He's not like the other boys, that's why Hinata loves him, but sometimes she wishes he was. She wished he had Neji's maturity, Shikamaru's intelligence, Sasuke's experience, but he doesn't. He's caring, he's stubborn, he's childish, he's a lot of things, but understanding isn't one of them. She remembers coming home that night, a large jacket draped over her shoulders, hiding the scandalous outfit that was underneath. Naruto hadn't said anything on their short walk from the village gate's to their small apartment. Hinata would glance at him every few seconds, but he can barely look in her direction without a look of disgust and betrayal.
"Why didn't you say anything?" he asks finally as she sits herself down on their ratty couch.
"I...I..."Hinata trails off, unable to control her stutter, "What was I supposed to say?"
"I don't know, anything!" he shouts, growling in the back of his throat "A warning would've been nice." Hinata chokes back the sob that threatens to break her control.
"I can barely say it to myself" she whispers, "How could I even begin to explain it to you?"
"So you were just never going to tell me?"
"You wouldn't understand! You think I felt good about this, you think I wanted to do this?"
"You could've said no!" Hinata gets up and slaps him across the cheek, the resounding sound echoing off the silent walls of their home.
"I never had a choice" She cries, the silent tears tracing a waterfall down her cheek.
"You always have a choice"
"I am a kunoichi first, it is my duty"
"And so it's perfectly okay to betray me?"
"I had to betray my own body, but it's always about you! It always has been about what you want and what you need. Have you ever thought this might be hurting me more than you?" Hinata finally breaks down, collapsing on the couch and crying into her knees. Naruto stares down at her through his own watery eyes.
"Was this the only time?" he asks softly. The dark-haired girl shakes her head. "God dammit Hinata, how many times has this happened? She doesn't answer, just continues to cry. Naruto cries out in frustration, startling the girl who chances one look into his eyes. She sees the hurt, the pain and she knows that he can't see the same emotions reflected in her eyes. He breaks eye contact first, turning to run out the door.
Hinata wishes he was mature like Neji. When Tenten comes home he's always waiting by her door. She never has to say anything, just follows him out to the training grounds where they will train the night away. He knows she'll never be able to fall asleep that night, he knows there's nothing he can say to alleviate the pain and guilt, but he knows that the very least he can do is let her vent. He knows that she has it worse than any of them, that no matter how many times she tries to rise above her past, these missions will remind her that while the clouds may rise to touch the sky, they will eventually fall with the rain. And like the rain Tenten will always come full circle, knowing that no matter what she does, who she impresses, she will always be the dirt on the ground. But Neji makes it okay, he reminds her that she is the Earth that everyone needs, and the rain that everyone desires. He understands, and that's enough for the both of them.
Hinata wishes he was more intelligent like Shikamaru. He's known long before Ino what being a kunoichi meant, what kind of burden they would have to carry, what they would have to give up for the villagers that would never know the horror of the World. He would know what kind of people they would have to become to serve their home. When she showed up at his door the first time, he takes her to the roof to watch the night sky. He holds her close until the dirt falls away, and he gets to see Ino for who she is, not what she has to be. He doesn't ask what she did this time or last time, never asks the questions she knows he wants to ask. He just puts back the pieces that have broken and makes her whole again. He understands and that's enough for the both of them.
Hinata wishes he was more experienced liked Sasuke. He's been to the other side, he's seen the worse side of humanity, he's seen the things that they have to do to survive, what he had to do to survive. He's seen the kinds of things she's had to do to ensure someone else's happiness, to shelter someone else's innocence, all at the expense of her own. So when Sakura comes home he'll just grab her and kiss her. Kisses her until the she forgets what she did, who she did it with, when she might have to do it again. And when they're lying side by side in bed, he'll remind her that what she did isn't the worst thing in the world. He reminds her why she did it and what she did it all for. He understands, and that's enough for the both of them.
Hinata wishes for all that, wishes that for once Naruto could look at the World through her eyes. Her friends found solace in the arms of their lovers; others found it at the bottom of a bottle of sake. Hinata can do neither, so she bottles up her pain and hides it from the world. She wanted to tell him the first time, but she didn't want to dump her burden on him. This was her shame to carry, the fragments of her own dignity she had to piece back together. She wanted to tell him last time, but when he held her she couldn't find her courage. She wouldn't have even told him this time if he hadn't shown up at the gate to surprise her, only to surprise himself. She knew he would never understand that every time she put on this outfit just a little part of her dies. That every time she returns home to his smile and warmth, the guilt makes her want to curl up and die. And every time she tries to hide that pain with a smile, she just digs the knife a little deeper into her heart. He doesn't understand now, but she's willing to wait until he does, because someday he will. Someday may not be today, tomorrow or a year from now, but she's willing to wait for someday. She understands that the good things in life are worth waiting for, she's waited for the first 18 years of her life, she can wait another 18 if that's what it takes. She understands, and that's enough for now.
I realise that this might be a little unrealistic, seeing as Hinata would never be subject to such missions as the Hyuuga heiress, but I really couldn't see the other boys acting this childish either. This is my look at the darker side of being a kunoichi. Hope you guys enjoyed it! Review and let me know what you think.
Penguin