She had been missing for a long time... he'd learned of this while he was prison, and after he'd escaped from execution, it was confirmed among the only two comrades at his side now... She was gone, disappeared somewhere on Tenrou Island, but how? The more he thought of her, the more he dreamed, the more he remembered, the more he felt like he was dying everyday waiting for her return. And yet... His wretched memories would come back to him in flashes and remind him that he didn't deserve her or her love. It began during the time he was in prison. Small bits of pain he didn't want to remember and had no choice but to slowly remember, and then one day, not long after Meredy and Ultear rescued him... everything slammed him like a massive anvil, proving that his memories weren't just a farce or his imagination, and she was gone.
He had no idea where or why, but he was almost certain he'd never see her again. He opened his eyes, gasping and panting, his stomach churning and heart pounding fiercly against his breastbone as he saw for the thousandth time what he had done to his beloved scarlet-haired, the most precious person to have ever existed to him... Erza. Her name was enough to make his heart clench in agony and he grasped at his chest with his fist. The pain, the torture, the tragedy he had placed upon her, their comrades, and Simon's death, and she was gone... It was all too much for him to bear anymore.
A very choking sensation clutched at Jellal's throat, and in a husky tone, he politely excused himself from Ultear and Meredy's sight, leaving two very worried and confused females sputtering after him, but he just waved them off. He walked out into the night, just outside of the cave the three had been inhabiting and placed his hands against the outer wall of it, bracing his weight and lowered his head. What have I done...? What did I do? Erza was right about everything... I had hoped more than ever that wasn't the kind of man I was. Why would I want to harm my comrades? What would make me want to do something so terrible? I was going to sacrifice Erza... my Erza all for Zeref's resurrection... why? What would have me fall so hard and so fast into darkness? I took the life of my own childhood friend... my own hand, my own spell, killed Simon, and I had been trying to kill Erza and Natsu. Why?
Jellal's legs began to tremble and went weak underneath him as he dropped down onto his knees no longer able to hold himself up. He brought a hand up to hold the side of face and dug his fingernails into his scalp through loose strands of blue hair. "This is... this is real... This is my memory... This is what I did to my comrades... To Erza... No... there's nothing, nothing I can do to make up for this, for the pain I've caused so many people. Erza... I'm so sorry," Jellal's breath hitched and he tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. He gripped his head harder, trying to ignore the burning sensation in his nose and the tingling behind his eyelids. He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could get them, but to no avail. The first sob escaped, and he no longer had any control over his tumultuous emotions that had been threatening him for some time now. The tears escaped, one by one, through closed eyes, and Jellal made no effort to stop them.
He couldn't even maintain the broken sobbing shuddering out of his throat, and he brought his other hand up to hold onto both sides of his head, letting his suffering and guilt consume him. Maybe it would have been better if Meredy and Ultear hadn't rescued him and busted him out of prison. Maybe it would have been better if they had left him to his execution. Then he could atone... he couldn't atone like this. Even if their ultimate goal was to purge the world of dark guilds and wizards so Zeref could no longer take control, now and no matter how much good they may end up doing, how would that even begin to make up for the pain and suffering he'd caused his comrades? Especially the one he loved with all his heart, and knew he didn't deserve her love or to love her, but there was no helping his feelings. The thoughts became more overwhelming, more dark as he thought of ways he could end his life without anyone knowing, when he felt a hand lay on his trembling shoulder.
He opened his blurry eyes and tried to sniff back his tears, but they just kept coming. Years and years of them. "Jellal," the voice of Ultear spoke up from behind him and her fingers squeezed his shoulder gently. "Meredy was worried... I told her I'd come check on you." Ultear sighed when there was no answer from the blue haired man. Jellal couldn't bring himself to speak. "I know what pains you... and I feel it's time you knew the truth..." Jellal lifted his head and peered over his shoulder up at Ultear, his eyebrows narrowing downward in curiosity.
"The... truth?" he questioned the raven haired woman, behind him, slowly, who's face had taken on a solemn yet caring expression.
Ultear walked around to the front of Jellal and sat down a few feet in front of him. "This isn't something I'm particularly proud of... but I know why you shed tears of remorse and why you're suffering."
"I don't understand," Jellal replied, gazing at the woman in front of him. "How could you possibly know anything about my crimes, the loss of Erza, and what this is doing to me?" He ignored how ridiculous he sounded, but he didn't think there was anyone in the world that could possibly comprehend his suffering.
"Because I was the one pulling the strings behind it all," Ultear spoke bluntly and yet gently, causing Jellal to breathe out a silent "what" and jerk back, staring wide-eyed at her. "It's my fault that you have gone through all you have and still are. It is because of me that Erza suffers and that you ache with remorse. You never even realized it, but I was the one using you. I simply played the part as the 'ghost of Zeref' and made you believe you were being haunted and manipulated by Zeref's ghost. You never were..." Ultear swallowed hard and sighed before continuing.
"Do you understand? I took advantage of your suffering because I felt at the time that you were too easy to allow me to manipulate. You were one of my victims that I used to obtain my goal, and that was unsealing Zeref, to get one of the keys needed to release him. All of the terrible things you did was because I brainwashed you, and I used you to my advantage. I controlled you and made you do all of those unforgivable things to your comrades at the Tower of Heaven. I made you kill Simon, I made you attack and try to kill Erza and use her as a sacrifice. I made you fight Natsu. All of that was me, Jellal. You are not to blame for any of this, and I understand if you prefer to part ways after I have revealed all of this to you. "
Jellal just stared at Ultear in shocked silence for a moment, and then his face relaxed. He closed his now-dry eyes and shook his blue head back and forth. "No. I was still weak enough to fall prey to the darkness. Regardless of you brainwashing me or not, I still did those things with my own hands, and now I must be punished for them."
"And how do you propose you go about punishment for your crimes?" Ultear questioned. "Do you insist on handing yourself back over to the Council? Are you going to go through with your execution? Is that what punishment you feel you deserve?"
Jellal closed his hazel eyes and simply turned his head away from Ultear's piercing stare. That is exactly what he was thinking and Ultear knew it. She cleared her throat. "How do you think you dying is going to fix everything? Do you really believe that when Erza returns she'd want you dead?" the woman scolded him, but Jellal said nothing. Just continued to stare at the ground. "You love her, don't you?" This caused the young man to swiftly raise his head and catch Ultear's eye. "I thought so. Erza loves you as well. It's plain as day to anyone that has seen you two together. When she returns, what do you think that Erza would want to return home to? To find out that you've been killed? What kind of pain do you think that will cause her, Jellal? Because it would be worse than the pain she feels from our crimes."
The blue haired mage sighed and raised a hand to run it through thick, blue locks and spoke, somewhat reluctantly. "I'll live on then, for Erza, and until she returns and decides my fate, that is what I'll continue to do. Live on, fight for her, protect the innocent, destroy the dark guilds. It's what she would want and what I want. It's what I have to do, or else I may never be free of this suffocating guilt."
Ultear nodded her head at him, closing her eyes, a small, knowing smile showing up on her lips. "Then it's settled. I'll leave you to your thoughts... I just felt you should know the truth. We'll further discuss plans and our next move in the morning."
"Ultear," Jellal began. "I... apologize that you had to see me in such a state. I never wanted anyone to see me like this. I never wanted to end up like this." He lowered his head, shamefully and embarrassed with himself.
Ultear just chuckled softly. "It's nothing to worry about. Everyone reaches a breaking point. I'm going back inside to let Meredy know that you're alright. You know where we are if you need anything. Goodnight, Jellal."
Jellal rose to his feet after Ultear disappeared into the cave, and stared up into the star-filled sky. No matter how much remorse, guilt, pain or suffering his past caused him, he needed to do what he knew was best, and that wasn't taking his own life. That was doing good for the world and continuing onward on his path of life, not for himself or for Ultear and Meredy, but for her. For Erza and the day he would find her again.
~End