I OWN NOTHING BUT THE PLOT, ALL DOCTOR WHO RELATEDNESS BELONG TO BBC! I DO NOT OWN JENNA LOUISE COLEMAN. AND I REGRET TO INFORM YOU BUT I SADLY DO NOT OWN MATT SMITH
ALLONS-Y!
Chapter 1: Hold Me In Your Arms Again
Clara's POV
"...and CUT!" shouted Steven Moffat, as we messed up in our scene once again. Or rather how I screwed the whole thing up...again. We were filming for the Name of The Doctor, and I don't know but with Matt standing there looking at me with those eyes, I just couldn't seem to remember anything about Clara, but only about those eyes, but they weren't sincere in my mind, they were dark and almost wild, greedily devouring every inch of my body, as he looked down on me before-
"Damn it Jenna, snap out it!" I whisper yelled to myself. I couldn't think of Matt like that. Not Now, not in the daytime, when I'm up and around him. And certainly not when we were filming. But then again, my brain always seemed to have ideas of its own and here I was getting yelled at by Steven Moffat for ruining his doctor who baby, not just "another episode", but probably one of the "most anticipated shows in the world" and I was screwing it up.
It was almost comical really, and I knew from the corner of my eye that Matt was trying not to laugh or grin at least a little bit. If this had been the first time we messed up, we'd even have made it a contest on who could keep the straightest face. Matt had been winning these past times, I couldn't be near him without a warm sensation filling the bottom of my stomach. but that didn't necessarily meant that I liked it. I was always trying to squash it down during the day, hating myself for reacting this way, so vulnerable and for him, crushing myself because i knew the feelings would always come back in the depths of the nights, I indirectly traced the bags under my eyes. I couldn't even sleep without him invading my dreams, making me scream my name as I tumbled over and over into oblivion under him, only to wake up in a panting sweaty mess realizing that I'd been dreaming.
Why did he have to haunt me? This mad, beautiful, hilarious, and clumsy boy. Sure, only in the second episode in which we had worked together the writers made us kiss each other and that might've been some incentive, both of us awkwardly agreeing during interviews that it was mutually our favorite scene. I remembered when Matt started talking about it, I could never imagine someone could find so many ways to say how good the snog was. I liked to let him do the talking in those types of interviews, knowing very well that the fans hung off his every word, that and it was amusing beyond anything I've seen.
"...Lets just take one last shot, before heading out. You hear that Jenna? ONE. LAST. CHANCE" Moffat concluded, muttering to himself as he went back behind the camera, giving the motion for action.
"Doctor? Doctor! Please! Please! I don't know where I am.?" I cried, my voice hysterics as I wandered aimlessly, collapsing as the heat around me supposedly got to me.
"Clara. You can hear me. I know you can." His voice was tense, and caring
"I can't see you." I said again.
"I'm everywhere. You're inside my time stream. Everything around you is me. " His voice was calmer now, soothing almost.
"I can see you. All your different faces are here."
"Those are my ghosts, my past. Every good day, every bad day." Matt said, his voice
"What's wrong? What's happening?" I say now, my voice higher and scared. They'd add the special effects later, so I knew I had to overdo it… at least a little bit.
"I'm inside my own time stream. It's collapsing in on itself" Matt yelled, and I knew this was my cue to start crying. The tears flew almost naturally.
"Well get out then!" I yelled back, like I've wanted to scream to him for the past week. Get out! Out of my brain, out of my heart, out of those dreams that leave me wanting for so much more.
Leave. I'm an unworthy girl, not pretty enough, never will be, just leave me Matt. It won't work out. The change in my voice was unfortunately obvious, and I saw Matt indirectly flinch back. Another tear slid down my face. I hoped Moffat liked this. I don't think I could do it again.
"Not until I've got you." Matt said, louder than me, recovering from my sharp verbal attack.
"I don't even know who I am." My voice was helpless, and my words held a grain of truth to them. I didn't know who I was around him. Clara or Jenna? All I know is I wish I wasn't really me. Somehow every time I acted like Clara, I had this new side to me. Sure I could be smart and sassy at times, but that side of me came out best with the Doctor by my side.
"You're my impossible girl. I'm sending you something. Not from my past, from yours. {the leaf floats down} This is you, Clara. Everything you are or will be. Take it. You blew into the world on this leaf. Hold tight. It will take you home." I grabbed the leaf that was now on the ground. I tried not to think about the words my impossible girl, my impossible, my, my, mymymymymy…
"Clara, Clara, come up. Come up to me now. You can do it, I know you can. "His voice was borderline desperate now, hands reaching out to me, but not making the distance. The ground was shaking under us and his time stream was about to collapse.
"How?" I questioned my voice sad and alone. Exactly the kind of emotion , which fueled the doctor's outburst. The one that made me love the Doctor, or was it Matt? so very much.
"Because it's impossible and you're my impossible girl. How many times have you saved me, Clara?" I stepped a bit closer. His voice was rushed and desperate and loving and kind.
" Just this once, just for the hell of it, let me save you. You have to trust me, Clara, I'm real." I stepped just within his distance.
His voice, it was everything I'd want someone to say to me. If he could save me, the doctor. If it was real.
But it wasn't, was it?
" Just one more step. Clara! My Clara! Oh!" He exclaimed, as I fell into his arms. I was sobbing now, my chest heaving up and down, the tears streaming down my face, as his strong and firm frame wrapped around mine, a slight kiss on my forehead telling me it was time to look up.
Matt then went off on some timelord jargon about Trenzalore and other timey wimey stuff about the show, things that I'd usually pay attention to, but these days I'd rather just watch his face, a smile almost naturally coming to my face. My tears were gone now, as I watched the "Doctor" in his element.
"...Come on Clara. We have to go my Impossible girl," he whispered, his sturdy but lean arms wrapping around my tiny frame, lifting me up as we walked towards the supposedly exit of Trenzalore or wherever this place was. I was pretty sure it mentioned in the script, I'd probably have to ask Matt about it later, he was a complete nerd on everything Whovian.
I surrounded myself in Matt's arms, him saying the same impossible words about his impossible girl, just as the lights went out and Steven Moffat shouted "...CUT!" This time a gleeful satisfaction evident in his voice, I let myself sag a bit in Matt's arms; my eyes fluttering close for just a few seconds. Today had been a long day of shooting, and to say I was exhausted was the least of my worries.
I felt a slight hand graze a stray hair away from my face, and my eyes flew open. I saw a smiling, slightly cheeky, Matt smith staring back at me, with his brightly green-brown eyes, the colors swirling together to create the unique shade that I would always remember as only his, only my Matthew smith-
"Not yours!" Hissed the voice in my head, and I held back a wince, my smile fading. I shifted to sit up and move away from Matt, but since he was still holding me, our faces ended up kissing distance apart, his warm breath making me gasp. Then he was leaning in, and it felt like a beautiful nightmare. He didn't deserve me, he deserved so much more, I thought but my mind was blanking out now as his face started to come closer, the cheekiest look on his eyes and I would have let him take me right then and there, and millimeters away now and my heart raced as his-
-Nose bumped against mine and he laughed at my blushing my confused expression.
"Matt?" I asked, moving away from him now, putting almost a foot between us now; My feet shaking as I stood up. This was getting worse and worse. Soon just his hello would make my knees into jelly.
"That's how cats greet each other! They bump noses." He said proudly, the cutest smile on his lips.
Lips.
Lips.
God his lips.
-I mentally slapped myself before going back to the conversation-
"Did I remind you of a cat Matt?" I asked teasingly, a smile on my face. Why was I flirting with him?
"Yes you kinda did?" He answered sheepishly, a charade I knew, though clumsy as hell he was one of the most confident people I knew. And that was just one of the many things I love-
You don't love him, Jenna. I reminded myself again for the 100th time.
"Well that's nice to know." I have him a weak smile, turning back to leave to my dressing room. But I warm hand around my wrist stopped me.
"Jenna, I was thinking, i know it's been a long day of shooting and well Arthur, Karen, and I were going to meet up at this new bar downtown and I'd really like it, I was wondering if. You'd want to come?" He asked an easy grin on his face, despite the tentativeness of his words.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
A thousand times yes my heart shouted.
"I'd love to Matt but, I can't. It's late and I'm too tired to party right now." I attempted to laugh it off. His face crumpled into a look of confusion and rejection, and I wanted to hurt myself, but if I was with Matt in the presence of Alcohol, I would not be able to keep my hands to myself. I'd want him and I'd need him like air. Besides, I hadn't been to a party in forever, and was hardly dressed for one.
When was the last time I listened to my heart?
"Please, can't you make an exception?" He asked again, he really wanted me to come...why? The thought disappeared as quickly as it came and I turned away from Matt.
"Maybe you can take someone else, I know Rhea from costume design would love to go." I mumbled.
"Yeah maybe" his crisp voice spoke.
"Goodnight Matt" I whispered, as my feet dragged me back to my dressing room. I thought he'd turn out and leave, in frustration. But he paused enough to deliver the worst of the blows.
"Goodnight Clara." His voice rang out, and I choked on a sob.
Clara
Clara
Clara
If only I were her,
If only I was his impossible girl.
-
Next chapter coming soon *fingers crossed* PLEASE REVIEW your opinions matter more than my heart 3
-Margo