It's been two weeks since Rachel and Finn broke up. Two weeks and Rachel no longer feels like throwing up when she sees him, but she's no longer blaming herself for the relationship not working. She had wanted him, yearned for him and when she finally had him she was so disappointed. He always needed reassurance about his social status or if his singing was up to par. She grew tired of explaining everything from Spanish homework to the crisis in Afghanistan to how to heat up oatmeal properly. What she thought would be a fun project had become a child to take care of and she was too young to be a mother.
Kissing him hadn't been fun either. She had wanted to, mostly because she just wanted to kiss someone. She was at the age for that sort of thing and really she craved intimacy and someone to know her intensely, but he had been the wrong candidate. Though these days, after the messy break up, Rachel had no energy to find the right candidate.
It seemed everyone was coupling up these days, especially in the Glee club. Mike and Tina, Brittany and Santana (though Santana would never admit it), Kurt and his mirror and then there was Quinn's flirtation with the new boy, Sam. Rachel had overheard Quinn call Sam "cute" and witnessed their gushy duet together. She should be happy for Quinn, but she isn't. The way Sam looks at her makes Rachel completely uncomfortable and jealous that no one is looking at her that way. Finn looks at her, but with sad puppy dog eyes, not wanton lust or deep affection.
Rachel had stayed late to rehearse for the school talent show later in the week. The glee club was performing, but Rachel saw the contest as a challenge and wanted to see if anyone could actually beat her solo performance. The school was pretty empty aside from the school janitor and Ms. Pilsbury. Her office light was on, probably getting ready for SAT prep class Rachel had signed up for last semester. Rachel walked to the office with the semi closed blinds, about to knock and say hello. Ms. Pilsbury had been a good influence and a real friend to her and the glee club and Rachel had seen her on occasion to seek relationship advice. Before she knocked she heard Quinn's voice and she should have left. The door was locked and obviously Quinn was probably in there for a session.
Rachel had noticed Quinn going to Ms. Pilsbury's office quite a lot during her pregnancy. If anyone needed therapy it was certainly Quinn and Emma Pilsbury was a good enough counselor if any. Rachel should have walked away. Whatever problems Quinn had were personal and she would hate if someone had listened in on her counseling sessions. But Rachel was so damn curious, especially when it came to Quinn Fabray. Quinn was icy at best. She and Rachel hardly ever spoke unless Quinn was insulting her. Rachel had a deep respect for Quinn, carrying a child to term, giving that child up for adoption, being resilient in a cruel atmosphere like McKinley High. Rachel knew though Quinn was oftentimes petty and cruel, she was also brave and Rachel often wondered how that kind of bravery could manifest in anyone. She wants to know what Quinn complains about, what she is missing out of life, what could be so wrong.
"I can't do this anymore." Miss Pilsbury said. Rachel can hear the resignation in Miss Pilsbury's voice. The hurt. The guilt. There's silence for a while and Rachel waits.
"Emma, let's not go through this again." Quinn said. Emma. Rachel would never presume to call any of her teachers by their first name. Rachel thought that kind of glib behavior was making young adolescents just a little too pushy for their own good.
"I shouldn't have-this whole thing has just gotten way out of hand." Emma Pilsbury says and Rachel can't help but wonder why the school guidance counselor sounds so distraught.
"This thing." Quinn said. It's a tone of voice Rachel is familiar with. Cold.
"And what is this "thing" to you? Happens often?"
"You know it doesn't." Emma whispers and Rachel pushes her ear so far to the door that she's afraid she will break the door in. It's then that Rachel hears it. A moan. It's short, guttural and the kind she thought she would make when she kissed Finn. She hears that sound and even though she doesn't believe it, she knows a kiss when she hears it.
"I've waited for you. Waited for you to ditch that farce of a relationship with Schuester. When you did, I thought you could wait for me until I left this God forsaken school. Now you're with him. A dentist. He isn't even a real doctor."
"He's a nice man."
"Have you slept with him?"
"Quinn-"
"Have you slept with him?" Quinn says and Rachel hears desperation, a thing she's never heard from Quinn.
"No. I'm not ready. I never have been." Emma said. Rachel feels like her head is going to implode with all of this scandalous information. She should be calling child protective services, the ACLU, Inside Edition but she stands at the door wanting more.
"I know I shouldn't have pursued you. It's funny all this time you thought I was the vulnerable one. But you're the weakest person I know, Emma. I don't even understand why I love you." Rachel can hear Emma gasp at the admission. She's glad she is not the only one gasping.
"Quinn, we…you know how special you are. But this can't continue. Not now." Rachel listens for more but she hears a chair scrape and Rachel scurries to hide behind a locker bank down the hallway. When Rachel finds cover she waits to see Quinn exit the guidance counselor's office, her backpack slumped over her shoulder as though she is carrying emotions Rachel only wishes to know she had.
Rachel watches the two women for the next few days. Quinn and Emma never interact at school, almost as though they carefully and strategically planned ways to avoid each other. No one would ever suspect that way, Rachel thought. Mostly, Rachel studies Quinn since they have classes together. Quinn is robotic as usual, never talks unless absolutely necessary. On occasion she makes a smart aleck comment or laughs at a joke Sam makes. The difference is Rachel now notices Quinn laughs at Sam's jokes the same way Rachel used to laugh at Finn's. She laughs to make him stop talking, to tune out, to pretend that everything is fine.
What Rachel can't understand is why after finding out how scandalous the teacher-student affair is, is why she never noticed Quinn's attraction to women before. Quinn had drawn those pornographic drawings of her in the bathroom. Quinn's best friends were the lesbian couple on campus. Quinn's "all about the pleasing, and not about the teasing" mantra for her celibacy club meetings, were a great cover for not wanting to actually have to sleep with a boy. And this is what intrigues Rachel so much.
Rachel always knew and thought Quinn was beautiful, but Rachel has never been attracted to Quinn. How could she be when Quinn was semi evil to her, never really said anything all that interesting and gritted her teeth rather than smiled. But Rachel never knew Quinn could feel so deeply. From what she heard in Emma's office, Quinn was passionate, calculating, fragile and heartbroken. Quinn was a full -fledged human being and Rachel had no idea.
It is after glee club that Quinn pushes Rachel into the girls bathroom. Quinn is not dramatic in her pushing, she guides Rachel firmly by the arm and slowly turns Rachel to face her.
"You've been staring at me for the past three days. Any particular reason?" Quinn asks. Rachel could lie. She could say Quinn was crazy and there is no way she is staring at her.
"I've been studying you." Rachel admits.
"Um, okay weirdo."
"There's just…you're more layered than I thought you were."
"Where is this coming from cuckoo bananas?" Quinn asks.
"Are you sure you're okay? When you sing it's as though you are pre-occupied with something. Do you want to talk about it?" Rachel asks and knows she phrased everything oh so wrong by the way Quinn stiffens.
"Talk about what?" Quinn asks with a hitch in her breath. Rachel gapes and tries to think of saying something witty or just get the hell out of there. She closes her mouth, and breathes before she stares Quinn in the eyes.
"Whatever it is that's bothering you. You look like you need a friend."
"We aren't friends Rachel. I'm not saying that to be mean, I just don't really know you."
"Maybe that makes me the best candidate to talk to." Rachel gives Quinn a small smile and she sees something in Quinn's eyes she hasn't before. Warmth.
"I'm all talked out Rachel." Quinn says. Quinn begins to walk out of the bathroom. Rachel lets out a resigned sigh and turns around when she notices Quinn hasn't left yet.
"So you know about it then?" Quinn asks and the two of them know what she's talking about. Rachel nods. Quinn pinches the bridge of her nose, frowns for a moment before shaking her head. "I know you have a tendency to blab. Please try to manage not to ruin my life, twice." Quinn says before leaving. Rachel remembers telling Finn Puck was the biological father. She never regretted that decision. This though, this was way over her head.
It's at the school talent show that Rachel's heart shatters. Rachel had performed an Andrew Lloyd Webber medley guaranteeing her the win, but it was two performances later that Principal Figgins announced Quinn's name. Quinn stood in front of a microphone, an acoustic guitar slung over her shoulder and Rachel had no idea Quinn even knew how to play. Had she just been faking not to know with Sam? Rachel realized there was probably quite a lot Quinn was faking. Quinn didn't introduce the song, she didn't warm up the audience, she just stared into nothingness and played the song while Rachel watched her from backstage.
If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much
Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
Rachel stares at Quinn who looks calm, bitter and strums out chords that are as powerful as her voice. Quinn's voice is normally very airy, light, sultry but at the moment, Quinn is verbose and guttural.
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
The song continues and Rachel looks for her in the audience. When she does find Emma Pilsbury, she is in the third row to the left. Emma knows the song is for her and she is smiling to hide. She is smiling so no one can misinterpret why her hands are clutching her chair so tightly or why she has dark circles under her eyes. Emma is pretending this isn't happening, though Rachel can see Emma fight back a tear. It's subtle, but Rachel has always been able to pick up subtleties even though Rachel is never subtle.
When Quinn finishes the song, her jaw is set giving the audience a small wave. Though the wave isn't directed at anyone in particular, Rachel knows whom it is intended for. Quinn exits stage left and Rachel walks backstage to catch up with her. When she does find Quinn, its outside in the parking lot. Quinn is smoking a cigarette and Rachel is shocked but knows this isn't the time for a lecture about cancer and the like.
"Quinn,"
Quinn turns around, rolls her eyes at Rachel and takes another drag before putting out the offending cigarette.
"What is it, Berry? I was too sharp?"
"No. No you did very well." The two stare at each other and Rachel finally sees a lost little girl who pretends, so very hard to be tough and grown up.
"I was just saying goodbye. And you know us glee kids, we have to do every fucking thing in song." Quinn says with a hard laugh. Rachel didn't know Quinn averted pain through humor. She likes it.
"You swore. I didn't know you did that."
"There's a lot about me you don't know. Probably because I fake everything." Rachel thinks it must be hard to have a secret relationship, especially one with such serious consequences. Rachel thinks about all the sneaking around Emma and Quinn must have done. She can't imagine how long their relationship lasted, but even a week under that duress would have exhausted Rachel.
"You won't have to fake anything anymore. Now that you've said goodbye I mean." Rachel says. What Rachel has said finally dawns on Quinn and Quinn's body relaxes.
"You're right. There's nothing to hide. Well, aside from being gay." Quinn's face crumples and she begins to weep, holding her face in her hands. Rachel doesn't have to think about what to do next as she embraces Quinn tightly.
Rachel keeps an eye on Emma Pilsbury for the next few weeks but most of her attention has been on Quinn. Quinn and Rachel have gotten coffee a few times and Quinn doesn't open up about her relationship with Emma, but the two of them actually do talk to each other about teenage stuff, college admissions, Puck's halitosis and Quinn's daughter. It is during these coffee breaks outside of school that Rachel notices things about Quinn she never did before.
Quinn has a slight scar on her right index finger from cutting a carrot at age thirteen. Quinn actually reads books for fun. Quinn thinks about studying psychology and thinks graveyards are very serene. Rachel thinks Quinn is weird, messed up, enigmatic and she has a huge, massive crush on her. It doesn't bother Rachel, the crush on Quinn because she knows she doesn't have to worry about her family accepting her. Rachel just doesn't get why it took her so long to figure out that Quinn is dreamy.
It's a month later at Quinn's mom's apartment that Rachel kisses Quinn. They are in Quinn's room and Rachel is going over lyrics for the new song they are rehearsing in glee club.
"Emma's transferring." It's the first time Quinn has mentioned Ms. Pilsbury by name and it catches Rachel off guard.
"How do you feel about it?" Rachel asks. Quinn shrugs.
"Sad. Relieved. Angry. But mostly sad." Rachel sits next to Quinn at the edge of her bed.
"Why-I mean, what was it about her? Not that she isn't pretty but how did it even start?" Quinn is quiet for a moment and Rachel wonders if she should have just left it alone.
"She was someone more messed up than I was. She was a shoulder to cry on. I needed someone. I have a thing for redheads. These things just happen Rachel." Quinn says with a small smile. Rachel whispers the next bit.
"Do you only have a thing for redheads?" Quinn takes in Rachel's question and Rachel stares at the ground with her brow furrowed.
"I actually prefer brunettes." Quinn said. When Rachel lifts her face to Quinn's the two stare at each other for a moment. Rachel's eyes ask permission and when she sees Quinn smirk, Rachel leans in and kisses Quinn. It is infinitely better than kissing Finn.