A/N: This is a look at how differently the episode The trick is to keep breathing, could have went.
Please leave a review at the end.
"Hey Mouth, have you seen Brooke?" Peyton cleared her throat and tried not to sound so broken and down around Mouth, a guy like him might just ask what was wrong.
"Yeah she's off with benefiting, with Felix." On a different day she probably would have asked him what was wrong. Why his shoulders hung and why he spoke with venom in his voice when mentioning the guy that he had taken under his wing...or was it the other way around? And Peyton never saw Mouth drink, but he was obviously intent on doing so as he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and left Peyton alone, again.
Just like everyone else had tonight.
Had she missed something in this night? The moment when all her friends suddenly had something better to do? At least when it came to her anyway. And with the night that she was having she needed them not to have something better, she needed them. And Anna was off no where to be found, Haley and Nathan had their own problems tonight, and she wouldn't really go lean on Lucas, not the way she used to. But she expected Brooke to be there, expected Brooke to not prove Felix right and leave her alone at the end of the night.
And to think, she was the one complaining about being replaced.
Peyton sighed and turned, a beach house full of people and alcohol, there had to be something better. Her advance was halted when some boy stumbled into her. In his hand he held a cup of beer, or maybe it was wine, Peyton couldn't tell, it all stained the dress the same way.
"I'm-sorry." He stuttered out before making his way around her, probably to go refill his cup of the contents that he spilled on her. Any other night it wouldn't have been a big deal. Any other dress or pair of jeans or shirt she could have gotten over. But this night she was wearing her mother's dress, a dress that mattered to her. A dress that held meaning and feelings woven in the lime green threads that hugged her body like a piece of her mother still could. Peyton didn't have an old sweater to clutch to at night, a pillow to sleep on that reminded her of what she had lost but still held dear to her heart. All she had was this dress, and some boy that she had never met before and wouldn't remember if she ran into again had ruined it with one cup of alcohol.
Peyton wiped at the fabric with her bare hands as she felt the cool liquid on her stomach. She looked up with tears burning at the back of her eyes and no one seemed to notice her, or how her world was crashing down on her.
In a brisk walk, all the while looking down at the stain in her stomach as if to somehow make sure it didn't crawl further up her dress, Peyton ran in search of an empty bathroom that she found on the second floor. Usually at these parties the bathroom was always packed with girls gossiping about the cute boy that just hit on them or applying makeup. Fixing their faces to make sure the masks that they wore didn't reveal their pale lifeless skin to their peers that surrounded them. Peyton was grateful that this wasn't the case as she slammed the door behind her. She took a second to look into the mirror, a second given so she could observe just how pitiful she looked.
Crying over a dress...
Or was it a boy...
Or maybe it was a dead mother...
Or an absentee friend...
She loses track sometimes, there's so much crap in her life.
Peyton turned on the hot water and grabbed a toothbrush that sat on the sink counter, she didn't give a thought as to whose it was as she rubbed it against the bar of soap and began to scrub at the purple stain. She scrubbed harder and sobs become louder, shaking her body as she bent over wishing this night would just end.
It was only supposed to be one night.
One good night with her best friend. But here she was crying in a bathroom of a party alone. Peyton threw the toothbrush to the side angrily as she realized that her scrubbing was in vain, the dress was ruined. She sank to her knees grasping onto the counter before her and let life sink on her shoulders. Karen told her she would be okay, but okay only comes in the morning and she had hours to go before then. There was no okay in the middle of a night. There was pain and loneliness and regret in the middle of the night. Feelings that weren't foreign to her, feelings that yelled at her when she sat alone wishing that she had parents to hold her, or a best friend, or a boyfriend, or anyone.
Peyton stood up and looked over to her clutch purse that sat idle on the sink, remembering what Rick had given her.
Maybe he knew.
Maybe he saw the pain in her eyes and offered her a way out; maybe he was being more friend to her than any of the occupants of this party ever thought to be. There had to be a reason that she brought it with her, a reason that she held onto the vile of white powder that she had promised not to touch again. But it was only that one time, she had only tried it that one time. One time more couldn't be so bad right? Peyton grabbed the purse and decided to find out. Decided to put her tears behind her and ignore that purple stain that seemed to hover over the aching in her stomach.
There was a party going on below her, and she wanted in.
"Hey Nathan." Nathan broke his glare away from his wife to the guy that had called his name, he really wasn't sure who the kid with the glazed over eyes was.
"Not now!" He yelled back before he turned his attention over to Haley, she wasn't sure why he was so angry with her and honestly he was either. It just felt like a lie, like a violation, like a step back that they shouldn't be taking.
"But Nathan…" Nathan looked back over towards the kid who was still standing there, insistent on getting his attention.
"Dude what!" He demanded to know if only to get rid of the guy faster.
"I just thought you would like to know that there's some girl upstairs plastered." He motioned to the house behind him with his thumb. "Guess she got pretty wasted. I didn't really know what to do so I just carried her to the bedroom. But some not so chivalrous guy might find her soon soo..." Haley rolled her eyes and Nathan sighed aloud. They would both like to just ignore whoever it was that couldn't hold their liquor but he didn't want to be cleaning up puke and Haley was more concerned about a defenses girl lying unconscious in a bed at a party swarming with drunk teenage boys. Nathan pushed past the guy and headed into the house, followed closely by Haley.
"This isn't over Haley." Nathan called behind him as he trudged up the stairs to the second floor.
"No I know it's not Nathan." She wasn't finished with him just as much as he wasn't finished with her.
Nathan pushed the guest bedroom door open and flicked the light on, turning to the girl sprawled out on the bed obviously unconscious.
"Peyton?" His face contorted with confusion as he saw the curly haired blonde.
"I've never known Peyton to drink this much." Haley said as she went to the bed and sat down beside her friend. "Peyton?" Haley called hoping that she would at least get a groan or a shift from the girl. "Oh my god." Haley sounded alarmed and Nathan came over from his place by the door.
"What?"
"She's...freezing." Haley expected her to be burning up based on the sweat on her brow but Peyton was cold to the touch.
"Peyton!" Haley yelled louder as she saw the rough and shallow rise of her chest as if she was having trouble breathing. She reached for Peyton's face and pushed her eyelids apart, being met with the white of her eyeballs that rolled in the back of her head. "Nathan call 911!"
Brooke sat staring out at the ocean. She ran her fingers through the sand and tried to block out the smothered music of the party in the beach house behind her. Maybe Haley and Peyton were right. Maybe it was time for her to stop numbing her heart to the world. Maybe she should just try to live and love again, moving past boys like Felix who only lied and wanted to hookup. Or maybe she didn't even have to look for love in boys that were the opposite of Felix. Maybe she should just stop, stop and try to feel herself again because she wasn't happy. And she hadn't been in a long time.
And she wouldn't kid herself with the thought that a boy is what she needed because it's not. While she wasn't sure what she was lacking she knew it wasn't a boy. Boys had been there before, boys had always been there, but she had never felt happy. Or at least felt a happiness that could sustain her, that went past pillow fights with friends or sketches in a notebook. Those were temporary moments that felt good in a memory, in a moment looking back on time spent and relishing in the warmth that it had once brought. But it did nothing for the now. For the future or for what's in front of her Brooke felt nothing, and it wasn't a feeling that she wanted for the rest of her life.
Brooke's thoughts were broken with the loud sound of emergency vehicles. She looked over her shoulder and saw an ambulance pulling up to the beach house while fleeing teenagers spread out every which way. She stood, her heels in her hand, and headed back to see what was going on.
"Bevin!" Brooke reached out and gabbed Bevin's arm before she ran off in a crowd of teenagers. "What happened?" Brooke asked with confusion on her face.
"I don't know, I guess someone got hurt but I'm pretty sure the cops will be here soon so you'd better get out of here." Brooke looked up to see two paramedics rushing into the house carrying an orange backboard and some other equipment; Bevin took off again in the other direction. Brooke had surprisingly not had anything to drink tonight and so had no reason to run. She did however want to make sure that Nathan and Haley were okay because if something did happen, Nathan would surely be taking the blame for it since it was his party.
Brooke walked into the house and it was practically deserted. Empty bottles and party cups were everywhere and she imagined the clean up for this would be hell. She walked around the first floor, having not really been sure where all the commotion was at until she heard boots rushing down the stairs. She walked out of the kitchen just in time to see the paramedics before they walked out of the house.
They held onto different sides of the backboard that carried a motionless girl. One of the paramedics squeezed on a manual resuscitator that was strapped onto the girl's face. With the mask on Brooke wouldn't have recognized her if it wasn't for the dress.
"Peyton?!" Her heart skipped a beat and began to pick up speed, she looked up at Nathan and Haley who were making their way down the stairs. "What happened?!" The look on Haley's face was horrified as she shook her head clueless.
"I don't know. Some guy said he found her like that." Nathan pulled Haley into his chest as tears fell down her cheeks. Brooke seemed to fall into a haze at that. Her first thought was that she was drugged, that she had let her best friend be drugged again. This was the second time that this had happened, that Brooke allowed herself to become so distracted by a boy that she let her best friend be taken advantage of by another. Brooke cursed herself as she rushed outside to where Peyton was being lifted into the back of the ambulance.
"I'm coming with her." Brooke demanded and the second paramedic closed the doors.
"You'll have to ride up front."
Peyton slowly opened her eyes after what seemed like a lifetime. There was a soft pain in her head and an ache in her chest. She weakly brought her arm up rubbed at her chest, blinking heavily, wondering if her heart had finally broken. She immediately felt silly at the thought and cast it aside. She wasn't dead; she was in a hospital room. She had seen enough of those in her life to recognize one right off the back. From the frigid sheets that she always wondered how could they keep anyone warm when they looked so cold and lifeless, to the pale and basic tiles of the ceiling that she always found herself glancing up at to avoid the eyes of the person that usually lay dying in the bed.
This bed, the bed that she now rested in, for someone else to avoid her eyes.
Was she dying? She supposed that remained to be seen.
And if that was her whole life that flashed before her, then she realized how meager and meek of a life she had been living.
"Peyton?" Peyton hadn't turned her head far enough to see the sleeping brunette in the chair beside her. The only person that she supposed would be there with her mother dead and her father in the wind, no matter how late she chose to show up.
"What happened?" Peyton wasn't really sure what she remembered. Brooke sat up and grabbed a hold of Peyton's hand, taking a second to gather her thoughts but not bothering to wipe at the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"They, they said you overdosed. On cocaine, cocaine Peyton." Brooke shook at the hand that she clasped in her own as Peyton looked away, giving a rough nod of her head.
"Oh." She heard Brooke sniffle and felt the grip on her hand tighten.
"Peyton...how bad is this?" Peyton looked back over to Brooke, she looked scared to ask, or maybe scared of the answer. Afraid that Peyton would tell her that she had lied, and that this had been happening a lot.
"It was only that one time." There was a staleness is Peyton's tone, an apathy that wasn't there before.
"It only takes one time..." So did that mean Peyton was an addict? Was she a cokehead or a coke whore or whatever? Did one time just to get her shot mean that this was a problem? A bad addiction that she had to fix because it would keep coming back to pull her down? An addiction that itched on the edge of her bones, begging her to place her nose against mahogany surfaces so she didn't have to face the world and all that pain that came with it. She supposed for now, she didn't really know how bad it was.
But lying in a hospital bed because of an overdose gave her a pretty good idea.
"Were you trying to do this Peyton?" Again Peyton looked over to Brooke. She was being vague; she didn't ask directly the questions that she wanted to know. She tiptoed around 'how bad is your coke addiction', or 'were you actively trying to kill yourself'. Instead grabbing individual letters from the direct truth and forming different sentences that made her more comfortable.
And to her question again Peyton didn't know the answer.
Was she trying to do this?
Well, she was trying to relieve herself. She did empty cocaine onto a countertop. She did push apart that line. And she did inhale, catching her breath in her lungs and using her nose as a gateway to nirvana. But she wasn't sure if this overdose was intentional. Maybe it wasn't and maybe it was. Maybe she let her subconscious decide and this was the answer that she came up with.
Peyton didn't really remember if death crossed her mind, but she supposed for a lot of people it never did.
"It was only that onetime Brooke." She wasn't really sure why she repeated that, it really wasn't much of an answer. Brooke took another second, putting her head down and taking a deep breath, shutting her eyes and trying to trap the tears behind them.
"Peyton you promised me," her voice cracked as she continued, she couldn't help the tears either. "You promised me that you wouldn't do this again."
"And you promised me you would be there." Peyton's voice was barely a whisper. It was no louder nor lower than if had been this entire time but both girls had now just actively realized how low that was. Brooke opened her eyes, there was pain written in her expression. Peyton hadn't really meant that the way it sounded, the way Brooke would take it. This wasn't her fault. Peyton just happened to find herself alone in a moment of weakness.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there. And that I haven't been." Peyton was a little surprised that Brooke didn't fight her on that but of course she wouldn't. "I'm supposed to be there for you. You're supposed to come talk to me and I'm sorry I let you down. Peyton, I'm so sorry I let you down." Both girls sat in silence, neither bothering to look at the other and watch the path that the tears took down their cheeks. Or the pattern that their shoulders shook in. Or count the milliseconds that it took to fully open their eyes after tear soaked eyelashes closed for a brief moment in time.
"You really scared me P. Sawyer. I don't know what I would ever do without you."
Obviously Peyton knew what she would do without Brooke.
"I'm gonna get better Brooke...this was just this one time."