"Downward Facing Sith"
I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. "Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight; Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2.
– Ellen DeGeneres
20 years BBY
"Are you feeling the burn yet, Chancellor," Padme' asked.
"Oh, I'm feeling something alright," Palpatine said from his pretzel like position on the floor. "How much longer do I need to keep my legs behind my head, my dear?"
"You can move now," the senator said, plugging something into her datapad. "I said you could move, Chancellor."
"I heard you."
"Okay, now we'll continue with some breathing exercises to make sure your chakra is still flowing." Padme' placed the pad on the desk, turning around. "So, you need to take in a deep breath and…Chancellor? Chancellor, are you alright?"
"Oh, I'm fine."
There was a moment of silence and then, "Are you stuck?"
*x*X*x*X*x*
Outside Palpatine's office a Jedi Knight and Master stood with their ears pressed against the door, listening to the conversation within wearing wide eyes and horrified expressions.
"It's these tight trousers you've given me, my dear, I can't do a thing with them on," the Chancellor was saying.
"Well, it won't be long until you'll be rid of them."
Was that Senator Amidala?
"What in the blazes is going on in there," Obi-Wan said, regretting his late lunch.
"That's what I'd like to know," Anakin said through gritted teeth. Obi-Wan raised a brow at his former apprentice and opened his mouth to chastise him about the dangers of jealousy when a primal moan came from the other side of the door.
"Chancellor!"
"I didn't think my body could bend like this," Palpatine said, breathlessly. "Maybe we should stop."
There was a sound which they suspected was Padme's laughter. "But you're doing so well! Don't give up on me. I'm sure it will start feeling good soon."
"I'm not quite as young as I used to be, Senator. I can't keep it up much longer."
"I understand. Here, I'll try to steady you. I'll just grab your thighs and- look out!"
There was a loud crash and then Padme' screamed.
"Oh Chancellor, I'm so sorry! Let me help you-"
Obi-Wan stepped back, chuckling, uneasy, in an attempt to stifle his nausea before turning to Anakin, saying, "No wonder nothing ever gets solved in senate briefings. I guess the two Naboo politicians are closer than we thought." When Anakin did not reply Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.
He's moping, yet again.
"Well, never mind this. We can bring the Council's report of the war to him a little later… perhaps with an appointment."
Obi-Wan made to go but halted when he noticed his companion was not with him. "Anakin?"
He turned and saw that Anakin was trembling, his face a deep shade of crimson.
Oh no.
Obi-Wan took a step towards him. "Anakin, please, don't do that."
But it was too late; The Jedi Knight had already punched the trigger to open the doors and was storming into the Chancellor's office with his fists clenched.
*x*X*x*X*x*
Anakin wasn't quite sure he knew what to think. Here he was, standing in the doorway, mouth gaped open, red faced, sweaty palmed, staring down at his wife who had a firm grip on the authoritative tush of the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic, of which, was on his back, arms outstretched, and looking up at him with a rather shocked expression from between his two bare, hairy, and blindingly white legs, which were currently pushed behind his ears.
Suddenly, Anakin was aware that Obi-Wan stood beside him, frozen in place by intense feelings of confusion and repulsion. He was relieved when the Master found his voice for, at the moment, Anakin was terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.
"Chancellor," Obi-Wan said, bowing formally. He placed two fingers on the back of Anakin's head to make him follow suit.
"Master Kenobi," Palpatine said politely. "It's always a pleasure to meet with a Jedi."
Anakin stayed bowing until Obi-Wan placed a hand on his shoulder and forced him upright. When Anakin spoke his voice was hoarse and cracked. "Nice shorts, Your Excellency. I see the maker didn't put too much interest in fabric."
"They are Yoga shorts, sir," Padme' said, retracting her hands from the Chancellor's rump. "They add for more flexibility. It also makes it where things can breathe."
"Breathe," the two Jedi coughed.
"Well… yes," Padme' said. "You know you don't want to have sweaty-"
"Is it really necessary to finish this conversation," Palpatine said.
Anakin looked over at the Chancellor and felt a tinge of sympathy. To his wife, he said, "Should we leave, Senator?"
Padme' looked away, embarrassed. "Actually… I was wondering if you would help me."
Anakin blinked. "Help… you… what…?"
"Well, you see-"
"I can't get up." Palpatine said frankly, spreading his legs a little wider so the Jedi could see his face.
"That shouldn't be a problem," Obi- Wan said, rolling up his sleeves and even Anakin was surprised at his eagerness. "Anakin, if you will, go stand by Senator Amidala and grab the Chancellor's arms."
*x*X*x*X*x*
"Blazes! How did this even happen?" Yoda heard Obi-Wan say. "My deepest apologize Chancellor, are you still feeling alright?"
"As good as can be expected," the Chancellor said. "Senator, I'm not hurting you, am I? I've been on top of you for a long time now."
"No, you're fine, sir. I'm so sorry this wasn't as relaxing as I had hoped… I'm not as experienced as I let on."
"Oh, don't worry about that. Let's just hope this doesn't find its way to the press."
Very disturbing, this is, Yoda thought.
"Anakin," Obi-Wan said. "Go around to the Chancellor's front and try to keep his mind occupied while I try to fit in back here, I don't want this to hurt him anymore than it has to."
"Yes, Master," said Anakin. "Chancellor, I'm going to steady your shoulders, let us know if it gets to be too much and we'll stop to give you time to get some air."
"You are too kind, son."
Yoda leaned in closer, reaching through the Force to discern what was going on in that office, when his cane slipped and triggered the weight sensor to open the Chancellor's doors.
Everyone fell silent. A bit embarrassed, Yoda cleared his throat and retook his usual serene stance as he observed the scene before him. The Chancellor appeared to be on all fours, wearing nothing but a sleeveless red top and a pair of shiny, black 'booty' shorts. Senator Amidala was on her back, wedged underneath her old friend and mentor, while Anakin stood with his hands on the Chancellor's shoulders (whose face could not be seen as the Knight's robes had fallen around his head) looking humiliated, and Master Kenobi was bringing up the rear- literally- with his hands fastened to Palpatine's hips.
"Perhaps, a hotel room, you should get," Yoda said, using his cane to support his weight as he moved forward.
"Master Yoda," Obi- Wan said as he jumped away from the old man. "It's not what it looks like."
"I would hope not."
"Ah, Master Yoda! What brings you to my office at this time," Palpatine said, pleasantly, his voice muffled by the fabric of Anakin's cloak. "Either way, it's fortunant for me. You see, it's been quite an amusing day I started off standing, then I was on my back, and next thing I know, I'm all bent over on my knees! I guess these old limbs aren't as limber as they used to be."
"Disgusting, that is," Yoda said, shaking his head as he turned to leave the room. "Pretend this never happened, I will."
"Oh, no, Master Yoda please wait," Padme' called, shimmying out from underneath Palpatine's legs. "You see, I was worried about the Chancellor, he's been under a lot of stress what with all these duties of war and… well… I thought maybe I could help him relax a little if he learned to calm himself with Yoga!"
"Yoga, you say?"
The senator nodded. "Yes, Master Jedi. You see I recently began to partake in it myself, and it provides a great sense of relief under such… Master Yoda and …are you laughing at me?"
"If Yoga, you wished to teach, come to me you should have!" With that, Yoda flicked his wrist and Palpatine's body untwisted and the Chancellor fell free to his stomach, after which a startled Anakin helped him back to his feet.
"Ah, now that's better," Palpatine said as he attempted to look dignified despite the tremendous wedgie he had acquired. "Thank you so much, Master Yoda, I am in your debt."
"You're welcome. Now, line up all of you will."
Palpatine blinked. "I'm sorry?"
"Prevent this event from ever happening again, I must." Yoda dropped his cane and lifted his arms high into the air. "Begin, we will, by becoming a beautiful swan."
Author's Note:
So this happened because ONE someone wanted a Palpatine/Padme' fic and this was as close as I felt like I could come for now & TWO because I am more stressed out that I probably ever have been and really just needed to blow off some steam.
This was in no way intended to be serious or crafty or anything of the sort. My only hope is that one of you will be able to relieve a bit of stress with this too. =^.^=
P.S. Cover image once again a product of DarkJediJade
*This story is now back by request from several readers. XD*