"Welcome to Rio de Janeiro"

Chapter One

By Order of the Establishment

Jose Carioca looked out from his hallow tree towards the city of Rio de Janeiro, thinking about the last time he was really home. It had been almost four years since he was in native Brazil, Jose told himself that he would stay for life this time, even going so far as to put a restraining order on Panchito to legally prevent the rooster from contacting him. Despite this, Jose still frequently ran into Panchito on more than one occasion, each time the rooster tried to convince him to return to the Three Caballeros, and each time the parrot denied the offer.

The sun rose to high noon. Jose flew down to the forest floor, to the large bathing pool at the base of his tree. Jose took off his shirt and hat and hung them on a low hanging branch, before stepping into the pool.

"What a beautiful day" Jose said to himself, "the sun is out, the neighbors are singing and here I am sitting in this pool. What a day this is going to be!"

Jose closed his eyes and gently drifted off to sleep.

Hours later, Jose was awaken by the flapping of wings, Jose opened his eyes and immediately jumped out the pool in a futile attempt to hide himself from whoever it was that had arrived.

"Who is it?" Jose asked as he shook himself off behind the tree and put on his clothes

"I'm surprised that you don't remember me Carioca" a deep voice answered, "But it has been a long time after all."

Jose peered out from behind the tree and was face to face with a large black vulture, "Martinez?" Jose said fearfully, "W-w-What are you doing here?"

Martinez shrugged, "Making my rounds, collecting my debts. The better question would be- What are you doing here at my tree in my pool Mr. Carioca?"

Jose moved out from behind the tree and lit a cigar.

"Now wait just a minute Senor" Jose began, "This is my tree and my pool. I paid good money for this piece of real estate, honest money."

Martinez laughed maniacally, "That's what you think!"

Martinez immediately got serious and right up in Jose's face, "When you left the country you voided your property. Since I'm the landlord around here, it makes this tree and this pool mine. You understand that?"

Jose shook his head in disagreement, "No" he said, "I never voided anything when I left. It's still in my name and it's still my property. You have no right to-"

Martinez put his wing over Jose's mouth, silencing him.

"I believe this" Martinez pulled out the deed to the land, "says otherwise. According to this official government document. This property and everything it encompasses, is mine."

Martinez removed his wing; Jose had a face of shock and disbelief.

"Please Senor" Jose begged, "Don't do this! Don't throw me out on the streets. I have a life here, a decent paying job, a girlfriend and a nephew who looks up to me like I'm his father. Don't take away my house."

Martinez laughed at Jose's statement, "You're nothing but a simple tour guide. Your girlfriend is a whore and your nephew almost destroyed Cristo Redentor. As for your house...it's still mine."

Jose began stammering; trying to find words, but Martinez only flew up to the tree and began chucking all of Jose's belongings out of it. Jose simply watched as priceless family heirlooms like a century old dresser, a box full of jewelry and Jose's personal collection of rare and one of a kind handmade cigars were thrown into the woods, never to be seen again.

"I'll get you for this Senor" Jose shouted, "One day I'm going to make you my bitch!"

Jose, not wanting to put up a fight at present, walked away and headed towards the streets of Rio.

Walking through the streets of Rio, Jose came across the local night club, La Boco Boco. Entering the club, Jose immersed himself in the world of ecstasy, acid, alcohol and dance music. To the right of the door was the bar, scattered around the room in various positions were several tables. On the back wall a stage, complete with four stripper poles was seen, to the right of the stage was the piano, the player was always the luckiest guy in the house, considering that after each show he got "special visits" from each dancer. To the left of the stage were the bathrooms. The nightclub itself was a rectangle and covered in black lights save for the bar, which had normal bulbs that emitted a subtle yellow light to contrast the blue atmosphere of the rest of the room.

Sitting at the counter, Jose looked at the bartender.

"Hey bartender!" he said shouting over the music, "a round over here por favor!"

The bartender who was at the other end of the counter, poured Jose a draft and slid it over the counter top, Jose catching it at the last second.

"Gracas Senor" Jose replied, "Voce tem o meu diz respeito."

The bartender looked at him as if he were crazy, "What did you say?" he asked.

Jose rolled his eyes and looked up, "I said, 'You have my regards' Senor."

The bartender nodded in response, "Next time just say it in English asshole."

Jose huffed. "Well excuse me" Jose said to himself, "but last I checked this was my country. And people in my country speak Portuguese. So who's the asshole for not knowing languages, the native or the guy who's only been here for like six months?"

Silence

"Exactly" Jose concluded.

Jose took a drink of the draft and pulled out a cigar, he then searched his pockets for his lighter, only to discover that a large hole with in his shirt pocket, which meant that his lighter, like the rest of his belongings, was lost forever.

"Damn it!" Jose cried as he banged his head on the counter in defeat, "What did I do to deserve this? All I did today was relax in a pool."

Jose looked towards the sky and continued

"Was it because I was naked? Was it because I forgot to pray to Christopher this morning? Okay...I'll do it now."

Jose stood up from the bar stool and got down on one knee; he folded his hands and began praying.

"São Cristóvão. Please show me a sign that this day isn't going to be complete shit. I'll do good on my end if you do good on yours. Deal?"

At that moment, weather it was by coincidence, an answer to his prayer or a freak accident, Jose was struck on the head by an unsuspecting elbow.

"Goodness!" the owner of the voice said as Jose screamed in pain and fell to the floor, "I'm sorry are you okay?"

Jose held his head as if it were about to burst open, spilling his brain out all over the floor.

"I'm okay" Jose replied through his teeth as he stood up, "You just have the hardest elbow in the world."

The owner of the voice, a man named Fernando Miguel, laughed in response. Fernando was the guy who always dressed in Hawaiian shirts and brown shorts, with thick circle rimmed glasses, a freakishly huge nose and a nasally laugh to accompany it. Saying that Fernando was socially awkward was a huge understatement.

Fernando extended his hand in greeting, "Fernando Miguel, Senor."

Jose stared at him, drawing back slightly in both confusion and surprise, "Seriously? That's your name, Fernando Miguel?"

Fernando nodded in response

"Are you sure Senor?" Jose continued, "Because you look an awful look like one of my tourists and Fernando Miguel is your name?"

Fernando nodded once again, "Yeah I know" he replied, "I'm just screaming filthy American tourist aren't I? Trust me my friend, I'm a native."

Jose, hearing this, went on the defensive.

"Watch it amigo. A lot of my friends are Americans. Hell, technically speaking we are Americans."

Fernando rolled his eyes, "Well yeah" he said, "on a technical level sir. But then you gotta think demographics, culture differences etc. That's just too much work for me, so I just say I'm Brazilian and leave it at that."

Jose shook his head, "You have a funny way of looking at things Senor Miguel. But I can't argue or complain about it, so I'll just let it go."

Fernando sat at the counter. It wasn't long before Fernando started to look intensely at Jose, as if he were studying him.

"What are you doing Senor?" Jose asked, getting more and more uncomfortable as Fernando's eyes got bigger, literally becoming bug eyed.

"Studying" Fernando answered in a monotone voice.

Jose scooted his stool over to the left, away from Fernando, but this only caused Fernando to scoot his stool closer to Jose.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jose replied trying to get him to stop his bug eyed stare.

In response Fernando lifted Jose's right wing and began looking at it in the same fashion, Jose tried to pull away but Fernando's grip was strong.

"Good flight feathers" Fernando exclaimed, "decent wingspan."

Fernando began lifting Jose's wing up and down, intimating the flying motion.

"Good flight pattern" Fernando looked at Jose's armpit, "Healthy underside."

While Fernando was "studying" him, Jose's face was one of shock, terror, and had the phrase, 'This guy is a loon' all over it.

"You wouldn't happen to be a green rough tailed Brazilian parrot would you?" Fernando asked, his eyes still bulging as he stared at Jose's face.

Jose slowly shook his head.

"Si" Jose replied as he poked Fernando's eyes back to normal, only for them to return to their bug eyed position, "Why?" Jose asked

Fernando laughed and moved his face closer to Jose's.

"I'm a naturalist you see. And I just happen to be studying your species, I'm practically interested in your social interactions, you know, mating rituals, displays of dominance..."

Jose pushed Fernando away with his left wing, almost causing Fernando to fall out his stool, which would've sent Jose right along with him for the naturalist was still grasping his right wing in a never ending death grip.

"Come back in three weeks Senor" Jose said, "I'll tell you all about it. Now would you kindly give me my wing back? I kinda need that."

Fernando finally reverted his eyes back to normal and looked down, for the first time noticing that he had Jose's wing.

"Oh of course" he said sheepishly as he released the wing, "Sorry about that I tend to get carried away sometimes."

Jose huffed and ordered another round.

As the night dragged on Jose continued to drink, so much so that he could barely stand. It didn't help that Fernando slipped Jose several dozes benzodiazepine or more common known as roofies, into Jose's drinks every time he ordered another round. Fernando simply waited for the bird to pass out cold on the bar counter, which took a surprisingly long time, considered that Jose just continued to order drinks.

"Jesus" Fernando thought to himself, "You'd think he'd be dead by now."

Jose then began laughing hysterically; turning to Fernando he spoke.

"Hey amigo. O que hora é ele?"

Fernando, who understood enough Portuguese to understand what Jose was talking about looked at his watch and gave his answer.

"It's 2:00 am."

At that moment, the bartender called the last call. Jose looked around, the feathers on his head were standing on its end, and his eyes were baggy and bloodshot red.

"Bartender" Jose shouted louder than usual, as a result of the alcohol," Outra rodada!"

Before the bartender could comply with Jose's request, the parrot collapsed on the floor, the drugs finally kicking in. Fernando let out a sigh of relief.

"About time" he said to himself as he picked up Jose, who had gone limp and slowly becoming dead weight.

"I'm taking you with me" Fernando said to Jose, who couldn't answer.

"We're going to be the best of amigos you and me Senor. We can stay up all night and watch movies; I can study you while you sleep and wash you, feed you, dry you, and dress you. Just like me and my roommate in community college...until he hung himself with a rope."

Fernando opened the door outside.

"He was always so full of life. Always running, screaming his head off as if he just won the lottery or something, don't know why he had to do it to me though."

Fernando shrugged and walked up the street towards the edge of Rio and his apartment complex that rested on the verge of the forest.

"Oh well" Fernando concluded, "None of that's going to happen though. Cause you and me...we're friends for life, that's amigos para a vida in Portuguese."