Once he felt clean enough, Kaidan got out of the shower and reached for his towel. Quickly drying himself off, he reached for his clothes... only to find them gone.

What the?

Kaidan wrapped the towel around his waist and looked around for his clothes. It took only a few minutes to realise they weren't there. He carefully considered his options. One was that he could hide in the bathroom until the Normandy was decommissioned. The second and more practical option was to walk quickly to his quarters and get new clothes. After all, his quarters weren't too far from here, just up the hall and to the left... it was just a matter of working up the nerve.

Slowly, Kaidan peered out in to hallway. To the left, there was no one. To the right, at the far end of the hall, was Joker.

Joker smiled and waved a pair of military pants at the LT before hobbling as fast as he could out of sight.

"Damn it, JOKER!" Kaidan cried out before taking off in pursuit of the wayward Pilot

"Any word from your sisters?" Commander Johanna Shepard asked Chief Williams, as she took a small sip of coffee form her N7 Mug.

They were in the mess hall, sitting and having coffee. Shepard was surprised, to say the least. Although she thought of Williams as a sister, the way she snapped at Liara was highly unprofessional... and the commander had told her so in front of the squad. Williams never took to being put in line well... so when the Gunnery Chief asked if they could have coffee, it was a bit surprising.

"Well, none of late. Last I heard was that Mike and Sar decided to call it quits officially. Guess he didn't like having his ass handed to him." She informed her commander. Shepard chuckled quietly.

"No man likes that. That's why I joined the Alliance, at least the men here can take a hit." It was Williams' turn to laugh.

Just then, Joker hobbled into the room. Kaidan was in pursuit, wearing nothing but a towel. Joker was holding onto a pair of pants, waving them at the LT.

"You'll have to do better than that, Alenko!" He jeered.

"JOKER, IF I CATCH YOU I'LL –" Kaidan began.

Shepard stood up and faced the pair. "STAND DOWN NOW!" She ordered. Kaidan and Joker stopped and faced their commanding officer.

"Now what the hell is going on?" She asked.

"Ma'am, I was taking a shower when Joker stole my pants," Kaidan explained, blushing slightly.

Shepard could tell he was slightly embarrassed. She folded her arms and looked at Joker.

"Joker, give Mr Alenko his pants back, then Chief Williams will escort you back to the cockpit," she ordered.

Joker handed Kaidan his pants, then left with Williams.

Shepard looked at Kaidan. "Kaidan, go back and get changed," she said in a somewhat softer voice.

"Yes, ma'am." He replied. He started to turn around.

"Wait..." Shepard said. Kaidan turned and faced her, looking somewhat perplexed as Shepard looked him up and down.

"We'll, uh, talk later, Kaidan. Usual place?" She suddenly said, turning her back on him and hiding her slight smile.

Kaidan nervously replied, "I'd like that," then turned and headed back to his quarters.

When Joker and Ashley were out of earshot, Ashley rounded on him.

"You burst in too early. I was about to execute my part of the plan!" She said in a hoarse whisper.

"Well, excuse the cripple with the pissed off Biotic on his ass!"

"Well, the mission wasn't a critical failure. Shepard got an eyeful today, it'll drive her mad now." Ashley informed him.

Joker muttered something, but Ashley didn't hear. She was already working on a new plan. She was going to get the commander and Alenko together, even if it killed her...