Title: How Harry Learned to Stop Denying And Love The Gay
Author: Cherusha
Rating: PG-13 (for a bit of swearing)
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Genre: Humour, Silliness
Summary: Post-DH fic (not epilogue-compliant). Through a series of sequential events, Ron helps Harry come out of denial.

HARRY & RON

"So you broke up with Ginny."

"She broke up with me."

"Because you like blokes."

"No, because she likes girls."

"Who are you seeing, again?"

"I told you, Ron. Jessica from Accounting."

"She's quite a lanky woman, that Jessica. Deep, thick voice. Are you sure you're not gay?"

"I don't know. Have sex with me and find out."

"Whoa, now. I'm a family man."

"You just got engaged last week."

"And you broke up with Ginny last week."

"She broke up with me."

"Are you telling me there's a connection?"

"Between what?"

"You know. I get engaged to Hermione, you break up with Ginny."

"Wait, you think I did this all to 'steal your thunder'?"

"No, no. But maybe my engagement with Hermione was too much for you. Maybe our upcoming heterosexual nuptials made you realise just how dead the future would be for you if you were to pursue this same path of heteronormativity with Ginny. Maybe you realised that by marrying Ginny, you'd be resigning yourself to a life of guilt, repression and self-loathing, and it will turn you into a bitter, twisted man. Don't be that man, Harry. I'm your friend."

"Right. Because I'm gay."

"I'm glad to see you've finally turned around and admitted it."

"Are you out of your mind? Ginny's the gay one, not me!"

"Homophobe. And I thought I knew you."

"What? I'm not! I just don't go around doing those things with men."

"Engage in anal homosexual copulation?"

"Yes, Ron. Thank you for clarifying it so explicitly."

"So you're a repressed gay."

"No. I am a non-gay."

"Harry, this is no time for your existential musings. Our friendship is at stake."

"How is our friendship at stake?"

"I'm your best friend. You should at least be honest with me."

"You want the truth?"

"Yes, please."

"I broke up with Ginny because she was fat."

"You bloody bastard!"

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to hear the truth."

"I've a mind to punch you out for that."

"Don't know what's stopping you."

"Because I am a good friend, Harry. I understand what you're going through: all that confusion, all that repression. You lash out at the slightest provocation, shielding yourself from the world, afraid the would is going to reject you for who you are."

"I don't know how I live with myself."

"You're showing admirable restraint. I'm surprised you haven't jumped me yet."

"If this is your way of seducing me, I can tell you that it's not working."

"This is an intervention, Harry. It's time you came clean and embraced your pinkness. Don't fight it!"

"Oh God."

"You can kiss me if that'll help."

"Arrrgh."

"If I were into blokes, you would be exactly the type I'd go for."

"I thought you told me you were into Hermione for her brains, wit and haughty, domineering attitude."

"Well, yes."

"But I'm not like that at all."

"You have a point..."

"So if you were into blokes, you'd be more into someone like, oh I don't know, Kingsley Shacklebolt or Draco Malfoy."

"Merlin! I can't believe you're into Draco Malfoy."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What? Am I awake? Is this a dream? How on Earth do you get from what I just said to that!"

"It all falls into place now."

"No it doesn't! Nothing falls into place, least of all anything to do with Malfoy!"

"Really? Then why did you hire him?"

"Must we go through this again? Because he's a great asset to the department."

"Ha! In more ways than one."

"Having a good laugh?"

"I'm laughing with you, not at you, Harry. I wouldn't do that."

"Okay, so by your logic, I also badly want to bone Shacklebolt."

"Don't be ridiculous. Jessica has blonde hair."

"And??"

"All this rage can't be healthy for anyone."

"I can think of one way to cure it."

"Harry, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that look you're giving me."

"What look? Oh, you mean this 'I'm going to throttle you in the next five seconds' look?"

"Perhaps you need a more peaceful way to release yourself. Is Malfoy on duty tonight?"

"Ugh."

"I wonder if he's seeing anybody..."

"See? You don't even know if Malfoy's gay."

"Oh, he's gay."

"And how would you know?"

"Harry, are you saying you'd go for it?"

"No! Because I'm not gay!"

"So if you were gay, you would."

"Why do I feel like I'm a broken record? --Don't say it."

"I wasn't going to. I think I just spotted our suspect. Come on."

"Thank Merlin! I fucking hate stakeouts."

RON & DRACO

"Hi Draco! Mind if I sit here?"

"Why are you calling me 'Draco'? And yes, I'd rather you not sit here. I'm trying to finish this report."

"Coworkers should get along in the workplace. It helps productivity."

"That training weekend in Glasgow really addled your brain."

"So how is life?"

"None of anyone's business except my own."

"Ugh. This sandwich is disgusting."

"Hm."

"I'm thinking of submitting a complaint. Surely the Ministry has enough money to supply better food. Ew, this stuff is incomparable to Hogwarts. Do you remember Hogwarts?"

"Vaguely."

"Ah, I remember it like yesterday. Great times. Ugh, I can't eat this anymore."

"So leave."

"Why?"

"Usually that's what people around here do when they've finished eating."

"Gee, Draco. I'm only trying to be friendly."

"So go be friendly with someone else."

"Nope. Believe it or not, you're the most interesting person in the room right now."

"How fortunate for me."

"So I'm engaged to Hermione Granger."

"I'm so happy I can hardly contain my excitement."

"Ha! You're pretty funny, you know? I guess I can kind of see now what he sees in you, even though you're such a bucket of sunshine. Oh, sorry, do you mind? Your chips don't taste that bad. Should have gotten the chips instead. Hermione and I just moved into a new flat, did you know? I wish there was a decent place nearby to get chips. And now she's already trying to decide on dress to wear and dragging me to all these bridal catering places--"

"Who sees me, what?"

"Hmmm? Oh don't worry, you're definitely invited to the wedding."

"Oh yay. I was going to kill myself if I wasn't."

"No need to get all jumpy so soon. It's not until next year. Now what was your question?"

"Never mind. I've stopped caring."

"Ah. Anyway, Hermione thinks duck, I'm more in favour of the chicken myself--"

"Why are you still talking?"

"Because I want to chat."

"So? Go find Potter then."

"Can't. He's out on an assignment."

"Big surprise."

"He's a force of nature, isn't he?"

"He's a force of something, alright."

"The office feels empty without him."

"The word you're looking for is peaceful."

"So I suppose he's told you the news."

"What news."

"You know. The reason he and Ginny broke up."

"The papers said--"

"Shhh! Aw, shit, Draco. You know better than to believe what the papers say."

"Fine. Then what's the story?"

"Wait. You mean he hasn't told you?"

"No."

"That coward!"

"What?"

"I thought surely he'd have gotten up the courage by now."

"To do what?"

"He's only lying to himself."

"Weasley, what are you on about?"

"Draco, this is serious. I really think you need to go talk to him. No one can help him but you. And it's 'Ron', by the way."

"I still don't know what you're talking about!"

"Trust me, Draco. You need to hear this from his own mouth."

"But I don't see why the breakup has anything to do with me!"

"How long have you been here?"

"Five months. Why?"

"Seek and yea shall find."

"You have lost your fucking mind."

"It's 'Ron'. And I really feel like we've made progress with this conversation."

"Well, at least one person is happy."

"Don't tell Harry what I've told you. He wanted to be the one to break the news."

"You haven't told me anything except gibber nonsense at me for quite a long time."

"Oh, but whatever you do, don't ask him about Jessica!"

"I am ignoring you now. I have a report to finish."

"Oh sure! Let me leave you to your work. And thanks for lunch, by the way. Those chips were delicious."

DRACO & HARRY

"Potter."

"Yes, Malfoy."

"I think you have something to tell me."

"Huh?"

"About recent events?"

"Oh? Ah, yes. Nice job on the report."

"No..."

"No?"

"Recent events, but not that recent."

"I thought I debriefed everyone about the case."

"Nothing to do with the case. In fact nothing to do with the Auror department at all."

"I see."

"Yes."

"...can you enlighten me, then? I'm completely lost."

"Wait. You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"

"No."

"I'm going to kill him."

"Kill who? Not in a serious way, I hope?"

"I don't think pure evil can be totally destroyed."

"Right."

"So how's Jessica?"

"Er, fine."

"Ah."

"Everything's going on okay with you two?"

"What are you implying?"

"Oh, just something Weasley told me."

"He WHAT?"

"Wow."

"He didn't!"

"Yes, he did. He really did."

"You can't seriously believe anything he's said."

"Well... you tell me, then."

"Malfoy. It was extremely insensitive of him to have lied about me to you, especially given that you're... you know."

"What?"

"Different. From us. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"No, sorry, that was offensive of me. You're not 'different' in the sense of 'ew, freak' kind of way. You're just... statistically at variance?"

"You mean Slytherin. I can't believe you still think it matters!"

"What? No! I mean, unless Slytherins are statistically more likely to be... no. Malfoy, you must know it doesn't mean anything to me. I don't care. I hired you because you're one of the best, not because I was afraid of being seen as discriminatory. And even though I myself am not, I have many friends who are--"

"Slytherin? Please. You hang out with Gryffindors, with one or two Ravenclaws in the mix."

"Huh? No... gay."

"Pardon?"

"You're gay?"

"What?? When did I ever tell you I was gay?"

"Sorry, you didn't. You never told me you were gay. Fuck! I am going to kill Ron. He told me you were gay! I can't believe I fell for it. Shit, sorry, Draco. This is so embarrassing for me. Let's just pretend this conversation never happened. I shouldn't have mentioned it, it's entirely unprofessional of me. Your personal life is your own business, and I apologise."

"I don't know why you're apologising to me when I'm the one who brought it up."

"Oh... Ahem. Yes. Ha!"

"Seems like Ron's the one who should be doing to apologising."

"Oh, I can't wait until the next time I see him."

"Go easy on him. I think he was just trying to help... in his own blundering, buffoonish way."

"Yes, but for the life of me, I can't imagine just who he thinks he's helping."

"Well, now that's all sorted out... See you tomorrow, then."

"Thanks, Draco. Bye!"

"Oh, but Harry? He was right about one thing."

"What's that?"

"I am gay. I thought you knew."

HARRY & HERMIONE

"Ron, you fucking bastard!"

"Ron'll be back in an hour, Harry. You look like you're about to explode!"

"Hermione, you may love him and he may be my lifelong best friend, but the man you are marrying is a bastard."

"I have probably a hundred Weasleys who'll argue against that claim. Come sit down and tell me what he did."

"He--"

"Tea?"

"Thanks, Hermione. He--"

"Take a drink first, Harry."

"This is really good. Where'd you buy this?"

"Little shop just around the corner. They really do have the best leaves I've ever tasted."

"Mmm, yes. Now where was I?"

"I should have mentioned that the tea does produce a slight calming effect. But, yes. Ron."

"Yes, Ron. He..."

"Yes?"

"He... well, he told me that Draco Malfoy is gay."

"I see. And you are outraged?"

"No, I-- Did you know?"

"Yes, Harry. Everyone knew."

"But I didn't know!"

"Harry, you're an excellent Auror and a caring leader. But when it comes to the personal lives of your staff, you can be a bit, how shall I say, clueless?"

"I am not clueless! I knew that Monica's father was injured in the hospital and bought him a bottle of wine and get well card."

"And you didn't realise that her father was injured because he has a drinking problem and got into a pub brawl."

"Well how was I supposed to know that?"

"Exactly. Harry, that's what I'm saying."

"So you knew Malfoy was gay from the start?"

"Pretty much."

"How?"

"Remember when he introduced us to his friend Steve at the Christmas party?"

"But he just said 'friend'! He didn't say 'boyfriend' or 'lover' or 'occasional sextoy'!"

"Well, those are the kinds of clues that most people would pick up on."

"Then why didn't he just say he was gay?"

"Harry, listen to yourself. How ridiculous would that sound? And I'm sure he doesn't want to make a big deal of it."

"I'm sure he doesn't. Apparently Ron did."

"So you're mad at Ron for telling you Draco's gay?"

"No, it's not that. It's just... ugh! It's a long story."

"Luckily it is the weekend."

"Ron said I broke up with Ginny because I'm gay!"

"Are you gay?"

"No!"

"So the problem is?"

"I told him I wasn't gay. He doesn't believe me."

"Ah. I'll have a word with him, then."

"No, no. Don't do that. I don't want him to go around thinking I'm making such a big deal of it."

"I see."

"Then he'll really think I'm gay and in denial."

"I won't mention a word."

"Okay, so get this: he also thinks I fancy Draco Malfoy."

"Do you?"

"No. I don't."

"That's good."

"I'm dating Jessica."

"Mmmm."

"Wait a minute, why did you say 'That's good'? As if it would be a terrible thing if I were to date Malfoy."

"Given that you two do work in the same department and you are his direct superior, I can imagine that problems would arise in the workplace if you were also sleeping together."

"Hey! You and Ron work in the same department. And you're getting married!"

"Yes, but Harry, don't you see? It's different for us."

"Just how is it different?"

"You don't fancy Draco Malfoy."

"Right. I don't."

"Exactly."

"Hermione, I am completely lost."

"You seem to be 'lost' a lot these days. Perhaps a vacation is in order?"

"Just because Jessica has blonde hair, doesn't mean I'm harbouring some deep, suppressed yearning to bang Malfoy."

"Of course not."

"Jessica is wonderful. Jessica is brilliant. Jessica could be everything I've ever dreamed of in a woman."

"Then there's nothing to worry about."

"Breasts and bottom and boobs and legs and... Shit! I was supposed to meet her about half an hour ago! Bye, Hermione!"

"Say 'hello' for me!"

JESSICA & HARRY

"Harry? I want to break up."

"Fuck."

HARRY & DRACO

"Hi, Draco."

"Harry."

"Sorry, again, for the other day. You know..."

"I thought we agreed to pretend it didn't happen?"

"Right. Yes."

"Well."

"Yes."

"...Did you want to see me about something?"

"Everything going fine?"

"The usual."

"How's Steve?"

"Steve?"

"Er, from last Christmas."

"We broke up four months ago."

"Oh."

"I thought you knew."

"Oh."

"Everyone knows."

"Sometimes I let these details slip by me."

"There's a lot of things you haven't picked up on."

"I'm starting to realise. Thanks for rubbing it in."

"I don't mean anything job-related. You're brilliant at being an Auror."

"I don't know what to say. This is the first time you've purposefully complimented me."

"I've done so by accident before?"

"A couple of times. No worries, no one was around to witness it."

"I heard you broke up with Jessica."

"Well, she broke up with me. But, yes."

"I'm sorry."

"You've got to stop doing that! First a compliment, now an apology? I don't think my heart can take any more surprises."

"Did Jessica say why she broke up with you?"

"Her exact words were that I was 'clearly after something else.' Whatever that means."

"I saw Ron talking to her the other day."

"Ah. That would explain it."

"Aren't you upset at all?"

"Oddly enough, no. He's only trying to help in his own blundering, buffoonish way, after all. And if all goes as intended, I'll probably buy him a big dinner later."

"As intended?"

"Well, my buying him dinner will depend on how things turn out, won't it?"

"I guess..."

"Draco, would you like to go get a coffee or something? After work?"

"Or something?"

"If you have time, that is."

"How much time are we looking at? Not too long so as to interfere with work, surely?"

"I am head of the department."

"Does this mean I get to break the rules as well?"

"I'll think about it."

"Well then I'll think about it."

"You're not going to make this easy, are you?"

"Never."

-end-